Wow. Just wow. This is one of those Sweet Valley books that makes you realize just how much has changed in the world. And just how screwed up our view of women is/was (this book was published in 1984).
Before I get started, I’d like to share a memory I have about this book, which I am assuming I first read in 5th or 6th grade because that’s the last time I can recall being friends with the girl who took this book off my bookshelf, studied the cover, and said, “Deceptions. My mom won’t let me read this.” Thank you, mom, for not robbing me of my Sweet Valley passion. Or for not paying attention to what I was reading. Either or.
Let’s look at the cover. There’s Elizabeth, looking like a 40-year-old country club waitress with her feathered bangs and polo shirt. Gazing at her adoringly (by 1984 standards) or creepily (by 2021 standards) is Nicholas Morrow. He’s rich, he’s 19, and he’s new in town. It’s practically a law that he immediately tries to pursue a relationship with a Wakefield twin. Nicholas seems to find Jessica a bit much, so Elizabeth it is.
When we open, a party is in full swing at Casa Wakefield. Elizabeth has just returned home after having been held hostage by a maniac, and she was like, well gosh darn it, I wanna dance!
Things are weird from page 1 but they take a turn for the REALLY RIDICULOUS on page 17. 17!! Let that sink in. Ghostie wasted no time.
Before you read the following excerpt, I want to make this crystal clear: Nicholas has JUST MET ELIZABETH. Like an hour ago. MAYBE.
“Elizabeth—“ Nicholas began, his face reddening. “I don’t know how to tell you this…I’ve never said anything so difficult in my life. But I guess it’s best just to get it out into the open, so here goes.” He paused for a second, and then said quickly, “Elizabeth, I think I’m falling in love with you.”
WHAT?!
Reminder: Elizabeth was just kidnapped by a psychotic hospital orderly who claimed to love her. But instead of doing something reasonable, like running screaming from the room, Elizabeth is just like, oh come on. I highly doubt that. And then Nicholas is like, nope from the minute I saw you, I fell in love with you. And Elizabeth says…
“There in the moonlight?”
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Nicholas then proceeds to basically force her to agree to go on a date with him, even after she brings up her boyfriend, Todd the Basketball star Wilkins.
First Nicholas pretends he doesn’t think he is good-looking (we are previously told that Nicholas’ looks would “put a Greek god to shame”)
Then he says 16 is too young to be tied down with just one person. Nicholas is giving me vibes that he will be saying the same thing at 45.
Then he suggests that she is AFRAID to see what else is out there.
Nicholas is a Grade A creepazoid gaslighting manipulative douche.
Elizabeth finally agrees to have dinner with him. What I mean is, she allows herself to be guilted into it. It’s horrible, you guys. And let’s not forget that Nicholas is still basically a stranger. This is absolutely insane.
They agree to go to dinner on Sunday, which is just weird. Like these people are teenagers? Liz and Todd have a standing date on Saturday, but what about Friday? I know this isn’t the point but it’s weird. Elizabeth plans to tell Todd about the dinner but then Todd goes on about how he hates Nicholas, etc., and her resolve evaporates.
Meanwhile, Jessica is trying to use Randy Mason to learn about computers because Nicholas is going to be going into his family’s computer business. Jessica thinks being able to throw around terms like…um…”floppy disk”…are going to impress Nicholas, so the opportunistic, shameless fake flirting with Randy Mason begins. Oh, Jessica says she’s in love with Nicholas, btw. So Elizabeth keeps the date a secret from everyone (except eventually E-nerd but who cares?).
Jessica goes all out trying to learn about computers. She even goes to Randy’s house after school.
They went inside, and Randy led to Jessica to his room. There was a bed against one wall, with a chair beside it. There was a dresser, too. But most of the room was taken up with what Randy called his “work center”—a computer, a terminal, a printer.
OK, 2 questions. Wtf is a terminal? And 2, a chair beside the bed? For what? So Randy’s mom can read him bedtime stories?
Randy teaches Jessica how to “run a program” (?) and then offers to help her with her math. Jess is currently flunking and in danger of being kicked off the cheerleading squad.
What Jess actually wants is for Randy to hack into Sweet Valley High’s new computer (a gift from the Morrow family) and change her math grade. If you thought Randy was too smart to do something like that, well, you’ve never read a Sweet Valley book before and have severely underestimated the power of Jessica Wakefield’s dazzling smile.
On Wednesday night, Elizabeth frets because she’s expecting Nicholas to call to arrange their secret dinner date and she doesn’t want Jessica to answer the phone. I love how 1984 that is. I kinda wish we could go back in time in some ways, guys.
She manages to answer the phone when he calls. He suggests they go to a place called Cote d’Or for dinner.
Elizabeth had read something about it in some magazine. “Exquisite,” they had called it. “The specialties are…” A long list followed. After that were prices that made Elizabeth blink.
Since it’s out of town and highly unlikely that she’ll run into anyone from school, Elizabeth is stoked.
On Thursday, Randy—who has confessed to Jessica that he’s never had a girlfriend—changes Jessica’s F to C- in the Sweet Valley High computer system. Then he asks her if she wants to go to the Dairi Burger with him and she’s like, haha, no.
Later that afternoon, while Elizabeth is scrutinizing her neatly folded sweaters to see if Jessica secretly wore any of them, Randy calls. Mistaking Liz for Jess, he blabs about the whole grade-change thing and says the school has changed its access code and he thinks they are on to them and he’s terrified and going to school right now to confess. (How does he even know Mr. Cooper will still be there?) Elizabeth drags Jessica to school also so Randy doesn’t get all the blame, and Mr. Cooper makes a big show of how he is ONLY going to let it slide because ELIZABETH convinced him to. It’s weird. Like everything else in this book.
On Saturday night, Elizabeth chickens out of telling Todd about her dinner with Nicholas again. For good reason, really. She shouldn’t be having dinner with him in the first place. “OK fine Nicholas, I will give you a chance to woo me away from Todd.” Like, what? WTF is that? I remembered Nicholas Morrow quite fondly but upon revisiting this book, I have absolutely no idea why.
OK, Sunday. Go time. Elizabeth wakes up and it’s “the kind of day Sweet Valley was noted for.” Barf. She then has a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup, prompting me to think about the fact that if I was going to hang out with a guy I liked when I was 16, I’d practically starve myself for like 3 days before so I could get as close to a “perfect size 6” as possible. I hope you choke on your pancakes, Elizabeth!!
…Anyway. We get a neat description of the outfit Liz selects for her date:
She decided on a natural-silk shantung dress that was practically the color of her honey-blond hair. The style was simplicity itself, but Elizabeth dressed it up with a pair of matching shoes, a gold belt, and a bracelet. Aside from that and her watch, she wore no jewelry except for a lavaliere, one of the matched pair their parents had given the twins on their sixteenth birthday.
We’re then told that Lizzie “pirouetted” in front of the mirror to make sure she was good to go. Alrighty then.
Elizabeth opts to drive herself to the restaurant—perhaps the only smart choice she makes in this book. A “liveried valet” greets her. Honestly, wtf? I think this ghost writer wanted to be writing 17th century romances, or something.
The restaurant is quite fahncy. It’s even got doves flying around in a gold cage. Nicholas is there waiting, wearing charcoal slacks, a black dinner jacket, and—wait for it!—a “tasteful maroon ascot fastened about his neck.”
BAHAHAHAHAHA.
Nicholas orders for the both of them (eyeroll) and then the pair discuss: how rich people can sometimes be snobby and sometimes not, that Nicholas enjoys the Dairi Burger (he’s so down to earth!), swimming, tennis, and skiing. They both like Hemingway and mysteries, and Nicholas wants to go to college. He does not ask Elizabeth about her future plans, but he does ask her if she will go out with him again. She says no, citing that she’s not in love with him.
Nicholas is basically like, oh, damn, and then they’re like, ok, let’s be friends! Nicholas is seriously the biggest turd I didn’t remember.
Anyway, remember how it was Todd’s mom’s birthday today? Well, the Wilkins fam decided to splurge and go to Cote d’Or. Elizabeth pretends she’s Jessica so that Todd won’t flip a shit. Todd buys it but Elizabeth is caught anyway because he decides to go straight to the Wakefield house to…um…apologize for even THINKING Elizabeth would do something so shady. Of course, when he gets there, Jessica is all like, wtf do you want? And Elizabeth’s life is ruined.
For like a day.
Fast-forward a few pages: Todd is blowing it in the big basketball game because Elizabeth broke his heart and she’s watching helplessly and guiltily from the stands. Then NICHOLAS saves the day by telling Todd at half-time that he basically forced Elizabeth to go out with him and that she maintained her love for Todd all along. Todd believes this because I guess forcing people to go out on dates is a common thing amongst Sweet Valley men? I don’t know, you guys.
Overjoyed, Todd heads back out onto the court and scores a bunch of points or whatever and wins the game. And then he makes up with Elizabeth.
It’s terrible, guys. The whole entire thing. Did anyone remember Nicholas having such problematic behavior? I sure didn’t! Jessica winds up being the unlikely hero here, because she decides Nicholas is too boring to be interested in.
Sass Valley 