Tag: Randy Mason

SVH #14: Deceptions

Wow. Just wow. This is one of those Sweet Valley books that makes you realize just how much has changed in the world. And just how screwed up our view of women is/was (this book was published in 1984).

Before I get started, I’d like to share a memory I have about this book, which I am assuming I first read in 5th or 6th grade because that’s the last time I can recall being friends with the girl who took this book off my bookshelf, studied the cover, and said, “Deceptions. My mom won’t let me read this.” Thank you, mom, for not robbing me of my Sweet Valley passion. Or for not paying attention to what I was reading. Either or.

Let’s look at the cover. There’s Elizabeth, looking like a 40-year-old country club waitress with her feathered bangs and polo shirt. Gazing at her adoringly (by 1984 standards) or creepily (by 2021 standards) is Nicholas Morrow. He’s rich, he’s 19, and he’s new in town. It’s practically a law that he immediately tries to pursue a relationship with a Wakefield twin. Nicholas seems to find Jessica a bit much, so Elizabeth it is.

When we open, a party is in full swing at Casa Wakefield. Elizabeth has just returned home after having been held hostage by a maniac, and she was like, well gosh darn it, I wanna dance!

Things are weird from page 1 but they take a turn for the REALLY RIDICULOUS on page 17. 17!! Let that sink in. Ghostie wasted no time.

Before you read the following excerpt, I want to make this crystal clear: Nicholas has JUST MET ELIZABETH. Like an hour ago. MAYBE.

“Elizabeth—“ Nicholas began, his face reddening. “I don’t know how to tell you this…I’ve never said anything so difficult in my life. But I guess it’s best just to get it out into the open, so here goes.” He paused for a second, and then said quickly, “Elizabeth, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

WHAT?!

Reminder: Elizabeth was just kidnapped by a psychotic hospital orderly who claimed to love her. But instead of doing something reasonable, like running screaming from the room, Elizabeth is just like, oh come on. I highly doubt that. And then Nicholas is like, nope from the minute I saw you, I fell in love with you. And Elizabeth says…

“There in the moonlight?”

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Nicholas then proceeds to basically force her to agree to go on a date with him, even after she brings up her boyfriend, Todd the Basketball star Wilkins.

First Nicholas pretends he doesn’t think he is good-looking (we are previously told that Nicholas’ looks would “put a Greek god to shame”)

Then he says 16 is too young to be tied down with just one person. Nicholas is giving me vibes that he will be saying the same thing at 45.

Then he suggests that she is AFRAID to see what else is out there.

Nicholas is a Grade A creepazoid gaslighting manipulative douche.

Elizabeth finally agrees to have dinner with him. What I mean is, she allows herself to be guilted into it. It’s horrible, you guys. And let’s not forget that Nicholas is still basically a stranger. This is absolutely insane.

They agree to go to dinner on Sunday, which is just weird. Like these people are teenagers? Liz and Todd have a standing date on Saturday, but what about Friday? I know this isn’t the point but it’s weird. Elizabeth plans to tell Todd about the dinner but then Todd goes on about how he hates Nicholas, etc., and her resolve evaporates.

Meanwhile, Jessica is trying to use Randy Mason to learn about computers because Nicholas is going to be going into his family’s computer business. Jessica thinks being able to throw around terms like…um…”floppy disk”…are going to impress Nicholas, so the opportunistic, shameless fake flirting with Randy Mason begins. Oh, Jessica says she’s in love with Nicholas, btw. So Elizabeth keeps the date a secret from everyone (except eventually E-nerd but who cares?).

Jessica goes all out trying to learn about computers. She even goes to Randy’s house after school.

They went inside, and Randy led to Jessica to his room. There was a bed against one wall, with a chair beside it. There was a dresser, too. But most of the room was taken up with what Randy called his “work center”—a computer, a terminal, a printer.

OK, 2 questions. Wtf is a terminal? And 2, a chair beside the bed? For what? So Randy’s mom can read him bedtime stories?

Randy teaches Jessica how to “run a program” (?) and then offers to help her with her math. Jess is currently flunking and in danger of being kicked off the cheerleading squad.

What Jess actually wants is for Randy to hack into Sweet Valley High’s new computer (a gift from the Morrow family) and change her math grade. If you thought Randy was too smart to do something like that, well, you’ve never read a Sweet Valley book before and have severely underestimated the power of Jessica Wakefield’s dazzling smile.

On Wednesday night, Elizabeth frets because she’s expecting Nicholas to call to arrange their secret dinner date and she doesn’t want Jessica to answer the phone. I love how 1984 that is. I kinda wish we could go back in time in some ways, guys.

She manages to answer the phone when he calls. He suggests they go to a place called Cote d’Or for dinner.

Elizabeth had read something about it in some magazine. “Exquisite,” they had called it. “The specialties are…” A long list followed. After that were prices that made Elizabeth blink.

Since it’s out of town and highly unlikely that she’ll run into anyone from school, Elizabeth is stoked.

On Thursday, Randy—who has confessed to Jessica that he’s never had a girlfriend—changes Jessica’s F to C- in the Sweet Valley High computer system. Then he asks her if she wants to go to the Dairi Burger with him and she’s like, haha, no.

Later that afternoon, while Elizabeth is scrutinizing her neatly folded sweaters to see if Jessica secretly wore any of them, Randy calls. Mistaking Liz for Jess, he blabs about the whole grade-change thing and says the school has changed its access code and he thinks they are on to them and he’s terrified and going to school right now to confess. (How does he even know Mr. Cooper will still be there?) Elizabeth drags Jessica to school also so Randy doesn’t get all the blame, and Mr. Cooper makes a big show of how he is ONLY going to let it slide because ELIZABETH convinced him to. It’s weird. Like everything else in this book.

On Saturday night, Elizabeth chickens out of telling Todd about her dinner with Nicholas again. For good reason, really. She shouldn’t be having dinner with him in the first place. “OK fine Nicholas, I will give you a chance to woo me away from Todd.” Like, what? WTF is that? I remembered Nicholas Morrow quite fondly but upon revisiting this book, I have absolutely no idea why.

OK, Sunday. Go time. Elizabeth wakes up and it’s “the kind of day Sweet Valley was noted for.” Barf. She then has a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup, prompting me to think about the fact that if I was going to hang out with a guy I liked when I was 16, I’d practically starve myself for like 3 days before so I could get as close to a “perfect size 6” as possible. I hope you choke on your pancakes, Elizabeth!!

…Anyway. We get a neat description of the outfit Liz selects for her date:

She decided on a natural-silk shantung dress that was practically the color of her honey-blond hair. The style was simplicity itself, but Elizabeth dressed it up with a pair of matching shoes, a gold belt, and a bracelet. Aside from that and her watch, she wore no jewelry except for a lavaliere, one of the matched pair their parents had given the twins on their sixteenth birthday.

We’re then told that Lizzie “pirouetted” in front of the mirror to make sure she was good to go. Alrighty then.

Elizabeth opts to drive herself to the restaurant—perhaps the only smart choice she makes in this book.  A “liveried valet” greets her. Honestly, wtf? I think this ghost writer wanted to be writing 17th century romances, or something.

The restaurant is quite fahncy. It’s even got doves flying around in a gold cage. Nicholas is there waiting, wearing charcoal slacks, a black dinner jacket, and—wait for it!—a “tasteful maroon ascot fastened about his neck.”

BAHAHAHAHAHA.

Nicholas orders for the both of them (eyeroll) and then the pair discuss: how rich people can sometimes be snobby and sometimes not, that Nicholas enjoys the Dairi Burger (he’s so down to earth!), swimming, tennis, and skiing. They both like Hemingway and mysteries, and Nicholas wants to go to college. He does not ask Elizabeth about her future plans, but he does ask her if she will go out with him again. She says no, citing that she’s not in love with him.

Nicholas is basically like, oh, damn, and then they’re like, ok, let’s be friends! Nicholas is seriously the biggest turd I didn’t remember.

Anyway, remember how it was Todd’s mom’s birthday today? Well, the Wilkins fam decided to splurge and go to Cote d’Or. Elizabeth pretends she’s Jessica so that Todd won’t flip a shit. Todd buys it but Elizabeth is caught anyway because he decides to go straight to the Wakefield house to…um…apologize for even THINKING Elizabeth would do something so shady. Of course, when he gets there, Jessica is all like, wtf do you want? And Elizabeth’s life is ruined.

For like a day.

Fast-forward a few pages: Todd is blowing it in the big basketball game because Elizabeth broke his heart and she’s watching helplessly and guiltily from the stands. Then NICHOLAS saves the day by telling Todd at half-time that he basically forced Elizabeth to go out with him and that she maintained her love for Todd all along. Todd believes this because I guess forcing people to go out on dates is a common thing amongst Sweet Valley men? I don’t know, you guys.

Overjoyed, Todd heads back out onto the court and scores a bunch of points or whatever and wins the game. And then he makes up with Elizabeth.

It’s terrible, guys. The whole entire thing. Did anyone remember Nicholas having such problematic behavior? I sure didn’t! Jessica winds up being the unlikely hero here, because she decides Nicholas is too boring to be interested in.

SVT #14: Tug of War

First, some cover notes: As today’s actual teens say, Elizabeth, what the actual f**k are you wearing? Also, it’s clear the illustrator liked Elizabeth better (even though she’s wearing whatever that is!) because Jessica is holding a sign that literally says, “Jessica Wakefield is no one.” Great campaign, Jess.

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We open with a class party for Linda Lloyd, the sixth-grade president who is moving to Texas. Elizabeth is talking about the cookies she made, which she calls “Wakefield Specials.” I assume Jessica changes the meaning of that phrase once she gets to Sweet Valley High.

Since Linda is leaving Sweet Valley (I’m as shocked as you are that that’s a thing people do!), the sixth grade needs a new president. Everyone’s like, OMGAHHH what will we do?!

Elizabeth looks for Jessica at lunch and sees her eating with the Unicorns. We’re told that her “heart sinks” and I am confused because Jessica eats lunch with the Unicorns EVERY DAY so I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Maybe, like me, Liz is getting her period and everything bothers her.

As she approaches “the Unicorner,” Elizabeth thinks to herself that looking at Jessica is like looking in a mirror. You would think she’d be pretty used to looking like Jessica by now, but whatever.

During lunch, d-bag Jim Sturbridge mockingly asks dorky Randy Mason how he would feel if he were nominated for president. Randy, who is “always more interested in computers than people,” says he’d be pleased and everyone thinks what a loser he is, except for Elizabeth, who feels bad for Randy since he will never know the power of being a Wakefield twin.

At that point, Elizabeth’s friend Julie Porter comes over and says that Mr. Bowman told her he’s decided to let the class president decide what to do with the money the class earns from their upcoming book fair. This seems irresponsible. Also, I don’t understand how the class earns money from a book fair. Isn’t there like, some publisher making money from the sale of these books?

Quick side note: when I was in school, I LOVED the book fair. It is how I first discovered Sweet Valley Twins, in third grade. Loser alert: my picks that year were Twins book #37, The War Between the Twins, and the Student Thesaurus. Anyway.

Jessica says that if she were president, she would use the money to throw “an incredible party,” which I have no doubt would turn out like Fyre Festival. Elizabeth thinks buying a VCR for the school library is a much better idea and actually says so out loud and people still like her. The kids discuss the party, and because they think it should have something to do with books (to honor the…book fair? OK.), Jessica says it will be a costume party and everyone can come dressed as their favorite character from a book. My favorite person Lila Fowler says, “Maybe I can go as one of the Little Women. The pretty one.” Oh, Lila. If I am ever invited to a party like this, I am going to be you.

You can see where this is going. Each of the twins decides to run. Their only opponent winds up being Randy Mason and it’s mentioned, repeatedly, how he has no shot at winning. Thanks for fine-tuning your foreshadowing with a sledgehammer, ghostwriter!

Elizabeth, Julie, and Amy Sutton work on Elizabeth’s platform, which is:

-VCR for the Library

-Best Teacher Award

-Better Cafeteria Food

Lizzie has her first crisis of conscience shortly after, and decides she can’t really promise the cafeteria food thing. Leave it to Michelle Obama, Elizabeth. She’s working on it.

The girls make flyers in the VCR-less school library. There’s a great scene where they all talk about the “ditto master.” When they’re done, they help the librarian unpack new books. While they are oohing and aahing over titles like “Women in Sports,” the flyers go missing. They turn up at the end of the day in the school fountain, at which point I actually said out loud, “the school fountain?!” It’s revealed that Lila and Ellen Riteman destroyed the flyers on Jessica’s behalf, but Jessica didn’t know anything about it. (But of course, Elizabeth doesn’t know that.)

Then we’re treated to Randy Mason’s first effort at campaigning. It is a sign that says:

For maximum efficiency

in advocating rights and issues

pertinent to all sixth-grade students

Vote for Randy Mason

Catchy! Elizabeth gives Randy some advice after he admits that he doesn’t know what his classmates want. He doesn’t say, on account of them having ostracized me from every normal sixth grade activity, but we all know that’s what he’s thinking.

Jessica kicks off her campaign with a pool party at Lila’s mansion. Here, she decides to expand the costume party theme to include movie characters as well. Lila says this makes sense because, “Movies are made from scripts and a script is sort of like a book.” There’s a yearbook quote if I ever heard one. Jess also learns for the first time that the class presidents are expected to attend meetings, and she panics until she decides that as president, she will “do away with meetings.”

When Jessica gets home, she spies on Elizabeth and discovers that she is planning to hold a rally after the upcoming soccer game. Jess calls Lila to conspire, who says, “We don’t have to top it. We have to stop it.”

And indeed they do. Lila has boxes and boxes of Johnny Buck records (this book was published in 1987, btw) delivered to the site of the rally. Her rich father got a bunch of copies of Johnny Buck’s new single, that is not even in stores yet, for free. Jess and Lila spread the word that they will be giving out free records in the parking lot after the game, and everyone bolts. Elizabeth winds up delivering her rally speech to Randy Mason, Amy, Julie, and like seven losers who don’t like Johnny Buck, I guess.

It’s clear that Jessica has better connections. So far her friends have thrown her a party and gotten a ton of free records to use as bribes for votes. Elizabeth’s friends have gotten her 150 wet flyers and a 10-person rally.

At home, older brother Steven tells a depressed Elizabeth that she’s “such a wimp” for allowing Jessica to play dirty and not fighting back. He tips her off that there are some professionally made “Vote for Jessica” posters in the laundry room and eventually Elizabeth goes and draws a mustache on Jessica’s face on every last one. (I was as shocked as you are.)

Randy has a rally and only five people come. God, how pathetic. But, Elizabeth is one of them and she learns that Randy has some really good ideas, including about what to do with the book fair money: he says they can throw Jessica’s party but charge admission, then use that money to buy the VCR. Genius! Elizabeth laments that Randy is really the best candidate but he won’t win because she and Jessica are sooo popular.

The day before Election Day, the twins make up. Elizabeth helps Jessica pick out a “dark pink jersey dress and a purple sash” for the big day. And it’s not a trick.

Jessica makes a ridiculous speech where she basically says she wants to have a party and has no other plans for her presidency, which she hopes won’t take up too much of her time. Then, it’s Elizabeth’s turn. She drops out of the race and asks that everyone vote for Randy. Had to make a scene, didn’t you, Liz?

Randy wins, and he asks Elizabeth if she will be the “special executive assistant to the president” which sounds like something Donald Trump would say, and I’m scared for her. He also asks Jessica to organize the party, presumably because he’s never been to one.

The final chapter is a set-up for the next book, The Older Boy, which I coincidentally (really) just ordered on eBay. So I guess I’ll go ahead and do that one next!

(Click here for a recap of SVT #15: The Older Boy)