SVH #16: Rags to Riches

“So, how does it feel to turn into a millionaire’s son overnight?”

That’s the first line of Sweet Valley High 16, Rags to Riches, dialogue spoken by Oracle arts editor and resident hippie dippie, Olivia Davidson to Roger Barrett Patman. And it pretty much sums up the plot of the book—Roger used to be made fun of for being poor and working as a janitor (nice kids there in Sweet Valley) but then his mom died and it was revealed that he is ACTUALLY the son of deceased rich guy Paul Patman. Paul’s brother, Bruce Patman’s dad, knew about Roger’s true identity all along (I guess? I don’t remember if this was addressed). He immediately had Rog move into the Patman mansion, and now Roger has mucho dinero. It’s also noted that he now wears contacts instead of glasses, and “neat corduroys” rather than jeans.

Olivia and Roger discuss his new life as they eat lunch. Across the cafeteria, Jessica and Lila watch them and discuss whether Roger now has the potential to be something other than a social pariah. Jessica decides YES, YES HE DOES. That’s what accounts for the cover picture, here.

The Patmans had decided to welcome their new nephew by giving a formal dance at the Sweet Valley Country Club, the most exclusive club for miles around.

Barf.

For some reason, Jessica and Elizabeth are invited to this soiree. I would have thought Patman party invitations would be prohibited from landing in the mailboxes of split-level ranch homes in the upper-middle class side of town.

Jessica decides that she wants to attend the dance as Roger’s date, even though he already has a girlfriend in Olivia. Olivia was fine for Roger Barrett, Jess figures. But Roger PATMAN needs someone a bit more refined.

But, Roger is having trouble adjusting to his new refined life. Lunch in the SVH cafeteria is followed by dinner at the Patman manse with “important clients” of Bruce’s dad, the Fergusons. Rog doesn’t know what fork to use when and spills wine all over Mrs. Ferguson’s dress. She is not understanding about it.

The sub-plot of this book focuses on Regina Morrow, who is acting STRANGELY. Todd—Elizabeth’s boyfriend—is so concerned about REGINA that he convinces Liz to cut class so they can go stalk her downtown. Um, OK. I’m remembering Todd’s concern for that brat Courtney in Perfect Summer, guys. Why is Todd like this? These girls don’t need you to be their hero, Todd.

Liz and Todd spy Regina meeting up with a well-do-man in his thirties. They go into a “glamorous building.” Rather than checking out the lobby of the building for a clue about what’s inside, they just do nothing. Cool. Then, they run into Lila, who also saw Regina. This really bothers Elizabeth. Like, more than it should. Lila also sees Roger over at the Sports Shop with Bruce’s dad. Wtf? Why are all these kids downtown? Liz and Todd had to skip their last class to be there. And why is Lila so hyper aware of her surroundings? Watch out, Liz, I think Li should be writing Eyes and Ears.

The weekend comes and with it, another fabulous event—a welcome barbecue for Roger at the Patman mansion. How many times does he need to be welcomed? Jeez. Jessica dresses in preppy white shorts and an aqua polo, and brings along a classy one-piece black bathing suit. She’s on the prowl. Elizabeth realizes that the last time Jessica embraced this preppy look was when she was interested in Bruce, but rather than suspect Jess might be up to something, she just does nothing. Again.

Jessica mentions that she hears Regina has been seeing “an older man.” Elizabeth doesn’t try that hard to dissuade Jessica from thinking such terrible things about Regina, by the way. She just kind of thinks about how mean Lila Fowler is for spreading rumors.

Jess spends the barbecue sucking up to Mrs. Patman, who eats up the whole act.

“Of course you’re too sweet to say so, Jessica, but this Olivia is terribly awkward, isn’t she? Not really the sort of girl who can help Roger very much now that he has so much to learn—if you know what I mean,” she added.

“I think I do,” Jessica said, lowering her eyes.

Mrs. Patman smiled coolly at Jessica and set her glass down on the table. “We understand each other, don’t we?” she asked sweetly. Before Jessica could answer, Mrs. Patman folded her hands together and continued. “I want so much for Roger to be more at ease. It would be nice if he could find someone a little more suitable to spend his time with. Maybe you could help him, Jessica.”

Yikes. This is 90s Lifetime-movie level stuff.

Jessica gets to work right away, helping Olivia look and feel awkward. She encourages her to take two plates of food when everyone else just takes one (and of course Bruce comments on this, the audacity of a woman eating). Then she arranges a diving competition where Olivia belly-flops into the pool.

On Monday, Regina’s mystery man shows up in the high school parking lot after school in a beige Ferrari (LOL) and Regina calls him “Lane.” They go off together, leaving the rest of the students gasping and whispering and all that sort of thing.

Jessica and Olivia go shopping after school and Jessica does her best to get in Olivia’s head about her weirdo wardrobe. She is wildly successful. Where is Mandy Miller? She would have set Jessica straight on this and helped Liv embrace her quirkiness.

Chapter 7 opens up with Lila commenting on Jessica’s healthy appetite and slim figure, and how the two things don’t go together. God.

Also, it’s noted that SVH is serving “Hungarian goulash” in the cafeteria that day. Wtf?

Tensions continue to rise between Olivia and Roger when they are coaxed into a tennis match with Jessica and Bruce, who are both excellent players. Olivia shows up in old track shorts and a baggy T-shirt. Bruce and Roger wear the best tennis attire money can buy, and Jessica sports a chic tennis dress she borrows from Lila. One of these things is not like the others.

Olivia sucks at tennis and feels foolish and out of place. She’s thinking now, more than ever, that she doesn’t fit into Roger’s new life.

After school the next day, Regina asks Elizabeth to come home with her. There, she reveals THE TRUTH about the mystery Ferrari-driving man. He is Lane Townsend, owner of the Lane Townsend Modeling Agency. Regina has been discovered! And she’s going to be on the cover of next month’s Ingenue magazine!

Side note: I miss when people got excited about magazines. (Former magazine editor, here.)

Back to Jessica. She goes to Olivia’s house to check out the dress Olivia is planning to wear to the country club dance. She’s making it herself. Because she’s artsy and an individual.

“Hmm,” Jessica said thoughtfully, touching the material with a practiced hand. “Is it—” she thought for a minute. “Cotton?”

Hahahaha.

Jessica makes Olivia insecure about the dress and, again, her ability to fit into Roger’s new life. Meanwhile, Mrs. Patman is telling Roger how she disapproves of pretty much everything he likes. Running is an antisocial sport. Olivia is awkward AF. She even objects to Roger’s aspirations to be a doctor, preferring that he go into business. Medicine is “messy,” she says. Jeez.

The next day, Lila—who apparently has no life in this book—tails Regina and Lane downtown and discovers the whole modeling/Ingenue cover thing. She is shocked and wracked with jealousy. In one of the most unrealistic things to ever happen in Sweet Valley (and we all know that’s no small feat), the secretary at the modeling agency offers to make Lila an appointment to speak with Lane. LOL. Lila is convinced that he’ll take one look at her and forget all about Regina Morrow.

While all of this is happening, Olivia and Roger are fighting on the front lawn of Sweet Valley High. If lawns could talk! They break up.

Elizabeth tells Jessica about the breakup, and Jess runs off to console…Roger. Rog plays right into Jessica’s hands and suggests that she accompany him to his welcome dance. God that sounds so lame, doesn’t it? But yeah that’s the kind of thing that happens in this universe we all love. Roger tells Mrs. Patman the news and the old bat (who is probably supposed to be like my age) is thrilled.

Lila has her meeting with Lane and he spends the whole time telling her she has a flat face and talking about how lovely Regina is. Ha!

OK, dance day. Roger is wandering around his uncle’s “dressing room,” looking for cufflinks, when he overhears his aunt on the phone talking about how she conspired with Jessica to get him away from Olivia. He finally realizes what a dumbass he is. He goes to the Wakefield house and breaks his date with Jessica. Then he and Elizabeth head over to Olivia’s house to try and make things right. On the way, Roger tells Liz about Jessica’s scheme. It’s all really weird. He didn’t really confront Jess at all. Jess winds up going to the dance with Neil Freemount, who has been following her around for pretty much the whole book.

Roger and Olivia make up. Olivia goes to the dance as Roger’s date, wearing her cotton dress and horrifying Mrs. Patman and her snotty friends.

In the restroom at the country club, Jessica, Lila, Cara, and Caroline Pearce look at the Ingenue with Regina on the cover. Lila is ugly jealous. But the conversation soon turns from Regina to Caroline’s supposed boyfriend, Adam. She’s been mentioning him throughout the book. She says he lives in Cold Springs and is madly in love with her, and he writes her passionate letters. He’s professed his undying love to her, you see, but he couldn’t get his parents’ car that weekend so she’s at the country club dance alone. Hahahaha.

She lets Cara read one of his letter aloud in the girls’ room. I would be remiss to not share it with you, so here you are:

My dearest Caroline,

How I wish I could be with you tonight at the dance. But, Caroline, as long as you know I love you, everything will be all right. You asked me the other day how much I loved you. Caroline, it’s pretty hard to measure how I feel. Let me put it this way: I love you to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight. And if you’ll be mine, nothing shall ever keep us apart. I’ll love you even more after our deaths.

Ick. The girls press Caroline about supposed Adam’s supposed devotion in light of the fact that he’s never around. She makes excuses for him, like we all do for shitty dudes at least once in our lives, whether they are real or not. And that sets up the next book, Love Letters.

SVT #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack

(Click here for a recap of Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool!)

OK, first: this has got to be one of the most objectionable covers out of the classics. Just look at Jess’ face. That expression is far too devious, I’m sorry. (I say this with a tremendous amount of love, by the way). Also, it looks like she’s just hanging around in a neighborhood tree, waiting for children to wander on by beneath her so she can recruit them to help her sell drugs and pay them with candy. On the plus side, this is the outfit that is described in the book! (Though I have no idea if those jeans are indeed “designer.” Check it out:

But anyway. When we open, we find out that the entire sixth grade is excited about the sixth-grade fair—that’s not a fair FOR sixth-graders, exactly. It’s a fair run by sixth graders for the whole school. Sounds like a very Sweet Valley Board of Education thing to do, huh? Maybe it’s some kind of hazing thing.

Jessica, Lila, and Ellen are gabbing about how they want to be in charge of certain booths at the fair, and Julie Porter (I don’t know why they are allowing her to be near them, by the way) shakes her head and reminds them that booth assignments will be completely random. We’re told that Julie is “in charge” of assigning the booths, though, which doesn’t make sense, then? If it’s random, what exactly is her role?

The coveted booth is the Wheel of Fortune. The one booth that nobody wants is the Water Balloon Toss, because you have to let people throw water balloons at you.

Everyone interested in running a booth is to report to Mr. Bowman’s classroom after school. Luckily, there are the exact same number of booths as there are interested volunteers! Crazy.

The kids pick their assignments out of a hat. Caroline Pearce gets to draw first, and she gets the Wheel of Fortune. Jessica is PISSED. But not as pissed as she is when she draws…the Water Balloon Toss! Lila gets the Bottle Toss and Ellen gets the Softball Throw. Personally, I’d rather Lila run a booth where she tells me everything that’s wrong with my outfit and Ellen runs a booth where she shares her thoughts for like a half hour. They both begin to tease Jess about her misfortune.

You know who doesn’t show up to pick a booth? Amy Sutton—which is odd because she just got Elizabeth to take over her babysitting job by lamenting that because of it, she can’t be in charge of a booth. (Elizabeth has opted to help Olivia Davidson make posters advertising the fair and has no plans to run a booth. Why this means she is OK with basically missing the entire fair, I have no idea.)

Jessica is home before Elizabeth, and she answers a call from Mrs. Sampson, Elizabeth’s would-be babysitting client. Mrs. Sampson explains that the job is from 10 am to 5 pm and that she will pay Elizabeth $10 an hour to watch her 2 youngest children. Jessica realizes that if SHE swipes the job, she’ll not only avoid getting pelted with water balloons, but she’ll make $70.

There were a lot of things Jessica could do with seventy dollars. She had a list of things she needed desperately: new perfume, a bathing suit like Lila’s, a subscription to Ingenue magazine—the list went on and on.

She calls Mrs. Sampson back and says that while Elizabeth is busy, she, Jessica, can do her the enormous favor of babysitting. All the while, Jessica is snickering to herself thinking about how babysitting is super easy and that she’s going to make $70 for doing nothing all day.

Elizabeth is aghast but honestly doesn’t put up much of a fight for the job. Probably because Amy told her that the Sampson kids are monsters. Jessica, the little psycho, acts like she was only thinking of her sister when she stepped in, saying, “But I didn’t want you to miss the fair!”

Jessica backs out of the water balloon gig the very next day, and when Julie frets about finding a replacement on such short notice, Jess suggests…Elizabeth.

Honestly, isn’t this the sort of thing faculty should be willing to do? Kids would definitely have fun throwing water balloons at their teachers, and, you know…it just seems that having ONE kid have to take water balloons all day is sort of…not a great idea?

Elizabeth is furious and tells Jessica not to come crying to her if she discovers that she’s in over her head with the Sampson kids. I love it when Elizabeth tries to stand her ground with Jessica, but we know she’ll never actually do it.

Saturday: Jessica heads to the Sampsons’ house.

She’d brought a backpack stuffed with the latest issue of Ingenue magazine, a couple of paperbacks, and even some homework. Jessica was looking forward to a nice, relaxing day curled up in a chair reading. Maybe she could even coax the kids outside and sit in the sun.

Mrs. Sampson opened the door on the second ring. Oh, hello, Jessica,” she said. Jessica was surprised to see that Mrs. Sampson looked completely worn out. It was only ten o’clock in the morning.

Ha! Welcome to parenthood, Jessica.

We are introduced to Dennis, an “angelic-looking boy” and Susan, “a little girl with red curls.” Just pointing that out because, yay, that matches the image of the kids on the cover!

Mrs. Sampson tells Jess that her other two kids are out for the day—Gretchen is on a hike with her Brownie troop and Peter is at a friend’s house. She shows Jess where Dennis’ medicine is in case he gets an upset stomach, and explains that there is spaghetti for lunch in the refrigerator—and she asks Jess if she has a microwave at home. Hmm. This book was published in 1989. Were microwaves really that uncommon then?

The last piece of instruction is that nobody is allowed in the immaculate living room. The Sampsons are going to a party on a yacht, so they won’t be reachable. First, I’m jealous about this yacht party. Secondly, I don’t think I’d feel comfortable leaving my kids with a brand-new babysitter for an entire day when I can’t even check in on them. Although, we will soon learn why Mrs. Sampson is rightfully desperate to GTFO of her house.

The Sampsons leave, and the phone rings—it’s Lila, calling from the cordless phone she brought to the fair. She informs Jessica that Elizabeth is the star of the fair and she hasn’t even been hit by a water balloon yet.

Jessica set the phone down, feeling another pang. Maybe she should have let Elizabeth babysit after all. It had never occurred to Jessica that you could duck and avoid getting hit.

That last part made me LOL. Our Jess, always thinking things through.

Dennis and Susan are complaining about various things—Susan has a bug bite, Dennis wants ice cream, they’re both bored, etc. Jessica suggests they play “Library,” and shockingly, neither one goes for it. The fighting continues, and Jessica calls Lila’s cordless phone while hiding in a hall closet as the kids destroy each other. Lila gives the phone to Elizabeth, who is in no mood for Jess since she’s just been hit by a water balloon by Bruce Patman. Gotta say, I expected Elizabeth to be more good-natured about this water balloon thing.

Jess returns to the kitchen, where she finds Susan physically attacking Dennis for eating ALL of the ice cream. Minutes later, he pukes. Right after that, Gretchen calls and says she’s on her way home from her Brownie hike because one of the troop leaders sprained her ankle. While Jessica is on the phone, Dennis breaks a potted plant and gets dirt everywhere. Susan is climbing up the bookshelves and taking books out—and they find the key (yes, a key) to the off-limits living room. The kids snatch up the key before Jessica can, and then the doorbell rings. It’s Peter Sampson. Speaking of keys, why doesn’t he have one to his own house? Peter was thrown out of his friend’s house because they got into a fight. Jessica chooses this moment to call Elizabeth again to plead for help. Elizabeth refuses.

Jessica’s hands flew up to cover her eyes in horror. “What—what—” she stammered. She couldn’t believe what she saw.

All three children were in the living room—the only room in the house that was off-limits. Dennis was jumping up and down on the white couch with his tennis shoes on. Susan was playing some kind of make-believe game with the collection of Wedgwood china. And Peter was putting a tape into his father’s very expensive tape deck.

The kids all decide to give each other tattoos while they ignore Jessica’s demands. Then Gretchen shows up. More chaos ensues. Eventually, the kids need to eat.

Jessica looked at the microwave and frowned. She couldn’t remember now what Mrs. Sampson had said about it. Does she set it on high or low?

High, she decided. And it probably needs a long time to get really hot. She didn’t want any of these bratty kids complaining, especially since there was barely enough for each of them to get a taste. She set the microwave on high for eight minutes, and while the spaghetti was re-heating, tried to get everyone something to drink.

The spaghetti turns into a brick. I still don’t quite understand why Jessica doesn’t know how to use a microwave. Does this seem weird to anyone else? Maybe the Sampsons have some super high-tech advanced microwave. They have friends who have a yacht, so it’s possible. I have a friend who has one of those refrigerators with a display screen that shows notes and pictures. I wouldn’t know how to use that.

After giving the kids sandwiches, Jessica calls Elizabeth again. This time, Liz takes pity on her. She says she’ll come help but first, she wants to know what Jess is wearing. For once, Jessica is not interested in talking about her outfit! But Liz presses.

“I’m wearing those designer jeans Mom got us at the mall last week—you know, the faded ones—and the navy and white striped T-shirt with the white collar.” Once Jessica got started describing an outfit it was hard to stop her. And my white tennis shoes—not the ankle ones, the low ones—and white socks with a navy stripe, and—“”

“You don’t have to tell me what kind of underwear you’ve got on,” Elizabeth groaned.

Ha!

Elizabeth shows up but doesn’t let the kids see her.

Jessica shook her head. “Maybe I’m dumber than I thought, but I don’t get it. What good is looking like me going to do?”

Man, this book is full of gems.

The twins proceed to freak the kids out by letting them think that Jessica has teleportation powers. For some reason, this makes them improve their behavior. They even clean up the mess they made in the living room.

Meanwhile, Lila, who got stuck managing the water-balloon booth (So who is running Lila’s booth? Where is Julie Porter? This makes no sense!), is vowing to get even with Jessica.

Mr. and Mrs. Sampson come home and are blown away by how well Jessica managed all 4 kids on her own. The kids ask for Jessica to be their permanent babysitter, and Jessica collects her $70, plus a $10 tip.

When both twins are home, Jessica declines to give Elizabeth any credit for what she did, and until Elizabeth calls her out on it, she also tries to avoid giving her any of the money. Jessica really sucks, you guys.

The last chapter is weird and a waste. Elizabeth, Amy, Lila, Ellen, and a few others tell Jessica that they’re having a “mini fair” so she can see what it was like. Then they all throw water balloons at her. Everyone laughs, including Jess.

In the last few pages, Mr. Bowman tells everyone that they are going to spend the next few weeks studying the art, music, literature, etc. of a small country called Santa Dora. Caroline Pearce gossips that the reason why is that they’re getting an exchange student. Jessica is totally uninterested until Caroline mentions that the exchange student is a BOY. Oooh.

And that’s the setup for our next book, Princess Elizabeth.

(Click here for a recap of Sweet Valley Twins #30: Princess Elizabeth)

SVT #27: Teamwork

(Click here for a recap of Sweet Valley Twins #26: Taking Charge)

This was actually my first time reading this one—kind of a serious subject, not what I was expecting at all. Let’s look at the cover.

That’s Elizabeth and a young Ken Matthews with a dog called…Joe. Yeah. Joe the dog. I kind of like giving human names to animals, but after a book filled with Bitsys and the like, this Joe came out of nowhere. Props to the cover artist here—that young man does indeed look like a younger version of the Ken Matthews we see on Sweet Valley High covers!

The premise for this book is that the twins want Ned and Alice to stop treating them like babies. Jessica sees an ad for a crystal dining set in a magazine and decides that she wants to throw a dinner party. She’s going to make all of her friends dress up and Elizabeth is going to make a recipe she found in a French cookbook.

“Delicately seasoned chicken breasts wrapped around paper-thin slices of cheese and ham, sautéed in herb butter, and covered with a light cream sauce. Doesn’t that sound delicious?”

Jessica stared at the ceiling. “Mmmm.”

“And look at this,” Elizabeth held the book up for Jessica to see.

Jessica’s face went sour as she read from the page. “Chocolate mouse? That’s disgusting!”

Oh, Jess. So silly.

For some reason, the twins think their parents are going to let them have 10 12-year-olds over to use their wedding china. Honestly, this scenario would have been a more entertaining book. They’re aghast when their parents are like, ummm no. Ned and Alice also tell the twins that they have no idea how much it costs to get all this food for a big dinner party and that they should learn some responsibility when it comes to money.

Elizabeth and Jessica decide to prove themselves by earning enough money to go visit their Great Aunt Helen in a place called Sandy Harbor. Sounds like a fantastic time. The bus tickets will be $40 apiece. They immediately commit to the idea and start thinking up ways to make money. Literally not one person in the Wakefield house thinks to call Great Aunt Helen and see if it’s OK that the twins go visit her. What if Great Aunt Helen has plans? She might be going out of town. Or maybe she doesn’t want to be saddled with two 12-year-olds for days on end.

Elizabeth comes up with the terrific idea to start a dog-walking service. Never mind the fact that (at this point) they have never had a dog. And never mind the fact that Jessica LOST Mrs. Bramble’s dog when she dog-sat for like, a day and a half.

They borrow $5 from Steven so they can make photocopies (which cost 20 cents each!). He charges them 50% interest (ha!), so they now have to earn $87.50 walking dogs to ensure that they have enough money for their bus fare and to pay back Steven. I guess they expect Great Aunt Helen to bankroll their entertainment in Sandy Harbor.

Elizabeth runs into Ken Matthews while she’s making photocopies and he tells her that he loves dogs.

“Really? Then why don’t you have one?”

Geez, Elizabeth. I love a lot of things I don’t have. We can’t all lead charmed lives like you.

After school, the twins spend 2 hours handing out…5 flyers. Yup. 5. What is Sweet Valley, a fucking ghost town? They leave the rest of their flyers on car windshields and head home, Jessica complaining the whole way about her aching feet. I’m quite sure you’ve done at least this much walking at the Valley Mall, Jess. Come on.

That night, they get 2 customers. I guess Mrs. Bramble didn’t get a flyer, or else she would have spread the word that the Wakefield twins cannot be trusted with animals.

The next day, they walk Bitsy, a small cocker spaniel, and Buster, a rowdy Labrador that Jessica is afraid of. I don’t blame you, Jess! Few people in my life understand why I am not wild about dogs, but the truth is…I’m not. Multiple unfortunate childhood experiences, don’t hate me.

Amazingly, Jessica manages to almost lose this cocker spaniel, too. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Bramble’s dog was also a cocker spaniel. Wtf is Jessica’s problem? I’m not a dog person, but if I was in charge of one you can bet I wouldn’t let go of the leash.

The following day—the second day of business—Jessica starts flaking. She leaves Elizabeth to watch 3 dogs while she goes and tries on an outfit she spies in a boutique window. The next day, she begs off her responsibilities to attend Booster practice. The day after that, she flat-out ditches Elizabeth to go to Casey’s Place.

Luckily, Ken Matthews comes to the rescue! He helps Elizabeth walk the dogs for the day, and he doesn’t even want any money for it.

The owner of 2 terriers asks Elizabeth if she can keep them at her house Saturday and Sunday, and give them baths, for $20. Wtf? I have several issues with this. One, what is 1989’s $20 equivalent to today? Because that sounds like a shit deal. Secondly, this is a 12-year-old girl the dogs’ owner has known for less than a week. How does she trust her? And how does she not think this is a crazy imposition? Who the fuck does this?

Ned and Alice agree to let the twins dog-sit. The fuck?

That night, Jessica fake apologizes for “forgetting” about their job and promises she will be there over the weekend to care for the terriers.

“Good.” Elizabeth grinned. “Because tomorrow, I’m going roller-skating.”

She got a brief but satisfying glimpse of Jessica’s shocked face before whirling around and going to her room.

This was it, guys. Elizabeth’s ultimate mic-drop moment.

On Saturday, Jessica miserably watches the terriers in her yard for about 10 minutes after Elizabeth leaves. Then Lila and Ellen come over and brag that they’re going to the mall. Jessica seethes with jealousy. And then, it’s Ken to the rescue again! He wanders by to see how it’s going with the terriers and offers to stay with them so Jessica can go to the mall.

When Elizabeth comes back she acts like a mother about it and actually says that Jessica doesn’t deserve to go on the trip. I find this a bit annoying, honestly.

OK, now, finally, something interesting happens. Congratulations if you have made it this far. This book is really fucking boring, I’m sorry. I mean, we have Elizabeth lecturing and a pivotal scene by the town photocopier. I need more.

A sleek black sports car pulls up by the Wakefield house. A man and a “beautiful white dog” get out. I’m assuming that’s the dog on the cover. The one that requires and ultimately benefits from “teamwork.”

There was something about the man’s expression that made Elizabeth feel uncomfortable. His mouth was set in a thin line, and is pale blue eyes were cold and unfriendly.

This dude says his name is Quincy and he needs a place to leave his dog for a week (A WEEK?!) while he’s out of town on “business.” Quincy can afford a sports car but not adequate care for his dog, apparently.

Elizabeth says they have to ask their parents, who aren’t home right now. Doesn’t she know she shouldn’t tell strangers that? Quincy—or Mr. Quincy, as he’s suddenly called—persuades the twins to take the dog by giving them $20 and promising an additional $20 when he returns. Jessica agrees.

The man pulled a wallet from his pocket, and handed her twenty dollars. “Did you bring his food?” Elizabeth asked.

“No,” the man said. He handed her a few more bills. “Here, you can buy some.” Then, without saying goodbye to his dog, or even patting him on the head, he turned abruptly and started back toward his car.

“Mr. Quincy!” Elizabeth called after him.

The man looked back. “What do you want?”

“What’s the dog’s name?”

“Joe.” And with that, the man climbed back into his car and drove away.

Creepy.

Jessica was gazing dreamily at the twenty-dollar bill in her hands when Elizabeth deftly grabbed it from her. “I’ll put this away,” she said. She wasn’t about to let her sister loose in Sweet Valley with a twenty-dollar bill.

Right. She might do something crazy, like buy a bunch of beer, or all the purple shit in town.

The kids notice that Joe smells, and that he seems sad and scared. They decide to give him a bath, and then they find cuts and bruises on his body. They figure out that Mr. Quincy is abusing his dog (which I guess is why he didn’t leave him the care of professionals) but they don’t know what to do—and because Ned and Alice have insisted that the twins prove themselves responsible, they don’t think they can turn to them. Nice parenting, guys!

Ken says he’s going to come over every day after school to help them look after Joe. It’s actually pretty sweet how we see Ken jump right in and care for him. And even Jessica seems to care about Joe.

Ken continues to look after Joe as the days go on. He buys him toys, gets medicine from a vet to heal his wounds, etc. Joe begins to trust Ken and become a happier, less afraid dog. Probably a little too fast to be realistic in any way, but that’s OK.

Ken, Elizabeth and Jessica decide that they have to make sure Mr. Quincy doesn’t get Joe back. Their first plan is to cut and dye Joe’s hair so that he is unrecognizable. They’ll tell him he ran away and Ken will tell his parents he found a stray and ask to keep him. Jessica takes care of the terrible haircut and dye job but Ken’s mom won’t allow him to keep Joe.

Ken brings Joe to his cousin Fred’s. Fred lives on a ranch 10 miles outside of town. He has 3 dogs already and says he’ll keep Joe. The kids leave Joe at the farm and head back to the Wakefield house, where they know that Mr. Quincy will be waiting.

Predictably, Mr. Quincy freaks out when they say that Joe took off. We’re told his face becomes “purple with rage” as he wonders why he trusted children with his dog. Good question, bucko. For some reason, Ned and the kids leave this raging stranger alone with Alice while they go out and look/pretend to look for Joe. I get that he has a right to be upset, but this dude is scary and creepy anyway. What the fuck, Ned?

Obviously, they don’t find Joe. Mr. Quincy threatens to sue. And the next morning, things get worse. Ken calls and informs the twins that Joe has run away for real. They make plans to go back by the ranch and look around, but then Ken’s mom says he can’t go because…he was already there once that weekend. Wtf? Who cares? What kind of a reason is that?! Adults in Sweet Valley are weird.

Eventually, they all decide that they have to come clean and tell their parents the truth: Mr. Quincy abused Joe and they made up the whole story to save him, but now he’s run away for real. They head back to Calico Drive, where they find…Joe!

Ned and Alice have already called Mr. Quincy and Ken freaks, saying they can’t let Joe go back to him. Before they can explain, Mr. Quincy shows up. Joe cowers in terror behind Ken.

“Your dog doesn’t seem thrilled to see you,” Mr. Wakefield commented.

For some reason that made me chuckle.

The kids accuse Mr. Quincy of animal abuse, and considering the way Joe is acting, Ned and Alice believe him. When Mr. Quincy tries to forcibly take Joe, Ned orders him to stop and says he’ll slap him with a lawsuit if he takes Joe, as dog abuse is against the law.

Mr. Quincy says he is innocent but leaves, citing the high cost of dog food.

Everyone learns important lessons. Ken gets to keep Joe, and the twins get to go on their trip even though they didn’t make enough money—all things considered, they still earned it.

The last 2 pages of the book set up the next one, April Fool.

SUPER CHILLER #1: The Christmas Ghost

OK guys, this is it: the first-ever Super Chiller! And it’s about…Christmas. Yeah. Not Halloween. Idk what went into that decision.

Let’s look at the cover. Major Jessica and the Earthquake vibes. That’s Jess in her frilly nightgown, scared to death of a strange blonde child in her room. And who can blame her? This book really should have been called “The Christmas Ghosts,” plural, because this girl is just one of three ghosts that terrorize Jess by showing her what a shit sister she is.

We open with the twins window-shopping at the Valley Mall, oohing and aahing over the Christmas décor and pointing things out that they would love to receive as presents. Elizabeth spots a small sculpture of a porcelain carousel horse. Elizabeth is a horse freak so she loves it. Weirdly, Jessica loves it too. The horse has a purple saddle, but really? I just don’t understand Jessica wanting something like this.

Elizabeth remarks that it reminds her of the carousel they used to go on in the park when they were little—Elizabeth had cried when they tore it down. Jess suggests Elizabeth add the sculpture to her Christmas list, but Lizzie shakes her head, saying she’s already asked for lots of things (Like what? Another fucking Amanda Howard mystery?) and the horse is probably expensive.

Of course, that doesn’t stop Jessica from asking for it, or from bragging to Elizabeth when she finds it in the bottom of Alice’s closet. Elizabeth feels kind of hurt—over the horse, and also over the fact that Jessica takes every chance she gets to show Elizabeth that she doesn’t care about her. Ha! Sounds like someone I used to be married to, Lizzie.

Case in point: while Elizabeth slaves away making cookies to sell at the holiday bazaar, Jessica lazes away at Lila’s house. The holiday bazaar was an effort to make some money for the children’s wing of the Sweet Valley Hospital, and all of Elizabeth’s do-gooder friends put in some effort, but they fall short of their goal. Elizabeth wracks her brain trying to think of another way to make money. She finds out that teenage heartthrob Beau Dillon is coming to Sweet Valley to promote his new movie, about a teenager who dies from cancer—and that Beau has been spending a lot of time in hospitals with kids as part of the process. She writes to Beau to ask for his help with her fundraiser.

I know you’re going to be shocked, but Beau agrees to help! He writes back to Elizabeth and says he will stop by her house to discuss the details. She calls his agent to confirm the date, and everything is all set! Unfortunately, Elizabeth decides to share the news with Jessica, who immediately wants to invite all of her stupid Unicorn friends over to meet Beau.

The following night, the twins attend a party at Fowler Crest, and tell everyone the big news. Lila is pissed that the news is overshadowing her bash, so she says Beau will probably never show. Elizabeth is like, just you wait! Jessica doesn’t bother to defend her sister even though she knows Elizabeth received a letter from Beau and spoke to his agent. Why, Jessica?! Why?!

Jessica shrugged. “I didn’t want to get Lila mad at me,” she admitted. “I think she’s getting me something really good for Christmas.  If she’s angry, she might give my gift to Ellen instead.”

Elizabeth bit her lip. This was too much. “I think you acted really awful,” she told her sister. “Honestly, Jessica. If you keep on being so selfish, you’ll end up with no friends at all.”

The next day is Christmas Eve—the day Beau is supposed to stop by. No family party, Beau? Did you cut them all off when you became a big movie star? The twins wait and wait, but he never shows. Eventually, Elizabeth has to leave to go to the hospital and pass out gifts to the children. Jessica’s not participating. Shocker. Elizabeth is heartbroken that Beau is a no-show.

Minutes after Elizabeth and Alice leave, guess who shows up? And guess who doesn’t tell him she’s not Elizabeth? And honestly all of that would be fine, except that in a monumental streak of psycho selfishness, Jessica also decides to not tell Elizabeth that Beau showed up at all—or that he’s planning to take her out for lunch on December 27th to further discuss fundraiser details. Instead, she plans to go in Elizabeth’s place and then let her know after so that she can do all the work. I’m not kidding.

That night, the Wakefields each open one gift. Elizabeth chooses a present from Amy: the new Amanda Howard mystery! LOL, I so know you, Elizabeth! Steven says, “A biography of my favorite basketball star! Terrific!” (Yeah that sounds totally natural, ghostwriter.) Jessica picks Lila’s present, which ends up being a poster of a huge purple unicorn. Jessica loves it.

Elizabeth tries to keep her spirits up but it’s clear that she’s still upset about Beau and hoping that he will come through for her. Jessica tries to ignore the fact that her selfish lie is hurting her sister, because, you know…she doesn’t want to ruin her own Christmas Eve!

Before she goes to bed, Jessica hangs her new poster up on the wall. She can’t help but feel like the unicorn’s eyes are a little creepy—they seem to be watching her.

She gets in bed but can’t quite sleep, and then weird things start to happen. First, she hallucinates that the lamp by her bed is the old clown one she and Elizabeth had in their room when they were little. Elizabeth loved the lamp and Jessica hated it. One day when she was in a particularly foul mood, Jessica purposely broke the lamp. Elizabeth cried and cried, and Jessica never came clean. (Jessica’s always been terrible, you guys.)

She felt disoriented. What time was it? Jessica turned to look at her digital clock. The blue numerals read 12:00.

Midnight. The witching hour, when strange things happened.

Jessica felt her bed shake slightly.

Her heart seemed to jump to her throat. Too frightened to shriek, she turned slowly to look. What she saw made her draw back in horror.

A little girl stood at the foot of her bed.

“Who are you?” Jessica gulped.

It’s the Ghost of Christmas Past! Duh, Jessica. Your dad literally just read that story like 2 hours ago. The Ghost explains that she is Jessica’s younger self (not sure how that makes sense, but OK) and she has come to show her a part of herself that she has forgotten.

They go to Sweet Valley Elementary School, where Jessica sees the younger versions of herself and Elizabeth acting like best friends. Little Jessica compliments Little Elizabeth on how well she read aloud in class, and turns down Little Lila’s invitation to walk with her at the front of the line, saying, “I’d rather stay with my sister.” Little Elizabeth gives Little Jessica half of her chocolate chip cookie. Little Jessica sticks up for Little Elizabeth when Little Bruce calls her a baby. And on Christmas morning, Little Jessica switches dolls with Little Elizabeth, saying, “I want my best friend to happy.”

Watching this scene, Jessica felt very small and empty inside. Would she do the same thing today? Somehow, she knew the answer was no.

Everything spins, and Jessica winds up back in her bedroom. It’s 1:00 AM, and something is amiss—her new unicorn poster isn’t on the wall. She soon finds out why—the unicorn appears to her, claiming to be The Ghost of Christmas Present, and demanding that Jessica climb on its back so it can show her more of what she needs to see. I guess this unicorn is just as bossy as the rest of ’em!

First, they go to Beau Dillon’s house, where Jessica overhears Beau saying wonderful things about her—then she realizes they don’t apply to her at all. Jessica doesn’t care deeply about other people. Jessica’s not concerned about the kids in the hospital. Jessica starts to regret choosing to let Beau believe she was Elizabeth.

Next up is what will be tomorrow’s Christmas as the Wakefields’.

“You are seeing this scene through your sister’s eyes.” The unicorn’s deep voice rumbled close to her ear. “You will be able to hear Elizabeth’s thoughts, feel what she is feeling. Something you haven’t done lately.”

Gotta say, I love that this unicorn is giving Jessica so much shit.

“What a pretty sweater, Jess,” Elizabeth said now. “It’s almost the same shade as my new slacks.”

“Don’t think you can borrow it,” her sister warned, her tone sharp. “It’s brand-new, after all.”

Jessica felt herself turning red. Why did she have to be so hateful toward her twin? She felt sick to her stomach.

Jessica can hear Elizabeth thinking about how sad she is about Beau, and that she feels like Jessica is involved in some way.

After that, Jessica sees Elizabeth crying to Alice at the beginning of that school year, hurt over the fact that Jessica wanted to be a Unicorn, kept it a secret, and is generally acting like she doesn’t want her around.

Jessica cries and says she’s sorry she made her sister so unhappy.

“Too late,” the unicorn rumbled. It took another great leap, and Jessica cried out in fear.

“Please stop!”

But the creature ignored her cries, continuing to climb. It soared higher and higher. Jessica’s head spun and she was afraid of what was coming next. This time, she was sure, the unicorn would drop her. She’d fall to the ground far below and shatter like a broken doll.

The unicorn snorted and plunged so wildly that no matter how tight she clung to its neck, Jessica could feel herself beginning to slip. With one last great leap, the unicorn sprang out of her grasp. Jessica began to fall. The cold mist rushed past her.

“Help!” Jessica cried.

Jessica wakes up in her bed, but not for long—as she’s comforting herself with all the familiar things, she suddenly notices the scent of flowers. Suddenly she’s in a field near Secca Lake, and there’s a strange figure beckoning her.

“Are you the third ghost?” Jessica demanded, nervousness making her voice sound shrill. “Have you come here to guide me?”

The strange form glided forward. Jessica took a step backward before she could stop herself. The form was tall, but still hard to see clearly. It was draped in a white, loose-fitting robe that covered it from head to toe, with a deep hood that gave no glimpse of the face within the shadows.

Kinda poetic.

The ghost leads Jessica over to a group of happy teenagers. In the middle is “a slim girl in stylish clothes.” Jessica immediately thinks she is looking at her future self, and is delighted.

The girl is clearly well-liked and having a good time, but every once in a while, she glances over at the forest and looks worried. She then remarks that she hopes their “initiate” is doing OK, because it’s awfully dark in the forest. She asks one of the boys if he placed the white tags where they would be in plain view, and he’s like, sure, sure. Then she heads to the car to fetch some hot dogs for their fire.

Once she leaves, everyone else starts gossiping—about how lovely this girl is, and what a shame it is that she has such a shit sister.

Jessica wonders what happened to make Elizabeth so unpopular.

JEEZ, JESSICA HAS LEARNED NOTHING!

The ghost takes Jess into the woods, where they find another girl, identical to the other one, crying.

“Oh, Elizabeth,” the girl murmured. “How could you let them treat me like this? I know they’re all spiteful, but I didn’t expect this of you.”

Finally, it clicks. Jessica looks at the girl in horror as the girl continues to mutter to herself about how the others purposely made sure she would fail initiation into the sorority.

(I still don’t understand high school sororities, by the way.)

Next, they watch a football game. Jessica is jealous of the cheerleaders, and for some reason this ghostwriter decides to have Cara Walker make a guest appearance. I guess that means Cara would have been a cheerleader even without being Jessica’s best friend?

Older Jessica is sitting alone on the bleachers, wearing a fantastic outfit. But no friends. Again, all anyone else can talk about is how shitty she is. They say she’s self-centered. They mention the Lois Waller shaving-cream trick. How she tried to steal Todd Wilkins from Elizabeth. And the time she lied to Beau Dillon.

How does Jessica not think about how weird the Todd thing is? That’s the plot of Sweet Valley High No. 1, Double Love. It hasn’t happened yet! I know they both like Todd in a Twins book too, but there’s no outright stealing going on. (Elizabeth’s First Kiss…I’m going to recap that one after the holidays!)

Anyway.

The ghost takes Jess to the Dairi Burger next. She sees Elizabeth sitting with a bunch of friends, exchanging holiday gifts. And there’s Jessica, once again all by herself, alone at a table in the corner.

OK, time out. I really don’t get this. I’m sure Older Jessica is aware that she’s not well-liked. If she doesn’t have any friends, why does she keep hanging around nearby with a scowl on her face? Wouldn’t she just stay home and watch TV or something?

Lois Waller (Who is still fat, by the way) asks Jessica if she’d like to sit together. Jessica responds cruelly, and calls Lois a loser.

Bruce approaches Jessica and pretends to ask her on a date. To a dog show. Once she accepts, he tells her he will send her the number of the booth, since she’ll be entering. It’s stupid and terrible at the same time.

Next, they’re back at the Wakefields’ house, in Elizabeth’s room. It’s very evident that Elizabeth is a picture-perfect teenager, from the photos with friends that adorn the dresser mirror, to her writing and citizenship awards.

Older Elizabeth sits at her desk, writing in her diary. Jessica doesn’t respect anyone’s privacy, future self or not! She reads about how sad Elizabeth is that Jessica is unhappy, and guess where she thinks it all went wrong? That Christmas that she lied about Beau Dillon!

Jessica begs the ghost to tell her if there is still a chance that she can change her future. The ghost says nothing. Jessica, desperate, starts pulling on the robe, which eventually slips away to reveal nothing underneath. Jessica lets out a “bloodcurdling scream” and ends up back in her bed.

The clock beside her read 8:05. Jessica never slept this late on Christmas morning.

Pushing the sheet aside, Jessica jumped off the bed, eager to get downstairs. Where were her slippers? She found the left one, but its mate seemed to be lost. Then Jessica remembered how her right slipper had dropped off and fallen through the clouds when she rode the unicorn’s back. No, no, she told herself firmly. That was only a bad dream.

Jessica immediately hugs Elizabeth and tells her she loves her.

“Funny,” Elizabeth was saying. “I glanced into your room before I went downstairs, but I thought your bed was empty. I thought you’d gone down without me. Then you weren’t downstairs either.”

Officially spooked, Jessica spills about Beau to Elizabeth. That he did come yesterday. And she never mentioned it. And Elizabeth NEVER ASKS WHY JESSICA NEVER SAID ANYTHING.

That is bigger bullshit than the whole rest of this book. WHAT?!

Later, Jessica gives the carousel horse to Elizabeth, and a present and a note arrive from Beau, confirming his lunch with the good twin on December 27th.

As we know, Jessica goes on to become even more diabolical. I don’t know why none of these ghosts ever showed up again to right her path!

SUPER CHILLER #2: The Ghost in the Graveyard (Part Two)

(If you missed Part One of this recap, click here!)

OK, here we go. Let’s finish this book. Sam, Elizabeth, and Jessica are hanging around the graveyard waiting for the ghost Sam claims to have seen. This must be the scene we see on the cover.

Jessica doesn’t want to be at the graveyard (no sales, I guess) but Elizabeth guilts her into it by saying that Sam needs their help because he’s going through a tough time and he’s new and doesn’t have very many friends yet. Oh please. Sam has been adopted by the Wakefield twins. He’s going to be absolutely fine.

Anyway, they wait. Just went they are about to give up, a chilly, wet breeze passes through and Jessica shrieks—she sees the ghost! Jessica and Sam are frightened as fuck but Elizabeth does something that astonishes them—she takes off after the ghost! Who turns out not to be a ghost! He’s just a real live person like them! Elizabeth was tipped off by his tan and his Johnny Buck T-shirt.

I really need to know why Sam and Jessica assumed this kid was a ghost. Was it really foggy, or something? Although, to be fair, who hangs around graveyards at night? Just weird kids and ghosts, I suppose.

The boys stare at each other bewildered until Jessica tells them they’re twins. Takes one to know one! Or it takes anyone with eyes, whatever. This boy’s name is David Barton, he was also adopted as a baby, has the same deceased parents as Sam, and has lived in Sweet Valley all his life.

“You must go to the other school,” Elizabeth remarked. “That must be why we never met.”

Weirdly, David does not confirm nor deny this. I guess he goes to the yet-to-be-invented Sweet Valley Junior High? Isn’t that where everyone goes after an earthquake takes out Sweet Valley Middle School? It would have been awesome if he was like, “No, I go to the same as school as you guys, you’re just too self-involved to notice anyone who isn’t a privileged member of your exclusive circle!”

Sam and David go to Sam’s house to, um, surprise/confront his parents. They discover that they both have a dog named Terry. And they both like Johnny Buck. EERIE. Sam’s mom is on the phone with his dad when they come in and she tells him to come home right the fuck now.

Sam’s parents had no idea that he had a twin. Nobody ever mentioned it to them. They all talk for an hour and then they go over to David’s house. The reception there is quite different.

David’s parents looked at the two boys.

“Sam!” Mrs. Barton exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

Mrs. Barton explains that when the twins’ parents died in the car crash, the only relative they had was their Great-Aunt Bea. Ol’ Bea was as old as she sounds. She tried for a while to take care of them but eventually decided it was just too much, so she gave Sam up for adoption. She didn’t want anyone to know he had a twin because then they would want to take both boys. Then like a literal month later she was like actually, I’m too old to take care of this one baby. So she gave David to her neighbors—his now-parents.

Honestly, that’s a shit story. It would have been much better if Bea died or something. Like, she separated them on purpose so she could keep one and then decided she was just going to put that baby up for adoption, too? Come on.

There’s a brief interlude for a Wakefield break. Elizabeth, Jessica, and Steven are eating pizza in the den while Ned and Alice attend a dinner party. Steven complains that Elizabeth and Jessica’s chattering about Sam and David is making it hard for him to concentrate on the game show he is watching. Come on, Steven. I am a big fan of 14-year-old you, but surely the Sam and David situation is more interesting than Wheel of Fortune or whatever. Then Steven plays a trick on the twins and steals all the pizza. That’s more like it.

Sam and David have a sleepover so they can talk more. They discover that they both have the same recurring nightmare about an old man walking in a thunderstorm. That night they BOTH have the dream and wake up at the same time the next morning.

The two boys were quiet for a moment. Then Sam asked, “Do you have any pictures of our natural parents?”

David hopped out of bed and reached into a drawer in his dresser. From underneath a pile of socks, he pulled out a small framed photograph and handed it to Sam.

“This isn’t anything like the picture I have,” Sam said, staring at the photo. “And look! I don’t believe it! They’re standing in front of that house!”

Sam and David’s parents are in front of the old house on McClarendon Street! Creepy! David confesses that he’s not too interested in the past, or dead people. Then what the fuck were you doing in the graveyard, David?!

Sam studied the photograph, looking for a clue. His father looked happy. Sam could tell he was smiling under his bushy mustache. His mom looked pretty, and was laughing. Then Sam noticed a face in the upstairs window. It looked like an old man, but it was impossible to make out the person’s features.

“Look,” Sam said to David,” pointing at the face. “Who is that?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Because I went to the house the other day, and I thought I saw someone standing in that window,” Sam told him excitedly, pointing to the window in the picture.

“Maybe the house isn’t really empty,” David said. “Wouldn’t it be cool if someone is secretly living there? Or maybe it’s haunted!”

“I wonder why our parents had their picture taken there,” Sam said.

Later that afternoon, Sam, David, Elizabeth, and Jessica go to the house on McClarendon Street. They find an elderly man called P.J. working in the garden. He claims to be the caretaker, and none of the kids call him out and say he’s doing a shit job. Kids were so much more polite back in the 90s.

Sam is spooked—he thinks P.J. is the man from their dream, but David doesn’t think so. They ask P.J. about their parents, and learn that the Burroughs family used to own this house. They built it and passed it down for generations. The last person to own it was Peter Burroughs. Sam recalls seeing his grave.

“That unfortunate man,” P.J. said. “Had he lived, would have had the great fortune to know you, his great-grandsons.” The caretaker paused for a moment. “But something tragic happened,” he said.

Peter Burroughs was friends with Jeremiah Seever, and they decided to start a business together. Peter mortgaged his family home to have enough money to start the business. The business was a success but  the friendship between the two men dissolved because Peter suspected Jeremiah was cheating him. They sold the business and then, after Peter died, Jeremiah produced fake papers saying that the house was given to him as part of the dissolution of their business. Peter’s widow and children were forced out and Jeremiah moved in, spending the rest of his miserable life alone on McClarendon Street.

“Hey, you guys,” Jessica said to David and Sam. That means this house should have been yours.”

Weirdly neither Sam nor David thinks what Jessica says is very interesting, when in fact it might be the most interesting thing she’s ever pointed out in her life.

Sam asked P.J. about Michael Burroughs.

A sudden change came over P.J.’s face. “I can’t stand here telling stories all day,” he said. “I’ve got work to do!” His voice sounded angry.

Sam runs after P.J., who walks around the other side of the house and seems to vanish into thin air.

Chapter 12: Jessica decides the old house is the perfect place to finish her elaborate prank on Lila. She places a note that says “Fooled you, Lila!” into a small wooden box and hides it on the property. The whole time she feels like someone is watching her and she can’t wait to get out of there.

Elizabeth is making dinner by herself again because Jessica was under Janet Howell’s orders to stay at the mall—she’d heard that Mr. Bowman, he of striped shirts and polka-dot ties, was going to go clothes shopping, and she wanted the club to follow him around and make fun of him. That’s actually kind of funny since Mr. Bowman is a grown man who seems to dress terribly on purpose.

On Tuesday morning, Elizabeth and Sam go to city hall to see if they can find any birth and death records for the people in Sam’s family. They find records for Michael Burroughs, who was born on the same day as Sam and David—and died the before his twelfth birthday.

Sam pointed to the line that read “Cause of Death.” “Can you read that?” Sam asked.

“No, I can’t,” the clerk replied. “Many of these old records are too faded to read.”

“Well, what do you do when you can’t read them?” Sam asked.

“Usually? Nothing.”

This clerk is a MOOD, guys.

She does recommend that Sam go to the library and dig up some old newspapers because there would probably be a story about Michael’s death. The library closes at 5:00, and Sam and Elizabeth get there at exactly 5:01. The librarian is a stickler and just keeps saying “Come back tomorrow.”

Elizabeth has a baby-sitting gig in the morning, so Sam is on his own.

That evening brings the conclusion of Jessica’s prank. Lila is super pissed when she discovers Jessica has been pretending to be the reincarnation of gold-finder Lillian Barnes. She runs off, leaving Jessica alone on the grounds of the old creepy mansion—and Jess ends up getting locked in. Luckily, Elizabeth is riding home from the library at the same time and her twintuition kicks in. She goes to the house and manages to get Jessica out. The gate was only stuck, not locked. She hardly bats an eye before reprimanding Jessica for dragging out her joke for so long.

Jessica looked back at the house and gulped. “I don’t know. There’s something so eerie here, Lizzie. I really think this place is haunted.”

Elizabeth’s stomach did a flip-flop. “Oh, come on, Jessica. It couldn’t be,” But she couldn’t help feeling a little bit frightened.

“I think it is,” Jessica stated firmly. “And Sam and David better stay away. I think it could be dangerous—especially for them.”

The next morning, Sam arrives at the library a few minutes before opening time, and that cranky-ass librarian still won’t let him in. Jeez. When she finally does, she shows him how to load microfilm and he scrolls through photographs of old newspapers. Ah, I miss those days!

He finally finds what he’s looking for.

The front page headline of the Sweet Valley News read, “Local Businessman and Grandson Drown in Boating Accident.” The date on the paper was his birthday.

Sam’s hands were clammy and he wiped them on his jeans. Then he began to read the article carefully.

Peter J. Burroughs, 59, and his grandson, Michael Burroughs, 11, drowned yesterday in a boating accident during a severe storm. According to family members, Mr. Burroughs had taken his young grandson on a boating trip during fair weather to celebrate the boy’s twelfth birthday, which would have been today.

And so it goes on to quote witnesses saying how it was a perfectly lovely Sweet Valley-type day and then the clouds rolled through in an instant.

Sam keeps reading and finds a separate article just about Peter J. Burroughs, and it has a photograph—and Peter J. Burroughs looks exactly like P.J., the caretaker at the mansion! Who would have thought?!

Sam uses the payphone to call David, but he’s not home—his father took him sailing.

DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Sam hung up the phone. His hands were shaking. Now he was truly afraid something terrible was going to happen. Thirty years ago there had been a boating accident. A boy and a man had drowned in a sudden storm, one day before the boy’s twelfth birthday. That boy had the same birthday as David and Sam. And tomorrow was their birthday. It was too odd to be a coincidence. Sam was convinced the same thing was going to happen to David and his father!

For some reason, David then heads to the twins’ house instead of going to straight to the marina. They call, but it’s too late—David and his dad are on the water. They rush down to the marina, and by the time they arrive the beautiful day has given way to a sudden storm, the sky black as night. They can see the boat out in the water, getting thrown around like a toy. Sam passes out.

When he comes to, David father is there, rescued by the Coast Guard—but no David. At some point during the hours-long search for David, Sam falls asleep and dreams about P.J. rescuing his brother and bringing him to a cabin. When he wakes up, he tells everyone that he knows David is OK and that he even knows where he is.

With nothing to lose, the Lieutenant Liang (score one for diversity, ghostwriter!) agrees to follow Sam. I know you guys are going to be SHOCKED, but guess what—David is right where Sam said he would be, and he is OK! He says he was rescued by P.J., and the boys deduce that P.J. is the ghost of their great-grandfather, Peter Burroughs.

Sam spends the night at David’s and they notice that the face they saw in the window in the picture of the old house is gone—it was P.J., and now that he has been able to do what he couldn’t 30 years ago, he can rest in peace.

They also notice a door where they never have before and decide to go to the house the next day to see if they can find it.

They do find it—and inside, the small room, they find an envelope of legal papers signed by Peter Burroughs and Jeremiah Seever. They take them to David’s parents, who are both lawyers, to decode the papers. Another huge shock—the papers detail the dissolve of their business but say nothing about P.J. giving the house to Jeremiah. And as the only living members of the Burroughs family, David and Sam are now the rightful owners of the house!

They throw a party there for their 12th birthday. We’re told that the electricity hasn’t been hooked up yet so there are “dozens” of candles burning in all of the rooms. Yeah that sounds safe. Nothing bad could possibly happen.

At the end of the party, Lila gets back at Jessica for tricking her, basically by yelling boo. Good one Li. And finally, Elizabeth suckers Jessica into cooking dinner, which she totally screws up so she ends up serving cheese sandwiches. Gotta tell you, I don’t think those 2 plots needed to be wrapped up. But otherwise, great job, ghostie!

SUPER CHILLER #2: The Ghost in the Graveyard (Part One)

Wow, I really enjoyed my reread of this book. It’s up there with The Curse of the Ruby Necklace for me. There’s just the right amount of spook and the ghostwriter really knows how to set the scene. I got the same feeling reading this book as I used to get while watching A Haunting or Celebrity Ghost Stories. If you know what I mean, we’re the same kind of people.

Let’s check out the cover. There’s Elizabeth with her new friend Sam. Lizzie looks like she has indeed seen something shocking. Sam looks like…you know the way you look when you’re standing with a group of people and one of them starts going off about something they have no business talking about, because they’re being critical, but they might as well be describing themselves, but they don’t have the self-awareness to ever realize it? So you look at your one friend who you know is thinking the exact same thing you are? That’s how Sam looks to me. Over on the right-hand side, in the distance, behind a gravestone, is another boy who looks eerily similar to Sam. The implication, of course, is that this is the aforementioned GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD. But this is Sweet Valley so it’s not quite that simple.

Top of chapter 1: it’s the last day of school before spring vacation and Elizabeth is reading a ghost story in the cafeteria. Jessica wanders over and balks at Elizabeth READING for the millionth time in their lives. Doesn’t Jessica know by now that Elizabeth likes to fucking read? What is the big shock?

Caroline Pearce comes by with a little gossip: the new boy moving in on the twins’ street is CUTE. How she could possibly know this? I have no idea. After all, this is the age before social media. Oh by the way, the entire sixth grade is going on a boat trip the next day. Elizabeth suggests that they invite the new kid along. Jessica basically wants to wait until she knows if he’s cute or not. Wtf Jessica? That’s mean AF.

The next morning, Jessica wakes up uncharacteristically early because she wants to go scope out the new neighbor. She drags Elizabeth out of bed and then spends an hour deciding what color lip gloss to wear. Eventually, the twins meet Sam Sloane. He’s cute! Sam is 11 and will be starting sixth grade at Sweet Valley Middle School after the break, but I don’t believe we ever hear about him again. Sorry, Sam. But at least your one and only Sweet Valley appearance was in a Super Chiller, and one of the very best ones, too!

Sam accepts the twins’ invitation to go on the boat trip. I guess no permission slip of any kind is needed. They leave and we follow Sam as he hops on his shiny green ten-speed and rides around town. It’s a gloomy day and he shouldn’t know his way around but his parents are like “K, byesies!”

For some strange reason, Sam feels like he actually knows his way around pretty well. A lot of things look familiar to him, too. And he feels “called” toward certain places, like to a rickety old mansion on McClarendon Street, which is on the other side of Sweet Valley. It’s unclear whether that means the shitty part where Betsy Martin and her drunk dad live or some other “other” part.

One reason MIGHT be because Sam was actually born in Sweet Valley—his parents died in a car accident when he was a baby. He was then adopted by two awesome people who moved him to San Francisco. I love San Francisco, guys.

Halfway down the block, Sam came to a stop in front of a crumbling mansion. He recognized it immediately. This was it—this was what had been pulling him, calling to him, although he didn’t know why. It was a spooky house. It sat in the middle of a large yard filled with dead flowers and overgrown weeds. A high wrought-iron fence surrounded the property, making it look like a jail. Many of the windows were broken, some of the frames were rotting, and the dull gray paint was peeling. It was clear that no one lived there.

Why am I here? Sam wondered.

The wind blew a sheet of newspaper into the spokes of Sam’s bicycle. He suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to get away. He jumped on his bike and rode as hard and as fast as he could, heading back to the safety of his own house. But all the way he kept thinking, I know something about that house. I can feel it. If only I knew what it was.

Spoiler alert: a more accurate name for this book would have been The Ghost in the Old House, but I guess that’s not as much of an attention-getter, is it? Well, to me it would be just as much, but I digress.

The next day, Sam wakes up with a start from a dream he’s having about drowning. There’s an old man trying to save him. It sounds pretty terrifying but Sam gets over it quickly. The only thing calling to him now is a big bowl of cereal! Prob some sugary kind that was totally acceptable in 1990. He tells his mom that things look familiar to him and asks if she thinks he might recognize things from when he was a baby. She’s like, nah.

Ned drives Sam, Elizabeth, and Jessica to the marina for the boat trip and Sam recognizes the marina.

Sam sat perfectly still, as if frozen. The boats, the docks, the pier, the restaurants, Sam thought. It’s all so familiar.

Surely some of the restaurants at least must be different now, Sam!

As soon as Ned stops the car, Jessica runs away to go catch up with Lila. It makes no sense because she was just saying how jealous Lila and the Unicorns were going to be when they saw that Sam arrived with them. Now she’s sabotaging her own entrance! But whatever.

Elizabeth can tell something’s up with Sam and he gets the feeling he can trust her (of course he does) so he tells her how everything seems familiar and it’s kind of freaking him out.

Lizzie is characteristically comforting, and the two of them walk along the pier toward the boat. A fisherman addresses Sam as if he knows him and Sam freaks again. Liz is like, chill, he just mistook you for somebody else. But who, Elizabeth?! WHO?

Sam dares sit on a bench that Lila wants to sit on so there’s a bit of a confrontation. Sam is unimpressed and tells Lila there’s no such thing as Unicorns, which is pretty awesome. Overall though, the boat trip is kind of a bust for Sam, as he’s too depressed about recognizing everything to really connect with anyone.

On Monday night, Jessica ditches Elizabeth for one of their “No-Cooking Mondays” they gave Alice for Mother’s Day. Then she ditches her for the cleanup so she can watch a Kent Kellerman movie on TV about reincarnation.

Jess calls Lila at the commercial break (I miss doing stuff like this!) and Lila says:

“For your information, I’m almost positive I was Cleopatra in my past life.”

Jessica let out a loud laugh. “Right, Lila. You have so much in common with her.”

“I’m totally serious,” Lila said. “But I don’t blame you for laughing. You wouldn’t understand.”

“What?” Jessica glared at the telephone. “What wouldn’t I under—“

“Oh, the commercials are over,” Lila cut in. “See you tomorrow.”

Click.

Jessica is ticked off that Lila is pulling her snob routine with her, of all people, and Steven suggests that Jessica do something to get even with her. The wheels in Jessica’s psychopathic little brain start turning!

The next day, the twins throw a pool party. Of course they do. Far be it for a single volume in the Sweet Valley franchise to not include a pool party! I might just hate entertaining (I do hate entertaining, by the way) but I personally feel that there shouldn’t be any pool parties in Super Chillers!

Everyone’s talking about reincarnation because everyone watched the Kent Kellerman movie the night before. Elizabeth doesn’t believe in reincarnation but says she hopes she was Florence Nightengale. Jessica doesn’t even know who that is. Come ON. For the second time, Lila weirdly makes fun of Elizabeth for…being nice. OK. Sam tells Elizabeth that he’s starting to think he is reincarnated from someone who lived in Sweet Valley before. She takes his thoughts on the matter seriously, because of that whole “nice” thing. Sam then wins over the Sweet Valley kids by showing off his talent for juggling. (He juggles a ball, a jar of mustard, and one of Ellen Riteman’s purple sneakers.) Apparently he had a unit on juggling in his San Francisco gym class. Huh? Well, it’s better than dodgeball.

Jessica decides she does want to play a trick on Lila, so she combs through her parents’ book on the history of the town and picks someone out from a section called “Notorious Women of Sweet Valley.” Something tells me you will be included in a future edition, Jess! She gets Elizabeth to agree to go along with her plan and then ditches her AGAIN when the pool party is over and it’s clean-up time.

That night, Jess pretends to be having a nightmare in her sleep. She starts yelling about people trying to steal her gold and says her name is Lillian Barnes. Lila freaks out and Elizabeth tells her that Jessica does this sometimes and it’s really weird. When she “wakes up” she and Lila look up Lillian in the Sweet Valley history book, and Lila deduces that Jessica was Lillian Barnes in a past life—and that she might know, somewhere in the deep recesses of her twisted little mind, where Lillian’s gold is! Trust Lila to figure out how to financially benefit from all of this.

The next day, Elizabeth and Jessica accompany Sam to the old house. They knock on a few neighbors’ doors and learn that it belonged to Jeremiah Seever, a mean old man who never wanted to spend any money and let his house become a total shithole. Jeremiah lived there until he died a few months ago. I’m sure I didn’t think about his Jeremiah’s neighbors’ property values during my first read of this, but you can be sure I did this time!

Chapter 7: Sam finally goes to the freaking graveyard. Took ya long enough! Doesn’t he know this book is called The Ghost in the Graveyard? God.

By the way, the graveyard is called Whyte Memorial Cemetery. Whyte was the last name of the family who lived at the haunted inn in The Ghost in the Bell Tower! Also, Lillian is the name of the girl who died in The Curse of the Ruby Necklace. So much crossover! Or unoriginality. Or coincidence. Who knows? (These are my other 2 favorite Chillers, by the way.)

A caretaker accosts Sam immediately. He calls him “boy” and demands to know if he has a can of spray paint. Sam tells him he’s just looking for his biological parents’ graves. This dude points him in the right direction and says not to be afraid, because sometimes dead people are a lot friendlier than the living. What a weirdo.

Sam finds his biological parent’s graves, as well as some other people with the same last name (Burroughs) in the area.

Barbara Randolph Burroughs. Harriet Burroughs. Zena Smithers Burroughs. For the first time Sam realized he used to have a lot of relatives and that they had all lived right here in Sweet Valley. He felt happy, alone, and confused all at once.

There was one more grave with the name Burroughs. Sam could make out the name Michael Burroughs in the dim light. He studied the marker, which was inscribed with the year of Michael’s birth and death. Michael Burroughs had died thirty years ago. He’d been just a kid when he died—only eleven years old. That was Sam’s age also. He wondered about Michael Burroughs. What did he look like? When was his birthday? Was he good at sports?

Was he good at sports?! THAT’S what you wonder? Also, why isn’t his birthday listed there? I thought that was pretty standard.

Suddenly, Sam hears footsteps coming toward him.

Sam caught his breath and held it so long, he started to feel dizzy. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. A figure about his size was coming toward him. No! Sam told himself. It was too unbelieveable! It was a ghost! It was a ghost with Sam’s face!

Sam freaks and peaces out of the cemetery as fast as possible.

The next day, he finds Elizabeth at the library (she’s reading a book about reincarnation, by the way) and tells her what happened the night before. She’s skeptical about the ghost and Sam convinces her to go back to the graveyard with him the following night.  Since Lizzie wants to help, she agrees.

The library is freaking hopping in Sweet Valley, especially or spring break! The following day, Jessica and Lila also go there so that Lila can check out a book on hypnosis. She wants to hypnotize Jessica and see if they can discover where Lillian’s gold is hidden. Jessica plays along, saying she lives on McClarendon Street. A librarian kicks them out for being loud and they head over to the old mansion on their bikes, where Jessica pretends that she’s eerily drawn to the place. She does for real get the creeps just being there though and is all too happy to remind Lila that they have to meet the other Unicorns at Casey’s Place so they can’t stay.

And good thing they didn’t, because Li has a fantastic story to tell at Casey’s Place.

Lila smiled mysteriously. “It was last summer, when my father and I were vacationing in Milan. That’s in Italy.”

Thanks, Lila. I’ll have you know I have been to Milan TWICE, thank you, although neither time was before the age of 12. Lila goes on to tell a story about a ghost in the villa they rented, the ghost of a man who killed everyone who stayed in her room. How did she manage to escape his wrath?!

“I had the servants move my things into another bedroom, of course,” Lila said. “The villa had twenty-three bedrooms, so there was no reason to stay there.”

That night, Elizabeth fills Jessica in on the latest developments in the Saga of Sam Sloane.  Jess agrees to tag along for their graveyard trip that night, but she’s not thrilled about it—especially after Steven tells them some spooky stories to try to scare them.

“Jessica, are you coming?” Elizabeth called impatiently from downstairs.

“I’m coming, Lizzie!” Jessica took a deep breath and left the room. “There’s no such thing as ghosts,” she muttered under her breath as she raced down the stairs, but it didn’t make her feel better. What had she let Elizabeth talk her into?

Surprisingly, there’s a lot of important detail in this book! Tune in next week for Part 2 of this recap!

SVT #35: Amy’s Pen Pal

OK guys. I’m going to try to make this one quick because 1) I’m tired and 2) It just wasn’t very good. This is one of those books where pretty much the same thing happens over and over until we get to the end.

Let’s look at the cover. Amy is happily greeting a miserable looking redhead who’s wearing a pretty sweet denim jacket. That’s Samantha Williams…Amy’s pen pal. By the way, is it my imagination or is Amy wearing a very light purple T-shirt? Is she trying to be mistaken for a Unicorn? Anyway, Sam is from San Francisco and she shows up at Amy’s doorstep saying she wrote her a letter saying she was coming and it must have gotten lost in the mail. We’re told she has curly red hair. I check the cover and think to myself for the millionth time how annoying it is that they couldn’t get these details right. It happens with multiple books. (I obviously don’t blame artist James Mathewuse, he’s a genius.)

Full disclosure: there’s a few useless scenes in the beginning of the book where Elizabeth is helping Amy clean her room and they’re talking about how Amy hasn’t gotten a letter from Sam in a long time. And then like five minutes after Elizabeth leaves, Sam shows up. Crazy!

Amy’s parents are both career people (haven’t you heard of Dyan Sutton, the famous local sportscaster?) and we’re given the impression that they’re also sort of negligent because of this, which I kind of resent. Who are you to make such leaps, ghostie? This book was published in 1990, and I’m guessing that the resulting decade hit you pretty hard!

Neither of Amy’s parents give much thought to Sam’s story: her parents have gone camping and won’t have access to a phone. Also they were fine with her, age 12, taking a bus by herself from San Francisco (which is in Northern California) to Sweet Valley (which is in Southern California) to meet someone she’s been exchanging letters with but doesn’t actually know. And they didn’t call Amy’s parents first. HMMM. Both of them are like, well that seems odd but we’re tired and busy so like, don’t get in any trouble!

Before I go any further, allow me to introduce the B plot: high school radio show deejay Dave Carlquist is all the rage these days and he’s planning a live broadcast from the Valley Mall. Everyone is excited, even Elizabeth (that seems like the kind of mainstream thing Elizabeth would be “meh” about, but OK). Dave is having a contest to name his radio show (or re-name, I guess…I mean, it must be called something—honestly I don’t have the inclination to go back and make sense of this. There’s like a 7/10 chance it’s not explained, anyway). Kids were invited to submit ideas, and the winning entrant will be gifted a party for their friends at Jupiter, a supercool preteen/teenage dance place. Jessica’s submitted 10 ideas. It appears she’s most proud of Teen Talk. Sounds like a call center for troubled youths, man. Or a late-night news program on Nickelodeon for the kids who are aging out of the channel.

At one point, Jess goes to the mall with her mom in the hopes of meeting Dave Carlquist. Steven is helping out with the broadcast, so she has an in! Unfortunately, the only person she meets is a nerdy looking dude Steven calls Buddy. Buddy is really nice to Jessica but Jess is dismissive. This happens a few times throughout the book. I’m sure you know where it’s going.

OK, back to the A plot. First on the agenda for Sam’s visit is a party at Lila’s house. What a lucky bitch.

Then, something strange happens. Once at the party, Sam doesn’t end up hanging out with Amy and Elizabeth. She hits it off with the Unicorns! Well, all except Jessica, who thinks Sam is a tryhard and an attention hog. You’re not wrong, Jess. But look in a mirror.

Sam regales the Unicorns with fantastic tales of her life in San Francisco. I actually LOVE San Francisco, so I can totally see this happening. The Unicorns eat it up and Sam loves it. She even stays behind when Amy is ready to go home, even though she can see that the Unicorns are kind of rude to Amy. Not nice, Sam!

The next day, the Wakefields are getting ready for the barbecue they’re having the following afternoon.

 Doesn’t anyone in this town do anything but have tame parties?! God.

We’re treated to barf-worthy scene of domestic bliss when Steven wants to eat one of Alice’s apple pies and Ned promises to protect her pies at all costs.  That Alice! How does she manage to work part-time as an interior decorator and bake multiple pies and have barbecues? She’s like super woman!

Lila calls Jessica in the morning and says she’s thinking about nominating Sam for honorary membership in the Unicorn Club. Jessica hates the idea but she doesn’t want to look jealous so she doesn’t say much.

That afternoon, Jess meets the other Unicorns and Sam—and Amy, who basically felt like she had to come along—at the Dairi Burger. Everyone’s nice to Sam and rude to Amy. Sam starts telling tall tales again, like that her parents have a house in Hawaii. When she doesn’t know that Hawaii is made up of six islands, nobody but Jessica and Amy think it’s strange.

When Janet Howell mentioned that she was going to represent Sweet Valley in the district spelling bee, Sam said she had represented her school at a spelling bee in San Francisco. Yet Jessica distinctly remembered Sam laughing the night before about what a bad speller she was.

Hold up. JANET HOWELL is a spelling bee champ? And I’m supposed to think the Sam stuff is the weird part of this information?!

After the girls had finished their hamburgers, fries, and shakes, Lila leaned back in her chair and said, “Look, girls, Sam is wearing a purple T-shirt.”

Sam looked down at her striped shirt. “Is there something wrong with it?” she asked worriedly.

The girls giggled. “No,” Lila answered. “It’s just that purple is the Unicorns’ special color. We all try to wear something purple every day.”

Sam looked closely at the girls. Sure enough, Lila had on a purple scarf, Janet’s socks were lilac, and Jessica wore a necklace with a small violet charm hanging from it. Sam laughed. “You all do have something purple on.”

I always thought that having to tailor my outfit to incorporate purple would be a total pain in the ass, what say you? I mean, it’s not like purple goes with everything. I think, if I started a club that had a club color, it would be some kind of neutral.

When Sam is told the Unicorns want her to be an honorary member, she’s thrilled. It’s the biggest thrill of her life! Mind you, this girl is supposed to have a house in Hawaii and be dating a movie star’s son, among other things.

They decide to have an induction ceremony at Jessica’s barbecue the next day. LOL. I’m sure Alice and Ned’s friends would get a kick out that. A bunch of self-important middle schoolers bestowing the honor of their approval onto a girl so clearly afflicted with low self-esteem. For the second time in a matter of pages, I wanna barf.

Before the Dairi Burger hang is over, the girls discuss the upcoming Dave Carlquist live broadcast that Monday night, and Sam claims she’s a deejay at her school radio station.

The next afternoon, Jessica complains to Elizabeth about Sam, and Elizabeth admits that she’s also not a huge fan because of how she’s been treating Amy.

Then Jessica remembers—she recently read an interview in a magazine with Glinda Paris, the movie star whose son Sam claims to date. And in the interview, Glinda said she had one son who was a rather young age. Jessica digs up the interview, and sure enough, Glinda’s son is 9 years old. Sam is caught lying. As the barbecue begins, Jessica brings her evidence to the Unicorns and they all agree that Sam has probably been lying to them. They decide to invent a story and see if Sam goes along with it—that’s how they’ll know for sure. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happens. They talk about some accident singer Melody Power had in San Francisco while filming a movie and Sam confirms there were cameras everywhere and it was a scene, and OMG she actually just happened to be like, around, and she MET Melody Power. She falls for it completely.

The Unicorns feel like idiots for believing her and are determined to do something about it. Lila feels especially stupid since she’s the one who put Sam up for honorary membership. They beg off the induction ceremony and say they’re not done planning.

That night, they all call Sam (although Sam thinks she’s only talking to Lila, ugh, middle school was the worst, wasn’t it?) and tell her that first, she has to do initiation. So they are going to arrange for her to be on Dave Carlquist’s live broadcast. They say it should be a piece of cake for her, considering she’s a deejay too and everything.

Sam is clearly nervous but accepts.

The Unicorns’ plan is basically to tell Sam to approach Dave Carlquist and then when he’s like, “Who are you, get out of here?” They’ll laugh.

Jessica tells Elizabeth about the plan and Elizabeth thinks it’s mean but agrees to stay quiet, again because Sam has been a bitch to Amy.

Monday: finally, Amy’s mom starts to press Sam about her plans for going back home. Sam is evasive and becoming increasingly frantic. She’s determined not to go back to San Francisco, so if she leaves Sweet Valley she’ll have to go anywhere else.

Sam leaves for the mall early with the Unicorns and Amy stays behind to wait for Elizabeth so they can head over together. While Sam’s gone, Dyan asks Amy for Sam’s home phone number. Dyan Sutton has plans to make, guys. She can’t wait for Sam to decide when to tell her things. She calls Sam’s parents to inquire about her travel arrangements and discovers the shocking truth—Sam has run away from home! Her parents had no idea where she was and they have been frantic. They’re getting on a plane right now to retrieve Sam, and they will be at the Suttons’ house by the time Sam and Amy return from the live radio broadcast event of a lifetime.

Dyan tells Amy and Elizabeth not to mention anything to Sam, because they don’t want her taking off again.

Oh, Elizabeth told Amy about the Unicorns’ plan, and Amy didn’t have the same crisis of conscience. However, once she learns that Sam is a runaway she feels bad. They girls ask for Steven’s help sabotaging, since he has an in with Dave Carlquist. Steven agrees to mention it to Dave. His BUDDY, Dave Carlquist.

The Unicorns tell Sam she’s supposed to go up to the deejay booth at the beginning of Dave’s second song, and they’re enjoying watching her sweat. While they’re waiting, Jessica learns that Buddy, the guy she’s basically been shooing away for days, is actually Dave Carlquist—the guy she was trying to “run into” the whole time. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE NICE TO PEOPLE, JESSICA? IT’S EASIER.

Anyway. She doesn’t have time to wallow much because suddenly, the unthinkable is happening. Dave Carlquist is ASKING for Sam to come up to the deejay booth for an interview! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Dave announces that Sam is a first-time visitor to Sweet Valley and he’s eager to get her thoughts on what she thinks of his fine town. Sam is nervous but Dave puts her at ease and she ends up being quite charming.

Dave looked at her like he was expecting more, so she added, “The weather is beautiful.”

Dave laughed. “That’s what we’re known for. I guess it’s a little different up in San Francisco.”

“It sure is. It can get really cold.” Sam decided to attempt a little joke. “As a matter of fact, some people say the coldest winter they ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.”

Hey, that’s pretty good, Sam!

After the interview, Sam learns that the Unicorns did NOT arrange it and that they’re pissed about all of her lies. She barely tries to explain herself before running off into the crowd. She knows Amy and Elizabeth must have set it up and eventually the three girls straighten things out.

Elizabeth ends up winning the naming contest: The Awesome Hour. Well, it’s better than Teen Talk. Actually I don’t think it’s that bad, it has a nice ring to it. She says she’s going to host the party with Jessica. So Jessica wins, again.

Amy’s mom picks them up and says nothing about Sam’s parents until they are back at the house, just before they go inside.

Sam faces her parents and they have a whole scene that’s pretty much exactly like you think it is. EXCEPT we learn that Sam has a sick younger sister called Emily who has been in the hospital and Sam was feeling neglected so she ran away.

Hold on. Sam never mentioned this to Amy in any of her letters? What the fuck did these two even talk about? Johnny Buck? Hindenburg? Einstein’s theory of relativity?

Anyway. Emily’s doing better now and even gets to come home from the hospital. We’re never told what’s wrong with her. Sam goes home with her parents. OOOOOOOK.

The last few pages of the book are dedicated to setting up the next one, No. 36: Mary Is Missing. ANOTHER runaway book?! We just had one! Jeez, was there some kind of trend they were trying to capitalize on at the time?

SVT Super Edition #8: Jessica’s First Kiss

Alright, guys. I’m doing something I haven’t done before: recapping as I read. I’ve never read this one before (it was published in 1997 and I guess I thought I was too old for Sweet Valley Twins by then—thank god I know better now!) To be honest, so far this book is kinda boring, as far as things happening.

Let’s look at the cover. We have Elizabeth and Jessica, fairly certain Elizabeth is the one on the left, thriving in the wilderness. (Even though she left her barrettes at home!) Arms wrapped possessively around her is her “sort-of boyfriend” Todd Wilkins. The twin with sticks and dirt in her hair is Jessica, and I assume the dude next to her is Dennis Asher, a seventh-grader new to Sweet Valley. I don’t know why looks so angry. Maybe because someone just told him that each grade at Sweet Valley Middle School lasts for 30 years.

Of course, the description on the back cover indicates a possible twin switch, so I could be wrong. There’s at least a pretend twin switch. The premise is that Jess has set her sights on Dennis but she thinks she has no chance with him because she is a total mess in the outdoors and the entire middle school is on some week-long campout at a place called Bannerman Estate. There, the students are supposed to learn…I’m not quite sure. If it’s coping skills, everyone fails.

We open with Elizabeth writing a terrible poem in her room about the upcoming trip. Really, it’s bad. I know she’s 12 but I thought she was way better than this. She’s making rhymes that a 7-year-old could manage. And she’s gushing about maybe finding alone time with Todd to hold hands and she calls him “this handsome guy.”

I shouldn’t really make fun of Elizabeth for this, I say some pretty outrageously corny shit to my boyfriend with 100% seriousness. But what kind of recapper would I be if I didn’t roll my eyes?

Lila and Jessica come bursting into Elizabeth’s room and reveal they have their own ideas about what the trip will be like. Lila thinks that because it’s at a place called an “estate,” they will be living the luxe life the whole time. Elizabeth bursts their bubble with a packet of information about the trip the school sent home.

Listen, I get that Lila and Jessica are Unicorns but surely they aren’t this stupid. Surely they HAVE EARS and have heard that they will be CAMPING.

Nevertheless! They are crushed and begin hating on Elizabeth pretty much immediately. Jessica even snaps up her poem and does a dramatic reading of it and Liz is all embarrassed. Her embarrassment is pretty much the only thing that makes sense in this book.

OK, the bus ride to Bannerman Estate. Apparently there is no organization, as eighth-grader and Unicorn president Janet Howell is on the same bus with Lila, Jessica, Elizabeth, Amy, Todd, and Aaron, who are all sixth-graders. There are also some seventh-graders mixed in.

All the Unicorns are griping about the trip. Elizabeth is actually really fucking annoying. She’s leading sing-a-longs of Old MacDonald Had a Farm and the like. It’s truly awful. Janet wants Jessica to make Elizabeth shut up but Jess is unsuccessful, putting her on semi-outs with the rest of the club. Jessica’s disdain for Elizabeth deepens.

At some point, Jessica tries to talk to HER “sort-of-boyfriend,” Aaron. She figures that some alone time with him will be the only thing that can salvage the trip. She approaches him on the bus and he acts aloof, won’t stop talking about bears. Aaron’s entire personality in this book is that he’s obsessed with bears. He also thinks a bunch of misogynistic nonsense like “no self-respecting guy would ever want to get married.” Same goes for the ladies, bucko!

Alright, we get to Bannerman. Predictably, Elizabeth is swept away by the beauty and romance of the place while Jessica is swatting away mosquitos.

Listen, I’m just going to come out and say it. This is one of those books where I (at least so far) am completely sympathetic to Jessica. Some of us were not made for camping. Some of us have blood that smells like an all-you-can-eat buffet of Red Lobster and Cracker Barrel biscuits and red wine to bugs that bite. Some of us JUST CAN’T STOP SWEATING. So while all of you nature lovers are frolicking around with your unappealing blood and your armpits that don’t stink and your dry faces, WE ARE SUFFERING. You are not better than we are. You are just luckier.

There’s a boys’ camp and a girls’ camp for overnights. Over in the girls’ camp, Jessica shares a tent with the other Unicorns, who are all crying about the lack of hairdryers and cable TV and the rocks and tree roots in their backs. In the boys’ camp, Aaron Dallas decides to play a trick on everyone, pretending he sees a bear, sending everyone into hysterics and causing Bruce Patman to cut through the top of their tent with a Swiss Army knife. Sounds safe. Aaron Dallas reveals a new and I believe temporary psycho side to himself.

It worked, Aaron told himself, a small grin breaking out on his face. Sticking his head out through the ruined remains of the canopy, he stared out at the scene. There were kids sobbing, kids screaming, kids running in circles. Kids clutching backpacks and heavy jackets, kids shivering in underpants and bare feet. Kids looking around nervously, hoping that the bear wasn’t coming at them from behind.

It was a truly awesome sight. Aaron couldn’t help himself. The small grin became a big grin, and the big grin became a laugh, and—quickly he ducked back into the tent.

OK so. Idk maybe I would have read this differently prior to school and mass shootings becoming an epidemic in my broken country (and again, this book was published in 1997, just two years before Columbine and 20 years before I became a parent and a nervous wreck about absolutely everything) but this really didn’t sit well with me.

Nor does it sit well with Dennis Asher, who calls Aaron out for loving the chaos and accusing him of being the boy who cried bear. I like this Dennis dude so far. Way better than Cookman.

Confusingly, the girls’ camp seems to be too far away from the boys’ camp for them to hear the ruckus—but not so far that they can’t hear Charlie Cashman honking his trumpet early the next morning to wake everyone up—this is something faculty apparently requested that he do. I can only assume that this was to absolve themselves of literally all responsibility. I haven’t heard one word about ANY TEACHER being present at the campsites, not even Mr. Bowman.

The Unicorns can’t muster the will to live and sleep through breakfast, as well as an assembly, both of which ELIZABETH enjoys IMMENSELY. She lets them know how wonderful everything was and they are all like, fucking fuck the fuck off, Elizabeth. Frankly, so am I.

Chapter 6. That’s right, CHAPTER 6. You see how pretty much nothing has happened? We could have set this all up in 2 chapters, 3 MAX, ghostie. Elizabeth and Todd shyly talk about what to do with their alone time. It’s pretty cute, except that they keep saying “like” for every other word—this is something that I noticed happens in the later books. It’s irritating. Eventually, they go on a hike and split a four-leaf clover in half. Their fingers touch in the process. Barf.

Jessica talks to Aaron again and he AGAIN pretends there’s a bear nearby, sending her running and screaming off into the distance while he laughs. Jess decides she hates Aaron now. I don’t blame her. Just how many nature shows does one need to watch to turn them from a sweet kid who asks a girl out on a date with his parents as chaperones to THIS?

Whilst running for her life in vain, Jessica catches a glimpse of a shirtless Dennis Asher jumping into the lake and is reminded how cute he is. She also recalls how Aaron said Dennis called him on his BS, and since she hates Aaron now, Dennis is even more appealing. Unfortunately, Jessica is not at her top form. She’s disgusting. She’s muddy, she smells like sweat and sulfur. She’s not feeling up to making a play for Dennis Asher.

That night at a campfire, Jessica continues to be Jessica and Elizabeth continues to be Elizabeth. It takes a whole chapter.

Winston Egbert tells a story about the twins who used to live at Bannerman Estate. I’m pretty sure there were no actual twins, but to be honest I am kind of skimming. He says the twins wanted to marry the same guy and the guy didn’t much care who he married because he couldn’t tell them apart anyway.

Sounds like a real catch.

So he tells the twins to decide between themselves who he will marry and then that one should let him know, and the next day will be their wedding. Um, OK.

One twin kills the other and then assumes her identity and marries the guy who didn’t care who he married in the first place.

Surely I must have missed something but guys…we’re about halfway through this book and JUST NOW the actual plot is starting to kick in.

Winston’s story gives Jessica the idea to pull the twin switch so she can look more appealing to Dennis—but she isn’t going to tell Elizabeth about it. This is the worst idea since their April Fool’s joke.

The next day, Jessica puts her plan into action. Everyone has to sign up for an activity every day (activities range from things that sort of make sense, like history lessons and archeological digs, to things that don’t, like volleyball). Jess waits by the signup boards for Dennis to show up so she can sign up for whatever he does. He goes for canoeing, as volleyball is all full. Jess grabs the pen and writes…Elizabeth Wakefield.

That afternoon, the real Elizabeth is in a macramé class with Todd (LOL) and Maria Slater is like oh weird, I thought you signed up for canoeing. And Elizabeth is like yeah, no, weird. I’m all about macramé with my sort-of boyfriend, so you know…no lake for me.

Meanwhile, Jessica shows up at canoeing looking like her usual mess of herself. She introduces herself to Dennis as Elizabeth and tells him that her sister, Jessica, like, totally has a crush on him and he should be flattered because she’s lots prettier and cleaner than she is. I’m not kidding. Then she says she wants Dennis to be aware but warns him not to come on too strong because Jessica scares off easily. She wants him to wait until they get back to school to approach Jessica. I don’t even know whether I should put that in quotes. I guess not? It is Jessica that Jessica wants Dennis to approach. It’s just that for the time being she wants him to think Elizabeth is Jessica. She also says that if Dennis calls Elizabeth—who he thinks is Jessica—Jessica—that she will swear up and down she’s Elizabeth because that’s her “sense of humor.” Alrighty.

Dennis comes off like an ass. Erase everything I previously thought about him based on how he called out Aaron Dallas. Dennis says LOTS of girls had crushes on him at his old school. Then he agrees to the plan and says,

“If she’s really cleaner and prettier than you, maybe it’ll even be worth it.”

WTF?

Later, Amy notices Dennis staring at Elizabeth and alerts her. Elizabeth is confused because she doesn’t know anything about Dennis except his name. Um. So…if you knew more about him you would be fine with him staring at you? OK. Sweet Valley Middle School social norms are weird.

Dennis introduces himself to Elizabeth, calls her Jessica, and peaces out before she can correct him.

The next day, Jessica pulls more tricks at the sign-up boards, which land Todd and herself in “orienteering” and Elizabeth—the real Elizabeth—and Dennis in tennis.

I have to take a moment to mention that Jessica calls Todd “Toddster” before dragging him off to orienteering to get him away from Elizabeth. They act too lovey-dovey around each other and she can’t risk Dennis seeing that.

Orienteering, for those of you like me who had no idea, is finding your way out of the woods with a compass and a map.

During tennis, Dennis tries to get to know “Jessica” more and Elizabeth tries to convince him she’s Elizabeth.

I can’t imagine ghosting one of these twin switch books, you guys. It’s incredibly confusing.

At a campfire that evening, Jessica has to explain who Todd is since Elizabeth is practically sitting in his lap and he thinks Elizabeth is Jessica and Jessica has a crush on him. She says Todd is HER “sort-of boyfriend” and he likes to try to make Jessica jealous. Dennis buys it and doesn’t find it disturbing at all.

K.

Later that night, Jessica sabotages Elizabeth’s romantic walk in the woods with Todd and Elizabeth asks her if she’s doing all this weird stuff because she wants Todd for herself. For once, Jessica can tell the truth and be like, hell to the no.

Much of the rest of the book plays out like a catchy-but-annoying song on repeat. The Unicorns hate camping, they try a million different ways to get sent home, from Lila shouting “don’t you know who I am?!” at the camp director to faking sick, to breaking the rules. Nothing works and eventually they try (several times) to run away.

Eventually, Elizabeth figures out what Jessica did and clues Todd in, then she weirdly plays along as an attempt at retaliation. Makes no sense, really. At one point she becomes sort of forward, which throws Dennis (and me) for a bit of a loop. Aaron (who has continued to be obsessed with bears and scaring people with fake bear threats) sees all of this goes down but he thinks Elizabeth is Jessica because he hears Dennis calling her that. Aaron starts to get jealous and regrets tricking Jessica earlier in the week. He also comes to regret being the boy who cried bear after he’s confronted by an ACTUAL bear and forced to spend the night in a tree. Everyone heard his cries for help but nobody came because they didn’t believe him. Really, though? Not even a teacher or a Bannerman Estate staffer felt a responsibility to check this out?

A day or 2 before camp is over, Jessica actually does get sick and gets sent home, much to her delight. Once she recovers and is beautiful again, she tries talking to Dennis but he mentions a bunch of stuff she has no idea about and she’s horrible at recovering. Then he brandishes half a maple leaf Elizabeth-as-Jessica gave him and when she’s clueless and can’t show him her own half, he “knows” she’s lying about being Jessica. This was Elizabeth’s grand plan. Har har.

Dennis then approaches Elizabeth with the maple leaf and she I guess pretends she doesn’t know what he’s talking about either, to get rid of him.

When Elizabeth hadn’t shown Dennis the proper password or whatever it was about that stupid leaf, Dennis had gotten mad and sworn off the Wakefields forever.

LOL. Smart move, Dennis.

Jessica is sulking at home alone when the doorbell rings. Guess who?!

Aaron has come to apologize for being a dick!

“So I just wanted to know,” Aaron went on, “if it was, like, all over between us. If you and Dennis are sort of together. Because if you are—” His eyes traveled to meet Jessica’s. “Then I’ll leave you alone. It’s not like I treated you great or anything, I know. But if you think you might want to be my sort-of girlfriend again, then…” He swallowed hard. “Then I have a different idea,” he said in a strangled voice.

Jessica could have laughed out loud. So Elizabeth hanging all over Dennis had done some good after all! She stared at Aaron. Suddenly she remembered all his good qualities. All the things that had attracted her to him to begin with. His sense of humor, and the way that he’d sometimes do nice things for her, and his good looks, especially now that he had taken a shower, and the fun times they’d had…

“Sure,” she said, trying not to sound too eager. “Dennis is a nice guy, but I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

Aaron breathed a sigh of relief.

“So what exactly did you have in mind?” Jessica asked.

“Just—this.” Aaron stood and walked quickly to Jessica’s side. Jessica watched his face come closer and closer to her own until his lips met hers.

And then she realized that we was kissing her.

With her free hand, she encircled his neck and pulled him closer. My first kiss! She thought.

It’s really pretty sweet, isn’t it? On the very last page of a 183-page book called Jessica’s First Kiss, Jessica gets her first kiss.

I have one last gripe: in the early books, the terms “sort-of boyfriend” and “sort-of girlfriend” were commonly used in the narrative, but not by the actual characters themselves. It really bothered me to hear Aaron et al using these terms.

Oh and I guess, on second thought, looking at the cover, Dennis is the one with his arm around Elizabeth and Todd is the one next to dirty Jessica looking mad about it.

OH! And lest I forget: “cell phone” is mentioned in this book! It might be the first cell phone mention we get in a Twins book, I’m not really sure. Again, this was published in 1997. I’ll keep an eye out for other mentions in the later books! (But I much prefer re-reading the old ones, so it might be some time before I spot another.)

Cell phone mention: page 152, by Kimberly Haver.

“Look.” Janet’s eyes glittered. “It can’t be that hard. It’s not like they have an electric fence around the estate. And there are roads all over the place. I mean, this is California. Three hundred million people live here, right? How far before we get to a police station or a kind lady?”

“Or a trucker with a cell phone?” Kimberly put in.

“Or a shower?” Janet finished.

I would really enjoy a Super Edition about the Unicorns hitchhiking, getting picked up by a psycho, and then being so annoying that the psycho just gives them their car and a bunch of money to go away, and then they have a totally excellent adventure. Can I write that book?

SVH #40: On the Edge

OK, guys. If you have been reading my recaps for a little while, you know that Sweet Valley Twins is my ultimate fave, but recently, I decided to start reading and recapping some more Sweet Valley High. And wow—it is way more dramatic than I remembered! Someone has been in serious turmoil in every book I’ve picked up. None perhaps moreso than Regina Morrow in today’s selection, On the Edge.

Let’s check out the cover. There’s Regina, gazing at what appears to be an 8 x 10 headshot of Bruce Patman. Bruce totally would have headshots. As a sometimes-model, I’d like to think Regina is silently criticizing Bruce’s attempt at glamour, but alas, she’s simply brokenhearted. She and Bruce have been dating for a long time now. She is credited with changing his dipshit ways! But recently, old Bruce has started to revert to…old Bruce. And he and Regina have been drifting apart.

Love that avocado dresser, by the way. And whatever that pink blob is on top. A phone? I need to know. Tell me your thoughts.

The book opens with Jessica admiring herself in the full-length mirror in the locker room. If you’re already nauseated, sorry—it gets worse. Amy Sutton bursts in and immediately starts bragging about how in love Bruce is with her. How obvious it is. How he’s going to dump Regina for her. How they are basically star-crossed lovers, brought together by fate…or in this case, a health class project. Bruce and Regina have been working on some kind of report about the “underground” drug scene in Sweet Valley. Which…sounds kinda dangerous for a couple of well-to-do white kids?

Jessica is skeptical until Maria Santelli, a sane member of the cheerleading squad, confirms that Bruce does seem to be super into Amy. When she goes home, she tells Elizabeth what Amy is saying. Liz is furious at her ex-bestie. Jessica is just glad that something interesting is going on.

Chapter 2: Amy and Bruce are working on their project at the Patmans’ “sprawling” estate. And Amy is laying it on thick.

“I love this place,” she gushed, putting her hand closer to his on the table. “Bruce, it’s so much fun working together on this project.” She looked meaningfully into his eyes. “Do you think it was fate that we were assigned to work together?”

The secondhand embarrassment I have right now is REAL, guys.

Bruce hilariously is like, um yeah, no, I think it was the seating chart. The pair have plans to meet with Amy’s cousin Mimi on Friday. Mimi is in college and for some reason knows all about the underground drug scene. Amy tells Bruce it’s the only night Mimi can meet up, when in actuality, she had to beg Mimi to meet them on a Friday night so that Bruce would be forced to cancel his plans with Regina.

Dirty.

Then Amy starts telling Bruce about a “dream” she had that they were working on their project and all of a sudden, he started kissing her. Bruce laps it up. He starts talking about how much fun he used to have “sharing the old Bruce magic with more than one girl.”

Barf!

Eventually, they make out a little and Amy pretends to be concerned about Regina’s feelings.

The next day at lunch, Amy brags to Jessica about the makeout sesh. Jessica lets Amy know that she and Liz are planning to have a barbeque on Saturday, and that Bruce, Regina, and Amy will be invited. Amy thinks this is a great idea, since it will force Bruce to see her next to Regina. Amy thinks she’s “lots prettier” than Regina and hilariously Jess is like, “Yeah…I don’t know about that.”

Across the cafeteria, Regina is chatting it up with Justin Belson, a “wrong-side-of-the-tracks” type who randomly approached her to shoot his shot. She’s confused but Justin is nice and they end up eating lunch together, though he declines to attend a basketball game with him. Jessica watches with interest and we learn that Justin hangs out with badseeds like Molly Hecht and Jan Brown, and he isn’t at all the type of person that Regina would normally hang around with.

Chapter 3 leads off with what I am reasonably sure is the one-and-only Tolstoy reference in Sweet Valley history. Jessica tells Elizabeth that having all members of the love triangle at their party will be great because happy couples are boring. To prove her point, she says a famous novel started out that way. Elizabeth corrects her.

“That was happy families, not happy couples. And Tolstoy didn’t say that they were boring, just that they were alike.”

Hot damn. Liz for academic bowl chairwoman.

Elizabeth wants to give Regina a heads up that Amy has been trying to sink her claws into Bruce, but Jessica freaks. If that happens, Amy will know Jessica’s been blabbing to Elizabeth. Lizzie makes no promises, but after discussing the dilemma with interim boyfriend Jeffrey French, decides to stay out of it.

Justin calls Regina’s house to ask her to the movies, but she’s going to the Wakefields’ barbecue. Regina’s older brother Nicholas, who isn’t even in high school, is for some reason aware that Justin Belson hangs out with a bad crowd and is on academic probation. Predictably, Regina is like, he’s perfectly nice, leave me the f alone. Then she calls him out for wearing an ascot on his date with Elizabeth. Just kidding, but god I wish that happened.

Chapter 4 is the beginning of the end: the twins’ barbecue. Things are off to a bad start before Regina and Bruce are even inside, bickering in the car about how he’s being distant and weird. They go in and Regina feels like everyone knows something she doesn’t, everyone is looking at her weird—and of course they do, and they are. Then Amy shows up and everything gets worse. (Bet that’s not the last time I’ll say that!)

But her thoughts were interrupted as she and the others watched Amy turn to look at Bruce, who was standing, absolutely frozen, by the barbecue. Their gazes locked and Amy smiled—a tiny, knowing smile that made Regina’s stomach feel suddenly queasy. It lasted only an instant—Amy standing in a pool of late afternoon sunlight, eyes wide, staring at Bruce and Bruce staring back at her.

Not long after, Bruce and Amy are making out behind a tree (yes, behind a tree…in Elizabeth and Jessica’s backyard) and Elizabeth attempts to distract Regina.

Now, hang on. Elizabeth and Regina are supposed to be friends. If I caught one of my friends’ boyfriends making out with Amy Sutton at a party just a few yards away from my friend, I would tell my friend. Like, absolutely. This isn’t rumors. This isn’t a stupid mistake. This is right in Regina’s face, it’s awful. I DON’T GET YOU, ELIZABETH.

Of course, Regina finds out anyway and she freaks on Bruce and everyone at the party for making her feel like an idiot. She also tells off Elizabeth and demands Bruce’s car keys so she can drive herself home.

She calls Justin and they make plans to meet up the next day. The next morning, she lays in bed and thinks about how Amy isn’t really the problem—if it hadn’t been Amy, it would have been someone else, because BRUCE is the problem and their relationship had problems. Gotta hand it to Regina and ghostie for this take. Didn’t expect it.

Regina and Justin go to Kelly’s, Sweet Valley’s one and only seedy bar. Regina’s never been and Justin laughs, but ultimately he seems more of a down-on-his-luck kid than a bad kid. He tells Regina about his screwed up family life—his dad was murdered in an armed robbery at the liquor store he owned—and we learn about some other Sweet Valley students outside of the golden group Elizabeth and Jessica hang out with: Molly Hecht, Justin’s ex-girlfriend and best friend, and Jan Brown, Molly’s recent friend who is “part of the hardcore drug set.” Justin doesn’t approve of Molly hanging out with Jan. Basically Justin and Molly are both somewhat into drugs, but Justin fears Molly is getting in way too deep hanging out with Jan and her crowd.

Regina concludes that Justin is nice, if troubled, and wants to help him. She vows to be a good friend to him, and thinks they can help each other since they are both lonely.

At school on Monday, Molly barges in on Justin and Regina having lunch. She tells Justin that she’s having a party on Saturday and that “Buzz” might come.

Really, ghostie? Buzz?

Justin warns Molly not to let Buzz show up and Molly’s all like, yah, the thing about BUZZ is that ya never know what’s going to happen! Clearly Molly enjoys Justin worrying about her and that’s why she’s doing this, but that’s not the point. Anyway, Molly disengenuosly invites Regina to the party as well.

Meanwhile, Bruce and Amy are meeting with Amy’s cousin again for more drug information. Just what the fuck is this project, anyway? Mimi is naming drug dealers and shit, this should be info for the freaking police, not two random high school kids. Bruce and Amy could be trying to BUY drugs, under the guise of this school project. Jeez. What are they going to do? Put pictures of Buzz, Jan, Molly, and Justin on one of those three-sided poster boards and write their names with glitter gel pens? I really want to know what the end result of this project is.

Anyway, Mimi tells them that Buzz is the biggest cocaine dealer at her school and that he’s expected to show up at a party at “Margaret Hecht’s” on Saturday. She says if they know anyone who is planning to go they need to warn them against it, as BUZZ can be very persuasive about getting people to try bad things.

Bruce tries to warn Regina, and surprise—it doesn’t go over well.

How dare Bruce call up and act as if he had the right to protect her from getting hurt? He was the one who had hurt her in the first place. She was never going to forgive him for that—never. And she certainly wasn’t going to listen to his ridiculous advice!

On Saturday morning, Elizabeth, clued in by Jessica, also tries to warn Regina against the party. Regina basically hangs up on her. As the day goes on, however, her own doubts about the evening get stronger. She admits to herself that she isn’t sure she really wants to go.

Before she leaves her house, she decides to write a quick letter, which she drops in the mail on her way to meet Justin. WHO IS THE LETTER FOR? READ ON TO FIND OUT.

Regina and Justin stop for a soda at Casey’s place before heading to Molly’s and she confides her fears. He is basically understanding but tells her he doesn’t think she has anything to worry about—for some reason he thinks it’s unlikely BUZZ is going to show up, anyway, and if he does, Regina just has to ignore him. But Justin is definitely going to the party so he can keep an eye on Molly.

Over on Calico Drive, Elizabeth is freaking out about Regina and the party while Jessica is spraying her hair red with some kind of toxic 80s hairspray. The twins and some other people have been invited to Lila’s to watch “rented movies” on her movie-screen-size television.

Liz decides to call Nicholas and tell him about Regina’s plans for the evening. He immediately decides to drop everything, go to Molly’s house and haul Regina home, kicking and screaming. But first, he can’t find his car keys. Or his wallet. He decides to forget about the wallet and takes off. Then he can’t find the street where Elizabeth said Molly lives. So he stops to ask for directions. Then he gets pulled over for speeding. And he’s like, Jesus Christ, you cops are on me about freaking SPEEDING when there is a DANGEROUS DRUG DEALER named BUZZ barely MILES away?! The cops decide Nicholas should come to the police station to tell them all about the danger he thinks his sister is in.

And so, things carry on at Molly’s house. Jan Brown is a total bitch, making fun of Regina for being rich and saying that she hears she doesn’t even drink and all she does and sit around and study. Justin is off dancing with Molly. Wtf Justin? Also, wtf is with these high school parties? Not to brag, but I went to a ton of parties in high school and I don’t ever recall dancing at them—at least not in a, “may I have this dance” sort of way. Were we partying wrong or are these Sweet Valley kids just weird? I know the twins’ parties have dancing but I did not expect such things at Molly’s party. Will she ask BUZZ to dance?

Regina is about to ask Justin how much longer he wants to stay when Molly screams for everyone to SHUT UP because BUZZ has arrived! I have no idea why BUZZ needs silence, but OK. We’re told he’s a “thin, scraggly guy” who yells, “Let’s party!” when he enters the house.

Meanwhile, Nicholas has finally convinced the cops that they are needed at Molly’s house. He tells them she lives on Redwood Drive and one of them says, “Let’s get over to this place on Los Brisos and see what’s going on.” Huh?

Regina decided to drink a few beers even though she doesn’t like the taste (same here, Regina) just so she doesn’t draw more attention to herself. She’s feeling light-headed and wobbly. She walks in on Jan, Molly, and some other people smoking weed and while they’re being rude to her again, Molly’s freshman brother Ty comes in and says BUZZ is bringing THE STUFF and they better come out and get it now. Molly and Jan bolt to the living room.

Regina is trying to leave but Justin tells her he wants to stick around while Buzz is there.

“I don’t want to leave Molly here as long as Buzz is around. I don’t trust him. Cocaine is one thing—I know she can handle that. But he’s been trying to get her to do heroin, and I’m afraid if I leave her, she might give in. I can’t stand to see that happen to her.”

He gets Regina to agree to wait another half an hour and then he’ll take her home.

As Buzz starts cutting lines of coke on the coffee table, Regina asks what’s going on and everyone laughs at her for not knowing. Then she asks what it does to you and everyone sings its praises. Jan tells BUZZ not to waste any coke on Regina because all she’s good for is stealing boyfriends. It’s like the 12th time she’s said something similar because she’s super bent out of shape about Justin not dating Molly and hanging out with Regina, even though it seems Justin and Molly broke up a long time ago.

A shocked silence fell on the group, and everyone looked at Regina, waiting to see what she would do. Regina felt her cheeks burn. A feeling so strong she couldn’t even name it welled up inside her. Suddenly she was sick of being Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, of sitting quietly and listening to everyone’s comments. For once she felt like doing something completely out of character.

“I’d like to try it,” she said.

BUZZ tells Regina how to snort coke and Justin doesn’t protest at all until it’s suggested that she do another line. Jan PHYSICALLY PUSHES Regina’s head down for the next line. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Regina’s like, wow, I’m really kinda high, and everyone laughs.

But something was wrong with her chest. Her heart was beating really fast, as if she had been running. She couldn’t really breathe.

“What’s that noise?” she said thickly to Justin and reached out weakly for his arm.

“What noise?” he demanded, still grinning at her.

“Beating,” Regina said. “Like drums.”

“Hey, I think she’s going to be sick,” Molly said, anxious. “Why is her face so pale?”

“Like drums,” Regina repeated.

Justin helps Regina lie on the couch and orders stupid Ty to go get some wet paper towels. He says he wants to call the cops because something is most def wrong with Regina. BUZZ is like, “Are you crazy?!”

But it doesn’t matter because that second, cops burst into the house with Nicholas right behind them.

Regina’s pulse is racing and she’s having trouble breathing. For a few seconds, she’s able to realize Nicholas is there and she tells him to make sure everyone knows it’s nobody’s fault. Then she asks to see Elizabeth and Bruce. Nicholas calls Elizabeth at Lila’s and tells her to get herself and Bruce to the hospital.

There, they learn that Regina had an extremely rare reaction to cocaine: rapid acceleration of the heartbeat, which brought on sudden cardiac failure. She also had a heart murmur since birth that may have contributed.

Well, thank you, ghostie and Regina. I also have had a heart murmur since birth, and because of this book, I never tried cocaine. Mission accomplished.

The door to the emergency room swung open then, and Nicholas burst in, his eyes swollen with tears. “Regina’s dead,” he said brokenly.

Elizabeth would never forget the look on his face as long as she lived.

On Monday, there’s an assembly during which all the students are told the facts about Regina’s death and that the Morrows have explicitly said they want everyone to know that nobody should be blaming anybody for what happened. Of course, they don’t know that Jan Brown shoved Regina’s face into a line of cocaine.

Molly and Justin aren’t in school, and we’re told that everyone stayed away from Jan Brown and her friends. Jan is in school?! What, does she not want to fuck up her perfect attendance record? Does this not seem odd to anyone else?

Tuesday afternoon, Jessica announces that a letter from Regina arrived for Elizabeth—the one she dropped in the mail on her way to Molly’s party, of course. It’s all about how she forgives Elizabeth and she’s sorry for how she’s been acting and that Elizabeth has been a good friend. Can we say CLOSURE?

On Friday, there’s a special assembly to honor Regina. Elizabeth makes a speech and Nicholas reads a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay. This book is really something.

Molly tries to talk to Justin but he won’t even look at her. Molly is officially a parasite—and there, we have the setup for the next book, which is all about Molly’s social and moral dilemma.

I know there’s a lot to snark on here, but honestly this book did make me sad. Ya got me, ghostie.

SVH #29: Bitter Rivals

As a Sweet Valley Twins enthusiast, Bitter Rivals is definitely one of my all-time favorite Sweet Valley High titles. It’s the book where Elizabeth’s sixth-grade bestie, Amy Sutton, moves back to Sweet Valley and is absolutely nothing like her former self.

Let’s look at the cover. Amy (on the left) and Enid Rollins are both standing behind Liz, glaring at her. They should be glaring at each other, but I guess this is supposed to represent both of them thinking Liz is an idiot for being friends with the other. I’m no big Enid fan, but guys…Amy is terrible. It’s not just that she’s vain, or boy-crazy, or self-involved. I could deal with all of those things (with a fictional character). It’s that she’s a BITCH, you guys.

When we open, Elizabeth, Jessica, and Enid are hanging out by the Wakefield pool. Jessica is pouting because Liz isn’t listening to her—she’s too busy daydreaming about what it will be like when Amy moves back to town. Elizabeth goes on and on about how great Amy is, and Enid can’t help but be nervous—what if she and Amy don’t get along? What will that do to her friendship with Elizabeth, the only thing Enid really has going for her?

Amy’s family is moving into the Bradleys’ old house, just a few blocks from the Wakefields (so I’m guessing it’s another storybook-perfect, tree-lined street). Jessica is still pissed that Helen Bradley moved because now she has to hold auditions for a cheerleader to take her place.

“Remember what happened last time?”

Elizabeth and Enid exchanged glances. They did remember! Who could forget? Jessica was co-captain of the squad, but the last time auditions were held, she took charge of the whole show. Annie Whitman had auditioned, and Jessica hadn’t wanted Annie on the squad, so she had done her best to keep her off. When Annie found out she hadn’t made the squad, she had tried to commit suicide. It has been a terrible mess. Eventually Jessica had to relent, and now Annie was one of the cheerleaders.

“Nothing like that had better happen this time,” Jessica grumbled, putting the suntan oil down and picking up her notebook.

“It had been a terrible mess???” Um. If I recall correctly, Jessica mercilessly bullied Annie for being sexually active. Hey Jess, I think if you just act like a human being, things should go OK this time around.

Rather than remind Jessica of the near results of her psychopathic tendencies, Enid just asks her why she has a notebook by the pool. Jessica and Cara Walker have started a new column for the Oracle called Miss Lovelorn. They give love advice to readers who write in. Why anyone would want advice from Jessica and Cara about anything is a mystery.

Enid reminds Elizabeth about their ski trip in Lake Tahoe. We’re told that they are staying with Enid’s Aunt Nancy, who is only 28 and lots of fun. This is my first time reading this book when I am older than Aunt Nancy, and guys, I’m BITTER.

Elizabeth realizes that if they go on the trip as planned, she won’t be there to welcome Amy back to Sweet Valley. She asks Enid if they can put the trip off for a few weeks. Enid reluctantly agrees, and even more reluctantly suggests that they ask Amy to come along.

The next day at school, Winston Egbert asks Elizabeth if it’s true that the woman of his dreams is moving back to Sweet Valley. I don’t remember Winston crushing on Amy, but let me know if you do!

Lila recalls that Amy was “clumsy and tomboyish” and then changes the subject to her cousin Christopher’s upcoming visit. Li is throwing a party in his honor, and rather creepily talks about him like she’s got posters of his face all over her bedroom walls. She says he’s “quite simply the world’s most fabulous man” and describes him as “six-foot-two, with really wavy, thick, blond hair and the most amazing blue eyes. They just sort of pierce right through you.” Christopher is from Maine, and an avid “yachtsman.” I’m too poor to have even realized that was a thing before now.

That afternoon, Jessica decides to put her Miss Lovelorn column to good use, writing and responding to fake letters to start a fight between the guy she likes, Jay MaGuire, and his girlfriend, Denise Hadley. Cara barely tries to talk her out of it.

Saturday morning: Elizabeth is headed to meet Enid at the beach when Amy calls.

Elizabeth listened for the familiar buzz of long distance. To her surprise, it sounded as though Amy were calling from nearby!

Amy has arrived in Sweet Valley a day early! Yay! Elizabeth races over to greet Amy.

“Amy!” Elizabeth cried.

The two girls threw their arms around each other. For several minutes they were laughing and hugging and talking and making no sense at all. But at last Elizabeth extricated herself from Amy’s exuberant embrace long enough to get a good look at her.

“Good lord, Amy,” she said, shaking her head. “You never told me you got so beautiful!”

When Amy had left Sweet Valley after the sixth grade, she was a skinny kid who needed braces. Now…well, Elizabeth could hardly believe her eyes. Amy was an inch or two taller than Elizabeth, with dark blond hair that fell to her shoulders. Her eyes, a slate gray color, were outlined with gray pencil. Her smile was flawless. She looked, Elizabeth thought with admiration, like a fashion model. She was wearing a cotton miniskirt and a T-shirt, and even in that outfit she would have looked at home in any of the top fashion magazines.

Elizabeth completely forgets about Enid while she and Amy catch up and Amy gathers what she needs to spend the night at the Wakefields’. Eventually, Liz remembers Enid. She starts to fill Amy in on Enid and mentions the ski trip, at which point Amy interrupts to tell Liz about a guy she met on the slopes who basically wanted to die when he found out that Amy was moving. Wish I could fact-check that story.

Elizabeth tries to call Enid but there’s no answer. She pushes her to the back of her mind as the day goes on, and is delighted that Amy and Jessica are getting along famously. She doesn’t seem to put together that the reason why is because Amy is yammering on about boys and clothes, the things Jessica cares about.

The next day, Elizabeth apologizes to Enid and arranges a brunch meeting at the Pancake House so Amy and Enid can meet. Amy wears a “glamourous” black jumpsuit and boots, which Jessica thinks are ahead of fashion. When Elizabeth is like umm we’re just going to the Pancake House, Amy says they could “meet a handsome stranger on the way.” Ohhhkaaay. Heads up, everywhere Amy goes, she finds an attractive guy to gush over.

Amy then proceeds to passive-aggressively shame Enid for ordering pancakes at the Pancake House. She opts for grapefruit because she hates herself if she weighs an ounce over 110 pounds.

Enid has an awful time listening to Amy and Elizabeth reminisce, and quickly (and rightly) figures out that Amy is “vain and silly.” Elizabeth doesn’t notice that Amy and Enid don’t exactly hit it off, and Enid decides she won’t say anything. MUST PROTECT FRIENDSHIP WITH ELIZABETH AT ALL COSTS!

Amy starts school the next week, and quickly becomes one of the most popular students at Sweet Valley High. Liz is thrilled that she’s fitting in so well, but she is slightly bothered by the fact that JESSICA seems to be the one who is mostly showing Amy around and introducing her to people. She worries that Jess is going to waste Amy’s time with trivial things, like the sorority and cheerleading. And Liz is hell-bent on Amy joining the newspaper staff so they can recreate their Sweet Valley Sixers memories. She is much too slow to realize that Amy just isn’t interested in writing anymore. And Amy is much too slow to just freaking say that her interests have changed.

On Wednesday morning, Enid and Liz decide that they are fine with skipping Lila’s party for her cousin Christopher so they can go to Lake Tahoe. Elizabeth promises to get Amy’s final answer so that Enid can go ahead and finalize plans with her aunt. They’re having lunch together that afternoon—or so Elizabeth thinks. Amy blows her off. Liz finally catches up with her at the end of the day. One “winning smile” and Elizabeth is ready to forgive Amy for anything. (That’s literally what we’re told.)

“Enid thinks that next weekend is the best time for her Aunt Nancy. But she wanted me to check with you before confirming the plans.”

“Next weekend?” Amy asked. She shrugged. “Sounds fine to me.”

Elizabeth stared at her. She’d expected Amy to be a little bit more excited. Enid was being characteristically warm and generous, offering to invite a virtual stranger to her aunt’s cabin. And Amy seemed so nonchalant about it all.

“It sounds like fun,” Amy said, giving Elizabeth an impulsive hug. “Honestly, Liz. Don’t look so glum. We’ll have a terrific time.”

Elizabeth felt vastly relieved. “I know we will,” she said happily. “Enid’s been going to so much trouble, Amy. She’s really made lots of plans with her aunt. I just know it’s going to be great.”

“Oh, look!” Amy exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. There’s Jessica and Cara. You don’t mind if run off with them, do you? They promised to take me to cheerleading practice this afternoon.”

Elizabeth stared at her. “Cheerleading practice? But I thought—”

“I adore cheerleading,” Amy told her. “I was on the squad at my old high school. Didn’t you know?”

Elizabeth shook her head. “I wanted to show you the Oracle office,” she said miserably. “Couldn’t we just—”

“Some other time, Amy promised, hurrying down the hall toward Cara and Jessica.

Now, I start to feel kinda bad for Elizabeth. I’m pretty sure this scene wrecked me when I first read it. Elizabeth had such high expectations for her reunion with Amy, and they’re falling short in every way because Amy has changed—but Liz is determined to hang onto Amy for the sake of the friendship they had when they were kids. It’s really quite understandable, and sad.

On Monday morning, Elizabeth tells Jessica that she, Amy, and Enid are skipping Lila’s party to go skiing. Jessica can’t believe it, and then drops a bomb: Amy is trying out for the cheerleading squad that afternoon. Jessica reminds Elizabeth that Amy was a great baton twirler in the sixth grade, so she really shouldn’t be that surprised. In fact, the Boosters were cheerleaders, and Elizabeth defended Amy’s decision in the sixth grade to Jessica and the rest of her snotty friends. Of course, the problem isn’t that Amy is into cheerleading, it’s that she’s become a shallow, vapid version of herself.

Attempting to be a good friend, Elizabeth watches the cheerleading tryouts to show Amy her support. Amy makes it (surprise!) and barely gives Liz a chance to congratulate her afterward. When Elizabeth says she’s meeting Enid at the mall to buy ski gloves and offers to pick up a pair for Amy, Amy stares at her blankly before calling Liz a “doll” and asking her to meet up at the Dairi Burger at 5:00. Elizabeth is aware there is something awkward and wrong about the whole exchange, but she promises herself that she’s going to be as understanding as she can—after all, Amy is still getting settled and adjusting, blah blah blah.

Elizabeth and Enid pick out choose boring and practical navy blue ski gloves for themselves, and Elizabeth gets a pair of bright red ones for Amy—something I for some reason always remembered very well. (I would totally choose the bright red ones for myself.) Done with their shopping, Liz invites Enid to the Dairi Burger. Enid is all about it, until she finds out that Amy will be there. Then she begs off, citing homework.

Would Enid have joined her at the Dairi Burger, Elizabeth wondered, if Amy weren’t going to be there? She had a feeling the answer to that question was yes.

Elizabeth heads to the Dairi Burger on her own, and discovers that Amy has made other plans for them.

No sooner had she arrived at the Dairi Burger than she’d found Amy waiting for her outside, a look of impatience on her pretty face. “Where’ve you been?” she’d complained, jumping right into the car.

Elizabeth had stared at her, astonished. “I was with Enid at the mall. We were getting ski gloves for the trip, remember?”

Amy frowned. “I’ve been waiting for ages. Liz, be a doll and give me a ride home, will you? Johnny’s supposed to call at five-thirty, and if I miss him I’ll just die!”

Elizabeth bit her lip. “I thought I was meeting you here so we could get a soda—not so I could drive you home.”

Amy smiled at her prettily. “I know that, Liz! Honestly, do you think I’m a total monster?”

Elizabeth just stared at her, then reluctantly turned the key in the ignition.

Lots of staring going on in this book. I guess that’s what happens when you’re repeatedly faced with a person who is living in an alternate reality where they are the only one who matters.

The girls go back to Amy’s house and while Amy is on the phone, Elizabeth moseys around her bedroom, thinking about how different it is from her bedroom when they were 12. There are no sports trophies or anything to show that Amy had an interest in anything but boys.

Then Elizabeth gives Amy the ski gloves and starts talking about the weekend. Amy freaks because she didn’t realize that going skiing meant missing Lila’s party.

Distraught, Elizabeth goes home and confides the problem in Jessica, who is like, well duh, disappoint Enid, not Amy.

Elizabeth takes the advice, and Enid reluctantly agrees to cancel on her aunt again.

Then there’s a whole scene where Jessica manipulates Jay McGuire into taking her on a date. I’m really not interested in this B-plot.

On Wednesday, Amy blows off another lunch date with Elizabeth, and our girl shows a bit of backbone, saying her time counts, too. Of course, Amy just practically cries and gets Liz to forgive her in two seconds.

Then Amy says she’s in love with Lila’s cousin Christopher, whom she has never met.

“Honestly, Liz! You don’t have to actually talk to someone to know it’s true love, do you?”

Elizabeth didn’t answer. She didn’t get a chance.

“Besides, Amy went on, “Lila really wants us to get together. She told me so herself. She thinks we’ll make a terrific couple. And with her help…”

“I hope it works out,” Elizabeth said sincerely, thinking privately that the last person she’d ever want involved with her love life would be Lila Fowler. “Anyway, it should make Saturday night more suspenseful for you, if nothing else!”

“Saturday night,” Amy said dreamily, “is going to be the happiest night of my entire life!”

On Friday night, Jessica goes on her date with Jay and eventually gets him to commit to going to Lila’s party with her, even though he’s pretty obviously not into Jess at all and still very much wants to be with Denise.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is waiting at home for Amy, who said she would be over at 8.  We’re told that the night before, Amy called and the two of them had the best talk since she’d been back, and Elizabeth was completely won over and feeling like their friendship was back on track. When Amy asked Elizabeth to go to the movies on Friday, Elizabeth “had been delighted to say yes.”

But now, Amy was nowhere to be seen. Elizabeth finally has a long think on the whole situation and realizes that Amy just can’t be depended on. She also realizes that she’s been a shitty friend to Enid because Amy was a shitty friend to her. She calls Enid’s house, but Enid’s gone out with some other people. So there, Elizabeth!

Finally, Amy shows up with a long story about how first she had to do this, then that, then this happened, etc.

“If your mother is having a dinner party over at your house tonight, how come no one answered when I called about an hour ago?” she asked pointedly.

Amy looked startled. “They must’ve all been outside,” she said. “That’s where they’re eating—out on the patio. And you can’t hear the phone when the door’s closed.”

Elizabeth didn’t know whether to believe Amy or not. Suddenly she realized that she desperately wanted to believe her. She didn’t want to lose Amy’s friendship. They had meant so much to each other when they were growing up. To lose Amy now would mean cutting out a part of her life that had meant a great deal to her.

Saturday night, party night: the party is a costume ball, and Elizabeth decides to go as a skier to send a message to Enid that she’s thinking about their weekend. The pair are supposed to drive to the party together, but then AMY needs a ride, too. Enid backs off again, and Elizabeth’s uneasy feeling intensifies.

Enid ends up dressing as a skier also, while Amy is a ballerina. If only Madame Andre could see her now!

Just as Lila is about to introduce her cousin Christopher to Amy, he interrupts her, saying he’s got to say hello to someone else first. Then he crosses the room to approach…ENID!

Turns out the two were at some camp together in Maine two years ago. They begin talking excitedly and are obviously hitting it off. Amy and Lila are furious.

Soon, Jessica is furious too—Jay ditches her once he spots Denise with another guy. Not even her slutty Cleopatra costume was enough to convince him to stick it out.

Amy makes a few plays for Christopher, but he’s clearly only interested in Enid. Eventually, Christopher heads over to the dessert table, and Amy pounces on Enid.

“Enid Rollins,” she aid, her eyes flashing fire, “didn’t I tell you before to just get lost? Don’t you know you make me sick?” She looked so angry Enid felt almost afraid. “I told you this last week: you can’t steal people from me! I won’t let you steal Liz, and I’m not going to let you steal Chris, either! He’s mine,” she said savagely, leaning closer. “He’s mine, Enid. Now just stay away from him!”

Gotta hand it to Enid, she handles the little psycho quite well, keeping her composure and standing her ground.

At the end of the party, Amy tells Elizabeth that Christopher is going to drive her home—but Elizabeth already knows that he offered to drive Enid home so they could be aloooneeee. Amy smiles and says she simply told Chris that there wasn’t enough room for her in Elizabeth’s car and that if he didn’t drive her home, she’d have to walk.

Suddenly Elizabeth was angry. “That wasn’t fair, Amy. You lied. Chris really likes Enid, and you’re just—”

Amy put her hands over her ears. “I’ve had it,” she fumed. “Do you realize all I’ve heard since the day I moved back is how terrific you think Enid is? Don’t you realize”—her eyes flashed—“that I don’t care? I think she’s a total bore! And I’m sick and tired of having you try to shove her down my throat!”

Finally! Amy reveals her true evil self.

Unfortunately, by this point, Enid is mad at Liz, too—for some reason she thinks she went along with Amy’s plan to have Chris drive her home. It makes absolutely no sense to me why Enid would think this, but OK. I guess sometimes you just need a plot device.

The next day, Elizabeth calls Enid to straighten things out but she doesn’t feel like hearing it. Then she calls Amy, and Amy’s mom tells her she went to the beach with Lila and Jessica. Wtf Jessica?

Liz then has a great talk with Alice. Really, it’s one of Alice’s shining parenting moments. She gently points out that Amy sounds very manipulative, and says Enid was able to size her up fast because she wasn’t carrying around the same emotional baggage about Amy that Elizabeth had. And that she stayed quiet so as not to hurt Liz’s feelings.

She heads to Enid’s house and Elizabeth finally admits to her that Amy has changed. They patch things up and Enid STILL suggests inviting Amy to go skiing if Elizabeth wants to. Enid’s got a date with Christopher so I guess she figures if Amy comes she can rub that in her face?

Amy declines the invitation (after asking if just she and Elizabeth can go skiing without Enid, even though it’s Enid’s aunt who has the cabin). Then, Elizabeth and Amy basically end their friendship amicably.

Amy bit her lip. “Are you mad at me?” she asked.

Suddenly Elizabeth felt sorry for Amy. “No,” she said truthfully. “I’m not mad at you.”

And she really wasn’t, she realized as she walked away. Disappointed, yes. And a little hurt, too. Elizabeth had cherished memories of Amy from the sixth grade, and it pained her to admit that her friend had grown up and grown away from her.

No, Elizabeth wasn’t mad at Amy. But she couldn’t pretend to respect or admire her anymore, either.

So that’s that. In the last couple of pages, we find out Jay and Denise are back together (they both wrote into Miss Lovelorn and Elizabeth printed both letters when neither Jessica or Cara picked up their column) and they give us a convo between Jeannie West and Sandra Bacon, setting up the next book, Jealous Lies.

Was anyone else heartbroken about the end of Elizabeth and Amy’s friendship? And confused about how Amy could be such a terrible bitch and still popular at school?