SVT Super Edition #8: Jessica’s First Kiss

Alright, guys. I’m doing something I haven’t done before: recapping as I read. I’ve never read this one before (it was published in 1997 and I guess I thought I was too old for Sweet Valley Twins by then—thank god I know better now!) To be honest, so far this book is kinda boring, as far as things happening.

Let’s look at the cover. We have Elizabeth and Jessica, fairly certain Elizabeth is the one on the left, thriving in the wilderness. (Even though she left her barrettes at home!) Arms wrapped possessively around her is her “sort-of boyfriend” Todd Wilkins. The twin with sticks and dirt in her hair is Jessica, and I assume the dude next to her is Dennis Asher, a seventh-grader new to Sweet Valley. I don’t know why looks so angry. Maybe because someone just told him that each grade at Sweet Valley Middle School lasts for 30 years.

Of course, the description on the back cover indicates a possible twin switch, so I could be wrong. There’s at least a pretend twin switch. The premise is that Jess has set her sights on Dennis but she thinks she has no chance with him because she is a total mess in the outdoors and the entire middle school is on some week-long campout at a place called Bannerman Estate. There, the students are supposed to learn…I’m not quite sure. If it’s coping skills, everyone fails.

We open with Elizabeth writing a terrible poem in her room about the upcoming trip. Really, it’s bad. I know she’s 12 but I thought she was way better than this. She’s making rhymes that a 7-year-old could manage. And she’s gushing about maybe finding alone time with Todd to hold hands and she calls him “this handsome guy.”

I shouldn’t really make fun of Elizabeth for this, I say some pretty outrageously corny shit to my boyfriend with 100% seriousness. But what kind of recapper would I be if I didn’t roll my eyes?

Lila and Jessica come bursting into Elizabeth’s room and reveal they have their own ideas about what the trip will be like. Lila thinks that because it’s at a place called an “estate,” they will be living the luxe life the whole time. Elizabeth bursts their bubble with a packet of information about the trip the school sent home.

Listen, I get that Lila and Jessica are Unicorns but surely they aren’t this stupid. Surely they HAVE EARS and have heard that they will be CAMPING.

Nevertheless! They are crushed and begin hating on Elizabeth pretty much immediately. Jessica even snaps up her poem and does a dramatic reading of it and Liz is all embarrassed. Her embarrassment is pretty much the only thing that makes sense in this book.

OK, the bus ride to Bannerman Estate. Apparently there is no organization, as eighth-grader and Unicorn president Janet Howell is on the same bus with Lila, Jessica, Elizabeth, Amy, Todd, and Aaron, who are all sixth-graders. There are also some seventh-graders mixed in.

All the Unicorns are griping about the trip. Elizabeth is actually really fucking annoying. She’s leading sing-a-longs of Old MacDonald Had a Farm and the like. It’s truly awful. Janet wants Jessica to make Elizabeth shut up but Jess is unsuccessful, putting her on semi-outs with the rest of the club. Jessica’s disdain for Elizabeth deepens.

At some point, Jessica tries to talk to HER “sort-of-boyfriend,” Aaron. She figures that some alone time with him will be the only thing that can salvage the trip. She approaches him on the bus and he acts aloof, won’t stop talking about bears. Aaron’s entire personality in this book is that he’s obsessed with bears. He also thinks a bunch of misogynistic nonsense like “no self-respecting guy would ever want to get married.” Same goes for the ladies, bucko!

Alright, we get to Bannerman. Predictably, Elizabeth is swept away by the beauty and romance of the place while Jessica is swatting away mosquitos.

Listen, I’m just going to come out and say it. This is one of those books where I (at least so far) am completely sympathetic to Jessica. Some of us were not made for camping. Some of us have blood that smells like an all-you-can-eat buffet of Red Lobster and Cracker Barrel biscuits and red wine to bugs that bite. Some of us JUST CAN’T STOP SWEATING. So while all of you nature lovers are frolicking around with your unappealing blood and your armpits that don’t stink and your dry faces, WE ARE SUFFERING. You are not better than we are. You are just luckier.

There’s a boys’ camp and a girls’ camp for overnights. Over in the girls’ camp, Jessica shares a tent with the other Unicorns, who are all crying about the lack of hairdryers and cable TV and the rocks and tree roots in their backs. In the boys’ camp, Aaron Dallas decides to play a trick on everyone, pretending he sees a bear, sending everyone into hysterics and causing Bruce Patman to cut through the top of their tent with a Swiss Army knife. Sounds safe. Aaron Dallas reveals a new and I believe temporary psycho side to himself.

It worked, Aaron told himself, a small grin breaking out on his face. Sticking his head out through the ruined remains of the canopy, he stared out at the scene. There were kids sobbing, kids screaming, kids running in circles. Kids clutching backpacks and heavy jackets, kids shivering in underpants and bare feet. Kids looking around nervously, hoping that the bear wasn’t coming at them from behind.

It was a truly awesome sight. Aaron couldn’t help himself. The small grin became a big grin, and the big grin became a laugh, and—quickly he ducked back into the tent.

OK so. Idk maybe I would have read this differently prior to school and mass shootings becoming an epidemic in my broken country (and again, this book was published in 1997, just two years before Columbine and 20 years before I became a parent and a nervous wreck about absolutely everything) but this really didn’t sit well with me.

Nor does it sit well with Dennis Asher, who calls Aaron out for loving the chaos and accusing him of being the boy who cried bear. I like this Dennis dude so far. Way better than Cookman.

Confusingly, the girls’ camp seems to be too far away from the boys’ camp for them to hear the ruckus—but not so far that they can’t hear Charlie Cashman honking his trumpet early the next morning to wake everyone up—this is something faculty apparently requested that he do. I can only assume that this was to absolve themselves of literally all responsibility. I haven’t heard one word about ANY TEACHER being present at the campsites, not even Mr. Bowman.

The Unicorns can’t muster the will to live and sleep through breakfast, as well as an assembly, both of which ELIZABETH enjoys IMMENSELY. She lets them know how wonderful everything was and they are all like, fucking fuck the fuck off, Elizabeth. Frankly, so am I.

Chapter 6. That’s right, CHAPTER 6. You see how pretty much nothing has happened? We could have set this all up in 2 chapters, 3 MAX, ghostie. Elizabeth and Todd shyly talk about what to do with their alone time. It’s pretty cute, except that they keep saying “like” for every other word—this is something that I noticed happens in the later books. It’s irritating. Eventually, they go on a hike and split a four-leaf clover in half. Their fingers touch in the process. Barf.

Jessica talks to Aaron again and he AGAIN pretends there’s a bear nearby, sending her running and screaming off into the distance while he laughs. Jess decides she hates Aaron now. I don’t blame her. Just how many nature shows does one need to watch to turn them from a sweet kid who asks a girl out on a date with his parents as chaperones to THIS?

Whilst running for her life in vain, Jessica catches a glimpse of a shirtless Dennis Asher jumping into the lake and is reminded how cute he is. She also recalls how Aaron said Dennis called him on his BS, and since she hates Aaron now, Dennis is even more appealing. Unfortunately, Jessica is not at her top form. She’s disgusting. She’s muddy, she smells like sweat and sulfur. She’s not feeling up to making a play for Dennis Asher.

That night at a campfire, Jessica continues to be Jessica and Elizabeth continues to be Elizabeth. It takes a whole chapter.

Winston Egbert tells a story about the twins who used to live at Bannerman Estate. I’m pretty sure there were no actual twins, but to be honest I am kind of skimming. He says the twins wanted to marry the same guy and the guy didn’t much care who he married because he couldn’t tell them apart anyway.

Sounds like a real catch.

So he tells the twins to decide between themselves who he will marry and then that one should let him know, and the next day will be their wedding. Um, OK.

One twin kills the other and then assumes her identity and marries the guy who didn’t care who he married in the first place.

Surely I must have missed something but guys…we’re about halfway through this book and JUST NOW the actual plot is starting to kick in.

Winston’s story gives Jessica the idea to pull the twin switch so she can look more appealing to Dennis—but she isn’t going to tell Elizabeth about it. This is the worst idea since their April Fool’s joke.

The next day, Jessica puts her plan into action. Everyone has to sign up for an activity every day (activities range from things that sort of make sense, like history lessons and archeological digs, to things that don’t, like volleyball). Jess waits by the signup boards for Dennis to show up so she can sign up for whatever he does. He goes for canoeing, as volleyball is all full. Jess grabs the pen and writes…Elizabeth Wakefield.

That afternoon, the real Elizabeth is in a macramé class with Todd (LOL) and Maria Slater is like oh weird, I thought you signed up for canoeing. And Elizabeth is like yeah, no, weird. I’m all about macramé with my sort-of boyfriend, so you know…no lake for me.

Meanwhile, Jessica shows up at canoeing looking like her usual mess of herself. She introduces herself to Dennis as Elizabeth and tells him that her sister, Jessica, like, totally has a crush on him and he should be flattered because she’s lots prettier and cleaner than she is. I’m not kidding. Then she says she wants Dennis to be aware but warns him not to come on too strong because Jessica scares off easily. She wants him to wait until they get back to school to approach Jessica. I don’t even know whether I should put that in quotes. I guess not? It is Jessica that Jessica wants Dennis to approach. It’s just that for the time being she wants him to think Elizabeth is Jessica. She also says that if Dennis calls Elizabeth—who he thinks is Jessica—Jessica—that she will swear up and down she’s Elizabeth because that’s her “sense of humor.” Alrighty.

Dennis comes off like an ass. Erase everything I previously thought about him based on how he called out Aaron Dallas. Dennis says LOTS of girls had crushes on him at his old school. Then he agrees to the plan and says,

“If she’s really cleaner and prettier than you, maybe it’ll even be worth it.”

WTF?

Later, Amy notices Dennis staring at Elizabeth and alerts her. Elizabeth is confused because she doesn’t know anything about Dennis except his name. Um. So…if you knew more about him you would be fine with him staring at you? OK. Sweet Valley Middle School social norms are weird.

Dennis introduces himself to Elizabeth, calls her Jessica, and peaces out before she can correct him.

The next day, Jessica pulls more tricks at the sign-up boards, which land Todd and herself in “orienteering” and Elizabeth—the real Elizabeth—and Dennis in tennis.

I have to take a moment to mention that Jessica calls Todd “Toddster” before dragging him off to orienteering to get him away from Elizabeth. They act too lovey-dovey around each other and she can’t risk Dennis seeing that.

Orienteering, for those of you like me who had no idea, is finding your way out of the woods with a compass and a map.

During tennis, Dennis tries to get to know “Jessica” more and Elizabeth tries to convince him she’s Elizabeth.

I can’t imagine ghosting one of these twin switch books, you guys. It’s incredibly confusing.

At a campfire that evening, Jessica has to explain who Todd is since Elizabeth is practically sitting in his lap and he thinks Elizabeth is Jessica and Jessica has a crush on him. She says Todd is HER “sort-of boyfriend” and he likes to try to make Jessica jealous. Dennis buys it and doesn’t find it disturbing at all.

Later that night, Jessica sabotages Elizabeth’s romantic walk in the woods with Todd and Elizabeth asks her if she’s doing all this weird stuff because she wants Todd for herself. For once, Jessica can tell the truth and be like, hell to the no.

Much of the rest of the book plays out like a catchy-but-annoying song on repeat. The Unicorns hate camping, they try a million different ways to get sent home, from Lila shouting “don’t you know who I am?!” at the camp director to faking sick, to breaking the rules. Nothing works and eventually they try (several times) to run away.

Eventually, Elizabeth figures out what Jessica did and clues Todd in, then she weirdly plays along as an attempt at retaliation. Makes no sense, really. At one point she becomes sort of forward, which throws Dennis (and me) for a bit of a loop. Aaron (who has continued to be obsessed with bears and scaring people with fake bear threats) sees all of this goes down but he thinks Elizabeth is Jessica because he hears Dennis calling her that. Aaron starts to get jealous and regrets tricking Jessica earlier in the week. He also comes to regret being the boy who cried bear after he’s confronted by an ACTUAL bear and forced to spend the night in a tree. Everyone heard his cries for help but nobody came because they didn’t believe him. Really, though? Not even a teacher or a Bannerman Estate staffer felt a responsibility to check this out?

A day or 2 before camp is over, Jessica actually does get sick and gets sent home, much to her delight. Once she recovers and is beautiful again, she tries talking to Dennis but he mentions a bunch of stuff she has no idea about and she’s horrible at recovering. Then he brandishes half a maple leaf Elizabeth-as-Jessica gave him and when she’s clueless and can’t show him her own half, he “knows” she’s lying about being Jessica. This was Elizabeth’s grand plan. Har har.

Dennis then approaches Elizabeth with the maple leaf and she I guess pretends she doesn’t know what he’s talking about either, to get rid of him.

When Elizabeth hadn’t shown Dennis the proper password or whatever it was about that stupid leaf, Dennis had gotten mad and sworn off the Wakefields forever.

LOL. Smart move, Dennis.

Jessica is sulking at home alone when the doorbell rings. Guess who?!

Aaron has come to apologize for being a dick!

“So I just wanted to know,” Aaron went on, “if it was, like, all over between us. If you and Dennis are sort of together. Because if you are—” His eyes traveled to meet Jessica’s. “Then I’ll leave you alone. It’s not like I treated you great or anything, I know. But if you think you might want to be my sort-of girlfriend again, then…” He swallowed hard. “Then I have a different idea,” he said in a strangled voice.

Jessica could have laughed out loud. So Elizabeth hanging all over Dennis had done some good after all! She stared at Aaron. Suddenly she remembered all his good qualities. All the things that had attracted her to him to begin with. His sense of humor, and the way that he’d sometimes do nice things for her, and his good looks, especially now that he had taken a shower, and the fun times they’d had…

“Sure,” she said, trying not to sound too eager. “Dennis is a nice guy, but I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

Aaron breathed a sigh of relief.

“So what exactly did you have in mind?” Jessica asked.

“Just—this.” Aaron stood and walked quickly to Jessica’s side. Jessica watched his face come closer and closer to her own until his lips met hers.

And then she realized that we was kissing her.

With her free hand, she encircled his neck and pulled him closer. My first kiss! She thought.

It’s really pretty sweet, isn’t it? On the very last page of a 183-page book called Jessica’s First Kiss, Jessica gets her first kiss.

I have one last gripe: in the early books, the terms “sort-of boyfriend” and “sort-of girlfriend” were commonly used in the narrative, but not by the actual characters themselves. It really bothered me to hear Aaron et al using these terms.

Oh and I guess, on second thought, looking at the cover, Dennis is the one with his arm around Elizabeth and Todd is the one next to dirty Jessica looking mad about it.

OH! And lest I forget: “cell phone” is mentioned in this book! It might be the first cell phone mention we get in a Twins book, I’m not really sure. Again, this was published in 1997. I’ll keep an eye out for other mentions in the later books! (But I much prefer re-reading the old ones, so it might be some time before I spot another.)

Cell phone mention: page 152, by Kimberly Haver.

“Look.” Janet’s eyes glittered. “It can’t be that hard. It’s not like they have an electric fence around the estate. And there are roads all over the place. I mean, this is California. Three hundred million people live here, right? How far before we get to a police station or a kind lady?”

“Or a trucker with a cell phone?” Kimberly put in.

“Or a shower?” Janet finished.

I would really enjoy a Super Edition about the Unicorns hitchhiking, getting picked up by a psycho, and then being so annoying that the psycho just gives them their car and a bunch of money to go away, and then they have a totally excellent adventure. Can I write that book?

SVH #14: Deceptions

Wow. Just wow. This is one of those Sweet Valley books that makes you realize just how much has changed in the world. And just how screwed up our view of women is/was (this book was published in 1984).

Before I get started, I’d like to share a memory I have about this book, which I am assuming I first read in 5^th or 6^th grade because that’s the last time I can recall being friends with the girl who took this book off my bookshelf, studied the cover, and said, “Deceptions. My mom won’t let me read this.” Thank you, mom, for not robbing me of my Sweet Valley passion. Or for not paying attention to what I was reading. Either or.

Let’s look at the cover. There’s Elizabeth, looking like a 40-year-old country club waitress with her feathered bangs and polo shirt. Gazing at her adoringly (by 1984 standards) or creepily (by 2021 standards) is Nicholas Morrow. He’s rich, he’s 19, and he’s new in town. It’s practically a law that he immediately tries to pursue a relationship with a Wakefield twin. Nicholas seems to find Jessica a bit much, so Elizabeth it is.

When we open, a party is in full swing at Casa Wakefield. Elizabeth has just returned home after having been held hostage by a maniac, and she was like, well gosh darn it, I wanna dance!

Things are weird from page 1 but they take a turn for the REALLY RIDICULOUS on page 17. 17!! Let that sink in. Ghostie wasted no time.

Before you read the following excerpt, I want to make this crystal clear: Nicholas has JUST MET ELIZABETH. Like an hour ago. MAYBE.

“Elizabeth—“ Nicholas began, his face reddening. “I don’t know how to tell you this…I’ve never said anything so difficult in my life. But I guess it’s best just to get it out into the open, so here goes.” He paused for a second, and then said quickly, “Elizabeth, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

WHAT?!

Reminder: Elizabeth was just kidnapped by a psychotic hospital orderly who claimed to love her. But instead of doing something reasonable, like running screaming from the room, Elizabeth is just like, oh come on. I highly doubt that. And then Nicholas is like, nope from the minute I saw you, I fell in love with you. And Elizabeth says…

“There in the moonlight?”

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Nicholas then proceeds to basically force her to agree to go on a date with him, even after she brings up her boyfriend, Todd the Basketball star Wilkins.

First Nicholas pretends he doesn’t think he is good-looking (we are previously told that Nicholas’ looks would “put a Greek god to shame”)

Then he says 16 is too young to be tied down with just one person. Nicholas is giving me vibes that he will be saying the same thing at 45.

Then he suggests that she is AFRAID to see what else is out there.

Nicholas is a Grade A creepazoid gaslighting manipulative douche.

Elizabeth finally agrees to have dinner with him. What I mean is, she allows herself to be guilted into it. It’s horrible, you guys. And let’s not forget that Nicholas is still basically a stranger. This is absolutely insane.

They agree to go to dinner on Sunday, which is just weird. Like these people are teenagers? Liz and Todd have a standing date on Saturday, but what about Friday? I know this isn’t the point but it’s weird. Elizabeth plans to tell Todd about the dinner but then Todd goes on about how he hates Nicholas, etc., and her resolve evaporates.

Meanwhile, Jessica is trying to use Randy Mason to learn about computers because Nicholas is going to be going into his family’s computer business. Jessica thinks being able to throw around terms like…um…”floppy disk”…are going to impress Nicholas, so the opportunistic, shameless fake flirting with Randy Mason begins. Oh, Jessica says she’s in love with Nicholas, btw. So Elizabeth keeps the date a secret from everyone (except eventually E-nerd but who cares?).

Jessica goes all out trying to learn about computers. She even goes to Randy’s house after school.

They went inside, and Randy led to Jessica to his room. There was a bed against one wall, with a chair beside it. There was a dresser, too. But most of the room was taken up with what Randy called his “work center”—a computer, a terminal, a printer.

OK, 2 questions. Wtf is a terminal? And 2, a chair beside the bed? For what? So Randy’s mom can read him bedtime stories?

Randy teaches Jessica how to “run a program” (?) and then offers to help her with her math. Jess is currently flunking and in danger of being kicked off the cheerleading squad.

What Jess actually wants is for Randy to hack into Sweet Valley High’s new computer (a gift from the Morrow family) and change her math grade. If you thought Randy was too smart to do something like that, well, you’ve never read a Sweet Valley book before and have severely underestimated the power of Jessica Wakefield’s dazzling smile.

On Wednesday night, Elizabeth frets because she’s expecting Nicholas to call to arrange their secret dinner date and she doesn’t want Jessica to answer the phone. I love how 1984 that is. I kinda wish we could go back in time in some ways, guys.

She manages to answer the phone when he calls. He suggests they go to a place called Cote d’Or for dinner.

Elizabeth had read something about it in some magazine. “Exquisite,” they had called it. “The specialties are…” A long list followed. After that were prices that made Elizabeth blink.

Since it’s out of town and highly unlikely that she’ll run into anyone from school, Elizabeth is stoked.

On Thursday, Randy—who has confessed to Jessica that he’s never had a girlfriend—changes Jessica’s F to C- in the Sweet Valley High computer system. Then he asks her if she wants to go to the Dairi Burger with him and she’s like, haha, no.

Later that afternoon, while Elizabeth is scrutinizing her neatly folded sweaters to see if Jessica secretly wore any of them, Randy calls. Mistaking Liz for Jess, he blabs about the whole grade-change thing and says the school has changed its access code and he thinks they are on to them and he’s terrified and going to school right now to confess. (How does he even know Mr. Cooper will still be there?) Elizabeth drags Jessica to school also so Randy doesn’t get all the blame, and Mr. Cooper makes a big show of how he is ONLY going to let it slide because ELIZABETH convinced him to. It’s weird. Like everything else in this book.

On Saturday night, Elizabeth chickens out of telling Todd about her dinner with Nicholas again. For good reason, really. She shouldn’t be having dinner with him in the first place. “OK fine Nicholas, I will give you a chance to woo me away from Todd.” Like, what? WTF is that? I remembered Nicholas Morrow quite fondly but upon revisiting this book, I have absolutely no idea why.

OK, Sunday. Go time. Elizabeth wakes up and it’s “the kind of day Sweet Valley was noted for.” Barf. She then has a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup, prompting me to think about the fact that if I was going to hang out with a guy I liked when I was 16, I’d practically starve myself for like 3 days before so I could get as close to a “perfect size 6” as possible. I hope you choke on your pancakes, Elizabeth!!

…Anyway. We get a neat description of the outfit Liz selects for her date:

She decided on a natural-silk shantung dress that was practically the color of her honey-blond hair. The style was simplicity itself, but Elizabeth dressed it up with a pair of matching shoes, a gold belt, and a bracelet. Aside from that and her watch, she wore no jewelry except for a lavaliere, one of the matched pair their parents had given the twins on their sixteenth birthday.

We’re then told that Lizzie “pirouetted” in front of the mirror to make sure she was good to go. Alrighty then.

Elizabeth opts to drive herself to the restaurant—perhaps the only smart choice she makes in this book. A “liveried valet” greets her. Honestly, wtf? I think this ghost writer wanted to be writing 17^th century romances, or something.

The restaurant is quite fahncy. It’s even got doves flying around in a gold cage. Nicholas is there waiting, wearing charcoal slacks, a black dinner jacket, and—wait for it!—a “tasteful maroon ascot fastened about his neck.”

BAHAHAHAHAHA.

Nicholas orders for the both of them (eyeroll) and then the pair discuss: how rich people can sometimes be snobby and sometimes not, that Nicholas enjoys the Dairi Burger (he’s so down to earth!), swimming, tennis, and skiing. They both like Hemingway and mysteries, and Nicholas wants to go to college. He does not ask Elizabeth about her future plans, but he does ask her if she will go out with him again. She says no, citing that she’s not in love with him.

Nicholas is basically like, oh, damn, and then they’re like, ok, let’s be friends! Nicholas is seriously the biggest turd I didn’t remember.

Anyway, remember how it was Todd’s mom’s birthday today? Well, the Wilkins fam decided to splurge and go to Cote d’Or. Elizabeth pretends she’s Jessica so that Todd won’t flip a shit. Todd buys it but Elizabeth is caught anyway because he decides to go straight to the Wakefield house to…um…apologize for even THINKING Elizabeth would do something so shady. Of course, when he gets there, Jessica is all like, wtf do you want? And Elizabeth’s life is ruined.

For like a day.

Fast-forward a few pages: Todd is blowing it in the big basketball game because Elizabeth broke his heart and she’s watching helplessly and guiltily from the stands. Then NICHOLAS saves the day by telling Todd at half-time that he basically forced Elizabeth to go out with him and that she maintained her love for Todd all along. Todd believes this because I guess forcing people to go out on dates is a common thing amongst Sweet Valley men? I don’t know, you guys.

Overjoyed, Todd heads back out onto the court and scores a bunch of points or whatever and wins the game. And then he makes up with Elizabeth.

It’s terrible, guys. The whole entire thing. Did anyone remember Nicholas having such problematic behavior? I sure didn’t! Jessica winds up being the unlikely hero here, because she decides Nicholas is too boring to be interested in.

SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part Four)

(Click here for Part Three if you missed it!)

CHAPTERS 14-END

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At the end of the last chapter, we were all wondering: WHERE IS JESSICA? The answer: trapped in a cave with Robbie October, trying not to get eaten by a bear. And people wonder why I am not into nature. This is what I read growing up!

Jessica (and Robbie, by extension) are saved by Jessica’s biggest fan, bumbling dork Barry Cooper. In fact, he RISKS HIS LIFE for her, which is completely ridiculous, seeing as how she has treated him like crap since the beginning of the trip. Barry also reveals himself to know a few things about black bears, and we get this sentence: “Elizabeth and Mr. Collins exchanged a look of total astonishment. Who would have guessed that under his insecure, butter-fingered pudgy exterior, Barry was an expert on animals.”

OH MY GOD. YOU GUYS.

Basically, Barry provokes the bear to chase him so Jessica can get out of the cave. The whole thing is a major eyeroll. When one of the bear’s cubs begins to cry, she turns around. For his efforts, he gets a couple of kisses on the cheek from Jessica, which, given what we know about Barry, is the most action he’s gotten…ever.

In the next scene, Annie and Charlie, perhaps motivated by the knowledge that you can die quickly in the woods when you’re surrounded by idiots, come clean about their feelings for each other. All is well for them. Aw.

Later that night, Jessica is toasting marshmallows for Barry at the campfire, and when he says she doesn’t have to be so nice to him she basically says she knows, and it won’t last. Way to be gracious.

Jess’ next mission is to make up with Lila (understandable). Once they straighten things out, Lila confides in Jessica about Ms. Dalton’s secret past.

Then comes this passage:

“The coast was clear. Courtney had watched Elizabeth carefully extinguish the last smoldering embers of the camp fire with sand, until not one glowing speck remained. After what seemed like forever. Elizabeth turned her back on the camp fire and disappeared inside her tent.”

Did you get that, guys? Elizabeth put the fire out. FOR SURE.

Courtney then exits her tent and goes to find Todd. She tells him she has to talk to him about her dad and acts really scared. Todd says he’ll be right out. While she waits, she has a cigarette. (A Marlboro, in case you were wondering.)

We learn that Courtney called her father and claimed to be a changed teenager, now in love with goody-goody Todd and a goody-goody herself. Her dad agrees she can return home with Todd.

As Todd comes out, Courtney “carelessly” flicks her cigarette into the bushes. She tells him she called her dad and he sounded like he was a drunk mess, and she simply must go home to make sure he’s OK. She wants Todd to come with her. And I guess live with her, since she talks about how it can be scary to be alone in the house with her drunk dad. Todd agrees. *Headdesk.*

Later that night, Elizabeth wakes up and sees/smells the fire. She rightfully freaks out and wakes everybody up. They all start trying to put the fire out. In the chaos, Lila blurts out that Ms. Dalton had a husband, and even though the woods are literally burning down around them Mr. Collins is all like, “Say what?!”

Eventually the gang puts out the fire. Elizabeth thinks it was all her fault, but she doesn’t say anything because it’s more noble to suffer in silence.

Mr. Collins then confronts Ms. Dalton about what Lila said. She tells him about her past: she was married to a super rich guy named John Curtis. He was an abusive alcoholic, and eventually he committed suicide. His influential family blamed her and turned everyone against her, so she had to get out of town. That’s how she wound up in Sweet Valley. And she left Mr. Collins because George Fowler knew about her past and blackmailed her, basically. How romantic.

The two teachers confess their undying love for each other and Nora agrees to stay in Sweet Valley and stop hiding her past.

At some point later, Elizabeth runs into Mr. Collins as she’s running blindly into the woods. Rational. She tells him the fire was her fault. He convinces her to stay by telling her about Ms. Dalton, which is just weird. Meanwhile, Ms. Dalton is confessing everything about her past to the rest of the group, which is also weird. Does anyone else think Ms. Dalton is still entitled to some privacy? Why does she have to tell a bunch of teens about her secret past?!

Oh, Mr. Collins also tells Liz that everything Courtney’s said about her dad is bogus and the real reason she’s on this trip is because her dad can’t stand her and is hoping she’ll come back reformed after hanging out with the perfect Sweet Valley kids. Duh. He then urges Elizabeth to stay and fight for Todd.

LOL re that endeavor.

Just as Ms. Dalton finishes up her speech to a chorus of “we’re here for you!” Elizabeth takes center stage and blows the whistle on Courtney. What a night!

Liz thinks,

“All she had to do was push a little more, and Courtney’s veneer of sweetness would melt like cotton candy in the rain.”

Courtney says Liz is lying because she doesn’t want Todd to leave the trip, and then Liz says that’s not it, because she’s leaving the trip too, because the fire was her fault. GASP! But then Todd says, “Hey wait a minute, you weren’t the last one out—Courtney was, and she was SMOKING!” GASP!

Elizabeth and Todd finally make up, and thank God, because they are way more annoying apart than they are together.

In the final chapter, Elizabeth is back home, catching up with boring bestie Enid in the pool. We learn:

-that Courtney was put on a bus to her aunt’s house in Santa Cruz the morning after the fire raged and the campers told all

-that the group ran into Robbie October again on the road—and Barry helped him fix his bike tire (I find this more implausible than pretty much anything else in the book)

Enid says how glad she is Elizabeth is back (cough because you have no other friends cough)

“Know what, Enid?” Elizabeth says in closing, “As perfect as this summer turned out, I still missed Sweet Valley and all of you. I’m glad I’m back, too.”

SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part Three)

(Click here for Part Two if you missed it!)

CHAPTERS 10-13

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At night, Elizabeth wakes up to the sound of Courtney crying—and guess who is right beside her, saying everything is going to be OK? Todd! Of course! That idiot! For some reason, even as she listens to this, Saint Liz has to squelch her inner urge to go give Courtney a shoulder pat—but that ends when things quiet down, and Elizabeth inches closer to Todd…and sees that he’s holding Courtney’s hand in his sleep.

The next day, Jessica is stuck on dish duty with Barry and she’s an impossible bitch to him. Why do people like Jessica, guys?! She’s seriously so mean to poor Barry, who had the unfortunate luck of not being born gorgeous and having a genetic predisposition to loving pancakes way too much.

After Jessica is done with the dishes and making Barry suicidal, she brings everything to Lila, because it’s her turn to lug the cookware on her bike. Lila blackmails Miss Dalton into saying it’s her turn so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Remember, Lila knows Miss Dalton is not who she says she is. She’s someone even more pathetic, likely.

When Elizabeth confronts Todd about his torrid hand-holding affair with Courtney, he again is all like, duh? What am I doing wrong? You would think his relationship with Elizabeth would be more important to him than his friendship with a girl he’s known for like a week and will never see again after this trip is over, but no. This time, Elizabeth has a backbone and they break up. Yes! Todd is a huge buffoon and totally annoying, which is pretty much the worst thing you can be, even if you are also the star of the basketball team. Boy, bye.

More heartbreak ahead: Annie tells Liz that she overheard a-hole Bruce Patman and her slowly-reforming-a-hole crush, Charlie Cashman, talking about her. This is what she heard:

BRUCE: “Annie’s been with just about every guy at Sweet Valley.”

CHARLIE: “Maybe you’re right, Bruce.”

We’re told that Annie’s voice “wavered on the edge of hysteria” as she relayed the story. Yikes. Chill, Annie. It ain’t like you have a baby and you’re getting divorced and moving back home, that’s MY life.

ANYWAY. The group gets going but then they have a fight over where to spend the night, and Liz shoulder-pats Barry who thinks he cannot possibly ride another mile and wants to go home. Why doesn’t Barry just develop a crush on Liz instead? She looks like Jessica and she’s not a bitch. She is pretty lame though, I guess even Barry can see that. The group rides to the next stop before camping out for the night. I think it’s Big Sur or something, but who cares?

The next day, Jessica is playing Frisbee with the guys when she runs into Robbie October again. Her heart soars! Another chance with Robbie, with his muscular build and curly brown hair and shitty attitude! This time she and Robbie make plans to meet at the entrance to the campgrounds at midnight. Bow chicka bow bow. Or however you spell it. Jess then makes up with Lila so she can share a tent with her that night and sneak out to meet Robbie. Again, Jessica sucks. She should be making up with Lila because Lila is generally awesome and a loyal friend.

Later, we’re treated to a rather pointless scene where Ms. Dalton is swimming in the ocean and encounters a stingray. She screams and is saved by Mr. Collins. The pair almost give into the fact that they so obviously miss each other but then she pulls away. Yawn.

In the early morning, Lila wakes up and discovers Jessica snuck out. She says, and I quote, “Darn her!”

Li knows exactly what happened but doesn’t tell on Jess because “tattling was for goody-goodies like Olivia Davidson, or nerds like Barry Cooper, not for people like Lila Fowler.” She is nervous though, and wonders where she should draw the line between tattling and getting help for someone who might need it. While wondering, she falls back to sleep.

A few hours later, it’s time to get up, and Jessica still isn’t back. After the whole group pounces on Lila, she finally gives up trying to cover for Jess and says she thinks she went hiking in the woods with Robbie last night and that they were going to see a waterfall. Mr. Collins quickly organizes the kids into search parties and stay-and-wait parties. Awkwardly, Todd and Elizabeth have to go together, because Todd knows where the waterfall is and Elizabeth has twintuition. And then Courtney volunteers to go with them too, which Todd thinks is soooooo nice. I really hate Todd, guys. Charlie, Roger Barrett, and Barry go with Mr. Collins.

While the other kids wait at camp, Annie and Bruce start fighting about what she overheard and Bruce tells her she took off too soon and didn’t hear the end of Charlie’s statement. What he ACTUALLY said was, “Maybe you’re right Bruce, but I don’t think so.” OH EM GEE.

While Todd, Elizabeth, and Courtney search for Jessica, Courtney fakes sick and says she better head back to camp. She volunteers to do this alone but Todd insists on going with her to make sure she’s OK. And he leaves Elizabeth alone in the woods to find Jessica. Wow, just when you think he couldn’t be any more of an asshole to Elizabeth.

That’s where I will conclude for now. Please ponder the following.

WHERE IS JESSICA? WILL SHE EVER BE FOUND? DO YOU CARE? WOULD LILA AUTOMATICALLY BECOME A BIGGER PART OF THE SWEET VALLEY FRANCHISE IF SHE NEVER SHOWS UP?

(Click here for Part 4!)

SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part Two)

(Click here for Part One if you missed it!)

CHAPTERS 5-9

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At this point, Elizabeth is still trying to convince herself that Todd isn’t a total shitbag (something she continues to do for like, years, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary) and Jessica has laid eyes on/fallen in love with/vowed to make hers Robbie October. What a freaking name! Nothing low-rent-porn-star about that, no way.

Robbie is described as “a suntanned boy with chestnut-colored curls wearing a pair of well-worn jeans and a tight black T-shirt that revealed his muscular arms.” A girl named Sally tells Jessica that Robbie and his brother, Danny, are also riding their bikes up the coast but they’re not part of a lame high school trip like Jessica is. They are also “totally wild”– and that makes Jessica more intrigued than ever.

We’re treated to a laughable letter Courtney writes to her badseed boyfriend, Nolan. It starts with “I’m holding my breath until I see you again” and ends with “Party extra hard for both of us.” In the middle, she calls him “darling.” I think that’s all you guys need to know about that.

Later that day there’s a questionable dance party during which Jessica “whirls around” with Mr. Collins and laughs in fat kid Barry Cooper’s face when he asks her to dance. Jessica is such a bitch, you guys. Why does anyone like her? Courtney “sashays” up to Todd and somehow wraps a silk scarf around his arm and pulls him toward her. Then he just “grins sheepishly” at Liz who goes and sits in the corner with a root beer. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

That night, the first part of Jessica and Lila’s plan to get rid of Courtney goes into effect—or at least it’s supposed to go into effect. It gets botched up but it’s so stupid that it wouldn’t have mattered either way. I’ll just say the situation involves lime Jell-o at the bottom of Ms. Dalton’s sleeping bag. Right? You don’t care to hear more.

Dinner the next night is at a restaurant and Courtney excuses herself early, saying she has a headache. Guess who suggests someone should maybe go back to camp with her? Todd! Of course! She refuses, because she doesn’t need to be nauseous on top of everything else I guess. When Todd and Elizabeth are swimming in a lake later, he casually mentions that it’s too bad Courtney had to miss out on all the fun. Mind you, it’s just TODD AND ELIZABETH in the lake. FINALLY Elizabeth loses it and they have a fight. Todd makes a bunch of stupid excuses about Courtney needing help and then tells Elizabeth that Courtney’s dad, the hotshot Hollywood producer, is a hopeless alcoholic. So there, Elizabeth! Feel bad for Courtney now! Elizabeth is skeptical about this story but she and Todd eventually make up.

Next up: Jessica makes her first play for Robbie October.

“‘Bart! Bart Templeton! Wow, you’re the last person in the world I expected to see here.’ She ran up to Robbie and threw her arms around his neck.”

Yup, that’s Jessica Wakefield’s game. Pretend to mistake the guy for somebody else. Shockingly, the whole thing is awkward and Jessica doesn’t get an automatic pass for being blonde and beautiful. Robbie has disdain for the fact that Jessica is with a group and tells her he’s going to a bar. LOLz.

Later, Lila is relaxing solo in the common room of the hostel when she starts talking to two guys, Pat and Don, who are with another group. They ask her if one of her group leaders is “that pretty, dark-haired woman.” Through gritted teeth, Lila says yes, “Nora Dalton” is one of the leaders.

“Strange,” says Pat. “She looks exactly like Beth Curtis, this woman who used to teach at the high school we go to back in Arizona. She disappeared about a year and a half ago.”

Of course, a year and half is exactly how long Nora Dalton has been at Sweet Valley High, teaching French and dating Lila’s dad and ruining Lila’s life.

“What did Beth Curtis teach?” Lila asks.

“French.”

Dun dun dunnn.

Awesomely Lila doesn’t make us wait chapters and chapters before she confronts Ms. Dalton. “I met someone who knows you,” she says. “But, funny, he seemed to think your name was…Beth Curtis!”

Ms. Dalton has no game face, so Lila immediately has confirmation that she changed her identity and has something to hide.

Let’s all just bask in Lila’s awesomeness a little bit, OK? I don’t remember this book very well at all, and even though Ms. Dalton is probably running from her past because of some kind of Sleeping With the Enemy situation, I can’t help but cheer Lila on because Ms. Dalton was such a dope about the Jell-O incident.

Stay tuned for Part Three!