SVT #3: The Haunted House

OK, first…as everyone knows, I love me some Lila Fowler. She didn’t have to be a “California blonde” to feel good about herself and she frequently put Jessica Wakefield in her place. That said, the amount of bullying in this book is pretty atrocious, and Lila is responsible for most of it. It actually kind of gave me anxiety, guys. But it IS almost Halloween, so I give you this recap for Sweet Valley Twins No. 3, The Haunted House. Let’s check out the cover. 20191013_125454

This is our first glimpse of Nora Mercandy. I think they were trying to show her as blissfully unaware of what people were saying about her, but the facial expressions of each person here are so different that it’s just weird. Jessica’s whispering something in Elizabeth’s ear, and judging by the look on Elizabeth’s face, it’s, “Psst…Lizzie, you’re wearing that weird orange sweater with the big-ass diamond on it.” I assume the house in the background with the shadowy figure in the upstairs window is supposed to be the Mercandy mansion.

Anyway, we open with the twins riding their bikes home from the library. They decide to ride down Camden Drive, which they usually avoid completely because it’s where the Mercandy mansion is located.

“The Mercandy mansion was old and rundown. It looked like an old haunted house in the movies. Jessica and Elizabeth had heard a lot of rumors about the people who lived there. Most of them involved Mrs. Mercandy. She was said to be a witch who kept her crazy husband locked in the attic. The strange lights and shadows that appeared some nights in the attic windows seemed to prove the stories true.”

We’re told that about a week earlier, the twins saw a dark-haired girl that looked about their age get out of a cab and go into the mansion. We’re also told the girl had a “cardboard suitcase.” What? A cardboard suitcase? Was that a thing in 1986? Isn’t that just…a box? Good thing it never rains in Sweet Valley!

As the twins are cruising by, they see the girl again! They stop and gawk at her for a bit, but she doesn’t notice. Is that what the cover is supposed to be showing us? I don’t think the twins were quite that close to Nora, cover illustrator.

The girls go home and tell their family about what they saw. We’re told Steven “doesn’t get excited easily.” Maybe try bringing Aaron Dallas around! The twins’ parents do pretty much nothing to discourage the idea that Mrs. Mercandy is a witch, then announce they’re going out to dinner with friends and leave. #ParentingGoals

Jessica decides to go swimming while her parents are gone, even though it’s cold out and the Wakefields turned off the pool heater last week.

The next morning, she’s sick and stays home from school. And that’s too bad because that’s the day Nora Mercandy makes her debut. Just hearing the name Mercandy is enough to get everyone nervous and weird, and Elizabeth gets stuck volunteering to show Nora around because it’s just so damn awkward when no one wants to. Nora has a horrible day where she notices everyone whispering around her and gawking at her.

Lizzie finds Nora at lunch. She fills Nora in on the fact that the Unicorns are little bitches, but doesn’t mention that everyone thinks she lives in a haunted house with a witch and a crazy man.

The girls head to gym class. Nora doesn’t have a gym suit and Elizabeth mentions that she and her “sister” have extras and she’ll bring Nora one tomorrow. WTF is a gym suit? It sounds like something the school should be supplying.

Elizabeth finds out that Nora is Mr. and Mrs. Mercandy’s granddaughter. She’s living with them because her father died when she was a baby and her mother died last year. Jesus.

Later, Lila trips Nora. Then she follows Nora on the walk home saying shit loudly about Transylvania and the “weird Mercandys.”

When Elizabeth gets home she fills Jessica in on Nora and tries to convince her that she’s a nice girl and not a witch. She’s unsuccessful.

The next day, Elizabeth is sick and stays home. She makes Jessica promise to give Nora the gym suit. Before gym, however, Nora is totally confused about why Elizabeth is now ignoring her, hanging out with the Unicorns, and acting like a terrible human being. Jessica forgot the gym suit (shocking!) but is still decent enough to explain to Nora. That’s when Nora finds out this is Jessica, Elizabeth’s evil twin.

The gym teacher lets Nora participate because they’re playing tennis and need an even number of students. It turns out Nora is quite good at tennis. Lila challenges her to a game and bets her a cloisonné pen for Nora’s silver-plated compact. Nora wins and reluctantly takes the pen.

The next day, Lila accuses Nora of stealing her pen. She also says, “Anyone can see that Nora Mercandy is too poor to afford a pen that good.” OMG GUYS LILA IS THE WORST IN THIS BOOK.

While the teacher talks to Nora outside, Lila and Ellen turn the whole class against Nora and convince them she’s a witch and that her grandmother killed Janet’s mom’s cat. It doesn’t help when Randy Mason (He’s Randy Masion in this book) says that his uncle works for a mortuary and delivered two coffins to the Mercandy mansion.

Cute seventh-grader Rick Hunter introduces himself to Nora. He’d like to play tennis with her one day and seems to be the only person besides Elizabeth (and Amy) that doesn’t believe the crazy rumors about Nora and her family. Guess who has a crush on Rick Hunter? If you said Lila, it’s almost like you’ve read YA books before.

Later that afternoon in math class, Lila switches her quiz with Nora’s. So, she gets an A and Nora gets a D. Finally, Elizabeth tells Nora what everyone thinks. Nora resolves to change their minds by letting Lila and the Unicorns come over and meet her grandmother.

The next day is Saturday. Elizabeth tells Jessica to get the Unicorns over to the Mercandy mansion, and for some reason, all of the girls agree to go. They run into Bruce Patman and Charlie Cashman on the way there and they tag along. When they get there, Nora. Elizabeth, and Amy are setting up punch and napkins and stuff, which really makes me want to cry. Just as everyone’s about to relax, Nora’s grandfather comes outside and scares the crap out of everyone. He’s saying, “Nor-Nor-Nor…” and walking stiffly. Everyone thinks he’s a zombie. Even Elizabeth and Amy are freaked out (but they don’t think he’s a zombie.)

Things get worse for Nora from there. Lila and the Unicorns decide to make Nora their “slave,” which means they send Nora out for cookies during study hall, but it’s honestly all horrible and disgusting.

Later that week, they decide to pretend to want to be Nora’s friend so they can get her to go to Lila’s Halloween party. They convince her to dress up like a witch and then everyone will…I don’t know, point and laugh, I guess? Nora falls for it and comes up with the most grotesque witch costume anyone has ever seen. And while Nora’s at the party being humiliated, Bruce and Charlie and some other boys will go to the Mercandy mansion to vandalize it.

Halloween arrives. Liz is a clown and Jessica is a hula girl along with Lila and Ellen. The three of them win “prettiest costume.” Barf.

At the party, Lila tries to hit on Rick Hunter and is rebuffed. Ha! Nora overhears some other kids talking about the plan and rightfully loses her shit. She screams that she hates everyone and runs home. Elizabeth follows her, as does Rick, Amy, and Jessica, because she’s afraid what will happen to her sister if she goes into the Mercandy mansion. That’s sweet, but I don’t understand how Liz hasn’t already been inside if she was helping Nora set up the other day. Whatever. Apparently some other kids and Unicorns go, too.

Nora gets there just in time to stop Bruce from doing too much damage. She runs inside the house and eventually everyone follows her.

Inside, we find out the truth: Mrs. Mercandy is a nice old lady and Mr. Mercandy used to be a famous magician, Marvelous Marvin. He suffered a stroke some time ago, which affects his speech. He can’t perform anymore, but he still sometimes does tricks for fun…in the attic. He then puts on a fabulous show for the kids, who are amazed and ashamed. Little jerks.

Lila says, “I, uh…guess you aren’t a witch, after all.” For some reason Nora accepts this “apology.”

OK, big question: if you thought someone you knew was a witch, WHY would you terrorize them? Wouldn’t you want to get on their good side, if anything? Lila is not only mean in this book, she’s stupid. I’d like to pretend this never happened, thank you for your support.

SVT #11: Buried Treasure

(Click here for recap of SVT #10: One of the Gang)

First, I have a question: why wasn’t Ellen Riteman ever intergrated into the Sweet Valley High series? She’s delightful. Francine, if you’re listening, I’d love to know what happened to Ellen after Sweet Valley Twins.

OK, let’s look at the cover. First, this is a big fail because that definitely looks like Elizabeth and it’s Ellen and Jessica who find the buried treasure. Elizabeth was off being dorky with Amy Sutton at the time. Other than that, this does appear to be an actual scene in the book. So close to being an excellent cover, but nobody noticed that this is the wrong twin!

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We open at the Riteman house. Ellen’s little brother, Mark, wants to bury his dead bird in the backyard. Grim. Ellen and Jessica begrudgingly decide to help him. As Mark is digging, he hits something that makes a strange clanging sound. It turns out to be a metal box. I have to admit this would be pretty exciting, even as an adult. I’d probably also be worried that it was a bomb or something, because I am a paranoid freak.

Ellen and Jessica don’t want to share whatever’s in the box with Mark, so Jessica fakes injuring her ankle (she was on crutches in Sweet Valley Twins #10, One of the Gang). They make Mark run down the street to the Wakefields’ to retrieve Jessica’s crutches and while he’s gone, they break open the box.

Inside: some really over-the-top love letters (the girls think they are SOOOO ROMANTIC), two old photographs of a man and a woman and $200 cash. Naturally, Ellen and Jessica don’t want to split the money with Mark so they agree to take $100 each and never tell a soul. When Mark returns with the crutches, they pretend to open the box for the first time and find only letters and photographs. Mark is suspicious, but he’s like, 8, so there’s not a whole lot he can do.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is running for class treasurer. Didn’t she just run for president? How many elections does Sweet Valley Middle School have? Amy is her campaign manager. Amy is also in charge of collecting money the sixth graders make selling candy bars for a class trip. Sounds like a job for the class treasurer, no? Something is amiss if you ask me, but hey, it’s Sweet Valley.

Anyway. The class trip money goes missing (GASP!) JUST AFTER Jessica and Ellen show up with their new things. Jessica bought a Walkman (oh, 1986!) and Ellen bought earrings. Ellen says her aunt sent her the earrings as a gift and Jessica says she found the Walkman on a bench at the Valley Mall. Suspicions rise. Rumors swirl. Elizabeth becomes increasingly fretful when she discovers that Jessica never sold any of her chocolate bars. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything.

Elizabeth confides her fear that Jessica is a thief in Amy, which was a terrible idea. Amy, in effort to get the heat off herself since she was in charge of the money, immediately starts publicly pointing the finger at Jess and Ellen. It’s a glimpse of Amy’s future as a Super Bitch.

During all of this, Peter is trying to repair his image. We’re told he always wears brown shoes and socks. Then one day he gets white shoes but he still wears the brown socks. The Unicorns make fun of him mercilessly. Where are Peter’s parents? Don’t they realize this isn’t a good look?

Eventually, Amy becomes Peter’s campaign manager instead. His new campaign is “Rockin’ Peter.” Ooohhkaay.

Jessica and Ellen become the prime suspects in the case of the missing class trip money and they can’t stand everybody hating them so they decide to come clean, even though that means having to give some money to Mark. Oh, they’re also motivated to tell the truth because Ms. Wyler is bringing her suspicions to their parents, and because this is the 80s, the parents will be alarmed and ask their children to explain rather than be offended and threaten the teacher for even THINKING SUCH THINGS.

While the girls are waiting on Ellen’s front steps, someone starts to walk down the street. A woman. She looks familiar…OMG IT’S THE WOMAN FROM THE PHOTOGRAPH! SHE’S COME TO GET HER MONEY BACK! IT’S A GHOST! (This is the scene you see on the cover.)

Turns out, the woman is the granddaughter of the woman in the photograph. She wanted to come see where her grandmother grew up. Mrs. Wakefield and Mrs. Riteman arrive and Jessica and Ellen spill out the whole story about the backyard and the box and the money. The woman is poring over the letters and tells them that her grandmother didn’t marry the man who wrote them, even though he was her true love. Bummer. The whole thing inspires her to marry the guy she loves though even though her friends and family are against him. Now, it’s none of my business, but if everyone you know isn’t into the guy you’re dating, maybe they have a good reason. The woman lets Jessica and Ellen keep the money as a reward, and Mrs. Riteman makes them give Mark $50.

Then everyone has dinner at the Wakefields’.

I wish someone would give me $50 and dinner at the Wakefields’.

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MONEY?

While they’re working on the Sixers, Mr. Bowman sends Elizabeth and Amy to the supply closet to get some stuff. While they are digging around in there, Mr. Nydick comes and shuts the door and they get locked in. Good job, Mr. Nydick. The girls discover the class trip money underneath a pile of math posters—Ms. Wyler left the money in there by accident and forgot about it. What a dumbass.

Everyone makes up and Elizabeth wins the treasurer election. How could Rockin’ Peter lose?! Just one more Sweet Valley injustice.

(Click here for the recap of SVT #12: Keeping Secrets)

SVH #12: When Love Dies

What kind of mood must one be in to think that reading this title would be a fine distraction from life? Let’s look at the cover. There’s Steven, looking like a confused dork, and the not-long-for-this-world Tricia Martin, who looks like she dying in the 1880s rather than the 1980s. Seriously, what is this getup?

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We open with Jessica bursting into the Wakefield’s kitchen, asking Steven why he isn’t saying hello to his favorite sister. Um, maybe because Elizabeth isn’t there. Just a wild guess. Steve is glum. He’s down, he’s out, he’s everything in between. His girlfriend, Tricia, who reminds him of a porcelin doll (barf) has been distant, and he doesn’t understand. What could have happened to their love? He’s determined to get to the bottom of things.

Jessica thinks he has no reason to be upset. Good riddance to trash, she says. You see, the Martins live on the “bad” side of Sweet Valley in a dilapidated house. Tricia’s mom is dead. Tricia’s dad is an alcoholic. Tricia’s sister Betsy is a badseed. But Tricia is an angel, and Steven is in love.

He drives to Tricia’s house. We’re told that the street is littered with garbage and the paint on her house is peeling, but sweet Tricia never complains that she lives in such a hellhole. I mean, it’s still rather close to the Valley Mall, isn’t it?

He confronts her in her room and she says pretty much absolutely nothing when he says things like, “You’re tired of me, aren’t you? You’ve found someone else, haven’t you?” He takes her non-responses as confirmation that it’s over and leaves the house in great distress. As soon as he’s gone, she breaks down, thinking it’s better off for Steven if he hates her.

Now we learn that Tricia was recently diagnosed with leukemia and has about six months to live. She thinks her death will be too painful for Steven so she chooses to let him believe she cheated on him. Makes sense. Not like he’ll ever find out she died after the fact?!?!?

Elsewhere, Jessica is delighting in two things: 1, trying to fix Steven up with her BFF (at least until she moves to London and Lila Fowler takes over) Cara Walker and 2, signing up to be a candy striper at the hospital because she heard that local talk show host, Jeremy Frank, is a patient there. Jess considers him a celebrity and knows that if she can get close to him, he’ll make her a star. Oh, to be 16 and devious.

She convinces Elizabeth to be a candy striper with her. Jess is assigned to the maternity ward, where she has no chance of running into Jeremy Frank, while Elizabeth meets him on her first day. The two chat about journalism and he thinks Liz is great. Jess seethes with jealousy. PS: Jeremy has a broken leg.

Jessica convinces Cara to throw an impromptu party at her house with the sole purpose of getting Steven to go. What kind of college freshman wants to go to a high school party with his sister? That would be Steven Wakefield, everyone. Steve goes and reluctantly spends time with Cara, who shamefully tries to sink her claws into him and starts telling him unfounded lies about how she heard Tricia moved on with another guy. She was seen “hanging all over some guy” at the pharmacy.

Ah yes, the pharmacy! Where romance blooms. (We later find out that this guy was a stranger who happened to be standing there when Tricia collapsed.)

Later that week, Jessica finds her way into Jeremy Frank’s room. She makes a complete ass of herself. Spills water on him, nearly breaks his broken leg again, etc. He screams for a nurse who tells her to get the fuck out.

Elizabeth is enjoying her time volunteering at the hospital and helping the patients (even the ones who aren’t locally famous) except for the fact that there’s a strange orderly, Carl, who is always looking at her and making her uncomfortable. The fact that Liz is too nice and a product of her time means she doesn’t raise the flag about this guy’s creepy behavior to anyone.

One day, Liz runs into Tricia at the hospital. Trish says she’s visiting a friend. Liz is like, “Oh, cool.”

When Liz sees Tricia again at school (Tricia is still going to school?! WHY? She’s going to die soon, is tired AF and apparently doesn’t have any friends because she’s eating lunch alone outside) she asks her about her friend and Tricia says it’s one of those things that isn’t going to get better. It’s really awkward. She doesn’t say anything about Steven because she respects her brother’s privacy. Then Jessica and Cara come up and start talking about the AMAZING party Cara threw and how much FUN Steven had and how Steven’s taking Cara to a college party next weekend. Jessica and Cara are turds.

Back to the hospital. Jeremy Frank is desperate to get Jessica to leave him alone, so he and Liz come up with a plan. Jeremy is to start acting like he’s so into Jessica that she gets scared off. Ridiculously, he agrees to ASK JESSICA TO MARRY HIM. Jeremy is like, 25 or something, and Jessica is 16. Jeremy could be arrested for being romantically interested in Jessica. Major eyeroll at this subplot.

Initially, the plan works—Jessica is freaked out and takes off. But then she reconsiders, thinking how an engagement would be super fun and bring her lots of attention, and it’s not like she’d actually marry Jeremy, she’d just use him for fame then move on. Eventually, Liz and Jeremy come clean about their plan. It’s all really stupid.

Liz sees Tricia at the hospital again—but this time, she’s clearly a patient. Liz GASPS. Tricia tells her the bad news and refuses to let her tell Steven. Liz promises she won’t but she feels AWFUL just AWFUL.

Steven takes Cara to that college party and Cara makes the mistake of saying something derogatory about Tricia. Steven freaks out and yells at Cara about how he LOVES TRICIA. Then he takes Cara home. Womp womp.

After consulting with Mr. Collins, Liz decides to break her promise to Tricia and tell Steven what’s going on. He heads straight to Tricia’s. She’s pale, gaunt, and dying but still beautiful, obvi.

The two have a tearful reunion and vow to always love each other and stuff and enjoy the time they have left. I guess she doesn’t die until the next book or the one after, I can’t remember.

In closing, we have the setup for No. 13—Carl the orderly rips Liz from her Jeep on the night of the Morrows’ party.

Basically all of this book is setup for the next few books. How did Francine let this happen? And again, what the hell is Tricia wearing?

SVT #75: Jessica and the Earthquake

Honestly, this was one of my favorite Twins books ever. Despite the fact that Jessica gets away with a crazy scheme. Despite the fact that the whole plot is completely ridiculous. And despite the fact that my beloved Lila comes out looking like a rather humorless tool.

Let’s look at the cover.

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Jessica is in bed, wearing her grandmother’s pajamas. Appropriately, the pajamas are purple, as is her blanket. The tipped-over lamp next to her bed and the crooked picture above her head tell us an earthquake is in effect. The first few lines of the book tell us that there’s a bookshelf above Jessica’s head, not a picture, and that Jessica wakes up at precisely 3:42 AM—not 3:46, as depicted here. Come on, guys! Would it have been that hard to match up the details?

Anyway. Jessica wakes up during the earthquake, decides it’s a garbage truck, and goes back to sleep. The next morning, however her father (hi, Ned!) and the news tell her that there was an earthquake during the night—a small one (registered 3.2 on the Richter scale) that everyone slept right through. Except Jessica.

“You must be really sensitive to the vibrations or something,” says Elizabeth. *Headdesk* And just like that, Jessica decides she not only as a special sensitivity to earthquakes, but can PREDICT THEM. And she tells everyone at school about her superpowers.

Our B-plot concerns Steven. (I love 14-year-old Steven. 18-year-old Steven in Sweet Valley High, not so much.) While he waits for his girlfriend, Cathy Connors, to arrive at his house so they can ride their bikes to school together (aww), he catches a music video on TV (this book was published in 1994). The band is the Katybugs (horrible name) and the song is “Does this Make Sense?”

“The video opened with a shot of a field of cattle, then the camera zoomed in on one cow. Then one of the band members was standing beside it, and a diagram was superimposed on the cow. The lead singer started to point out different sections of the animal. ‘Prime rib, filet mignon, shank,’ he sang. ‘Delmonico, T-bone, flank.’”

What a fucking shit song.

Still, the song and video inspire Steven, who eats like 87 hamburgers a day, to vow to stop eating meat. Cathy Connors is skeptical. Same, Cathy Connors. Also skeptical are Steven’s best friend, Joe Howell (brother of Janet) and his parents—but Ned and Alice are supportive, saying they will do some grocery shopping for things he likes. My parents would have told me to eat what they made or starve.

Back to the twins. They’re finding out quickly that the only one in school who woke up for the earthquake was Jessica. Jess is of course lapping up the attention, and her story about what she witnessed gets embellished every time she tells it. Lila and Unicorn club president Janet Howell are appropriately annoyed, and vow to somehow embarrass Jessica by catching her in her lie.

Elizabeth and Amy, on a quest to write a story about the earthquake for the Sixers, hope for an aftershock over the next week and vow to stay up every single night waiting for one, just in case.

Dumb plan. A lot of vowing going on in this book. And we’re not done—Lloyd Benson, a nerd who may only make an appearance in this book, I’m not sure, vows to follow Jessica around for “research.” Everyone calls Lloyd “Lloyd Bunsen Burner.” Clever. He’s supposed to be smart, but he seems to believe that Jessica does have a special sense for earthquakes. Lloyd basically stalks Jessica for the rest of the book, carrying a “little briefcase” and saying things like, “Jessica, I have been researching the fault lines under Sweet Valley” and “What’s your reading of the seismic activity this afternoon?”

Meanwhile, Steven is annoying the shit out of everyone by telling them horror stories about meat. Eventually no one wants to eat with him anymore. “Steven sat alone in the crowded lunchroom, staring down into his bowl of cold, smelly broccoli.” That Cathy Connors is a lucky girl!

Lila and Janet decide to have an earthquake party so they can force Jessica into “predicting” the next quake and delight in her embarrassment when it doesn’t happen. Jessica predicts that there will be another earthquake on Thursday. Word spreads about the party, and everyone is set to go. Like, EVERYONE.

The night before the party, Jessica confesses to Elizabeth that she can’t predict earthquakes. Liz is like, duh. Jessica is freaking out over her pending embarrassment. The girls bond in the kitchen late at night while Elizabeth is making “some of her parents’ coffee” because she and Amy are still trying to stay awake all night. It’s noted that she’s only had a few sips of coffee ever in her 12 years. Oh, 1994. I miss you. These days, kids are lining up at Starbucks by age 10.

It’s been about four days since Steven gave up meat and he’s losing his mind. He’s tried several times to cheat on his diet but he always loses the opportunity at the last second. Meanwhile, everyone is congratulating him for lasting so long. Again, it’s been less than a week.

Party day. Jessica prays for an earthquake (like, to GOD) and does an earthquake dance in her room. “Earthquake, earthquake, please come soon. If you don’t come, I’ll be ruined,” she chants while she hope around on one foot with her hand on her head.

The party is held in Lila’s almost-as-nice-as-the-rest-of her-mansion basement. She serves milkshakes and rock candy, which is actually pretty cute. She and Janet also make a huge sheet cake decorated to look like Sweet Valley and cut it down the middle with a jagged knife. Also pretty cute. Keep in mind, it’s 1994, so these girls don’t even have Pinterest.

Jessica, having slept poorly the night before due to stress, spends most of the party flopped on a couch, yawning, while Lloyd blabs about tectonic plates. Baited by Lila, she eventually further predicts that the earthquake will happen by 8:30 PM.

8:30 comes and goes. No earthquake.

By 9:15, people are starting to leave and everyone’s talking about what a loser Jessica is. She finds a corner of the basement with a bean bag chair and a hot water heater and decides to hide out there. She falls asleep. By 9:30, Lila announces that she’s going to bring out the cake and then the party is over. Everyone grumbles their disappointment about there being no earthquake. Lila makes her way down the stairs with the cake. Everyone marvels over how cool it is. Then—

YOU GUESSED IT!

“Earthquake!” Everyone yells. Chaos ensues. Lila plunges headfirst into the cake, which is total BS because she totally would have had Mrs. Pervis bring the cake downstairs rather than do it herself in any other book.

Alone in the house, as his parent have left to pick the twins up from the party, Steven goes hog wild in the kitchen. He finds a jar of leftover homemade spaghetti sauce, made with Ned’s sausage meatballs. Um, yum? He grabs the jar and then—

EARTHQUAKE.

“’Earthquake!’ Steven cried. He was so startled, he dropped the jar of spaghetti sauce. It exploded on the floor, glass shattering, tomato sauce spreading in a flood of red. A meatball bounced underneath the refrigerator. ‘Arrgh!’ Steven cried. ‘Couldn’t the stupid earthquake have waited until I was finished eating?!’”

Back at Lila’s, Elizabeth can’t find Jessica, because she slept through the earthquake she predicted. She and Amy snap a pic of Jess asleep in the bean bag chair and then put it on the cover of the Sixers, with the headline “SECOND SWEET VALLEY QUAKE IS A REAL SNOOZE.” A pic of Lila climbing out of the cake is also in the issue.

Later, the twins catch Steven chowing down at Hughie’s Burger Shack and he admits he wants to go back to eating meat and stop giving everyone such a hard time about their diets. They all laugh together about what losers they are, and everything turns out perfect for the Wakefield kids, like always.

Not that I would have it any other way. J

SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part Four)

(Click here for Part Three if you missed it!)

CHAPTERS 14-END

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At the end of the last chapter, we were all wondering: WHERE IS JESSICA? The answer: trapped in a cave with Robbie October, trying not to get eaten by a bear. And people wonder why I am not into nature. This is what I read growing up!

Jessica (and Robbie, by extension) are saved by Jessica’s biggest fan, bumbling dork Barry Cooper. In fact, he RISKS HIS LIFE for her, which is completely ridiculous, seeing as how she has treated him like crap since the beginning of the trip. Barry also reveals himself to know a few things about black bears, and we get this sentence: “Elizabeth and Mr. Collins exchanged a look of total astonishment. Who would have guessed that under his insecure, butter-fingered pudgy exterior, Barry was an expert on animals.”

OH MY GOD. YOU GUYS.

Basically, Barry provokes the bear to chase him so Jessica can get out of the cave. The whole thing is a major eyeroll. When one of the bear’s cubs begins to cry, she turns around. For his efforts, he gets a couple of kisses on the cheek from Jessica, which, given what we know about Barry, is the most action he’s gotten…ever.

In the next scene, Annie and Charlie, perhaps motivated by the knowledge that you can die quickly in the woods when you’re surrounded by idiots, come clean about their feelings for each other. All is well for them. Aw.

Later that night, Jessica is toasting marshmallows for Barry at the campfire, and when he says she doesn’t have to be so nice to him she basically says she knows, and it won’t last. Way to be gracious.

Jess’ next mission is to make up with Lila (understandable). Once they straighten things out, Lila confides in Jessica about Ms. Dalton’s secret past.

Then comes this passage:

“The coast was clear. Courtney had watched Elizabeth carefully extinguish the last smoldering embers of the camp fire with sand, until not one glowing speck remained. After what seemed like forever. Elizabeth turned her back on the camp fire and disappeared inside her tent.”

Did you get that, guys? Elizabeth put the fire out. FOR SURE.

Courtney then exits her tent and goes to find Todd. She tells him she has to talk to him about her dad and acts really scared. Todd says he’ll be right out. While she waits, she has a cigarette. (A Marlboro, in case you were wondering.)

We learn that Courtney called her father and claimed to be a changed teenager, now in love with goody-goody Todd and a goody-goody herself. Her dad agrees she can return home with Todd.

As Todd comes out, Courtney “carelessly” flicks her cigarette into the bushes. She tells him she called her dad and he sounded like he was a drunk mess, and she simply must go home to make sure he’s OK. She wants Todd to come with her. And I guess live with her, since she talks about how it can be scary to be alone in the house with her drunk dad. Todd agrees. *Headdesk.*

Later that night, Elizabeth wakes up and sees/smells the fire. She rightfully freaks out and wakes everybody up. They all start trying to put the fire out. In the chaos, Lila blurts out that Ms. Dalton had a husband, and even though the woods are literally burning down around them Mr. Collins is all like, “Say what?!”

Eventually the gang puts out the fire. Elizabeth thinks it was all her fault, but she doesn’t say anything because it’s more noble to suffer in silence.

Mr. Collins then confronts Ms. Dalton about what Lila said. She tells him about her past: she was married to a super rich guy named John Curtis. He was an abusive alcoholic, and eventually he committed suicide. His influential family blamed her and turned everyone against her, so she had to get out of town. That’s how she wound up in Sweet Valley. And she left Mr. Collins because George Fowler knew about her past and blackmailed her, basically. How romantic.

The two teachers confess their undying love for each other and Nora agrees to stay in Sweet Valley and stop hiding her past.

At some point later, Elizabeth runs into Mr. Collins as she’s running blindly into the woods. Rational. She tells him the fire was her fault. He convinces her to stay by telling her about Ms. Dalton, which is just weird. Meanwhile, Ms. Dalton is confessing everything about her past to the rest of the group, which is also weird. Does anyone else think Ms. Dalton is still entitled to some privacy? Why does she have to tell a bunch of teens about her secret past?!

Oh, Mr. Collins also tells Liz that everything Courtney’s said about her dad is bogus and the real reason she’s on this trip is because her dad can’t stand her and is hoping she’ll come back reformed after hanging out with the perfect Sweet Valley kids. Duh. He then urges Elizabeth to stay and fight for Todd.

LOL re that endeavor.

Just as Ms. Dalton finishes up her speech to a chorus of “we’re here for you!” Elizabeth takes center stage and blows the whistle on Courtney. What a night!

Liz thinks,

“All she had to do was push a little more, and Courtney’s veneer of sweetness would melt like cotton candy in the rain.”

Courtney says Liz is lying because she doesn’t want Todd to leave the trip, and then Liz says that’s not it, because she’s leaving the trip too, because the fire was her fault. GASP! But then Todd says, “Hey wait a minute, you weren’t the last one out—Courtney was, and she was SMOKING!” GASP!

Elizabeth and Todd finally make up, and thank God, because they are way more annoying apart than they are together.

In the final chapter, Elizabeth is back home, catching up with boring bestie Enid in the pool. We learn:

-that Courtney was put on a bus to her aunt’s house in Santa Cruz the morning after the fire raged and the campers told all

-that the group ran into Robbie October again on the road—and Barry helped him fix his bike tire (I find this more implausible than pretty much anything else in the book)

Enid says how glad she is Elizabeth is back (cough because you have no other friends cough)

“Know what, Enid?” Elizabeth says in closing, “As perfect as this summer turned out, I still missed Sweet Valley and all of you. I’m glad I’m back, too.”

SVT #20: Playing Hooky

Not to brag, but I cut school a lot in my day (I’m totally kidding, I realize that is not something to brag about) but I never did so with the intention of doing anything as cool as meeting my favorite TV star. That’s the basis of this book, Playing Hooky. Let’s look at the cover.

I believe this is Elizabeth-as-Jessica, evidenced by the sheer terror on her face. Seriously, she looks like she’s facing down a predator, not the school principal (although, what do we REALLY know about Mr. Clark?)

We open with Elizabeth and Jessica at the mall. They’re waiting in line because Jessica is purchasing some sweet purple sneakers. She says they are just what she needs to win the championship basketball game later that week. I actually think purchasing new shoes just before a big game is probably a bad move, but what do I know, I am not a Wakefield twin, nor have I ever played basketball.

While they’re waiting, Lila Fowler walks by, waving her father’s black card. I’m kidding, Lila knows that wealth doesn’t talk, it whispers. But Lila is SCREAMING about the news that KENT KELLERMAN is at the mall RIGHT NOW. There’s a ton of commotion. Jessica freaks out and Elizabeth agrees to wait in line so her sister can go stalk Kent.

It turns out that Kent ISN’T actually at the mall. However, he is going to be coming to Sweet Valley that week to shoot some scenes for his show. Unfortunately, the shoot is going to be happening during school hours. WHAT TO DO?

After Jessica takes off, Elizabeth runs into Brooke Dennis, who is feeling down because her famous director dad has little time to hang out with her. Elizabeth encourages Brooke to drown her sorrows in ice cream and write an article for the Sixers. I don’t know how this is supposed to help Brooke feel better, it’s mostly a favor to Elizabeth, but whatever. A famous ballerina is coming to Sweet Valley, and Brooke is set to interview her. WHY DO ALL THESE FAMOUS PEOPLE COME TO SWEET VALLEY ALL THE TIME?

Later we find out that Brooke’s dad actually works on Kent Kellerman’s show. Jessica and Lila devise a plan to use Brooke to meet Kent. Not-so-naturally, they decide that offering Brooke a chance to try out for a spot on the Boosters is a great plan of action. They think Brooke will be SO GRATEFUL for the chance to try out that she will offer them passes to the set. Um. I’m pretty sure ANYONE who wants to try out for the Boosters can, you don’t need permission, but OK.

Weirdly, the plan kind of works and Brooke gets them set passes. But they still have to figure out a way to PLAY HOOKY.

The shoot is happening downtown, mostly during lunch and gym class. The girls overhear gossip Caroline Pearce saying the gym teacher, Ms. Langberg (eyeroll re the “Ms.,” ghostwriter) has jury duty, so they think they’re home free. They take off to meet Kent.

But guess what? Caroline was WRONG, Ms. Langberg doesn’t have jury duty! Elizabeth knows Jessica is bound to get caught now, so she takes off to warn her and get her to come back to school before lunch is over. Of course, while the girls are on their way back, they run into Mr. Clark’s secretary. Game over.

Even though Mr. Clark’s secretary sees Elizabeth, only Jessica and Lila get in trouble. I guess she figured there’s no way Elizabeth would play hooky so she must be mistaken about what she saw. I don’t know, guys. There are a lot of plot holes in this book.

As punishment, Jessica and Lila have to wash the blackboards after school for three weeks. How delightfully retro. They are also banned from extracurriculars—which means Jessica can’t play basketball, which means Sweet Valley has no chance of winning the championship game! Everyone hates Jessica.

Jessica convinces Elizabeth to switch places with her so she can play in the game, and also insists Elizabeth take her place washing blackboards so she can go to practice. Elizabeth agrees, and then there is mass confusion over who is doing the interview with the ballerina and where it is. It’s really complicated, so I’ll just say that nobody interviews the ballerina and Elizabeth gets in trouble. Brooke is also involved.

Brooke invites Elizabeth to her house for a dinner party, and Elizabeth is so depressed that she doesn’t think she’s going to go. She calls Brooke to cancel, but Brooke tells her she should really think about coming because KENT KELLERMAN IS THERE AND HE AGREED TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE NEWSPAPER!

Obviously, Jessica successfully wins the basketball game for Sweet Valley even though everyone thinks she’s Elizabeth. It doesn’t bother Jessica nearly as much as you would expect, given her narcissism. We’re also introduced to sports phenom Billie Layton in this book, but it’s really of no consequence. I have a feeling they were setting up for a book about Billie next, but changed their minds.

The best part of this book, though, is at the very end when Elizabeth decides to turn herself in for cutting school and be punished, even though she only cut school to try to save Jessica. I know that was probably supposed to teach me morals in 1987 but I’m positive that even then I just rolled my eyes at Elizabeth’s martyr behavior.

SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part Three)

(Click here for Part Two if you missed it!)

CHAPTERS 10-13

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At night, Elizabeth wakes up to the sound of Courtney crying—and guess who is right beside her, saying everything is going to be OK? Todd! Of course! That idiot! For some reason, even as she listens to this, Saint Liz has to squelch her inner urge to go give Courtney a shoulder pat—but that ends when things quiet down, and Elizabeth inches closer to Todd…and sees that he’s holding Courtney’s hand in his sleep.

The next day, Jessica is stuck on dish duty with Barry and she’s an impossible bitch to him. Why do people like Jessica, guys?! She’s seriously so mean to poor Barry, who had the unfortunate luck of not being born gorgeous and having a genetic predisposition to loving pancakes way too much.

After Jessica is done with the dishes and making Barry suicidal, she brings everything to Lila, because it’s her turn to lug the cookware on her bike. Lila blackmails Miss Dalton into saying it’s her turn so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Remember, Lila knows Miss Dalton is not who she says she is. She’s someone even more pathetic, likely.

When Elizabeth confronts Todd about his torrid hand-holding affair with Courtney, he again is all like, duh? What am I doing wrong? You would think his relationship with Elizabeth would be more important to him than his friendship with a girl he’s known for like a week and will never see again after this trip is over, but no. This time, Elizabeth has a backbone and they break up. Yes! Todd is a huge buffoon and totally annoying, which is pretty much the worst thing you can be, even if you are also the star of the basketball team. Boy, bye.

More heartbreak ahead: Annie tells Liz that she overheard a-hole Bruce Patman and her slowly-reforming-a-hole crush, Charlie Cashman, talking about her. This is what she heard:

BRUCE: “Annie’s been with just about every guy at Sweet Valley.”

CHARLIE: “Maybe you’re right, Bruce.”

We’re told that Annie’s voice “wavered on the edge of hysteria” as she relayed the story. Yikes. Chill, Annie. It ain’t like you have a baby and you’re getting divorced and moving back home, that’s MY life.

ANYWAY. The group gets going but then they have a fight over where to spend the night, and Liz shoulder-pats Barry who thinks he cannot possibly ride another mile and wants to go home. Why doesn’t Barry just develop a crush on Liz instead? She looks like Jessica and she’s not a bitch. She is pretty lame though, I guess even Barry can see that. The group rides to the next stop before camping out for the night. I think it’s Big Sur or something, but who cares?

The next day, Jessica is playing Frisbee with the guys when she runs into Robbie October again. Her heart soars! Another chance with Robbie, with his muscular build and curly brown hair and shitty attitude! This time she and Robbie make plans to meet at the entrance to the campgrounds at midnight. Bow chicka bow bow. Or however you spell it. Jess then makes up with Lila so she can share a tent with her that night and sneak out to meet Robbie. Again, Jessica sucks. She should be making up with Lila because Lila is generally awesome and a loyal friend.

Later, we’re treated to a rather pointless scene where Ms. Dalton is swimming in the ocean and encounters a stingray. She screams and is saved by Mr. Collins. The pair almost give into the fact that they so obviously miss each other but then she pulls away. Yawn.

In the early morning, Lila wakes up and discovers Jessica snuck out. She says, and I quote, “Darn her!”

Li knows exactly what happened but doesn’t tell on Jess because “tattling was for goody-goodies like Olivia Davidson, or nerds like Barry Cooper, not for people like Lila Fowler.” She is nervous though, and wonders where she should draw the line between tattling and getting help for someone who might need it. While wondering, she falls back to sleep.

A few hours later, it’s time to get up, and Jessica still isn’t back. After the whole group pounces on Lila, she finally gives up trying to cover for Jess and says she thinks she went hiking in the woods with Robbie last night and that they were going to see a waterfall. Mr. Collins quickly organizes the kids into search parties and stay-and-wait parties. Awkwardly, Todd and Elizabeth have to go together, because Todd knows where the waterfall is and Elizabeth has twintuition. And then Courtney volunteers to go with them too, which Todd thinks is soooooo nice. I really hate Todd, guys. Charlie, Roger Barrett, and Barry go with Mr. Collins.

While the other kids wait at camp, Annie and Bruce start fighting about what she overheard and Bruce tells her she took off too soon and didn’t hear the end of Charlie’s statement. What he ACTUALLY said was, “Maybe you’re right Bruce, but I don’t think so.” OH EM GEE.

While Todd, Elizabeth, and Courtney search for Jessica, Courtney fakes sick and says she better head back to camp. She volunteers to do this alone but Todd insists on going with her to make sure she’s OK. And he leaves Elizabeth alone in the woods to find Jessica. Wow, just when you think he couldn’t be any more of an asshole to Elizabeth.

That’s where I will conclude for now. Please ponder the following.

WHERE IS JESSICA? WILL SHE EVER BE FOUND? DO YOU CARE? WOULD LILA AUTOMATICALLY BECOME A BIGGER PART OF THE SWEET VALLEY FRANCHISE IF SHE NEVER SHOWS UP?

(Click here for Part 4!)

The Unicorn Club #14: Lila on the Loose

OK, guys. My favorite Sweet Valley character of all time, Lila Fowler, hasn’t been playing nearly as big a role as I would like in most of the Twins books I managed to dig up so far. But, I found this Lila-focused edition from the Unicorn Club series on a 25 cent shelf at the library! It’s like there’s a Sweet Valley god, and she’s watching out for me. In this series, the twins and their friends are in seventh grade, and each book is told from the first-person point-of-view of one of the characters.

Let’s look at this cover. That’s Lila, draping herself all over a guy who looks like he’s at that crucial time in life where he will decide if he’s going to be just a little creepy or a full-fledged psycho. His name is Jimmy Lancer, he’s in high school, and Lila has a ginormous crush on him. This scene shows a party at Lila’s mansion that takes place late in the book. That loser with the lampshade on his head in the background is supposed to illustrate to us that things get out of control.

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At the start of the story, Lila is getting her hair done because her dad is taking her out to dinner at Chez Francois to celebrate her getting an A on her math test. As we know, Lila’s dad is the type that gives his daughter a lot of things, but none of those things are time and affection. Lila is looking forward to the dinner. She thinks it’s going to be the start of a whole new relationship between herself and her dad—and then he doesn’t show up. Something about Hong Kong.

Lila is too embarrassed to tell her friends—who speak endlessly about how annoying their loving dads are—so she lies and says dinner was great and her dad had the chef make her a special cake, blah blah. Then stupid Caroline Pearce comes over and casually mentions that she was at the restaurant with her family last night and they all felt so bad for Lila, sitting there by herself for hours on end. They felt so bad that none of them invited her to sit with them and instead chose to gawk at a 13-year-old girl whose dad is a known workaholic/bazillionaire sitting alone at a table for two in a French restaurant. Quality.

Lila resolves to do two things: get her dad to notice she exists, and get Jimmy to notice she exists—the Jimmy thing is slightly more urgent because she’s sort of telling all of the Unicorns that she’s dating him and he’s madly in love with her. She tries to win Jimmy over the only way she knows how: with money. She buys him a bunch of CDs (this book was published in 1996) and some kind of watch made for diving. She also takes him to dinner at Chez Francois, which is just weird, but not as weird (or as shitty) as Jimmy accepting all of her generosity even though he, a high schooler, doesn’t have feelings for Lila, a seventh grader who is clearly trying to buy his love.

As part of her plan to make her dad remember her name, Lila goes on an insane shopping spree in which she drops over $75,000 at the Valley Mall. She buys platinum Unicorn pendants for each member of the club, even the vapid Kimberly Haver.

So then honestly a bunch of stuff happens that really doesn’t matter. Lila decides to throw the biggest party Sweet Valley has ever seen but in her little middle-school mind, that’s like, 50 kids and a crap ton of soda. She invites Jimmy and tells him he can bring a few friends. You know where this is going.

“The house and grounds were crawling with kids. The pool was so full, I didn’t think another body would fit in it. There were people laughing, talking, eating, and chasing each other all over the lawn, and there were even a few kids climbing onto the roof.” There’s no exclamation point there, but there should be.

It is of course at this point that Lila finds out Jimmy has a girlfriend. He also calls Lila his “new little sister.” What a jerkwad.

Eventually, Lila’s dad comes home and scares everybody out. He’s hella pissed at first but then he realizes he has been the worst dad on Earth and so, Lila isn’t even grounded. Another win for our girl.

SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part Two)

(Click here for Part One if you missed it!)

CHAPTERS 5-9

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At this point, Elizabeth is still trying to convince herself that Todd isn’t a total shitbag (something she continues to do for like, years, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary) and Jessica has laid eyes on/fallen in love with/vowed to make hers Robbie October. What a freaking name! Nothing low-rent-porn-star about that, no way.

Robbie is described as “a suntanned boy with chestnut-colored curls wearing a pair of well-worn jeans and a tight black T-shirt that revealed his muscular arms.” A girl named Sally tells Jessica that Robbie and his brother, Danny, are also riding their bikes up the coast but they’re not part of a lame high school trip like Jessica is. They are also “totally wild”– and that makes Jessica more intrigued than ever.

We’re treated to a laughable letter Courtney writes to her badseed boyfriend, Nolan. It starts with “I’m holding my breath until I see you again” and ends with “Party extra hard for both of us.” In the middle, she calls him “darling.” I think that’s all you guys need to know about that.

Later that day there’s a questionable dance party during which Jessica “whirls around” with Mr. Collins and laughs in fat kid Barry Cooper’s face when he asks her to dance. Jessica is such a bitch, you guys. Why does anyone like her? Courtney “sashays” up to Todd and somehow wraps a silk scarf around his arm and pulls him toward her. Then he just “grins sheepishly” at Liz who goes and sits in the corner with a root beer. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

That night, the first part of Jessica and Lila’s plan to get rid of Courtney goes into effect—or at least it’s supposed to go into effect. It gets botched up but it’s so stupid that it wouldn’t have mattered either way. I’ll just say the situation involves lime Jell-o at the bottom of Ms. Dalton’s sleeping bag. Right? You don’t care to hear more.

Dinner the next night is at a restaurant and Courtney excuses herself early, saying she has a headache. Guess who suggests someone should maybe go back to camp with her? Todd! Of course! She refuses, because she doesn’t need to be nauseous on top of everything else I guess. When Todd and Elizabeth are swimming in a lake later, he casually mentions that it’s too bad Courtney had to miss out on all the fun. Mind you, it’s just TODD AND ELIZABETH in the lake. FINALLY Elizabeth loses it and they have a fight. Todd makes a bunch of stupid excuses about Courtney needing help and then tells Elizabeth that Courtney’s dad, the hotshot Hollywood producer, is a hopeless alcoholic. So there, Elizabeth! Feel bad for Courtney now! Elizabeth is skeptical about this story but she and Todd eventually make up.

Next up: Jessica makes her first play for Robbie October.

“‘Bart! Bart Templeton! Wow, you’re the last person in the world I expected to see here.’ She ran up to Robbie and threw her arms around his neck.”

Yup, that’s Jessica Wakefield’s game. Pretend to mistake the guy for somebody else. Shockingly, the whole thing is awkward and Jessica doesn’t get an automatic pass for being blonde and beautiful. Robbie has disdain for the fact that Jessica is with a group and tells her he’s going to a bar. LOLz.

Later, Lila is relaxing solo in the common room of the hostel when she starts talking to two guys, Pat and Don, who are with another group. They ask her if one of her group leaders is “that pretty, dark-haired woman.” Through gritted teeth, Lila says yes, “Nora Dalton” is one of the leaders.

“Strange,” says Pat. “She looks exactly like Beth Curtis, this woman who used to teach at the high school we go to back in Arizona. She disappeared about a year and a half ago.”

Of course, a year and half is exactly how long Nora Dalton has been at Sweet Valley High, teaching French and dating Lila’s dad and ruining Lila’s life.

“What did Beth Curtis teach?” Lila asks.

“French.”

Dun dun dunnn.

Awesomely Lila doesn’t make us wait chapters and chapters before she confronts Ms. Dalton. “I met someone who knows you,” she says. “But, funny, he seemed to think your name was…Beth Curtis!”

Ms. Dalton has no game face, so Lila immediately has confirmation that she changed her identity and has something to hide.

Let’s all just bask in Lila’s awesomeness a little bit, OK? I don’t remember this book very well at all, and even though Ms. Dalton is probably running from her past because of some kind of Sleeping With the Enemy situation, I can’t help but cheer Lila on because Ms. Dalton was such a dope about the Jell-O incident.

Stay tuned for Part Three!

SVT #1: Best Friends

I recently spent the evening with my best friends, so I thought why not recap the very first Sweet Valley Twins book EVER, Best Friends?

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On the cover, we see Elizabeth and Jessica dressed alike, something they officially stop doing a few chapters in. I’m pretty sure Elizabeth is on the right. Her face just looks kinder, and the one on the left has a tight smile like she doesn’t really want to be there, and that is SO Jessica.

The twins have recently started sixth grade at Sweet Valley Middle School. Jessica is being considered for membership in the exclusive (and the totally-would-not-be-allowed-now) Unicorn Club and Elizabeth is trying to start the class newspaper. (It’s Elizabeth who comes up with the name The Sweet Valley Sixers, which everyone loves. I think it’s shit.) She’s also trying to hang on to Jessica for dear life, as she feels her twin is spending less and less time with her. That’s because you’re hella boring, Elizabeth!

In order to get into the Unicorn Club, Jessica must complete three pledge tasks: steal Mrs. Arnette’s lesson plan book and return it to her bag by the end of class, send at least 3 girls to the boys’ bathroom, and come to school looking completely different from Elizabeth. For some reason, Jessica decides to do all of these things without telling her sister she is trying to get into the Unicorns. Elizabeth already knows Jessica wants to be a Unicorn. What’s the big secret? Sixth-graders are weird.

The first two tasks are cakewalks. The last one? Eh, that causes a bit of drama. On the morning of the day she is supposed complete this task, Jessica strategically stays in bed so that Elizabeth is forced to pick out their outfit for the day. Elizabeth can hardly manage to do that because she’s so used to just doing whatever Jessica says. Finally, she chooses an outfit—and fails spectacularly. “The yellow sweatsuits,” she says. Yeah, those sound super cool.

Once Elizabeth is dressed and downstairs, Jessica flies out of bed and transforms herself using her mom’s hot rollers and a touch of mascara and lip gloss, which makes me doubt that the twins look that much alike, honestly.

The Wakefields are stunned but approving of Jess’ new look. Elizabeth, sadly, has no time to run upstairs and copy it. (Although she does want to.) The twins go to school looking like individuals for the first time ever and people are AMAZED.

After overhearing two girls talking about Jessica’s makeover in the bathroom (she’s in the stall crying, duh), Elizabeth retaliates by, um, pulling her hair back with barrettes. “It was a style she loved and Jessica hated,” we’re told. Full disclosure, I became obsessed with Elizabeth’s hairstyle on subsequent SVT covers and tried like hell to copy it but I failed every time because my hair was too thick and heavy. Also I had no idea how to do my hair and it was the early 90s, so you know, no flat iron. I was lucky to have a brush.

Jessica gets into the Unicorns and promises Elizabeth she will get her in the club, too. The Unicorns do not want Elizabeth, but they agree to give her a pledge task once Jessica lies and says that her parents will make her quit unless Elizabeth can be in the club.

Elizabeth’s pledge task is to embarrass resident fat girl Lois Waller by tricking her into eating shaving cream (disguised as whipped cream) on a sundae at the Dairi Burger. Elizabeth refuses.

Instead of letting that be the end of it, Jessica poses as Elizabeth to complete the task. And this is where I really start to hate Jessica—she calls Lois and invites her to the Dairi Burger, rolls her eyes about how excited Lois sounds to have plans, inwardly groans about Lois’ order (even though Jessica gets a sundae too) plays the trick then laughs in the girl’s face.

Elizabeth gets into the club and for some reason Jessica thinks she can keep how it happened a secret.

When the truth comes out, Elizabeth is rightfully pissed. She basically tells Jessica to go to hell and then calls Lois to apologize and talk her out of transferring to a private school.

In retaliation, Elizabeth and Lois come up with a plan to get back at the Unicorns, which is to…do the exact same shaving cream trick to them that they did to Lois. Honestly, I though Elizabeth was supposed to be so creative? The worst part about this dumb plan is that they only contaminate Lila’s sundae with shaving cream. WHY LILA? WHY ONLY LILA?! If anything, it should have been only Jessica, or only Janet, for being the president of this stupid exclusionary club. I still love you, Lila.

Eventually, the twins make up and agree that just because they have separate interests and one of them is crap person doesn’t mean they can’t still be besties.

Oh, this is also the book where the twins get separate rooms. Elizabeth picks out cream-colored carpeting, off-white paint for the walls, and navy curtains with yellow trim. You know, the teenage dream.