SVT #9: Against the Rules

(Click here for recap of SVT #8: First Place)

This is one of those books where Elizabeth “rebels” by doing something nice for someone who is in desperate need.

Let’s check out the cover. Elizabeth is doing her signature shoulder-touching move. She’s wearing a shirt that looked like something my dad had in the 80s. Amy is in the pink sweatshirt, gazing with jealousy at Elizabeth’s hand touching someone else’s shoulder. The girl in the middle with the unfortunate hairstyle is Sophia Rizzo, sister of town delinquent Tony, daughter of proud Italian immigrant mom and a douche father who ran off.

It’s the end of the school day, and the twins are heading in different directions: Jessica has cheerleading practice, and Elizabeth has a Sixers meeting. Liz explains that after the meeting, she’s walking home with Sophia. Jess CAN’T BELIEVE Elizabeth is hanging around with Sophia, even though Elizabeth has a reputation for befriending misfits. She says that if Elizabeth keeps hanging out with “strays” she’s going to get bitten. Wtf? That sounds elitist and weird at the same time. Liz remarks that if Sophia bites her, she hopes she catches her way with words. Har har.

Sophia is a new member of the Sixers staff and Liz is impressed with her reporting and writing ability. Jessica doesn’t value literacy as a personal attribute, so she doesn’t care.

Jess splits (dumping her books on Elizabeth) and Sophia, who is described (repeatedly) as “small and dark” appears soon after. Sophia reaches into the pocket of her “faded skirt” and shows Elizabeth a note she received that day from the Unicorns. It says, “We don’t need your kind in Sweet Valley. Get out, and take your brother with you.” That’s actually super fucked up. Elizabeth is embarrassed by her sister’s behavior. Not the first or last time for that, amiright?

The girls run into Mr. Bowman and he has some news about the school play. This year, it will be written by a committee made up of the 2 best English students in each grade—and the sixth grade representatives are none other than Elizabeth and Sophia! I guess Mr. Bowman got called out when he tried to put Elizabeth’s name down twice.

Sophia invites Elizabeth over so she can show her some old plays she wrote when she was younger. Apparently Tony Rizzo was small-time actor before he was small-time criminal! The pair would perform the scenes Sophia wrote.

We’re told that Sophia’s mother also wears clothes that are “faded from countless washings.” Sophia’s bedspread is faded, too. THEY’RE POOR, GET IT?

When Elizabeth gets home, she learns that she and Jessica have been invited for a weekend in LA with one of Mr. Wakefield’s clients. That’s not as shady as it sounds. They have a daughter the twins’ age and want to have someone for her to hang out with. They’re going to see Shout—Jessica’s favorite musical. (Jessica has a favorite musical?) The twins are all happy and thrilled, until Liz tells Jess the news about their school play.

Jessica is disgusted by the idea of Sophia having anything to do with the writing of the play. Even Steven warns Elizabeth to steer clear of Sophia. “You don’t know Tony Rizzo,” he says. “He doesn’t care how he dresses or what he says.” WELL! IF HE DOESN’T CARE HOW HE DRESSES…

Tony’s stolen VCRs, TVs, and cars, and has been to reform school. He returned unreformed. No word on whether he maintained his stage presence. Maybe Tony’s just a method actor. Ever think of that? I’m shocked Elizabeth doesn’t.

Mr. Wakefield gets home and drops a bomb: only 1 twin is invited for the weekend in LA. Of course, Elizabeth immediately volunteers to stay home but Ned and Alice won’t have it. They insist that the girls “draw straws” which amounts to Steven writing a number down on a piece of paper and having them guess what it is. Elizabeth comes closer. Jessica is devastated, simply devastated. Who can blame her? First, her school play is in the hands of a crime family and now this.

The next day, the school is abuzz with excitement over the news of the play. Bruce Patman tells Elizabeth that his dad is going to videotape the whole show and he can everyone over to watch it. Whoohoo! Just don’t leave your soda unattended with Bruce, Lizzie.

That day, Elizabeth, Amy, Julie Porter, and Brooke Dennis decide to ask Sophia to join them for a future picnic lunch outside. They even write out an invitation and call themselves “the anticafeteria lunch group.” It’s actually pretty cute.

After school, Elizabeth and Sophia go to the first committee meeting. The kids decide to write a play about “real issues” like, um, wanting to stay out late but your parents say no. Elizabeth encourages Sophia to share some of the scenes she’s written about such issues and everyone loves them. Elizabeth is elated.

It doesn’t last long, though. When goes home, she discovers that Steven has a black eye. It seems Tony Rizzo punched him in the face. Apparently, a projector went missing from the high school AV room. A bunch of kids were standing around talking about how Tony probably stole it. Honestly though…he probably did. Anyway, Steven, remembering what Elizabeth said, said they shouldn’t judge Tony without a fair trial, and Tony was walking by, I guess, and punched him. Yeah doesn’t make much sense to me either.

The next day is Elizabeth’s picnic lunch. Sophia mentions that her birthday is coming up and she’s never had a birthday party. I find this hard to believe. NEVER? Your mom never at least got a cake and some balloons from the supermarket? Elizabeth vows to throw Sophia her first-ever birthday party, the Saturday after the play.

Ned and Alice throw a wrench in her plans, though—due to Steven’s black eye, Elizabeth is forbidden to hang out with Sophia outside of school. And that’s not the only problem. Elizabeth learns that the trip to LA is on the Saturday after the play—Sophia’s birthday, and the day of the epic party she’s going to throw. FUCK!

Liz laments her predicament to Steven, but leaves out the part about Sophia’s party. She just says she still feels Jessica should be the one to go to LA. I agree, honestly. Why not send the kid that wants to be there? I may need to have a talk with Ned and Alice.

Steven suggests the twins “pull the old switcheroo” and that’s exactly what they decide to do. It’s the perfect plan. Jess will be gone, Steven has some basketball game or something, and Ned and Alice have a “boat party” to attend (EYEROLL) which means Liz will have the split-level ranch house with its unfaded upholstered furnishings all to herself, and she can throw the party.

The next day at school, Sophia drops her notebook and Lila and Jessica pick up script drafts and begin melodramatically performing in the hallway. It’s really a rather terrible scene. I hate when Lila gives me reasons to not like her.

Sophia cries and Elizabeth becomes more determined than ever to give her the birthday party of her dreams.

Audition day arrives. Jessica, the Unicorns, and I guess some of the other shitbags at school boycott on the grounds of Sophia’s involvement. But, there’s still enough interest to cast the show. Honestly, the show is about one family so I don’t really understand how there are enough parts to go around, especially since it’s decided that Elizabeth and Sophia should play the 2 sisters.

Performance day arrives and the play is a smash hit. Even better, Sophia is lauded for her talents as a writer and an actress and is no longer Sweet Valley Middle School’s resident misfit. Sorry, Lois Waller. Jessica basically says she still thinks Sophia “dressed like a toad” but she supposes she’s an alright person.

Once the coast is clear on Saturday, Elizabeth and her crew start setting up for the party. A bunch of people show up since Sophia is no longer considered a leper and the Wakefield parties have been known to include store-brand Mountain Dew. Everyone hides before Sophia gets there. Then, the door opens and they all jump out and yell “Surprise!” at Elizabeth’s parents, who were deterred from their boat trip because of a surprise storm.

Like Sophia would just let herself into the house? Come on, Elizabeth.

In the few minutes before Sophia arrives, all the kids apologize and explain and Ned and Alice decide to let the party happen as planned. Ned goes and picks up Sophia’s mom so she can join in the fun. And guess what? One look at her cheerful homemade quilts and afghans lands her a freelance design job with Alice. Tony didn’t want to come to the party (shocking) but he stands a chance at normalcy now that Ned has given him the name of a psychologist who helps “confused children.” I’m sure he’ll get right on that.

Jessica returns from her trip “of a lifetime” and shares that been named chairman of the upcoming Mini-Olympics. She forgot to tell Elizabeth before she left. I have a hard time believing Jessica wouldn’t tell everyone she saw immediately after finding out, but OK. With that, we have the setup for the next book, One of the Gang—but not before some Sweet Valley-style fat-shaming! “Blubbery old Lois Waller will be up to her fat ankles in sweat!” says Jessica. It doesn’t say “gleefully” but I think we can all assume.

(Click here for recap of SVT #10: One of the Gang)

SVT #8: First Place

Click here for recap of SVT # 7: Three’s a Crowd

This is the first horse book in the Sweet Valley franchise. I was never into horses, but I read it because it promised to heavily feature Lila Fowler. This was my reason last week and as a child. OK, here we go.

That’s Lila on the cover with her horse, Thunder. She looks like a next-level bitch. Idk wtf is up with her outfit. I mean, she’s rich, and she looks like she’s wearing somebody else’s clothes, and that somebody is 2 sizes bigger than she is. Elizabeth is wearing some rather smart riding clothes (which are on loan from Lila) and she’s got a…riding crop? I think that’s what that stick is? She looks like she’s about to clock Lila over the head with it, whatever it is.

So here’s the deal: Lila got a horse, and Elizabeth is jealous. Elizabeth loves horses, you see. She’s even started taking riding classes. Did we know this before now? I’m not sure, but it’s only book #8 in the series, so fine. Also, this little personality trait stays with Elizabeth for the duration of the series. I think it might even be mentioned that she likes horses in Sweet Valley High. So props for continuity, that’s tough to come by in this franchise.

We open with Mr. Nydick’s history class. Elizabeth is drawing horses in her notebook. Eyeroll. Jessica is making ageist jokes about her history teacher, saying that he knows all about ancient Greece because he was there.

Upon leaving class, they find Lila surrounded by sixth-grade girls clamoring for her attention. Elizabeth asks Jessica why Lila is so popular all of a sudden.

Um? Excuse me? All of a sudden? Lila just happens to be one of the most popular girls in school, Elizabeth. Thankyouverymuch.

Jess explains that Lila got a horse and now every girl in school wants to ride it. I guess boys aren’t interested in horses?

When Elizabeth gets home from riding class that afternoon, Steven asks her if she’s “bowlegged” yet. Har har. Elizabeth replies, “No, and I’m not skinheaded either.” Yikes. Wtf? Oh, I see—turns out Steven’s just gotten a bad haircut and it’s 1987. The comment shuts him right up, which I’m sure it would do today as well.

Amy has come over so she and Liz can work on a book report. Just one book report? WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ALL HAD TO DO OUR OWN BOOK REPORTS. Tangent: does anyone else have memories of their elementary school teachers being overly picky about what exactly a book report entailed? I seem to recall getting marked down for sharing my analysis of what happened. Apparently book reports are “just the facts, ma’am.” Well then, read the damn book yourself, Mrs. Whoeveryouarethatsaidthat. I HAVE THOUGHTS. I guess that’s why I’m sitting here 20-something years later writing this recap. Anyway.

Here’s the description of Elizabeth’s bedroom:

Elizabeth’s bedroom was a perfect place to study. She kept it clean and neat, and there were plenty of big pillows to sit on. The cream-colored walls with blue trim made the room feel peaceful and comfortable. On one wall was a small framed picture of the greatest racehorse of all time, Man-of-War. Over her bed was a poster of the wild ponies of Chincoteague running on the beach. By her bed was an open copy of National Velvet.

She likes horses, we get it. PS: of all the unbelievable things that happen in the Sweet Valley Universe (and there are a lot), I think a 12-year-old choosing to paint her bedroom CREAM is up there in the top 3.

The next day, Liz overhears Lila in the lunch line. “No, Mrs. Whitney, take the cream sauce off my chicken cutlet. Do you want me to develop cellulite at my age?” Liz is thus inspired to title a Sixers article “Going Places With Hot Air” and silently thanks Lila. Elizabeth is one of those girls that hates girls who care about what they look like, I guess. Lila’s vain, so she must also be STOOPID.

Lila’s jonesing for Elizabeth to write an article about Thunder in the Sixers, but Elizabeth’s petty jealousy is making her resistant. Listen, Liz. I was a reporter once. It’s really key to be objective.

After Jessica talks Thunder up, Elizabeth finally caves. She goes to Carson Stable with Lila after school to meet Thunder and start gathering material for her story. Confusingly, she remarks that Carson Stable is beautiful and nothing like the place she takes lessons. In all subsequent mentions of stables in Sweet Valley, it’s Carson Stable. Actually, I think it might sometimes be Carson Stables. But anyway.

Here’s the description of Thunder:

His sorrel coat glowed like the embers of a waning fire, and his broad chest heaved evenly with his footsteps. With one glance of steady brown eyes, he seemed to peer into Elizabeth’s soul.

Whoa. That’s quite a description, considering this is just a horse book meant for, what? 8- to 12-year-olds?

Elizabeth takes Thunder for a spin, and decides she must do whatever it takes from now on to have access. Even be friendly to Lila. She pals around with her in school the next day and Jessica starts to get jealous. That afternoon, both twins go to Lila’s house, and—surprise!—she’s had Thunder stop by for a special treat. Lila complains about the fact that Thunder needs grooming and daily workouts, and Elizabeth offers to do everything for her. She’s also essentially letting Lila copy her math homework. Grooming and daily workouts are kind of a drag, honestly. And I don’t even have a horse.

The girls go inside and Elizabeth sneaks back out to take another peek at Thunder. There, she sees a teenage boy untying Thunder from the tree. She screams, “Stop! Thief!” Jessica, Lila, and Ellen (who showed up to copy the math homework) all run outside. Turns out the boy is Ted Rogers, a new stablehand. He and his boss were just coming by to take Thunder back to the stable. After all the confusion is cleared up, he asks the girls if they want to come along.

“No, I must return to my Sexy Stableboy magazine,” Lila said with her nose in the air.

Honestly…that’s funny.

Jessica wants to go because she thinks Ted is cute. At that moment, Mr. Wakefield and Steven arrive “in the Wakefield’s maroon van” and Jessica talks them into driving the twins to the stable. She flirts with Ted in the tack room, and he tells her he thinks Elizabeth is the prettiest girl he’s ever seen.

“We’re identical twins, can’t you tell?”

Good try, Jess.

We’re told that the next few weeks are heaven for Elizabeth. She goes to the stable every day after school to take care of Thunder. Everyone there assumes he’s her horse, and she doesn’t correct them. Why? I don’t know, guys, You have to ask her.

We learn a few things about Ted. He’s poor, he’s got a bad leg from a car accident, and his mom was a horsewoman who died in the accident. He used to have a horse but he sold it to pay medical bills.

Ted encourages Elizabeth to enter the Carson Stable Owners’ Competition. The grand prize is $75. Not that grand, amiright? Like, not even for 1987. Especially when you consider how expensive owning a horse is. (PS I have no idea how expensive it is, I am just assuming it’s expensive. I feel like this is one of those things everyone just somehow knows. But let me know if I am wrong.)

The next morning, Lila calls the Wakefields’ house. Jessica picks up—but Lila’s looking for Elizabeth. This puts Jessica, who has been feeling like both Elizabeth and Lila have been neglecting her, over the edge. She goes into bitch mode all day at school. Until Lila invites her to a sleepover.

Yup. Sounds about being 12.

Ted has started hanging out with Steven, and he’s at the twins’ house when they get home. Jessica spies him in the backyard through a window and immediately runs upstairs to get beautiful before dinner. Steven remarks that she smells like a fruit basket. Unlike Elizabeth, Jessica doesn’t hurl any heavily politicized insults his way.

Jessica tries to act cool and mature through dinner but drops the act when Elizabeth mentions that she’s going to Lila’s slumber party. She storms up to her room, and there’s a rather sweet scene between her and Mrs. Wakefield. The mother-daughter talk does like, no good, of course, but still. Good effort, Alice.

The next night, the twins head to Lila’s “clutching identical duffel bags.” They must be old duffel bags, otherwise I’m sure we would have been told that Jessica’s was purple and covered in sequins and had a unicorn on it while Elizabeth’s was a sensible navy blue.

The slumber party is Elizabeth’s nightmare. The Unicorns are watching music videos and gossiping. How immature. Honestly, who’s the snot, here? Am I supposed to believe it’s the Unicorns? They may not be exemplary humans, OK? But they’re preteen girls and they’re acting like it. I get that being a preteen girl is pretty much the worst thing you can be, but you know, we’ve all gotta just get through it. Elizabeth is the one sticking her nose up at everything, using Lila, and lying to the people at the stable. JUST SAYING.

The Unicorns start making fun of Amy Sutton, Elizabeth’s bestie. They wonder if any guy will ever like her. Well, just wait, Unicorns. In 5 years, every guy in Sweet Valley High is going to be trying to get in her pants. But Elizabeth doesn’t say this. Instead she blows Amy’s secret that Ken Matthews kissed her at Julie Porter’s party last week. AHMYGHAD. She makes the Unicorns swear not tell anyone. Um, OK.

Later in the week, Ted comes to dinner again. He tells everyone he’s trying to convince Elizabeth to sign up for the owners’ competition, and they’re all like, owners’ competition? Say what? Then Jessica declares that Thunder is Lila’s horse. Elizabeth is super embarrassed.

Ted and Elizabeth have a talk at the stable the next day and he says he really doesn’t care that Elizabeth let everyone believe she was Thunder’s owner. AND he convinces her to illegally enter the competition. It’s all like, justified by their mutual love of horses/Thunder, or something. I don’t know. And the fact that Elizabeth decides that if she wins, she’ll give Lila the prize money.

Elizabeth tells Amy about the competition and Amy keeps the secret—until the day of the competition, when the Unicorns decide to harass her about her secret kiss. They make smooching noises and call her “Hot Lips Sutton.” Amy freaks and tells Lila she’s too stupid to know that her own horse is in a competition that’s starting in like 10 minutes.

Amy confronts Elizabeth at the stable, but they work it out. Then Lila and the Unicorns storm the stable and there’s yet another confrontation. Eventually, Lila realizes that if Elizabeth does ride Thunder in the competition, she stands a good chance at winning—and the award would say LILA FOWLER on it, because she’s the owner. So she decides it’s OK for Elizabeth to enter, but Elizabeth refuses because she doesn’t want to be at Lila’s beck and call anymore.

Ted decides that he will enter Thunder in the advanced event. He asks Elizabeth to invite Jessica to come watch. Get it? He liked Jessica the whole time. Honestly, Ted’s a freshman in high school and Elizabeth and Jessica are in sixth grade, so I find either choice rather gross.

There’s fun, quaint mention of Elizabeth running back and forth to the pay phone to call Jessica. She finally gets ahold of her, and Jess makes it to the stable just in time to see Ted and Thunder win the event. I’ll give you a few minutes to recover from your shock.

The last chapter is the setup for the next book, Against the Rules, which I am planning to recap sometime soon, as I want to do recaps for the first 10 Twins books and I have somehow managed to do pretty much every other one (1, 3, 5, 7, 10) and now I’m filling in the gaps.

SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian (Part Three)

CHAPTERS 13-20

If you missed Part One of this recap, click here!

If you missed Part Two of this recap, click here!

Sadly, our Hawaiian journey with the most important girls at Sweet Valley Middle School is coming to an end. Sigh. Let’s get on with it.

At the top of chapter 13, the Unicorns (sans Lila) are hiding in Bambi’s room. They snuck in there after she went to get hair done, but she came back early. Mandy and Mary ran out to the balcony while Ellen, Janet, and Jessica were snooping around in the bathroom, admiring Bambi’s eyeshadow collection.

The girls listen while Bambi takes a phone call from someone called Sid, and she talks about how she’s not sure she will make a great wife and mother.

Ellen, Janet, and Jessica hide in the shower and try to stay quiet.

“Here comes the bride,” Bambi sang as she stepped into the bathroom.

The Unicorns are more convinced than ever that Bambi and George are getting married, and I have to admit this is some pretty compelling—if lame—evidence.

The next day, the girls head to the beach (again without Lila—where the fuck is Lila?!) and agonize over how to break the news.

Janet goes to buy some suntan oil and runs into Kenji and Lono. They fawn over “Princess Keiko” and she embellishes the story about the glass-bottom boat tour, saying that the whole boat capsized and she saved everyone by waving down a fishing boat. The boys act impressed and horrified and tell Janet that this incident was a result of the power of Pele, who was warning Keiko that she can never leave the island.

Even though she knows no such boating incident occurred, Janet is super depressed to learn that Pele is threatening her.

Everyone leaves the beach except Jessica. Moments later, Kenji and Lono “accidentally” step on her beach towel and introduce themselves. Seriously, Kenji and Lono are stalkers, guys. I’ve never been to Hawaii but how is it that they keep “running into” Janet and the other Unicorns?

Jessica brags about the contest but omits the part where she thinks she didn’t really win and is there by mistake. Then she tells them about the volcano incident but in her version, it was ACTUALLY ERUPTING and she saved herself by climbing up a tree.

“What a story!” Kenji marveled. “It’s amazing the tree didn’t burn down, isn’t it? I mean, the lava usually destroys everything in its path.”

“Yes, well…” Jessica hesitated. “It was a very strong tree, I guess.”

She then tells them about the glass-bottom boat tour, but in her version, she saves the passengers from a school of piranhas.

Kenji asks Jessica if she’s told a lie since arriving in Hawaii, and suggests that might be the reason for her bad luck.

Back at the hotel a little later that afternoon, the girls decide it’s time to tell Lila that Bambi is about to be her new stepmother.

Lila is understandably upset, and thinks about how none of her friends understand her. She thinks about how she doesn’t want her world to change and that she likes it just the way it is.

I feel ya, Li. But change it did.

Her friends convince her to not say anything to her dad for now (I don’t know why) and then they all go windsurfing with some girl Mary met on the beach. It’s really just a plot device for Lila to run into Kenji. She tells him her luck is getting worse by the minute and she can’t get the ring off her finger. Kenji tells her that in order to get it off, she must visit the tomb of King Kamehameha, alone and in the middle of the night. And that his tomb is located deep within a forest.

This is where I lose my patience with Kenji. Telling a 12-year-old tourist to strike out on her own in the middle of the night? This sounds like the beginning of an episode of Unsolved Mysteries. For shame, Kenji!

A bit later, Janet goes off to find Kenji. She tells him and Lono that she intends to use her round-trip ticket. They beg her to reconsider, citing Goddess Pele’s wrath.

“Isn’t there some way to bribe the Pele goddess? What if I gave her some kind of offering? Like a curling iron or something?”

The boys tell Janet she absolutely cannot leave Hawaii and she turns away from them trying not to cry. I wish there was a scene where she tells her parents she can’t come home because she’s really Princess Keiko and if she leaves, Pele the volcano goddess will cover the island in lava.

Jessica steps on a jellyfish and hobbles over to the little beachside store her friends have been frequenting to get something for the sting. I guess she doesn’t want any of her friends to pee on her. Understandable.

On her way, she runs into Kenji and begs him to help her end her bad luck. Kenji tells her she has to make a special potion at midnight and drink it by candlelight while wearing a ponytail on top of her head. All sounds reasonable to Jess!

That night, the Unicorns go on a dinner cruise with George and Bambi.

Janet pushed back her chair to stand. At the same moment, a waitress walked by behind the chair, carrying a big oval tray piled high with food. Before anyone could warn Janet or the waitress, the tray went flying—and the waitress with it.

After Janet cleans the mashed potatoes off her dress, George notices that Lila isn’t wearing the bracelet Bambi gave her and demands to know where it is. She says she lost it on the volcano. George is hella pissed. I don’t know why, but he is.

“Lila?” Mr. Fowler pressed. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Jessica watched nervously as Lila hesitated. At last Lila opened her mouth to speak, but instead of the angry flurry of words that Jessica had been expecting, out came the loudest, most ear-splitting, window-rattling burp she had ever heard!

The entire room fell absolutely silent. People at other tables twisted in their seats to see who was responsible for such a repulsive sound. One little boy sitting nearby applauded.

That last part always really gets me. Brava, ghostwriter.

After some awkward silence, Jessica tells Bambi she loves her eyeshadow and asks what it is called. Bambi digs it out of her purse and reaches behind Janet to pass it to Jessica so she can take a look.

This is completely stupid. Why wouldn’t she just look herself? But it’s OK, because it gives us this:

Jessica leaned back in her chair to take the eye shadow from Bambi. Just as her hand fastened on the compact, she felt her chair begin to tip backward.

“Oh, no—“ Jessica cried as her chair tipped all the way over and landed with a crash.

(The eyeshadow was Silver Unicorn, in case you were wondering. Props to the ghostwriter because that does sound like an eyeshadow I would want to buy at the drugstore in sixth grade. Except I think now all sixth graders buy their makeup at Sephora and Ulta. Spoiled brats.)

“That was the worst dinner of my life,” Jessica cried as the Unicorns prepared for bed that night.

“Actually, I thought it was pretty entertaining,” Mandy said. “It’s a tough call which part was funniest, though—Janet sitting in a pile of cole slaw, Lila’s mega-burp, or your chair gymnastics.”

“Laugh all you want, Mandy,” Jessica growled, “but I think we’re cursed.”

The only one cursed is George, who probably had to leave a hefty tip after all of that.

After she thinks Ellen and Lila are asleep, Jessica pulls her hair into a ponytail and sneaks into the bathroom to await the stroke of midnight.

Of course, Lila’s not sleeping, but she doesn’t hear Jessica get out of bed. She gets up and starts to get ready to trek to King Kamehameha’s tomb. But first, she decides to go to the bathroom, where she left her makeup bag. Because, you know. Gotta look your best for the dead king. She startles Jessica, they both scream, chaos ensues, all the lights come on, and all the girls end up in one room. And Ellen asks Jessica what she’s done to her hair.

Jessica and Lila come clean with their plans and realize they’ve both been talking to Kenji and Lono and they have been playing them both for fools. Then Janet admits Kenji and Lono are the ones who told her she’s Princess Keiko. In Janet’s defense, “they bowed and everything.” The girls vow to get even.

The next morning, they overhear George and Bambi’s voices in Bambi’s room so they all decide to crowd around the door and eavesdrop. Lila is at the front of the pack with a glass pressed up against the door.

“He said, my daughter means the world to me,” Lila reported.

“Oh,” Ellen said with relief. “I thought he said, ‘My daughter’s beans are curled for free!’”

Again: I love Ellen. Like honestly, where would we be without Ellen, you guys?

The door opens and they’re all caught eavesdropping. Lila screams that she will never call Bambi mom. Then the truth comes out: George and Bambi aren’t engaged. Bambi is auditioning for a soap opera and George was helping her rehearse. Sid, the guy she was talking to on the phone while they were all hiding in the room, is her agent. Of course the agent is named Sid. And of course the soap opera character Bambi is auditioning for is named Flame. And of course Bambi is named Bambi.

I really don’t see George helping anyone run lines, do you guys? I like this side of George.

Finally, Lila softens toward Bambi and the girls ask her to help them get back at Kenji and Lono. She agrees to dress up as volcano goddess Pele. Janet finds them on the beach and tells them she has decided to leave Hawaii after all, since she “checked things out” with Pele and Pele gave her the all-clear. The boys are like WTF, and Janet invites them to follow her so they can see Pele—who can appear as she wills, she says—for themselves. They tag along.

Bambi awaits, covered in fluorescent body paint and standing beneath a hidden blacklight. And since she’s an actress, she scares the living crap out of Kenji and Lono. They beg forgiveness, and then the Unicorns all appear. I guess they were hiding behind a bush, or something.

Everyone has a good laugh over how stupid they all are, and Kenji and Lono invite the Unicorns to a luau on their last night in Hawaii. Bambi, pumped from her performance of Pele, flies out early for her audition. (Spoiler alert: she gets the part.)

The next day, Jessica and Mandy go back to the Pineapple People office so Jessica can confess that she’s not the real contest winner. And not a moment too soon, huh, Jess? Not like you didn’t wait until literally your last day in Hawaii to make your little confession?

As it turns out, there was no need—Jessica was indeed the real winner of the contest. Mr. Hakulani explains that all the entries they received were quite awful, so they decided to award the prize to shittiest recipe, just for kicks. The pineapple upside-down cake was served #becausepineapples.

As a reward for her honesty, Mr. Hakulani promises to send Jessica 200 cans of crushed pineapple.

That night at the luau, the Unicorns reflect on their trip of a lifetime while George does the hula. Yes, I’m serious. That’s what happens. Then, Mandy, Mary, and Jessica ask George for three pennies.

Mandy closed her eyes and tossed the penny into the ocean. “Make a wish,” she instructed. “Here goes mine,” Mary said.

Jessica smiled. She squeezed her eyes shut and threw her coin far out into the waves. Somehow, she was sure they had all wished for the very same thing.

That’s the end. It’s heavily implied that the reader will know what they wished for, but I didn’t know when I first read this book in 1992 and I don’t know now. And I don’t know why it’s Jessica, Mandy, and Mary that do this. What about the other Unicorns? If anything, it should have been Jessica, Janet, and Lila, the three who thought they were cursed the whole time. I mean, Mary? She barely existed the whole book and then she’s in this final, supposedly significant scene? This is my only gripe with this otherwise perfect book. I think I’m gonna have to keep this one within reach for when I need a mindless escape to simpler times.

SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian (Part Two)

CHAPTERS 9 TO 12

If you missed the first part of this recap click here.

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OK, here we go! At the start of chapter 9, the telephone in the hotel room Lila, Jessica, and Ellen are sharing rings early in the morning. IT’S THE PINEAPPLE PEOPLE! And they’re looking for Jessica Wakely. Wait, what? Who? That’s right, they said Jessica Wakely.

The Unicorns are invited to the Pineapple People’s headquarters in Maui for a tour, as part of Jessica’s grand prize. Because what could be more fun while you’re in Hawaii than touring a bunch of office buildings and a pineapple processing plant?! They are also going to have a “tasting” of what Jessica assumes will be her prizewinning green glop.

Pineapple People VP Mr. Hakulani greets the Unicorns (+ Bambi). I wonder if he knows this is the most important group of girls at Sweet Valley Middle School? Jessica half-heartedly tries to correct him when he calls her “Ms. Wakely” but Mr. Hakulani isn’t listening. Crazy to think he doesn’t care what she has to say! There are things to do, you know. Mr. Hakulani has an exciting afternoon planned.

“First, a fascinating movie called Pineapple Panorama. It’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know about pineapple harvesting. It’s in black and white—I’m afraid the movie is a bit old—but you’re going to love it. After the movie, I will personally take you on a tour of our ultra-modern pineapple-processing plant. You’ll see it all—crushed pineapple, sliced pineapple, pineapple chunks. And it you’re really lucky, maybe I’ll give you a glimpse of our pineapple juice operation!”

As a middle-aged person with a pretty standard job, I have this to say about Mr. Hakulani’s excitement: GOOD. FOR. HIM.

After the movie and the tour, it’s time for the tasting. But instead of the green glop, the Unicorns are presented with a beautiful pineapple upside-down cake.

I don’t think I have ever had pineapple upside-down cake, and I would like to. Too bad I don’t have anyone to tell who will care.

Anyway. At this, Jessica quietly freaks. She’s now more convinced than ever that she’s in Hawaii by mistake, and really, Jessica Wakely, pineapple upside-down cake extraordinaire, should be in her place. She confides only in Mandy, who agrees that the Pineapple People have fucked up.

Jessica poked Mandy and pointed to Janet, who had just cornered Mr. Hakulani as he was biting into a piece of cake. “Mr. Hakulooloo?” Janet asked.

“Hakulani,” he corrected.

“Are you a real Hawaiian?”

He nodded. “I was born right here on Maui.”

Janet eased a bit closer, her head tilted awkwardly to one side. “Do I look familiar you to you?” she asked hopefully.

“Familiar?” Mr. Hakulani asked. “Why, no. I’m sure we’ve never met.”

Janet inched closer. How about this?” she demanded, pointing to the tiny mole by her mouth.

Mr. Hakulani looked around helplessly. “This?” he repeated.

“My beauty mark. Doesn’t it remind you of anyone? Anyone special?”

Mr. Hakulani frowned. “Well, my grandmother had a mole like that,” he said at last. “She had it removed, though.”

I nominate Mr. Hakulani for best one-off Sweet Valley Twins character ever.

Later that night (after they have a swim in the indoor pool, which immediately had me longing for the birthday parties people used to have in sixth grade at Embassy Suites), Jessica has a nightmare that she’s drowning in a sea of pineapple. Lila dreams that she is on trial for stealing a valuable artifact. Janet dreams that she is eating an ice cream sundae and lava starts coming out of it.

Safe to say at least half the Unicorns on this trip have lost it.

The next day, the girls, Bambi, and George go on a walking tour of a dormant volcano. Lila notices that the “stupid bracelet” Bambi gave her that her dad is making her wear is gone. “It probably fell off because the clasp on it was so cheap,” she grumbles. Li and Janet break apart from the group to retrace their steps looking for it. Nobody notices. That’s the kind of stellar supervision Ned and Alice wanted to make sure Jessica had.

As they walk, the air gets increasingly hot. When they finally decide to give up and catch back up with their group, they realize…they don’t know where the fuck they are.

Then, they hear rumbling. The ground shakes beneath their feet. Lila and Janet are convinced the volcano is erupting, and they freak.

“Pele!” Janet cried. “It’s me, Princess Keiko! Mellow out, would you?”

Hold on to your rosé, everyone—Janet’s plea does nothing.

Screaming hysterically, the girls try to “outrun the lava” and get off the volcano. Then, on the ground below, they spot the Unicorns and the tour group, laughing hysterically. People are even taking pictures.

Turns out, it was just a nearby bulldozer, hard at work enlarging a parking lot.

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The next day, George and Bambi send the Unicorns on a glass-bottom boat tour so they can go jewelry shopping. They actually say that this is the reason.

On the boat, Jessica notices Janet chatting up some young boys. That sounded terrible. Allow me to explain:

Next to her, Janet was making friends with two young boys, who were taking the tour with their grandmother. “Are you from Hawaii?” she asked the younger boy, who looked to Jessica to be about six years old.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said seriously.

“Do I look familiar to you?” Janet asked.

“Not again, Janet!” Jessica groaned.

“Have you ever seen me before?” Janet continued, smiling regally at the little boy.

“No, ma’am,” he said quietly.

“Well, have you ever seen one of these before?” Janet asked, pointing to her mole.

The little boy’s lips began to quiver, and suddenly he burst into tears.

“Stop poking your mole at people, Janet,” Lila said crossly. “You’re scaring them.”

Hee! A bit later, Jessica stands up, slips, and falls into the water.

Jessica thrashed wildly. Her wet clothes and running shoes were pulling her down like anchors. She flashed back to her horrible nightmare. It was coming true, right before her eyes!

Why isn’t someone trying to save me? Jessica wondered frantically. Could the water be filled with sharks?

Um, maybe nobody is trying to save you because they’re pretty sure that by 16 you’re going to be, at best, a ranging selfish bitch, and at worst, a full-blown psychopath. OR it could be because you’re not drowning.

Jessica finally hears that Lila is calling out to her: “Your feet! Put your feet down! There’s only three feet of water!”

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“It’s a red-faced Jessfish!” Mary exclaims as Jessica is pulled back onto the boat. Oh, Mary. You might be funny if hadn’t been for the whole creepily obsessed with Mrs. Wakefield thing awhile back and the fact that you have no discernable personality. Seriously, why MARY? What about Tamara Chase? Or Betsy Gordon? Or Kimberly Haver? What are the other Unicorns doing while more than half the club is in Hawaii, pretending they don’t exist? Are they still holding meetings? I want answers.

Bambi and George arrive, and Bambi brags about her new pearl ring. Mandy and Mary wonder if it’s an engagement ring. A pearl?! This is George Fowler we’re talking about. If I were to marry George Fowler, I would expect a diamond ring worthy of being showcased in Neil Lane’s sweaty hands on a Bachelor season finale, thankyouverymuch.

Lila gets a coral necklace. She reacts like spoiled little brat. When she hits the beach later, she meets a couple of cute Hawaiian boys. One, of course, is Kenji. The other is Lono, Kenji’s follower BFF who does whatever Kenji says and has the personality of your grandmother’s mop. She complains about her vacation, and the boys tell her the reason she’s having so much bad luck is because of her ring.

“That ring,” Kenji continued,” is no ordinary ring. It’s the sacred burial ring of King Kamehameha!”

“You mean they buried this ring with a dead person?” Lila cried.

The boys freak her out enough to want to take the ring off, but it’s stuck. A fellow tourist suggests her fingers are too fat. Ha!

Back at the hotel, Mandy and Mary gather the rest of the Unicorns to share the big news that they THINK George and Bambi are getting married. Says Mandy: “We think Lila’s about to have a new stepmother.”

Ellen gasped. “Who?!”

For fuck sake.

They decide to sneak into Bambi’s room for clues. Yes, Bambi has her own room. Something tells me she will be choosing to forego this room to stay in the fantasy suite with one George Fowler about every night though.

They find a magazine with a cover advertising a story called “How to Win Your Man!” Seriously, EW. Thank god mags have changed since 1991.

While they’re snooping, Bambi comes back! Mandy and Mary are out on the balcony. Janet, Ellen, and Jessica hide in the bathroom.

If I were Bambi, they would be screwed. There’s absolutely no way I would not need to use the bathroom. Speaking of, I think this is a good place to stop. Stay tuned!

SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian (Part One)

I am going to lead off here with a bold claim: this is the best Sweet Valley Twins book ever. Or, it’s at least top 5. Or, it’s the funniest.(Because I concede that there may be many “bests” for different reasons.) Because of this, I am doing this recap in 2 parts. Maybe 3. There’s just too much great stuff to squeeze into one.

Seriously, who wrote this? I want to know you. Brav-freaking-o.

Let’s start with the cover. Fantastic. Janet Howell (top, center) looks like the girls’ drunk aunt. She might as well be wearing a blazer and holding a near-empty glass of Pinot Grigio. Or a red with ice cubes in it (appalling.) Next to her, on the right: Mandy Miller—in my opinion, the prettiest Unicorn. Don’t know why she’s wearing Hulk Hogan’s shorts. Next to her, in the obligatory purple bikini—Lila Fowler. In the center, of course, is Jessica Wakefield. Kind of annoying, but fine. She is technically the reason they are all there. In the blue one-piece: national treasure Ellen Riteman. And then there’s Mary Robertson-Giacco-Wallace. Whatever.

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Jessica and Mandy are in the Wakefields’ Spanish-style kitchen. They’re supposed to be doing homework, but they wind up entering a contest sponsored by the “Pineapple People” that they see advertised in a magazine instead. They make “Poisonous Potato Salad.” We’re not told what’s in it beyond pineapple, green food coloring, and I assume, potatoes. It is described as “green glop” and “pasty.”

Flash-forward months later: Jessica finds out that she won the contest and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii for her and 2 best friends. Of fucking course she won. She’s Jessica. I’m sure it was in the fine print that if she entered, she would have to win.

Jessica invites Mandy and Mary on the trip with her (the Wakefield fam was set to go skiing with the grandparents during the exact timeframe when Jessica must take her trip). Ned and Alice briefly forbid Jess from going due to the fact that there will be no chaperone, but—tah-dahhhh!-Lila then calls and says her rich dad has business in Hawaii and so she’s going along with him—and he’s offered to pay for Janet and Ellen to come along too. Mighty generous, George!

Now that George Fowler is going, Ned and Alice decide it’s OK for Jessica to go. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t spend any time supervising his daughter in Sweet Valley. And the fact that he’s also bringing his girlfriend, a wannabe actress named Bambi—yes, Bambi. Lila HATES Bambi because 1) she steals her dad’s time away from her and 2) she gave her a cheap bracelet for Christmas.

Upon deplaning at the Maui airport, George calls, “Let’s go, girls!” Which I immediately read in Shania Twain’s voice. The girls are thrilled and impressed by everything they find at the hotel (including the white robes hanging in the closets, which, honestly always makes me happy also.)

George is off to a business meeting ASAP.

“Now, I suppose, as your official chaperone, I should lay down some ground rules.” He tapped his chin with his finger.”Hm,” he murmured, “Ground rules.”

Mr. Fowler sat down on the edge of one of the beds while the group watched him expectantly. His brow was furrowed and he seemed to be concentrating very hard. Suddenly his eyes lit up. “To start with, I don’t want you spending your money on inferior quality merchandise,” he instructed forcefully. “Shop carefully, and avoid tacky souvenir peddlers.” He crossed his arms over his chest, apparently satisfied.

Bambi volunteers to look after the girls, then announces she’s going to go work on her tan. Alone. Seriously my new life goal is to be any adult in Sweet Valley.

The Unicorns decide to split up for the afternoon because they all want to do different things. After “sauntering” (that’s my girl!) down the beach, Lila finds a ring in the sand.

“The ring was made of red stone, carved with what looked like the image of a Hawaiian god.”

Doesn’t sound that great but if Lila likes it, it must be awesome. She decides she must keep it and treasure it forever. (This all sounding a bit familiar but I’ll let it go.)

After shopping for “colorful T-shirts,” Janet is approached by a super cute boy named Kenji on the beach. Except it’s much weirder than it sounds.

“It’s amazing,” he murmured. “A miracle.” He shook his head. “I apologize. “It’s just that for me to be the lucky one to find you –it’s too much to be believed. At last, you have come back, Keiko!”

Janet is all like say what, my name’s Janet. You know, Janet Howell. President of the Unicorn Club and most important girl at Sweet Valley Middle School.

Kenji insists the Janet is the spitting image of Keiko, a beautiful Hawaiian princess who was adored by all the Hawaiian people. She fell in love with a poor fisherman’s son. Her father, the king, forbade her to marry him but she ran off with him anyway in his fishing boat. It’s assumed she drowned. The people all grieved, and Pele the volcano goddess caused volcanoes to erupt in anger.

“Legend has it that one day Keiko will return to her homeland. Once she does, if she ever tries to leave again, Pele will unleash her fury”—Kenji’s eyes grew wide, and his voice rose—consuming the islands in lava and burying all who dwell here.” He paused. “Including Keiko.”

Grim. Rather than be freaked out or amused, or ANYTHING somewhat normal, Janet’s just like, “OH MY GAHH THIS DUDE THINKS I AM BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS!” And she runs off to brag to the Unicorns—not that she LOOKS LIKE Keiko, but that she IS Keiko.

Jessica asks her if that’s spelled “like Cake with an ‘o’ on the end.” Lila tells her she can get the mole Kenji cited as proof that she’s Keiko surgically removed. Mary suggests that she’s spent too much time in the sun. The only one of her friends who seems vaguely interested is Ellen, so Janet relays the whole story to her.

Ellen’s expression clouded. “But the rest of us could leave, right?” she asked at last. “I mean, we could fly away while you stayed behind and got buried in lava, couldn’t we?”

Fuck, I love Ellen.

At this, Janet starts to worry. She hadn’t yet considered the entirety of what Kenji said. Hawaii is nice, but it’s no Sweet Valley. She actually thinks this.

That night, the girls have dinner in the hotel with George and Bambi. Mandy forgets her purse at the table, and when she and Mary go back to get it, they overhear Bambi fretting that she won’t make a good mother. They freak out thinking George and Bambi are getting married, and that Lila is going to go nuclear. They decide to say nothing and do nothing, which is probably the most mature response by anyone to anything in the whole book.

Let’s stop there for now. Look out for Part Two next week!

SVT #10: One of the Gang

This is the one where Jessica cares about people with disabilities for a second because she sprains her ankle and can’t compete in the school’s Mini Olympics.

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Quick side note: my elementary school had a Mini Olympics. For some reason I think square dancing was involved. I am from New Jersey. I know none of this makes sense, but I had to get it out there.

ANYWAY. When we open, Steven is teasing the twins, saying that he knew Jessica was going to have trouble with her math homework because he has ESP. Elizabeth says, “I’m not sure you’d need ESP to guess Jessica was going to have trouble with math.” Fuck you, Elizabeth. We can’t all be perfect like you, OK? Why don’t you go write a Sixers article about how fantastic you are?

Steven’s ESP talk has been going on for several weeks and it’s really getting on Jessica’s nerves. She wants to come up with a way to stop him (because whining to Alice hasn’t helped, shocker!). Oh, to be 12 again. This is the biggest thing on Jessica’s mind, aside from the upcoming Mini Olympics. Jess has been named chairman of this esteemed event. It is described as such:

“Each year the sixth graders organized the day-long festival for the younger grades. The fifth and sixth graders also joined in the competitions, which included every kind of sporting event imaginable.”

So, the fifth and sixth graders compete with kids in like, first, second, third, and fourth grade? I’m confused. My Mini Olympics was like a 2-hour evening event in the gym, I’m pretty sure. I know we got T-shirts.

Jessica is of course all high on herself for being the chairperson. She’s power-tripping all over the place, it’s gross.

The next day, Elizabeth runs into a girl from school named Pamela Jacobson at the library. Pam used to go to a “special” school for kids with disabilities because she has a heart condition, but she wanted to try going to a “regular” school so she convinced her parents to let her attend Sweet Valley. Pam and Liz get to talking and Liz is thrilled to find a new cause. I mean, um, get to know Pam better.

Elizabeth thinks about how unfair events like the Mini Olympics are to kids like Pam, and kids who just aren’t very good at sports. She brings it up to Jessica. And—surprise—Jessica doesn’t care at all. She basically says if kids don’t happen to be good at sports then that’s their problem, and also mentions that fat kids like Lois Waller should get in shape.

Does anyone remember the episode of Daria where Sandy falls down the stairs and breaks her leg and then she gets fat? I really wish that’s what happened here, but it’s not.

Determined to make Steven stop talking about ESP, the twins (mainly Jessica) decide to scare him into silence. Late one night, they break out the ladder from the garage. Jessica climbs up to Steven’s window wearing a sheet with holes cut out for the eyes. I have no idea what ghosts have to do with clairvoyance, so please don’t ask.

Jessica slips on the ladder and falls. A late-night tip to the ER confirms that she’s sprained her ankle and that she is a complete dumbass.

Jessica’s best frenemy, Lila Fowler, sees this as an opportunity to seize control of the Mini Olympics, and the 2 have a power struggle that lasts the rest of the book/their lives.

Elizabeth sees this as an opportunity to get Pamela involved in the Mini Olympics. She figures that now Jessica will care about making them more inclusive, since she will want to participate herself. She’s right—and Jessica immediately starts using Pam to take control of the event back from Lila. She drags her to committee meetings thinking that the adults in charge won’t be able to say no to her, etc. At one point Pam tells Jessica how glad she is that they have been hanging out, and we get this passage:

“Jessica felt alarmed. It was one thing standing up for her and rearranging the Olympics on her behalf—especially since Jessica got to reap most of the benefits. But she certainly didn’t want Pamela getting the wrong idea. She seemed like a nice enough girl, but Jessica had always been very choosy about her friends. Not like Elizabeth, who seemed to be drawn to serious types like Amy Sutton. Jessica just hoped Pamela didn’t start following her around all the time, expecting to be asked to be a Unicorn or something.”

I really like how the ghostwriter makes no attempt to sugarcoat Jessica’s selfishness.

Much of the middle of the book is about the Jess-Li power struggle and Pam’s wish to convince her parents, especially her dad, that she can make it at Sweet Valley Middle School. Jessica continues to get high on herself because everyone is saying how wonderful it is that she’s made the Mini Olympics more inclusive. She’s set to receive a special award from the PTA, and considers running for office. She thinks “Jessica Wakefield, first woman President of the United States,” has a nice ring to it. Please, Jess. We’re in enough trouble as it is.

Finally, it’s Mini Olympics day and we find out what the changes are. There’s a talent competition, where each team has to write a song and make up a short skit. Next, there’s an hour of “Brainpower.” Tents “stocked with games were set up in the fields. There were puzzles, word games, spelling bees, a Password competition, and a junior version of Wheel of Fortune.” Then there are a bunch of events like wheelchair races, crutch croquet, three-legged races, egg on a spoon races and stuff in the pool. There’s also a bed-making race, which…where do they even get these mattresses? Ew.

Anyway. There are 4 teams: red, white, blue, and black. Jessica and Pamela wind up together on the blue team. Jessica magically draws her own number for the crutch croquet, and since she’s been on crutches the past couple of weeks nobody else has a chance. I roll my eyes, as does Lila. Pam competes in the wheelchair race and brings the win home for the blue team. Her dad is there watching and the events of the day have finally convinced him that Pam can hold her own at Sweet Valley Middle School.

In the last chapter, we learn that Jessica’s ankle has healed. She goes off to hang out with Ellen Riteman, and we get the setup for the next book, Buried Treasure, which I recapped here. I don’t think we ever hear about Jessica talking to Pam ever again.

SVT #5: Sneaking Out

When we open, Sweet Valley Middle School is abuzz with excitement. As per usual. I hope these kids know how lucky they are that there always seems to be something exciting going on: a famous person moves in down the street, a mystery to solve, a contest with a fabulous prize, the list goes on.

So, what is it this time? JOHNNY BUCK is coming! That’s right, THE JOHNNY BUCK. The totally gorgeous, totally talented, totally fictional rock star is doing a concert at Secca Lake, and tickets (which are a mere $25) went on sale this morning. Only one student has tickets already: Bruce Patman. But of course.

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Jessica can’t wait to go to the concert. She’s sure she and Johnny have a special connection because last year, when her parents thought she and Elizabeth were too young to go to the concert, she went and stalked Johnny outside the Valley View Hotel and got the hat he threw out into the crowd. Sure, he didn’t specifically throw it to Jessica. Sure, Elizabeth caught the hat, not Jessica. But guess who has had the hat in her bedroom, sitting atop her stereo ever since? Jessica. (Bonus points go to the cover illustrator, who actually includes said hat peeking out ofJessica’s bag.)

As an aside, Ned and Alice thought the twins were too young for a concert but not for a mob scene? Kewl.

Unfortunately for Jessica, Ned and Alice still think the twins are still too young for the Buck. And neither of them can go to the concert, either. Elizabeth is disappointed. Jessica is determined.

Jessica devises a plan. She’ll go to the concert with Lila and sleep over Lila’s house. She’ll just not mention the whole concert part to her parents, who are dumb enough to believe Lila, who gets everything she wants, isn’t going to the concert.

The only thing standing in her way: she doesn’t have the $25 for a ticket. First, she tries to sell Elizabeth a new blouse she just bought at Kendall’s. When that doesn’t work, she tries to sell it to Amy Sutton. Wtf, Jessica? It’s a purple blouse, why not sell it to one of the Unicorns, because it’s purple? Or someone in their 50s, because it’s a blouse, and all the people you know are 12?

Then, everything falls into place: Jessica sees a notice on a bulletin board at Casey’s Place advertising a need for a dog sitter. The job lasts for 3 days. It pays $25. There’s only one problem: Jessica is afraid of dogs.

As you may have guessed, Jessica chooses to ignore this problem.

Mrs. Bramble, a sweet, kindly old lady, hires Jess on the spot to watch Sally, her only friend in the world, while she visits family. Jess even convinces her to pay her upfront, saying she needs the $25 to buy her mother a birthday present. It’s really pretty gross. (In fact, Alice’s birthday is approaching—it’s part of the reason Jess doesn’t have any money.)

And so, Sally temporarily moves in with the Wakefields. Everyone takes care of her—except Jessica.

Most of the middle of the book is kinda blah blah, Jessica repeatedly shirks her responsibilities and gets away with it. We do, however, get our first Brooke Dennis sighting. She’s mean and wearing stockings on the weekend! (I love these little dated details, especially those in the really early books—this one was published in 1986.)

Johnny Buck day! Mrs. Bramble is due back a short while before Jessica is due at Lila’s so they can leave for the concert. But—ruh-roh—she calls and says her bus broke down and she’s going to be late.

Jess panics and reveals her true psycho-selfish self. With no one around to take care of Sally for her, she “secures” the dog’s leash to a tree in the backyard and bails. So yeah, that photo on the cover of Jess tip-toeing out of her split-level ranch house on Calico drive while Sally stares after her is a misrepresentation of the animal abuse that actually occurs.

Sally breaks free like 30 seconds after Jessica leaves. When Elizabeth comes home, she panics and sets out to find Sally but has no luck.

When Alice gets home Elizabeth fills her in on everything except the fact that Jessica went to the concert. They then have the unenviable task of informing Mrs. Bramble—who came back with a present for Jessica—that Sally is lost.

Mrs. Bramble loses it, rightfully so. Alice says they need to go pick up Jessica at Lila’s and Elizabeth continues to stall so that Jessica’s concert scheme won’t be found out.

Elizabeth then has a brilliant idea—duh!—Sally must have gone home! They all race over to Shady Dale Court and find Sally asleep inside (she went in through her doggy door).

Finally, they go to Lila’s. Elizabeth finds Jessica, wearing the new dress Elizabeth bought with her own money for the upcoming sixth grade (and sixth billionth) dance, as well as ONE of the earrings the twins purchased for Alice’s birthday. Jessica, the dumb shit, lost the other one at the concert.

Here’s the outfit description from when Jess raids Elizabeth’s closet, by the way: “Then she saw what she was looking for. Pushed to one side, still in its transparent wrapper from Kendall’s, was the dress Elizabeth bought for the sixth-grade dance. It was pale beige, with a scoop neck and a raspberry jacket. Underneath it, on the floor, was a pair of soft leather slippers that were absolutely perfect.”

Maybe the “slippers” were a wonderful bright shade of beige, rather than pale.

Does it bother anyone else that Jessica is ALWAYS stealing clothes from Elizabeth yet they are supposed to have totally opposite styles, and Elizabeth is supposed to have no fashion sense?

Anyway. Jessica had a shit time at the concert. She got pushed around in the crowd, separated from Lila, and discovered that about a billion other girls had the same hat from Johnny.

Elizabeth lambasts her sister for her behavior and Alice makes her go straight to Mrs. Bramble’s to apologize—she’s also expected to return the $25, which she of course doesn’t have. She has a nice moment with the too-kind Mrs. Bramble about what it’s like to be young and impetuous, but of course she learns nothing.

As it turns out, the present Mrs. Bramble brought back for Jessica is a nice bracelet, which the twins sub in as Alice’s birthday present.

That’s about it. Jessica gives Elizabeth the hat, now that she knows how worthless it is, but Elizabeth acts like it’s a priceless, generous gift.

The last couple of pages remind us that Brooke Dennis moved to town and is an insufferable bitch, thereby setting up the next book, The New Girl.

SVT #54: The Big Party Weekend

(Note: recap written a short time before the COVID-19 outbreak. I have been appropriately social distancing for 3 weeks.)

OK, in honor of the fact that I will soon be throwing a party of my very own (it’s been a LONG time), I decided to read and recap Sweet Valley Twins No. 54, The Big Party Weekend.

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From the cover, it looks like the Wakefield sibs had quite a rager. There was pizza, potato chips, and store-brand Mountain Dew. To be fair, I will likely have 2 out of 3 of these items at my party as well. As I always say, you can be too young for alcohol but never too old for pizza and potato chips.

Here’s the story: Ned and Alice are heading out of town for a romahntic five days. The destination? Mexico. I’m assuming it’s for a romantic getaway—they never actually say but they also don’t call to check on their kids, ages 14 and 12, even ONCE while they’re gone, so I assume they’re boning the whole time. Provided Alice can get Ned out of his khakis.

The twins and Steven are under the very false impression that they’re not going to have a babysitter, so they plan a party. They tell all of their friends to show up Saturday at 8 to expect the best bash ever. And they brag that their parents are leaving them home without a babysitter. At least, Jessica does.

Then the truth comes out: Ned and Alice have hired May Brown, an old woman who believes in waking up before dawn, calisthenics, drinking water, and eating peas. I guess healthy living was the enemy of the early 90s.

May is a total drill sergeant. She sucks. She makes up stupid rules for the kids that don’t even align with what their parents’ rules are (but I’m sure Ned and Alice left absolutely no instructions). She quickly turns all three of them against her. Even Elizabeth hates May. They band together to get May out of the house so that they can proceed with their party. They put purple dye in her shampoo. They put “garlic powder, a couple of bay leaves, some cayenne pepper, and a few drops of Tabasco sauce” in her coffee.

Nothing gets rid of May, of course, because Ned and Alice would sue the elastic waistband pants off her if she abandoned the kids.

There are 2 boring B plots in this book: 1) Jessica, Elizabeth, and Steven are having a garage sale to make money so they can throw their party, and 2) Amy Sutton starts dating a douche she met at the mall.

Jessica accidentally sells a priceless family heirloom at the garage sale—the wooden rose true fans will recall from the Wakefields of Sweet Valley—for $75. Nobody ever explains why it’s worth anything at all. Theo Wakefield didn’t become a famous sculptor with an obvious signature style, did he? Is it made from some kind of rare wood? No hints, none at all. Predictably, Elizabeth is horrified and goes on a mission around town to find the rose, and Jessica doesn’t care at all, because think how many cans of orange soda $75 can buy!

Saturday, party day, arrives. May is still there, making their lives hell. Steven starts a fight with May (by trying to make himself microwaveable French fries) and then disappears with his duffel bag. Hours pass, Steven does not return. May starts to get nervous. Finally Steven calls and asks May to pick him up in Pallilla Canyon, which we’re told is “quite a drive” from the picture-perfect Southern California town of Sweet Valley. Really, he was just at the local supermarket, stocking up on party food.

While May is on a wild goose chase up the coast, the Wakefield kids enjoy their party. Kind of. At some point, some badseeds come in and take cookies out of the cupboard that were not for the guests, spill grape soda and let it dissolve into a sticky mess, and basically trash the place. Sounds like a bit much for that pathetic broom Steven is holding on the cover. There is no mention of actual drinking, but given that Steven is in high school, I think we can all assume.

Amy’s boyfriend Rob attends the party and basically calls everyone and everything stupid. He’s not like, super wrong. But he also tries to steal one of Jessica’s CDs, and is caught—by Ken Matthews, which is just laughable, I’m sorry. This is middle school Ken, not high school Ken. Amy and Rob break up and she lets Ken walk her home. That’ll show him. Yeah.

Jessica also gets some action—Aaron Dallas kisses her! “Lightly on the lips!” In front of everyone! She feels “tingly inside!” AND THEN…a piece of bologna comes hurtling through the air and smacks her in the face. Bahahahaha. A food fight ensues.

By 11, all of the people Liz, Jess, and Steven knew are gone. Only the bad kids remain. They try to get them to leave but are unsuccessful. One of them pushes Steven into the pool (yay, a pool push!) which now also has a bunch of trash in it.

Guess who saves the day?

May!

As predictable as 16-year-old Todd Wilkins punching someone, amiright? With a blow of her whistle (yeah, May’s got a whistle) and a “deadly stare,” May clears the house of unwanted guests. The kids are so grateful that they refuse to let May help them clean up the house, which of course they somehow manage to do before Ned and Alice get back the next day. I guess it’s not too far-fetched. There are three of them and it is possible to clean with lightning speed if it means covering your tracks with your parents. Not that I would know, I was a perfect teenager.

Oh, May also managed to track down the wooden rose and return it to Elizabeth, not that Jessica cared.

The book wraps up in kind of a rush: Ned and Alice return home, May leaves—holding a handmade “honorary grandmother” certificate Jessica made in 3 seconds which she treats like a prized possession—and that’s it. Ned and Alice barely ask how things went, and don’t say thank you for keeping the children alive while they were gone. No wonder their kids have terrible manners.

SVT #23: Claim to Fame

Let me begin by saying: I always liked this book. Reading it again was also a very nice experience. I always kind of find myself longing for a simpler time when I delve back into Sweet Valley, but there is something extra simple and special about No. 23, Claim to Fame, which just had me feeling really mellow and good. Like a Vicodin. But not that good.

OK, let’s take a look at the cover. There’s Elizabeth and Jessica (do I even need to tell you who’s who?) dressed for Sweet Valley Middle School’s 60s dance. The outfits and hairstyles actually match the descriptions in the book!

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We open with the whole school excitedly buzzing because there’s going to be a special assembly. Nobody knows why, but they think it has something to do with the school’s upcoming 25^th anniversary. During a brief interaction with Jessica and Lila, we learn that they know what’s going to be announced and are enjoying keeping it a secret from everyone.

The big announcement is that to celebrate the anniversary, the school is burying a time capsule that will be opened 25 years from now (now, as in, 1988—so the time capsule was scheduled to be opened in 2013, a good year for me, btw). There’s also a contest: students are to work in groups of 4 to collect items for the time capsule. The group with the best collection wins. Their items will go inside, along with PICTURES of the winning team members. Naturally, Jessica and Lila are positively giddy over this. They seem to think having their pictures placed inside a box that stays underground for 25 years will make them famous. Um, OK. Jessica even fantasizes about the students opening the box.

“What a beautiful girl,” says the student who pulls out a photo of Jessica. “She must have been really important to get her picture in the time capsule!”

The items are supposed to represent the 60s, but also Sweet Valley in the 60s. Items from the school are of particular consideration.

Jessica, Lila, Ellen, and Tamara are working as a team. So are Elizabeth, Amy, Julie, and…George Henkel, a shy student we’ve never heard of before and will never hear of again. One of the teachers basically guilts the girls into asking him to join their team. Why? That’s another Sweet Valley mystery none of us will ever be able to explain! George kind of shrugs and accepts the invitation but it seems he would have been perfectly happy not participating. As someone who loathes forced socialization, I always felt for George.

Oh, and they’re also having a 60s-themed dance. Because god forbid a week passes in Sweet Valley without a school dance.

Trying to make conversation, Elizabeth mentions that there’s a Mr. Henkel who lives on her street, and asks if George is of any relation. Mr. Henkel is in a wheelchair and kind of a recluse. Elizabeth, of course, brings him books from the library and helps him with small things around the house. (I really always wanted to be as nice as Elizabeth, but I always felt weird about it.)

George matter-of-factly replies that yeah, Mr. Henkel is his father. The girls are stunned—why doesn’t George live with his father? He tells them that he lives with his aunt and uncle. “What about your mother?” Amy asks, blunt AF. “She died,” says George. Nice going, Sutton. You’re not even a bitch yet!

Much of the rest of the book centers on the two teams and their search for items that will blow the judges away.

Jessica’s team heads to the mall. They wander around aimlessly until Ellen says she wants a new poster for her bedroom. I love Ellen, guys. Also, I miss buying posters for my bedroom. When exactly did it stop being OK for me to have posters on my walls? Is it too late for me to give that another go?

The girls begrudgingly head to the poster shop. Lila, in a burst of brilliance, asks if they have any movie posters from the 60s. The clerk shows them an original movie poster for something called Bikini Beach Party. It hung in the Sweet Valley Cinema when the movie was out. It’s a collector’s item, and expensive. Who knows why he showed it to a group of 12-year-old girls, but luckily for him, one of them has her dad’s black card.

Back at Lila’s house, they dig around in her dad’s study, where they find an old Beatles record. Lila exclaims that it must be an “original” record. I don’t really know what that means. Aren’t all records technically original? I guess it just means it was made in the 60s? Lila decides her dad will never miss it. So the Unicorn team now has two items, the poster and the record,

Elizabeth’s team meets downtown and heads to an antique store, which seems like a far better plan. There, they find an old English textbook with—gasp!—Sweet Valley Junior High (as it was called then) stamped on the inside cover. The store owner lets them have it for $1, and each team member rather sweetly contributes a quarter. Then, they leave, which I never understood. If you find something that good, why not continue to look around?

Later, Julie’s mom lets the team have an autographed picture of JFK for their collection. She comments that she hopes kids 25 years from now know who he was. That’s very admirable of her but I really feel like if eBay was around 1988, she wouldn’t give a crap about the time capsule, or tomorrow’s youth. Anyway, now Elizabeth’s team also has two items. And really, why pretend like anyone else in the school is competing? The Wakefield twins are involved, nobody else has a chance.

Elizabeth decides to do some research at the library to see if she can get more ideas. There’s a delightful scene in which the librarian teaches her about the microfilm machine.

“The newspapers are photographed on these rolls, and you use a microfilm reader to look at them,” says the librarian. Adults are so nice to kids in Sweet Valley, guys. First the poster shop man and now this librarian. Warms my heart.

Our expert reporter makes a major discovery: George Henkel’s father used to be the star quarterback of the Sweet Valley Junior High football team! And he made the winning catch at the championship game the school’s first season. The article mentions that the team carried him off the field and they all signed the football he caught and gave it to him. DO YOU SUPPOSE HE STILL HAS THE BALL?

Elizabeth rushes out of the library—but stops to pick up a few books for Mr. Henkel on her way out—and goes home to call Amy. The girls are ecstatic. They’re sure that Mr. Henkel still has the ball and will give it to George. Amy calls Julie and Elizabeth calls George—and that’s when we learn that not only does George not live with his father, he also doesn’t talk to him…and doesn’t want to. Elizabeth is crushed.

The next day, Elizabeth finds a piece of mail in her mailbox that belongs to Mr. Henkel, so she takes it over to him. She tells him it’s a letter, but it’s just a bill, which makes her sad. “He doesn’t even get any personal letters,” she thinks. Jeez, Elizabeth. Just because this bill wasn’t a personal letter doesn’t mean he doesn’t ever get ANY. Although he prob doesn’t, because as we will soon learn, Mr. Henkel is kind of an asshole.

Lizzie decides to ask Mr. Henkel about the championship game. His “eyes misted over” as he told her about it. The book that was on his lap slid off onto the floor but he didn’t even notice, he was so “caught up in his memories.” It’s actually not as pathetic as it sounds, it was quite sad. Mr. Henkel even shows Elizabeth the football. She takes a deep breath and mentions that it would be perfect for the contest.

Mr. Henkel snatches the ball back and says he can’t part with it. It’s all he’s got. Elizabeth says she understands, and on her way out mentions that she picked up some new books for him at the library, but she forgot them at home and she’ll bring them by on Saturday.

The next day is, I guess, Friday, and the day of the dance. There’s a really cute chapter about the twins getting ready with their mom’s help. Jessica tries to iron her hair on the ironing board (thank goodness there were no flat irons in the 80s, Jessica Wakefield with a flat iron would be an absolute biatch, amiright?) Mrs. Wakefield shows Jessica how to wrap her hair around her head with pins, which, idk, supposedly somehow makes it straight. Then she does Elizabeth’s hair in that flattering bouffant style you see on the cover. So Elizabeth is early 60s, Jessica is late 60s. How fitting, what with Elizabeth being born first and Jessica always being late and everything.

Everyone has fun at the dance, even George, who apparently has a crush on Nora Mercandy—and she likes him, too! Holy shit. Because everyone’s in such a good mood, Elizabeth asks George if he will consider asking his dad for the football—and he agrees! OMG OMG.

The next day, George asks. His dad refuses. Not only that, but he also tells George—HIS SON—that the football is the most important thing in the world to him. Wow, dude. You suck. You don’t even deserve Elizabeth bringing you those books from the library.

Speaking of the books, Elizabeth asks Jessica to bring them over to Mr. Henkel because she’s late for her riding lessons. Jessica begrudgingly agrees. By the time she gets there, Mr. Henkel’s had a change of heart. He wants George to have the ball. So he gives it to Jessica, thinking she’s Elizabeth. And Jessica corrects him and makes him take the ball back. No, just kidding, of course. Jessica lets him believe his mistake and runs home happily with the ball, then brags to all the Unicorns that they are going to win the contest.

The charade doesn’t last long. Since none of the Unicorns can keep their mouths shut, Elizabeth finds out Jessica has the football and makes her hand it over. Then Elizabeth gives it to George—but he throws it back in her face. Not literally. Though that would have been a welcome surprise twist. He says if his dad wants him to have it then he can give it to him himself, otherwise he doesn’t want it. Elizabeth relays this message to Mr. Henkel, who deduces that he has an ungrateful shit of a son and if he doesn’t want the football then that’s just fine with him. Mr. Henkel takes back the football. Elizabeth is upset—not only because of the whole contest thing but because she was hoping the football would reunite George and his father and now they hate each other more than ever and it’s all her fault. It kind of is, though.

The next day is Sunday, time capsule day. Jessica’s team throws a 60s fashion magazine into their collection and hope for the best. Elizabeth’s team hopes that their two items are strong enough to win on their own, but they aren’t super optimistic.

Everyone heads to the school, where there’s an assembly outside. Mr. Clark, the principal, is making a speech when he’s suddenly interrupted—by Mr. Henkel!—and he has the football!

“Will George Henkel please come down here?” Mr. Clark says into the microphone. God how embarrassing, honestly.

Mr. Henkel decides to make a speech. He basically says he’s become a miserable old cow in his, um, middle age, I guess? (#canrelate) and he lost sight of what was truly important to him, like his son, George. Again, very touching, very embarrassing. He then presents George with the football. Everyone applauds, and George places it on the table next to his team’s other items.

And then, of course, George, Elizabeth, Amy, and Julie win the contest. They make a surprisingly sophisticated presentation for sixth graders, explaining the meaning of all of their items and what they represent. The textbook represents education and their belief in their school. The photo represents leadership. And the football represents teamwork. It stands for working together to accomplish a goal, and is a symbol of something passed on from one generation to the next. It stands for their belief in their parents.

I’m not crying, you’re crying!

SVT Super Chiller #3: The Carnival Ghost

I’m just gonna say it: I loved this book back in the day, and it held up! Let’s look at the cover.

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That’s Elizabeth, wearing what appears to be Hawaiian-inspired scrubs. That chick floating around in the background is, as you might have guessed by the title of Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller 3, The Carnival Ghost. But we’ll get to that shortly!

Elizabeth and Jessica are out eating Chinese food with Ned, Alice, and Steven. They’re excited about the traveling carnival that’s opening in Sweet Valley tomorrow and runs until just before the end of winter break. The fam gets fortune cookies and Elizabeth’s says, “Avoid high places if you do not want to fall.” Dark. Also, duh.

When they head to the carnival the next day, they decide to go through the haunted house, pretty much first thing. There are two ways to get out: the vampire room and the ghost room. Jessica decides she and Elizabeth should split up so they can know what both rooms are like. Jess goes through the vampire room because, she notes, she “doesn’t like ghosts.” Vampires ARE sexier, after all.

That leaves Liz in the ghost room alone—OR IS SHE? Inside, Elizabeth meets a girl who tells her not to worry and helps her find her way out.

“It was a girl with solemn, dark eyes and long black hair. The girl was wearing an old-fashioned long white dress, and appeared to be a year or two younger than Elizabeth.”

The girl tells Elizabeth her name is Claire and her father owns the carnival. As they make their way through the room, they pass a gravestone that says “C.C. 1882-1892.”

When she gets out of the room, Elizabeth asks Jessica if she saw Claire and Jessica says she didn’t see anyone else come out. Spooky—or at least it would be to anyone else, but our favorite twins just shrug and split up again. Liz takes off to find Claire and Jessica goes to visit the fortune teller, Mademoiselle Z.

The next morning, Alice is shocked and concerned because Elizabeth didn’t make her bed before she left for the carnival. Amy Sutton shows up for a scheduled bike ride with Elizabeth and is shocked and concerned because Elizabeth forgot. Jessica purposely tells Amy about Claire because she knows Amy will get jealous. What a little b. Amy shares that she’s been researching the “Caldwell Carnival” for the Sixers and “there’s something strange” about it.

“They were forced to leave two other towns before the end of its scheduled run,” says Amy. “In one of the towns, a girl fell off a ride and was injured and there were rumors of other strange things happening to kids who visited the carnival.”

Jessica’s like, “Whatevs!” and heads for the carnival.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is there, looking for Claire, who appears out of seemingly thin air. This becomes a habit of Claire’s that Elizabeth never ever thinks is strange. I guess Elizabeth’s reporter instincts are on break, too.

Claire remarks that she’s lonely, that no other kids travel with the carnival and that she has no one to “play with.” Then she shows off her “trick” where she reads Elizabeth’s mind. She guesses she wants a root beer sno-cone (ew) and then guesses the number she’s thinking of (2,578). Elizabeth is amazed, but not suspicious. The girls check out the ponies, and they all freak out around Claire, who starts to cry and asks if Elizabeth will come see her every day. Again, Liz isn’t put off. She just says she’ll try.

When Jessica gets to the carnival, she goes to see Mademoiselle Z again. She likes her because last time she told her that a “happy event” would soon be occurring. This time, however, the fortune teller scares the crap out of Jessica and tells her to run home and if she values her life to never come back to the carnival ever again. Since Jess is the sensible twin in this book, she’s like, “OK!”

The next day, Elizabeth heads to the carnival again. She runs into her friend Julie and suggests they hang out with Claire together. Julie is all for it—but then suddenly, she freaks out and says she has to go home. Then, Claire shows up. Weird. Claire continues to talk about how Elizabeth will be her friend “forever and ever.”

Elizabeth asks Claire why she never wants to go on any of the rides, but Claire doesn’t give a straight answer. Then she turns Elizabeth’s lemonade black. She says it’s “magic.” Elizabeth STILL doesn’t stop hanging out with Claire.

Meanwhile, both Jessica and Lila have sworn off the carnival—but they do decide to plan a carnival-themed New Year’s Eve party. Yeah, doesn’t make sense to me either.

That night, Jessica wakes up to the sound of someone tapping on her window and saying “stay away.” She rightfully freaks, thinking it has something to do with the “curse” Mademoiselle Z put on her. Her parents are all like, it’s the wind, it was a nightmare, blah blah.

Elizabeth goes to the carnival again the next day and Claire does more weird stuff.

Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield tell Elizabeth they want her to invite Claire over for dinner. It might be my imagination, but I think Ned and Alice are actually showing concern for the fact that their kid seems to be obsessed with this girl she just met.

Later that night, Elizabeth has a nightmare that she’s falling. The next morning, Jessica tries to convince her to do something other than go to the freaking carnival, but Elizabeth—who is becoming increasingly zombie-like—says she has to go to the carnival. #BecauseClaire.

Elizabeth invites Claire for dinner, but Claire says she can’t leave the carnival. When Elizabeth asks why not, Claire says, “Why not what, Elizabeth?”

“Why not…um…why not….why don’t we go and play?” says Elizabeth.

Finally, it’s New Year’s Eve, and time for Lila’s party. Ned and Alice make Elizabeth go to the party, where all of the Unicorns are playing some type of carnival worker. Jessica is the fortune teller. There’s really nothing significant to report.

The following night, everyone is expecting Claire for dinner. Obvi, she never shows up. That’s the last straw for Ned and Alice. They tell Elizabeth they don’t want her to see Claire anymore. Elizabeth FREAKS. Amy shows up and starts talking about the Sixers and Elizabeth says he doesn’t CARE ABOUT THE SIXERS. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.

Amy and Jessica start talking about how weird Elizabeth is and Amy shares what she’s learned about the carnival. They decide to go meet Mr. Melman, who designed the haunted house. He tells them that the ghost room was the last part of the attraction that he worked on and he put in a gravestone that said “RIP.” Suddenly one day it changed—I’ll let you guess what it said instead. Mr. Melman remarks that “it was as if something horrible, something evil, had moved in.”

When Jessica gets home she tells Elizabeth what a little shit she’s been ever since the carnival came to town. Elizabeth sneaks out of her split-level ranch house on Calico Drive and heads to the carnival.

When Jessica realizes Elizabeth’s gone, she takes off for the carnival, too. Inside, she runs into Patrick Morris, who is running for his life away from the place, saying he was on the Ferris wheel and saw a ghost. It starts to rain and the carnival shuts down so Elizabeth is forced to come out without seeing Claire.

The next day, Elizabeth tricks her parents into letting her go to the carnival she can invite Claire “and her family” over for lunch. “After all,” she says. “The carnival will be leaving in a day.”

Jessica and Steven stay home and watch TV while Elizabeth goes to the carnival to chill with the ghost. While she’s out, someone calls and warns of danger. Jessica calls Amy for help but she doesn’t pick up. In desperation, she calls Lila.

“I just conditioned my hair.”

Fuck I love Lila.

Jessica goes to the carnival and amazingly doesn’t think about how crazy it is that this is the second time in a year that she’s going into a supposedly haunted place to save her sister.

Jessica sees Mademoiselle Z again and learns that the reason the fortune teller warned her to stay away from the carnival is that she saw Elizabeth hanging out with Claire—and she assumed Elizabeth was Jessica. I kinda can’t believe people would come to Sweet Valley and NOT know about the Wakefield twins, but OK. Oh, and Mademoiselle Z’s fiancé is the one who was banging on Jessica’s window.

Mademoiselle Z then tells Jessica the story of a girl whose parents owned a traveling carnival. The girl’s mother died and the dad was a jerk who never let her go on any of the rides. One night, the girl decided to sneak onto the Ferris wheel. When she tried to get off, her long dress got caught—and the Ferris wheel kept going. The girl fell to her death. The girl’s name was Claire.

Dun dun duhhhhh.

Over in Loserville, Claire is telling Elizabeth that they can still play together as long as she does whatever she says, and Elizabeth is all like, “Yes, Claire, I’ll do whatever you say.” Claire tells Elizabeth to go on the Ferris wheel. Elizabeth does. As you might have guessed, Jessica gets there just in time to jump into Elizabeth’s cart and manages to stop her from falling to her death. The twins hug and go home.

Kind of anticlimactic ending to an otherwise superb installment of Sweet Valley Twins.