SVH Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (Part One)

OK, guys. I’ve decided to venture into Sweet Valley High recaps. I made the somewhat stupid decision to start with a Super Edition, which is long and has shockingly tiny print. For that reason, I am going to provide this recap in installments. Part One will cover chapters 1-4.

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Elizabeth and Jessica are headed out on a bike trip up the California coast with several of their classmates (including, thank god/ghostwriter, Lila Fowler). The two teacher chaperones are Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton, who used to date and are now bitter exes. Another wise choice by the Sweet Valley school board! Oh, and Ms. Dalton is now dating Lila’s dad, so Lila hates her. Also joining the group is Barry Cooper, who I like to imagine as Bradley Cooper’s less attractive, less cool, and less talented cousin. Barry is principal “Chrome Dome” Cooper’s nephew and Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton take turns riding at a snail’s pace behind Barry so the group doesn’t leave him in the dust.

Another gift: boring-as-hell Enid Rollins (who replaces Amy Sutton as Elizabeth’s best friend in this series) is not on the trip because she got a summer job at “Casey’s Ice Cream Parlor” which we all know is actually called Casey’s Place. Ghostwriter fail!

The first place the group is “roughing it” is on the grounds of a multi-million dollar LA estate that belongs to Steve Thomas, a Hollywood hotshot and friend of Bruce Patman’s family. Steve has a badseed daughter, Courtney, and he wants her to join the trip so she is influenced by the good kids from Sweet Valley. Courtney is totally rude to everyone until it becomes clear that she has no choice when it comes to the bike trip. She suddenly becomes sickeningly sweet and it’s obvious to everyone (except of course Elizabeth and her stupid boyfriend Todd Wilkins) that she’s full of crap. Oh, Courtney is also gorgeous. She’s in love with her equally badseed boyfriend, Nolan Ruggers, but she’s planning to steal Todd from Elizabeth so that her dad will think she’s reformed, let her come home, and then she can run off with Nolan.

While in LA, the group goes to Disneyland—this is only notable because they had to leave early when Barry got sick on a ride. I don’t see why this meant they ALL had to leave early, but if that’s what they’re saying happened, OK.

By the time we get to chapter 4, Jessica and Lila have declared war on Courtney—privately, of course. Olivia Davidson overhears them talking and correctly calls them out on the fact that they hate Courtney because she’s attractive and getting a ton of attention from the guys. (To be fair, Courtney is also a super bitch, so Jess and Li’s feeling are not completely unfounded.) They decide they want Courtney off the trip and plan to basically bully her to the point where she tells her dad what’s going on and he has her come home. (I don’t know why Courtney doesn’t just think of this plan herself.)

At this next stop, it’s Annie Whitman’s turn to cook dinner. (The kids are rotating chores each day.) We start to see that Charlie Cashman has a crush on Annie, who has been trying hard to repair her reputation after sleeping with every guy who asked freshman year. A lot of what we are told regarding Charlie and Annie is presented as something Elizabeth sees—she’s very insightful unless it has anything to do with Todd and Courtney. Courtney is blatantly flirting with Todd and every time Liz thinks the slightest thing about it, she chastises herself. And anytime she acts the slightest bit annoyed, Todd chastises her. Meanwhile, Todd does absolutely nothing to discourage Courtney from coming on to him, all the while saying that he’s just trying to be friendly.

Honestly, go fuck yourself, Todd.

I think that’s a good place to stop for now. Stay tuned for part two!

SVT #12: Keeping Secrets

(Click here for the recap of SVT #11: Buried Treasure)

Compared with the secrets Elizabeth and Jessica have later in life (cheating on boyfriends, manslaughter, et. al), this secret is really lame. But before we get into that, let’s have a look at the cover. Here we see Jessica (in the blue, obvi, because her hair is down) and Elizabeth sitting at Guido’s Pizza Palace—yes, that’s the name—discussing their secret while Caroline Pearce listens in. Lord, did the illustrator do a number on Caroline. She makes Lois Waller look like a Wakefield twin. Caroline is alone because no one likes her. Literally no one. Not even Liz.

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The twins’ dad teaches them a secret language called Ithig. How do you speak Ithig, you ask? You insert “ithig” into every syllable of a word. Words that are a single syllable begin with Ithig. So, for example, “IthigI didithingn’t ithiglike ithigthis ithigbook. Ithigit ithiswas reallithigy territhigithible. I’m not even sure I did “terrible” right, guys. Ithig is a gigantic pain in the ass and I don’t know why anyone would want to speak it. It just makes everything longer. It would never survive in our culture of “totes” and “bt dubs,” et al.

But, this is Sweet Valley and anything the Wakefield twins do is worth doing. Caroline overhears the twins and their dad speaking Ithig and comes over and says she thought she heard them saying weird things. Ned made the girls promise not to tell anyone about Ithig so everyone’s like, nope. Nothing weird here! Caroline is a rude little brat so she persists, and finally Ned says, “You must have secrets in your family.” Anyone else think Ned has some serious dirt on the Pearces after that remark? Who says that to a 12-year-old girl?

Anyway, Caroline is the biggest gossip in town (hence why no one likes her) and she immediately tells the whole school that Elizabeth and Jessica have a secret language, and for some reason, people actually care. Even Lila Fowler, who has way cooler things to concern herself with, like organizing her gigantic wardrobe, redecorating her bedroom for the billionth time, ordering around her housekeeper, and drifting around on a humungous inflatable unicorn in her Olympic-size swimming pool. (I’m just guessing.) Lila turns on Jessica and Amy Sutton turns on Elizabeth. I find Amy’s feelings slightly more justifiable, as she has absolutely nothing going for her outside of being friends with Elizabeth and being able to twirl a baton.

The twins begin to wish they never heard of Ithig, and Jessica becomes especially desperate when Lila announces that her rich dad is hosting a tennis match at their mansion as a benefit for the hospital and all of her REAL FRIENDS are invited to come watch. A popular and super cute pro tennis pro will be playing in the match and everyone is #SOEXCITED.

Jessica caves and teaches Lila Ithig, and soon everyone in school knows it.

At this point, a new music teacher, Ms. McDonald, starts at Sweet Valley Middle School. She’s woefully underprepared for her job. The second the kids get a little rowdy she basically sobs at her desk. The kids decide they hate her and come up with a plan to speak only in Ithig when the superintendent comes to review her the next week. Wow, kids are assholes.

Elizabeth and Amy, who recently made up, are the only students to refuse to go along with the plan. Elizabeth decides to clue Ms. McDonald in, but it turns out that the teacher has already figured out how to speak Ithig just by hearing it in the halls. She’s a music teacher, don’tcha know—she’s got a good ear!

Review day comes and Lila asks a question in Ithig. Ms. McDonald calmly answers in Ithig and explains to the superintendent that the sixth-graders have a secret language, and although she would love to teach it to him, she can’t because it’s their secret. The kids are all shocked that Ms. McDonald is actually nice (Hey kids, total jerkwads don’t usually break down sobbing at their desks) and basically all’s well that ends well.

Oh, and Mary’s mom gets engaged. Like everything else in this book, who cares?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SVT #80: The Gossip War

 

I picked up this book just in time—it reminded me that if I can get through being a middle-schooler on any end of a three-way phone call, I can get through anything.

Cover notes: we see Jessica Wakefield, Ellen Riteman, and Lila Fowler. Jessica looks devilish (accurate), Ellen looks shocked (also accurate), and Lila looks like all my life goals (obviously accurate). I’m not sure why they have Ellen at a phone booth since the whole beginning of this book is about how Ellen thinks she’s hot shit now that she has her own phone line. OMG #So90s!

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“Who else had a phone that showed its insides through a clear plastic case?” Ellen thinks. Um, I sure did, and so did almost everyone I know, but hey, whatever makes you feel special, girl. Ellen, the most often-derided member of the Unicorn Club, is gunning to host club president Janet’s birthday, and now that she has her own phone, she has the confidence to go for what she wants—even though Jessica wants it, too.

Unfortunately for Jess, Ellen is beating her to the punch when it comes to getting the other Unicorns to agree with her—mostly because Jess has to share the phone with her whole freaking family. After she sees a commercial for three-way calling, she cooks up a plan to convince her parents to get it.

Jessica and Elizabeth have been assigned a current events project in history class, which serves perfectly as the foundation of Jessica’s plan and also our B-plot. So, while Jessica’s story shows the dangers of gossip, Elizabeth learns about the Cold War through her project (and in turn, young, impressionable readers learn that even a tiny white lie can take on a life of its own and damage reputations).

Elizabeth is assigned to work with Lila (lucky!) and Olivia Davidson, while Jessica is assigned to work with fellow Unicorn (but nice girl) Mandy Miller and Peter DeHaven, a dork whom she hopes will do all the work and probably does. Each group has to come up with a way the Soviet Union impacted American society. Elizabeth’s group chooses McCarthyism. It doesn’t matter, but Jessica’s group chooses the space race, Peter’s suggestion. We learn that he was in the Young Astronauts Club at Sweet Valley Elementary School, and I think, simultaneously, “What a nerd!” and “I hope my son wants to join a club like that.”

(There are really only two ways to impress me. One is to be John Stamos. The other is to be an astronaut.)

Jessica arranges for her group to work at Mandy’s house after school, and, weirdly, she also arranges for Elizabeth’s group to work at Olivia’s. Then she and Elizabeth put their dad through hell as he tries to arrange pickup that evening. It works! I guess it doesn’t take much to frustrate old Ned, but let’s be real, Alice probably isn’t putting out, for fear of having another child like Jessica.

By this time, Ellen’s standing with the Unicorns has risen to new and incredible heights. Janet has even asked Ellen to host and lead the next meeting in her absence, a fact she can’t wait to casually mention to Jessica, while Jessica delights in informing Ellen that she now has three-way calling. Oh, to be 12 again! (No, thank you.)

The meeting is held, and Ellen’s dad embarrasses her by popping in wearing an octopus hat, which he calls “Octavia.” He also asks if the girls are part of the Octopus Club. Then he says he’s on his way to “basketball night” because it’s “the night your mother lets me out on parole.”

Jessica doesn’t make the meeting because Alice is having a new client over for dinner. (This is the wacky C-plot, in which Alice is decorating a restaurant for a woman called Elvira, a crunchy-granola-hippie-dippy-yet-pretentious-asshole type. It’s 1994, so all the Wakefields make fun of Elvira’s organic-only menu.) She later hears from Mandy that the group voted to have Janet’s birthday at Ellen’s house but she wishes it was at Jessica’s house because Mr. Riteman is a crap cook. “He left hot dogs on the grill until they were drier than dust,” she says. “I practically choked.”

The girls then call Ellen so that Jessica can find out what her responsibility is for Janet’s party. Jessica and Ellen bicker, Mandy gets off the phone, and Ellen and Jessica call Lila. Ellen and Jessica continue to bicker and Jessica hangs up on Ellen—or so she thinks. After shouting “Goodbye!” she starts talking shit about Ellen to Lila, which includes the slight exaggeration that Mr. Riteman almost gave Mandy food poisoning. Ellen gasps and suggests Jessica read her instruction manual, which I thought was a pretty good comeback for Ellen.

Lila gets off the phone because she’s way above this drama, and Jessica and Ellen pretty much make up. But as you might have guessed, things don’t stop there.

Here’s where I need to take a deep breath.

On her way to school the next morning, Lila (riding in her father’s limo) sees another Unicorn, Belinda, walking on the sidewalk the way peasants do. She picks her up and tells her about Ellen and Jessica’s fight, and mentions that Mr. Riteman gave Mandy food poisoning. Belinda then tells Grace, who tells Tamara, and adds that Mandy was sick for a whole day. Tamara tells Kimberly, and adds that Mandy was “violently ill” and spent the whole day throwing up. Kimberly shares that her aunt had food poisoning once from chicken fajitas at a street fair and had to go to the hospital. Hundreds of people got sick from these chicken fajitas, she says. And, since her aunt is a nursery school teacher, she couldn’t go back to work for three weeks, until she could prove that all the poison was out of her body. (Huh?) Tamara then remarks that Mr. Riteman must have gotten in a lot of trouble. That’s when Betsy walks in and asks who got poisoned. Betsy then asks Mary if she heard about Mr. Riteman being in trouble with the law for poisoning a teacher. Mary then passes a note to Belinda asking if she’s heard about Mr. Riteman. Belinda says she heard about Mandy and asks if there was someone else, and Mary says yes, a schoolteacher, to which Belinda replies, “That must be why he’s out on parole!”

*headdesk*

The rumor gets out of control and everyone turns on Ellen because her dad is a killer. Eventually Janet (who, by the way, is going through a beatnik phase, which means she’s wearing all black, reading poetry, and drinking “java”) confronts Ellen about the rumors. Not knowing how far things have gone, Ellen says things like “he can’t help it” and “we’ve tried to get him to stop but he won’t.” When she finds out what is actually being said she freaks out and calls her dad at work and says, “Can you please tell my friend Janet you’re not a murderer?” He laughs but obliges.

Eventually, everyone turns on Jessica, who is hunted down the way Communists were if the Cold War took place in a middle school. Awkwardly, the Unicorns had already confirmed that they were moving Janet’s party to Jessica’s house, so Jessica comes up with a plan (with Elizabeth’s help) to show her friends how rumors can spiral quickly (and that what happened wasn’t her fault). Don’t ask me why they didn’t just move the party back to Ellen’s once clearing Mr. Riteman’s name. I guess he’s still a crap cook, so…

Using their three-way calling, the twins purposely plant a seed for a rumor that Johnny Buck (the rockstar that exists only the Sweet Valley universe) is playing in the Wakefield backyard for Janet’s party. Everyone falls right in line, exaggerating it more and more with each telling.

The night of Janet’s party, they’re like “Gotcha, we just meant that we’re playing Johnny Buck music at the party.” And everyone’s like, “Ohhhh.” And then they’re friends again.

I call bullshit on this. That was definitely not the indication given when Elizabeth said, “Can I tell you a secret? Johnny Buck is playing at Janet’s party!” But whatever. It’s Sweet Valley so the Wakefield twins are always right.

One last thing: the reason Ellen and Jessica were fighting over who got to host Janet’s birthday party was that they both wanted Janet’s hostess gift. Since she was in the middle of a beatnik phase, however, she gave Jessica a musty old book of poems, in which she wrote, “Jessica, these are deep. Savor them. –Janet.”

Honestly I really liked this book. Brava, ghost writer!

SVT #63: Poor Lila!

I needed some cheering up, so I decided to revisit a book that shines an ever-so-deserving spotlight on my favorite Sweet Valley character, Lila Fowler. In this book, Lila thinks her super rich dad has gone broke so she decides to take “poor lessons” from Melissa McCormick, whose musician dad is too creative to have a job that pays the bills.

Some cover notes: That’s my girl Lila scrubbing a bathroom floor and looking appropriately glum while Melissa and Elizabeth cheerily work beside her. Melissa’s boots are back in and as I understand from following the Instagram for a trendy secondhand clothing store in my area, so are Elizabeth’s bike shorts—but not like that. But that is definitely how I used to wear them.

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Lila is throwing the party of the century: The Unicorn Founding Fling. We open with the invitation, which states:

You are cordially invited to the annual

UNICORN FOUNDING FLING

to celebrate a great moment in history:

the founding of the Unicorn Club

 

We’re also told that the party takes place at “Lila Fowler’s estate” and the dress is “Formal or Fun” and honestly I can’t believe Lila is being that lenient about it.

Trouble begins when Lila is out with the other Unicorns shopping for outfits for the Fling. Her credit card is declined at a store called Clothes Encounters. (Ha!) Of course, she’s embarrassed and throws a fit, and her friends all tease her that she might be becoming poor like them. Lila finds none of it funny. (Admittedly, a sense of humor isn’t my girl’s strong suit.)

When she goes home, she overhears her housekeeper, Mrs. Pervis, firing the Fowlers’ longtime chauffer, Randall. “It has to do with the money,” says Mrs. Pervis. Lila freaks again, and the fact that her father doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to hire another chauffer makes her worry even more.

Still, she decides it’s OK to ask her dad to rent a purple hot-air balloon for the Fling. He rightfully loses his mind and says no. On account of never being told no in her life, Lila has a breakdown. “But it’s a purple balloon, daddy!” she cries, just in case he forgot that purple is the official color of the Unicorn Club. No dice.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Melissa have been volunteering at the daycare center at the Sweet Valley Homeless Shelter. They decide to ask around for clothing donations and Lila volunteers as part of her efforts to act like she’s definitely still the richest girl in town. Melissa shows up at Lila’s estate with a big cardboard box and Lila asks her if she can have whoever drove her there park a bit further away from the property, as the car is an old piece of embarrassing junk. It backfires and Lila actually ducks, screaming, because she thinks it’s a gun. TBH I don’t think I have ever heard a car backfire before either, and I am most definitely not in Lila’s tax bracket, so I have to give her this one. Melissa says her older brother, Andy, is driving and Lila suddenly decides it’s fine—Andy is cute.

Lila donates a bunch of expensive, useless clothing to the shelter. Silk gowns from Paris and stuff like that. While helping Melissa outside with the box, she overhears her father saying he “lost a fortune on this deal” over the phone. Lila takes this quite literally and in this moment, decides she’s def poor.

The next day, as Lila is trudging home from school in her black suede flats with little bows on them, Andy and Melissa offer her a ride. (Lila’s told everyone that Randall has beriberi, so she’s walking to and from school until he regains his health.) Upon learning that she’ll be eating dinner alone, they insist that she have dinner at their house. These two act like eating dinner in front of the TV is the biggest tragedy since Lindsay Lohan made the transition from promising actress to laughable mess. This is how I ate dinner every night between high school and having a baby, and may I just say, it was the best.

Lila goes to the McCormicks’ and learns how to peel carrots. Then she enjoys familial banter over dinner and listens to Mr. McCormick play guitar. He plays a song about a man who had everything and lost it and she starts to cry. Nice choice for after-dinner entertainment, loser. No wonder he can’t pay the bills with this guitar.

Lila eventually confides in Melissa that she’s not rich anymore. Melissa is skeptical but agrees to teach Lila how to function as a person without unlimited amounts of money. They shop at discount stores, Lila starts bringing her lunch to school, and Melissa convinces her to let her throw the Fling on a budget rather than cancel it completely. In exchange for the lessons, Lila agrees to help Melissa and Elizabeth out at the shelter.

The twins catch Lila shopping with Melissa at the discount store, and Lila makes an awkward exit. It’s then that Melissa spills the beans: Lila’s broke, and she’s worried that her friends won’t like her anymore once they find out. She swears them to secrecy, but Jessica obviously tells all the Unicorns.

That’s when we’re treated to a nice surprise: the Unicorns rally to show Lila they are friends regardless of her financial status. They also launch “Operation Fling” to save the party. Unfortunately, they don’t tell Lila any of this, so when she sees them buying party supplies without her she assumes they’re throwing their own party and she’s not invited.

The night before the Fling, Lila is frosting cupcakes in the kitchen—a sight Mr. Fowler cannot believe. Lila finally confronts her dad about being broke and he laughs at all of her concerns. He explains that she misinterpreted everything she has heard. Not only are they not broke, they have more money than ever!

The party is a huge success, and Lila is delighted when the Unicorns show up armed with trays of food and decorations.

Bonus: Lila invited the kids from the shelter to the party, and one of their dads gets a job as Mr. Fowler’s new chauffer! (This was the end to the whole B-plot, where Elizabeth and Melissa take an interest in a little boy named David who is discovered to be hiding his dog in an alley. Of course, the Wakefields take the dog in until David’s dad can find a job and get a house.)

A stellar ending for all involved.

Beriberi: A disease in which the body doesn’t have enough vitamin B-1. Usually caused by poor diet or alcoholism. Well, Randall did kind of seem the type.

SVT #7: Three’s a Crowd

Hey guys! It has taken me a little while to get through this recap (#life!) but I think it was meant to be—this is a perfect title to post on (almost) Mother’s Day! (Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there!)

Let’s begin with the cover: it features Elizabeth and Jessica’s friend Mary looking like she’s face-to-face with Jesus, and Elizabeth looking on with a satisfied smile on her face. Elizabeth totally would claim responsibility for the second coming, but no, that’s not what is happening here.

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Still, we open with an equally notable event: a Unicorn meeting. The club is trying to raise money in order to have a dance because they only have $13 in their treasury. My guess is that Janet Howell snorted the dues, you know what I’m saying? Girl is cray.

The Unicorns decide to put together a celebrity cookbook. This rather cute idea comes courtesy of Mary Giacco, a seventh grader who is a foster child and one of the less snobby members of the club. The girls all plan to write to their favorite stars and ask for recipes, and Jessica volunteers to type the whole cookbook because Elizabeth has a typewriter. (It’s 1987, folks!) Never mind the fact that Elizabeth actually needs her typewriter and Jessica doesn’t know how to type.

The next day, Mary goes home with Jessica after school. When they get there, Mary beams at the mere sight of Mrs. Wakefield. On her way out, Jessica suggests they meet at Mary’s house tomorrow to continue working (how many afternoons does it take to write a letter?). Mary hesitates and says Mrs. Altman doesn’t have a typewriter. Then, weirdly, it says, in italics: Mrs. Altman was Mary’s foster mother. Um, spooky?

Mary goes to the Wakefields’ again the following day, and she abandons Jessica and the letter-writing in order to help Mrs. Wakefield make broccoli souffle, which she thinks sounds delicious. Sure, Mary. Jessica notices that Mary “never takes her eyes off” her mom, and is rightfully creeped out. I’m shocked that Mary doesn’t start telling Mrs. Wakefield that she looks more like the twins’ older sister.

Mary asks if she can go home with Jessica the next two days, also. On the second day, Jessica tells her she’s going to Ellen’s house, and asks if she would like to come along. Mary begs off, confirming Jessica’s suspicions that she only wants to hang out with Mrs. Wakefield.

The day after that, Mary walks home with Elizabeth and actually “cranes her neck” to check out the driveway situation. “Looks like your mom is home,” she says. What does Elizabeth say? “Want to come in?” Of course, Mary says yes. When Jessica gets home, Mary is helping Mrs. Wakefield with dinner again, and Elizabeth is upstairs taking a nap. Mary probably drugged her.

Eventually, Jessica confronts Mary about her obsession with her mom. Mary obviously denies this, but even Elizabeth thinks Mary’s behavior is a bit odd. Jessica decides Mary can’t come over to the Wakefield house anymore—a fate worse than death in Sweet Valley.

Mary works herself back into Jessica’s good graces by giving her a bangle that Jess has always admired. How 80s. So basically, Jess trades her mom for a bracelet. I wish I could say I was shocked.

Now, all this time there has been a pretty boring subplot about Elizabeth’s class newspaper, The Sweet Valley Sixers. Mr. Bowman has entered the paper in a contest, a pretty big deal for Lizzie since she’s editor. They make the semifinals and are planning to submit a special issue they are doing about Career Day in hopes of winning the big prize.

Elizabeth brings the “final ditto master” home and leaves it on the kitchen table, where Mary and Jessica find it and decide to bring it up to Jessica’s room to peruse while they listen to records and drink grape juice. Do I even need to say what happens next?

Rather than come clean about the accident, Jessica takes it upon herself to “fix” the paper, which includes rewriting a couple of paragraphs for one story. Mary and Jessica retype the page on the typewriter but come up short, so Jess randomly sticks in one of her celebrity recipes. Jess also adds some more flair to one of Elizabeth’s articles.

That night, Jessica overhears her parents talking about Mary—apparently, Mr. Wakefield, a hotshot lawyer with no apparent specialty, received a call from Mary’s foster parents. They want to adopt her. Jessica decides the only natural thing to do is treat this information as scoop for the newspaper, so she adds it in—without telling Elizabeth, of course.

Then we have a scene where the Altmans ask Mary if they can adopt her and she’s like, no thanks. I’m waiting for my real mother to come find me. Mary’s real mother left her in the care of a trailer trash woman named Annie when she was like, 4, and then that woman basically kidnapped her. Then, at some point, Annie split and Mary went into the system. And then, by the grace of God, she eventually landed in Sweet Valley.

The paper comes out and pretty much everyone is horrified and angry. But this is Sweet Valley and the book is almost over so it doesn’t last long.

One day after school when everyone has made up, Mary goes home with Jessica yet again and Elizabeth waits outside the school for Amy, who has detention for doing a backflip in the library. Seems a bit of a harsh punishment to me, but whatever. Elizabeth is reading a book when she looks up and sees someone she thinks her mother walking toward her. But when the woman gets closer, she realizes it’s not her mom, it’s just someone who somehow has the same startlingly good and youthful looks.

The woman asks Elizabeth if she knows Mary Giacco. Elizabeth says yes and offers up the information that Mary is at her house right now with her twin. The woman is all like, “Can you take me there?” And Elizabeth is like, “Sure!” (I shortened that, but it’s the gist.) When Amy gets out of detention, they all head to the Wakefield house.

Right when they get there, Elizabeth realizes: this woman is Mary’s mother! No wonder Mary has been so creepily obsessed with Mrs. Wakefield—she reminds her of the woman who left her in the care of an uncaring and dangerous lady for days when she was a small child!

They ring the doorbell. Um, Elizabeth lives here, but OK. Guess who opens the door? Mary! She and her mom have a tearful reunion while Elizabeth stands nearby looking smug, taking credit for it all when she didn’t really do anything. They all go in the Wakefield house and talk. We learn that Mary’s mom lives about 2 hours away and has a sweet job where her boss “let” her have the day off when she told him she’d found her kidnapped child after like eight years of searching. Wow, what a guy.

To make this ending even more sickeningly sweet, The Sixers wins the contest and Mary’s mother decides they can stay in Sweet Valley. Phew! Otherwise Mary would have had tell her mom to take a hike, obviously.

 

 

SVT #28: April Fool!

Heads up! This book…isn’t very good. Every character acts like a jackass.  Even Lila fails to do anything awesome.

I am going to hold off on cover notes for now because this is one of the rare instances in which the cover actually correctly depicts what is described in the book. But here it is:

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Let’s get into it: It’s the day before April Fool’s Day and Jessica has the greatest idea for a joke ever—or so she says. The twins usually switch identities and absolutely no one is fooled by their joke anymore but Elizabeth is happy to just keep doing the same thing over and over again until she’s dead, because she’s boring. But Jessica wants to spice things up. She has a new idea for a joke, “an idea so terrific no one will be able to figure it out.”

Like this book, Jessica’s idea…isn’t very good. “We won’t actually change identities, we’ll just pretend we have!” Elizabeth is rightly all like, “huh?” Jessica yammers on until she gets Elizabeth to go along with the worst idea for a joke ever. In order to pretend that they’ve switched, Elizabeth is to wear her “most Elizabeth” outfit and Jessica will wear her “most Jessica” outfit. Those are the fabulous ensembles you see on the cover. I expected more out of Jessica, I really did. More purple, at least. Some earrings. Something. We are told she’s also wearing pink sneakers and pink-and-yellow socks, but we can’t see them. Maybe that’s what really brings the rest of this outfit to life, I don’t know. The twins plan to make their big reveal at the party held at the middle school the next night. Yes that’s right, there’s an April Fool’s Day party at Sweet Valley Middle School, and it’s an evening event.

The next 100 or so pages are basically just a bunch of lame jokes. Mrs. Wakefield wears a red wig and says she dyed her hair. April Fool! Mr. Wakefield’s tie is on backwards. April Fool! Steven pretends to have a heart attack. April Fool!

At school, the twins delight in correcting everyone about who’s who while nobody believes them, because it means that they are fooling everyone. But the fun soon ends for Elizabeth.

First, she wins an essay contest but Mr. Davis presents the award to Jessica because he thinks she’s really Elizabeth. The prize is a free year’s subscription to any magazine she wants. Elizabeth wanted some magazine about mysteries, and I have to admit that a mystery magazine does sound kind of cool. But Jessica asks for Teen Rock, and Elizabeth is horrified.

After class, Elizabeth is reprimanded by Mr. Davis because he thinks she’s Jessica. It seems he intercepted a note she wrote to Lila making fun of his clothes. Get a life, Mr. Davis. Why do you care what a couple of 12-year-old girls think about your clothes? Elizabeth gets a detention, but it’s really Jessica’s detention, and since she’s supposed to serve it after school that day, she has to go in Jessica’s place or it will ruin the joke. (I don’t really understand how, either.) Now Elizabeth is late for cooking class, so she runs in the hall and crashes into Mr. Edwards, the vice principal. He also gives her a detention. When she finally gets to cooking she makes a perfect souffle, but she gets a C because Mrs. Gerhart thinks she’s Jessica and Jessica made a shit souffle. Jessica, of course, gets Elizabeth’s A.

Things start looking up when both of Elizabeth’s detentions are mysteriously rescheduled for different afternoons. But then the Unicorns come calling with a “special job” for Jessica and somehow Elizabeth is roped into washing Ellen’s mom’s car all by herself while everyone else just stands around watching. April Fool, Jessica! Er, Elizabeth. (If you want to smack Elizabeth for being such a doormat right now, don’t worry, you’re not alone.)

At home, Elizabeth finds herself in trouble for Jessica again, when Mrs. Wakefield says she neglected to mail “the Oberman plans.” The punishment? She has to go to the town council meeting with her parents tonight instead of the party. I have attended many town council meetings in my life, and I can tell you that this indeed a harsh punishment. Then Jessica and Amy go swimming without her and have dinner at Amy’s house because Amy thinks Jessica is Elizabeth. (Seriously, what time is this party supposed to start? 10 pm? How do these kids have time to wash cars, go swimming, eat dinner and then get ready after school?)

Guess where the town council meeting is being held? Sweet Valley Middle School! Mrs. Wakefield advises Elizabeth to dress nicely for the town council meeting (something I assure you is not necessary unless you are actually on the town council) so she wears “her favorite blue dress with the lace collar.” Sounds geeky as hell.

They get to the school and Mrs. Wakefield asks Elizabeth to run something into the party for Jessica. Elizabeth can’t believe her mom is being so insensitive, but she does what she’s told because she’s Elizabeth.

Then everybody is like, “April Fool, Elizabeth!” Yup, the joke was on her the whole time. Jessica got the entire school, even faculty, to play along. Not only that, but the party is actually FOR Elizabeth. Why? Somebody call Robert Stack, because I sure as hell don’t know.

So, if you have a really bad April Fool’s Day, just remember, it might all be a ruse and someone is throwing a surprise party for you. But probably not.

SVT #15: The Older Boy

(Click here for the recap of SVT #14: Tug of War) 

Let me get this out of the way first—it’s not often that I agree with Jessica, but I can’t fault her for her desire to meet “an older guy,” as she says, repeatedly. Like, things haven’t really worked out for me with dudes in their 20s and 30s so I’m thinking “an older guy” in his 40s will be my next move.

Anyway, let’s check out the cover: Jess looks really cute here. It appears she’s  wearing the necklace we know her parents gave her for her sixteenth birthday, so that’s confusing. Josh also looks good, although perhaps a bit too much like Jessica. This is a “Special Book Fair Edition,” and I have no idea what makes it different from the non-book fair edition.

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Jessica meets handsome Sweet Valley High junior Josh Angler Friday night at the roller rink. He’s tall, he’s blond, he’s tan, he has strong arms that catch her when she’s about to fall, everything is perfect…except, he’s 16 and Jessica is 12. And that’s…well, not illegal, but for sure gross!

No big deal for Jess, though. She lies and says she’s 14—“and a half!” You know, the way 5-year-olds do. The pair exchange numbers and agree to go on a date. OMG!

Jessica is flying high at dinner with her family that night. We are treated to a nauseating description of parents Ned and Alice: “Mr. Wakefield, a handsome lawyer, had changed from his business suit into a cotton sweater and a pair of khaki trousers.” Seriously? My dad’s “relaxing at home” clothes are the same undershirt and shorts he’s had for 20 years. It gets worse: “Jessica loved the way her parents looked. Her mom seemed so young, with her blond pageboy and blue eyes. She was so slim and pretty, people always thought she was the twins’ older sister!”

If you haven’t offed yourself yet, let’s move on. The family discusses how Ned neglected to get tickets to the upcoming circus and now it’s sold out and everyone is disappointed. Nice going, Ned. Steven is disappointed too, and he’s 14, and I really don’t understand. But this is important, so remember it.

The next day, Jessica calls Lila to go over her plans for sneaking around with Josh for the millionth time. Lila is rightly annoyed. She would never screw this up, she’s not you, Jessica. Jess “can tell by the faint buzz in the background that Lila was talking on her cordless phone” and she’s jealous. Ha! The plan is that Jess will sleep over Lila’s and Josh will pick her up there. If her parents or her nosy twin call, Lila is supposed to say Jess is taking a bubble bath. This is totally believable because Lila is rich and probably has an amazing jacuzzi tub that Jessica doesn’t have at Casa Wakefield.

Jessica and Josh go on their date, which he, without warning, makes a double date (not cool, Josh). They pick up his best friend and his girlfriend, a chatty Cathy named Melanie who is “on the cheering squad, secretary of the student council and sings in the glee club.” Just the kind of person I could not stand. Jessica tells the group she just moved to Sweet Valley from Chicago, is a freshman at Sweet Valley High, and doesn’t know her brother, Steven. Wakefield is a common name, she says. No one corrects her.

The group goes to a movie and the Dairi Burger, which is the kind of place where kids could carve their initials into the walls and no one would get upset. Probably because it’s not yet the mid-90s when everyone started drawing penises all over everything. (Or maybe that’s just an age thing, IDK, that’s when I remember it starting to happen.) Jessica notices a “Josh & Anita” carving. HMM.

That night, Josh calls Jess “a sweet kid” and kisses her on the lips! Gross! She’s 12! They also make plans for next Saturday.

Lila demands to know all the details of Jessica’s date and specifically asks if they went “some place really fancy with lots of crystal and candles and everything.” Lila should be planning all my future dates.

On Sunday, Elizabeth and Amy are at the bookstore and Josh sees Liz and thinks she’s Jess. He approaches her and starts discussing Saturday night and Elizabeth just stares at him like a weirdo. Amy knows who Josh is because Caroline Pearce “pointed him out” once as her older sister Anita’s boyfriend. The girls figure out that Josh must know Jessica.

That evening, Jessica begins working on her excuse to be out of the house Saturday night. She tells her parents that her classmate, Kerry Glenn, invited her to come stay in her family’s cabin in Tahoe. Kerry and Jessica aren’t friends, by the way. But the Wakefields are like, sounds OK to us! Mrs. Wakefield does want to speak to Kerry’s mom though.

Josh calls and Elizabeth listens to the first part of their call on an extension, which is something we rarely have the opportunity to do in 2019 and that makes me sad. Many of my fondest childhood memories involve eavesdropping on my older brother’s phone conversations. If he had a cell phone then, what would I have done for fun?

Jessica is gushing on the phone and Elizabeth “can’t believe her sister is acting like such a jerk!” Really?! A quick glance at the list of books that preceded this one reveals Jessica has at least tormented Nora Mercandy and Brooke Dennis by now. Liz confronts Jessica, who tells a ridiculous story about how the plan for Saturday night is that Josh is going to call her at Kerry Glenn’s cabin so they can talk. Elizabeth believes her, an idea I find as implausible as Victoria Beckham eating a carb.

If you think that’s ridiculous, wait till you hear this: Lila calls Mrs. Wakefield pretending to be Kerry Glenn’s mother and Mrs. Wakefield falls for it. She even says things like “good heavens!” and Alice is like, yeah whatever, sounds good to me. She’s probably eager to get Jessica out of the house for a whole weekend.

Mr. Wakefield comes home and announces, triumphantly, that he got five tickets to the circus! But Jessica is “going to the cabin” and Steven says he’s made plans to go with friends. Womp womp.

Amy tells Elizabeth some more backstory on Josh and Anita, and that she’s heard Anita wants to get back together but Josh has met someone new—someone named Jessica! Elizabeth confronts Jessica again and this time Jessica lies and says she thought Josh was 14. Elizabeth feels bad for her. Jesus Christ, Jessica is a manipulative psychopath.

Jess and Josh talk on the phone and he tells her their next date will be another double, this time with his cousin, Megan, who is bringing a date named “Stu” or “Stan,” he can’t remember. HMM.

Imagine Jessica’s surprise when, on date night, they go to pick up Megan’s date…at the Wakefield house on Calico Drive! Yup, Megan’s date is Steven, and he’s rather surprised to see his psycho little sister in the front seat with Josh. Hilariously, he pretends to not know who she is and instead torture her with talk about all they have in common, both being freshmen at Sweet Valley High. Of course, this is the group of friends Steven is going to the circus with.

Hilarity ensues as Jessica begs Steven not to blow her cover and tries to avoid her parents at the circus, which you would think wouldn’t be that hard but apparently it’s impossible—she’s caught. By her parents, by Josh, the whole thing just blows up in her face the way it never ever does to liars in real life. Jessica gets grounded for two weeks, which seems like a pretty light punishment for all the lying she did. Not to mention the potentially dangerous situation she put herself in, but nobody mentions that 16-year-old boys want to have sex and Josh was on the rebound.

Oh, and Josh and Anita get back together, but who really cares?

 

 

 

SVT #14: Tug of War

First, some cover notes: As today’s actual teens say, Elizabeth, what the actual f**k are you wearing? Also, it’s clear the illustrator liked Elizabeth better (even though she’s wearing whatever that is!) because Jessica is holding a sign that literally says, “Jessica Wakefield is no one.” Great campaign, Jess.

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We open with a class party for Linda Lloyd, the sixth-grade president who is moving to Texas. Elizabeth is talking about the cookies she made, which she calls “Wakefield Specials.” I assume Jessica changes the meaning of that phrase once she gets to Sweet Valley High.

Since Linda is leaving Sweet Valley (I’m as shocked as you are that that’s a thing people do!), the sixth grade needs a new president. Everyone’s like, OMGAHHH what will we do?!

Elizabeth looks for Jessica at lunch and sees her eating with the Unicorns. We’re told that her “heart sinks” and I am confused because Jessica eats lunch with the Unicorns EVERY DAY so I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Maybe, like me, Liz is getting her period and everything bothers her.

As she approaches “the Unicorner,” Elizabeth thinks to herself that looking at Jessica is like looking in a mirror. You would think she’d be pretty used to looking like Jessica by now, but whatever.

During lunch, d-bag Jim Sturbridge mockingly asks dorky Randy Mason how he would feel if he were nominated for president. Randy, who is “always more interested in computers than people,” says he’d be pleased and everyone thinks what a loser he is, except for Elizabeth, who feels bad for Randy since he will never know the power of being a Wakefield twin.

At that point, Elizabeth’s friend Julie Porter comes over and says that Mr. Bowman told her he’s decided to let the class president decide what to do with the money the class earns from their upcoming book fair. This seems irresponsible. Also, I don’t understand how the class earns money from a book fair. Isn’t there like, some publisher making money from the sale of these books?

Quick side note: when I was in school, I LOVED the book fair. It is how I first discovered Sweet Valley Twins, in third grade. Loser alert: my picks that year were Twins book #37, The War Between the Twins, and the Student Thesaurus. Anyway.

Jessica says that if she were president, she would use the money to throw “an incredible party,” which I have no doubt would turn out like Fyre Festival. Elizabeth thinks buying a VCR for the school library is a much better idea and actually says so out loud and people still like her. The kids discuss the party, and because they think it should have something to do with books (to honor the…book fair? OK.), Jessica says it will be a costume party and everyone can come dressed as their favorite character from a book. My favorite person Lila Fowler says, “Maybe I can go as one of the Little Women. The pretty one.” Oh, Lila. If I am ever invited to a party like this, I am going to be you.

You can see where this is going. Each of the twins decides to run. Their only opponent winds up being Randy Mason and it’s mentioned, repeatedly, how he has no shot at winning. Thanks for fine-tuning your foreshadowing with a sledgehammer, ghostwriter!

Elizabeth, Julie, and Amy Sutton work on Elizabeth’s platform, which is:

-VCR for the Library

-Best Teacher Award

-Better Cafeteria Food

Lizzie has her first crisis of conscience shortly after, and decides she can’t really promise the cafeteria food thing. Leave it to Michelle Obama, Elizabeth. She’s working on it.

The girls make flyers in the VCR-less school library. There’s a great scene where they all talk about the “ditto master.” When they’re done, they help the librarian unpack new books. While they are oohing and aahing over titles like “Women in Sports,” the flyers go missing. They turn up at the end of the day in the school fountain, at which point I actually said out loud, “the school fountain?!” It’s revealed that Lila and Ellen Riteman destroyed the flyers on Jessica’s behalf, but Jessica didn’t know anything about it. (But of course, Elizabeth doesn’t know that.)

Then we’re treated to Randy Mason’s first effort at campaigning. It is a sign that says:

For maximum efficiency

in advocating rights and issues

pertinent to all sixth-grade students

Vote for Randy Mason

Catchy! Elizabeth gives Randy some advice after he admits that he doesn’t know what his classmates want. He doesn’t say, on account of them having ostracized me from every normal sixth grade activity, but we all know that’s what he’s thinking.

Jessica kicks off her campaign with a pool party at Lila’s mansion. Here, she decides to expand the costume party theme to include movie characters as well. Lila says this makes sense because, “Movies are made from scripts and a script is sort of like a book.” There’s a yearbook quote if I ever heard one. Jess also learns for the first time that the class presidents are expected to attend meetings, and she panics until she decides that as president, she will “do away with meetings.”

When Jessica gets home, she spies on Elizabeth and discovers that she is planning to hold a rally after the upcoming soccer game. Jess calls Lila to conspire, who says, “We don’t have to top it. We have to stop it.”

And indeed they do. Lila has boxes and boxes of Johnny Buck records (this book was published in 1987, btw) delivered to the site of the rally. Her rich father got a bunch of copies of Johnny Buck’s new single, that is not even in stores yet, for free. Jess and Lila spread the word that they will be giving out free records in the parking lot after the game, and everyone bolts. Elizabeth winds up delivering her rally speech to Randy Mason, Amy, Julie, and like seven losers who don’t like Johnny Buck, I guess.

It’s clear that Jessica has better connections. So far her friends have thrown her a party and gotten a ton of free records to use as bribes for votes. Elizabeth’s friends have gotten her 150 wet flyers and a 10-person rally.

At home, older brother Steven tells a depressed Elizabeth that she’s “such a wimp” for allowing Jessica to play dirty and not fighting back. He tips her off that there are some professionally made “Vote for Jessica” posters in the laundry room and eventually Elizabeth goes and draws a mustache on Jessica’s face on every last one. (I was as shocked as you are.)

Randy has a rally and only five people come. God, how pathetic. But, Elizabeth is one of them and she learns that Randy has some really good ideas, including about what to do with the book fair money: he says they can throw Jessica’s party but charge admission, then use that money to buy the VCR. Genius! Elizabeth laments that Randy is really the best candidate but he won’t win because she and Jessica are sooo popular.

The day before Election Day, the twins make up. Elizabeth helps Jessica pick out a “dark pink jersey dress and a purple sash” for the big day. And it’s not a trick.

Jessica makes a ridiculous speech where she basically says she wants to have a party and has no other plans for her presidency, which she hopes won’t take up too much of her time. Then, it’s Elizabeth’s turn. She drops out of the race and asks that everyone vote for Randy. Had to make a scene, didn’t you, Liz?

Randy wins, and he asks Elizabeth if she will be the “special executive assistant to the president” which sounds like something Donald Trump would say, and I’m scared for her. He also asks Jessica to organize the party, presumably because he’s never been to one.

The final chapter is a set-up for the next book, The Older Boy, which I coincidentally (really) just ordered on eBay. So I guess I’ll go ahead and do that one next!

(Click here for a recap of SVT #15: The Older Boy)

 

SVT SUPER CHILLER #5: The Curse of the Ruby Necklace

OK, guys. THIS WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TWINS BOOKS OF ALL TIME so I was super excited to read it again.

A few notes: I recall being with my mom when I chose this one (hi, mom!). She encouraged me to do so because she thought the mountain and lightning made it look scary. “Get this one, Little L-Sass. It looks like it could give you nightmares.” (My mom  was also the one to suggest I read Flowers in the Attic, by the way. I thank her for my lifelong interest in scary, messed-up shit.)

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We open with the twins on the beach, but it’s not the typical perfect Sweet Valley, California kind of day. THERE ARE DARK CLOUDS IN THE SKY. If I were either of the twins, I’d hibernate whenever the weather got dreary. “It looks like rain” in Sweet Valley means “It looks like someone’s about to be kidnapped, drive drunk, or get stalked by a psycho!” At least once they turn 16. For now it just means it looks like someone’s about to be cursed by a ruby necklace.

A lot is set up in chapter 1. Jessica finds said necklace on the beach. It’s covered in dirt and sand and who knows what else, and I have no idea why she picks it up and doesn’t assume it’s someone’s retainer. She also reveals that the REAL reason she wanted to go for a walk on the beach was to swing by the Keller Mansion, where a movie is being filmed over Spring Break. Jessica happens to know that they’re looking for extras her age.

Due the black clouds rolling in, Elizabeth wants to head home instead. The twins bicker. “Go ahead and be mad because I wanted to take you to the mansion for some excitement,” says Jessica. Man, I wish someone would say that to me. Anyway, the twins go and immediately get a bit part in the flick just because they’re twins (#childlaborlaws). The movie is called Dead Little Rich Girl. Date night, anyone?

On the way home and for the next few days, Jessica is obsessed with the necklace. She can’t stop staring at it or cleaning it and she says things like, “It’s mine. Mine!” She’s also sleeping with it under her pillow and having terrible nightmares. In the dreams, she sees a funny-looking hand “plunging into a box of glittering jewels” and has the sensation that she’s falling backward onto “sharp, deadly rocks.” Then she falls asleep in class and has a nightmare, which leads her to “groan softly” and “whimper” which would be REALLY embarrassing had she not scared the crap out of everyone by screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs.

Jessica is sent home from school and doesn’t take her backpack, which contains the necklace. Elizabeth takes it and heads to the library to do some research on what the movie could possibly be about. Apparently the title doesn’t offer many clues for our budding journalist.

This is when Liz finds out—while reading old newspapers on the microfilm machine!—that a 12-year-old girl named Lillian Keller fell to her death from a balcony in 1939. She thinks the movie may have something to do with that. Jesus, I thought Elizabeth was the smart twin.

As you might have guessed, now that Liz is in possession of the necklace, she’s obsessed with it. She even sneaks into the science lab to get a solvent to clean more of it off! In the process, she loosens the center stone—a huge ruby she thinks is fake—and finds the initials “JKT” written behind it. She glues the stone back into place, carries on being obsessed with it, sleeps with it under her pillow, and has the same nightmare as Jessica.  Dun Dun Dunnnn.

The twins begin shooting the movie and meet a lighting technician named Harold Brooks. We’re told that he is smoking a cigarette and has one hand in his pocket. (And the other one is givin’ a high-five!) Alas, Harold Brooks is not only the personification of an Alanis Morrisette song, he’s also, like, kinda weird. It’s decided that Jessica will mainly do the acting and Elizabeth will follow the director, Becka Silver, around for a story for the sixth-grade newspaper. Why Becka allows this, I have no idea. I also have no idea why she allows the twins’ cousin, Robin, to “hang out” on the set while she’s visiting from San Diego. (Robin eventually lands a gig as extra when Shawn Brockaway, the star playing Lillian, is such a horrendous biatch to someone else that they quit.)

The movie IS about Lillian’s death, by the way. DUH. We learn that on the day of her 12th birthday party, Lillian’s mother gave her a ruby necklace. This infuriated her cousin, Hilda Tomlinson, a 12-year-old orphan who was taken in by the Kellers. Hilda insisted that the necklace belonged to her mother and it should have eventually been hers, not Lillian’s. The girls fought and a short while later Lillian had fallen from the balcony off her parents’ bedroom. Hilda was found standing there, holding a torn piece of Lillian’s dress, and was later sent to a home for the criminally insane. She was released when she turned 18 and no one ever heard from her again. Becka tried to find her but couldn’t, so she assumes she’s dead. Gee, something tells me she didn’t try very hard. Then again, Hilda could be a killer, so, not the kind of gal you want to track down.

At some point that should have come much, much earlier, Elizabeth figures out that the ruby necklace Lillian and Hilda fought over is the same one Jessica found on the beach. The girls also realize that the funny-looking hand they saw in their dreams looks funny because it only has four fingers. To test the theory that Dead Lillian is trying to communicate with them through the necklace, they make Robin sleep with it under her pillow. Whaddya know? She has the same nightmare.

The next day on set, Elizabeth is snooping around Lillian’s parents’ bedroom, where she runs into Mr. Brooks. He ALSO seems to be snooping around. WEIRD. He tells Elizabeth he had to sneak upstairs for a smoke because nobody likes it when he smokes in front of them. Of course, when Elizabeth goes back downstairs she realizes it’s 1993 and everyone smokes all over the place and nobody cares. She wonders why Mr. Brooks would lie and is left with a “lingering uneasy feeling.” Welcome to my life, Elizabeth. It’s just one long uneasy feeling, tempered only by bottles of Malbec and a subscription to Amazon Prime.

Becka invites the girls to watch some of the film they have so far and Dead Lillian appears on the screen. (I find each of these occurrences equally implausible.) Robin sees her clear as day, Elizabeth can sort of see her and Jessica can barely see her. Becka and everyone else watching can’t see her at all. #BecauseNecklace.

Eventually, the girls figure out that Hilda could have gotten married and that Becka could have been looking for her under her maiden name. To the microfilm machine! They find the wedding announcement and then look up Hilda by her married name—Hilda Zalanski—and find that she lives right in Sweet Valley, a stone’s throw from the Keller manse. Why would she stay so close to the scene of so much pain? Well, it is an ocean view.

They all decide to go visit Hilda and, you know, just casually ask if she’s a killer. Elizabeth writes a note to her parents which includes the following:

“We’re going to see Hilda Zalanski, who used to be Hilda Tomlinson. Her phone number and address are in the phone book. She’s the one who is supposed to have killed Lillian Keller.”

Yup.

Anyway, the girls go and find Hilda. She’s old so first she’s like, get off my lawn, but eventually she invites the twins inside for tea (Smart Robin stays outside) and tells them she did not kill Lillian. Lillian was already hanging off the balcony by the time she got there and the reason why she was holding a piece of her dress was because she tried to pull her back up but couldn’t. She also mentions that there was a chauffer hanging around. A guy named Harry Dennison who 1) wanted to be rich and 2) was very vain. He had some type of accident, you see, and always kept his hand in his pocket. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. Harry claimed that he saw Hilda push Lillian.

For real, where were Lillian’s parents while all this was going on? “In the parlor with the other adults,” says Hilda. #Goals

Back to the set: Elizabeth sees Mr. Brooks reach out to catch a falling light with both hands. Which means he takes his other hand out of his pocket. HE HAS FOUR FINGERS!

(I literally stopped taking notes at this point. This book is a freakin’ lot, you guys.)

The girls do some more sleuthing and get Becka involved. They find that you can’t see the balcony from where Harry/Mr. Brooks says he was when he saw Hilda push Lillian. Then they devise a plan to get Harry/Mr. Books to confess: Jessica dresses up like Dead Lillian, puts the necklace on and scares the crap out of Harry/Mr. Brooks, right? He’ll see the necklace, be like OMG THAT IS THE NECKLACE I TRIED TO STEAL 40-50 YEARS AGO! All this happens, but he doesn’t buy that Jessica is Dead Lillian. He locks the door to the bedroom and backs her out onto the balcony. Jessica hilariously starts screaming her code word for “come help me right the fuck now” which is “Unicorns!” but Elizabeth et al can’t get to her because of the locked door.

Harry/Mr. Brooks is determined to get his hands on the necklace. “I’ve replayed that moment in my mind for years,” he says. “That brief moment when I held millions in my hand. All my life I’ve waited for a chance like that to come again.” Then he reaches out with his four-fingered hand and rips the necklace off Jessica.

Now, call me crazy, BUT, if you were going to steal something worth millions and you had one hand with five fingers and one hand with four, which one would you choose to hold it with? That’s all I’m saying.

In the end, Dead Lillian appears to Harry/Mr. Brooks and guilts him into turning himself in. Hilda’s name is cleared, the necklace is returned to her (the initials JKT were Hilda’s mother’s, by the way) and Hilda is invited to sit and watch some of the film. Dead Lillian appears to her and Elizabeth and Jessica excuse themselves because they figure Hilda and Dead Lillian “have a lot to talk about.”

THE END!  And there was a lot more that I left out, if you can believe it. 183 pages and only like three short scenes with the amazing Lila Fowler. Shame.

SVT #38: Lois Strikes Back

 

Teaser line: Has Bruce gone too far? (This would indicate a completely different story if it was on a SVH cover)

Truth to title rating: 5/10. I fail to see how Lois did any striking back.

Some complaints: There was minimal Lila in this book. Also the mere mention of cake made me hungry.

Winner: Ellen Riteman, for correctly stating that a bike-a-thon doesn’t sound like very much fun.

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I chose this book for my first recap because, well, it was the first Twins book I found before I got tired of rooting around my basement, and this series is my favorite. Judging by the sticker on the cover, I picked this one up at a second-hand bookstore. The cover features both our protagonist, Lois Waller, and our antagonist, Bruce Patman. It’s important to note that Lois is supposed to be Sweet Valley Middle School’s resident fat girl, but here she is on the cover looking completely normal. (Except for her outfit. Seriously, Lois, what is that outfit?) Perhaps she looks huge standing next to the perfect Wakefield twins?

We open with Elizabeth and Jessica rushing to homeroom. Well, Elizabeth is rushing, and Jessica is searching the halls for her friend Tamara. She wants to ask her if she’s going to the Unicorn meeting at lunch today. What else would she be doing, Jess? Smoking a joint with Mr. Bowman in the bathroom? Jess can’t find Tamara so the twins head into homeroom. On Mr. Davis’ desk is a picture of a “shiny mountain bike” and the room is abuzz with chatter. Mr. Davis then explains the plot of this book: the PTA is sponsoring a bike-a-thon to raise money to buy the middle school library “video cassette recorders and a selection of tapes.” They decided to do this after their previous fundraiser—which was held in order to buy books—was so successful. Really? The library needed help to buy books? I thought Sweet Valley was primarily a nice upper-middle class community.

Here’s how the bike-a-thon works: students will get people to put up an amount of money per mile they ride and whoever earns the most money for the library wins the bike. The course is 30 miles, which seems like a hell of a long way. Everyone is super excited, which I never understood as someone with no athletic ability.

Later that day, Lois asks to sit with Elizabeth and Amy Sutton during lunch. We’re told that she’s holding a “very full tray.” Because, you know. She’s fat. She proceeds to tell Liz and Amy that she plans to enter the bike-a-thon. Both girls are surprised by Lois’ plans. Because, you know, she’s fat. That’s when Bruce Patman comes over and proceeds to announce to the whole cafeteria what Lois is eating for lunch: a “huge helping” of spaghetti, two pieces of garlic bread, chocolate milk, a piece of cake and ice cream. It’s actually quite cruel. Then he tells her to “enjoy the banquet,” which, OK, is sort of funny.

The following day, Bruce trips over Lois’ backpack in the lunch line. He winds up sprawled out on the floor with macaroni and cheese in his hair. Everyone laughs at him and he vows to get revenge on Lois by stealing her dream of winning the bike-a-thon. Bruce of 2019 would just complain to his parents who would then succeed in getting backpacks banned from the lunch line.

In the next scene of note, Liz and Jessica are back in homeroom and Mr. Davis asks how everyone is doing with their pledges. It’s revealed that Lois has the most, with 23. On the way out of homeroom, Liz and Amy congratulate Lois on her progress and Amy notes: “Don’t just think about how many sponsors you have. How far you ride counts, too.” Jeez, I thought Amy didn’t become a huge bitch until after she moves back from Connecticut junior year? Was that a bit of foreshadowing?

By this time, Jessica has already lost interest in the bike-a-thon because her efforts to get sponsors weren’t that successful and because Janet Howell, president of the Unicorn Club, declared that none of the Unicorns should participate. What Janet says goes!

Later that night, Bruce asks his parents to sponsor him in the bike-a-thon while they eat dessert on their “well-tended terrace.” They agree to put up $10 a mile each, which means that if Bruce finishes the course, he will earn $600 and definitely beat Lois even if she by some miracle manages to drag her fat ass over the finish line. “Just thinking about Lois huffing and puffing through 30 miles was enough to bring a smile to his lips.” Yeah, totally normal. Let me just remind everyone Bruce is a rich, athletic seventh grade boy and he’s chosen an overweight sixth grade girl as his nemesis. The next day in school, he tells Lois about his pledges and again insists she’ll never finish the course. Lois feels defeated already but manages to say that she plans to “ride as long and hard as I possibly can.” I’ll just leave that there for those of us with immature minds.

After school, Lois heads to the Dairi Burger with Elizabeth and Amy, who help her figure out that her grand total per mile is $18.50—not far off from Bruce’s $20. You’d think Lois would have done the math a few times before this, just out of curiosity, but no. She vows to get more pledges and does so by pestering the people at the retirement home where her mother works, even though her mother told her not to.

Finally, it’s bike-a-thon day. At the race, everyone is given a white helmet with “Sweet Valley Bike-A-Thon” printed on the front. Sounds kind of expensive, no? Especially for a school that not too long ago couldn’t afford books.

Jessica tried to get out of the bike-a-thon at the last minute but her parents wouldn’t let her. She’s also learned that her BFF Lila Fowler (my favorite Sweet Valley character) has gotten her hands on the latest Johnny Buck album and she’s invited some kids—including BOYS!—over to her mansion to listen to it. Jessica shyly tells Bruce about the listening party before the bike-a-thon begins (this is important!) and he seems interested. Then, she ditches the course after four miles and heads to Lila’s. (This is important!)

As reporters for the sixth-grade newspaper, Elizabeth and Amy are riding along with the bike-a-thon’s biggest potential earners. Liz goes with Lois and Amy goes with Bruce. Elizabeth “can’t remember ever riding at such a snail’s pace.” Lois quits at mile 22 and Liz does nothing to try to convince her to keep going because she’s tired as well. Amy later reports that she lost Bruce around mile 8 (this is important!) but that she finished the course and everyone who crossed the finish line was given a gift certificate for a free ice cream sundae at Casey’s Place (this is important!).

On Monday, the halls are still abuzz with talk about the bike-a-thon and Bruce is waving the $600 check from his parents around claiming it’s proof that he finished the course. But Elizabeth, ace reporter that she is, thinks something WEIRD is going on because she knows he also spent the afternoon at Lila’s with Jessica. HOW did he ride the whole way AND make it to Lila’s in time to hear the Johnny Buck album? HOW? AND he doesn’t seem to know about the gift certificate to Casey’s Place. WHY?

He obviously didn’t really finish the course and is lying, because Bruce is a shit. But it takes Elizabeth way too long to figure this out. When she’s finally convinced that there is something for Bruce to confess, she “tricks” him into admitting it. It’s like the ending of a bad TV movie where the antagonist reveals every single crazy thing they did to get to this point. It’s terrible, really. Bad ghost writer! Bad!

And so, Lois Waller (who has shed a few pounds!) is named the winner of the bike-a-thon and the “shiny mountain bike.” And it’s all thanks to Elizabeth’s expert sleuthing.

Oh, and Jess and Liz had a weak bet on Bruce’s potential guilt. Jess sided with Bruce because she’s an idiot and because he’s soooo cute, and lost. So she gets stuck with Elizabeth’s chores for the week which leads to a family discussion at dinner about how irresponsible Jessica is. She vows to be the most responsible 12-year-old ever the following week, while Mrs. Wakefield is away on business. And there’s the set-up for SVT #39, Jessica and the Money Mix-Up.