SVT #48: Mandy Miller Fights Back

(Click here for a recap of Sweet Valley Twins #47, Jessica’s New Look)

Ugh, you guys. This book. This book is pretty different from any other Sweet Valley Twins book. Or even any Sweet Valley book, period. Why? Because Jessica shows remarkable humanity. It must be the new glasses she just got and is somehow still wearing. I REALLY did not expect this kind of continuity.

Let’s check out the cover. That’s Mandy Miller in the pink headband. She’s pre-Unicorn here. I’m assuming that once she gets accepted into the club they made her burn that nightgown. Pretty sure that’s Lila sitting next to her in bed. She’s got a cool outfit on, but kind of a questionable expression. Like she’s seeing Mandy in a whole new way, but this isn’t that kind of book, exactly. Jessica looks appropriately sad—you see, Mandy has cancer.

So yeah, this book isn’t really a pick-me-up. The cancer isn’t even the worst part though. Another thing that’s truly sad is that Mandy, who is awesome and funny, if a bit over-eager, is trying like hell to be accepted by the vapid Unicorns. For weeks, she’s been hanging around, offering favors, and letting them take advantage of her.

She mostly sticks with Jessica, who has begrudgingly started to like Mandy even though her dumb friends don’t. She’s in a difficult position because they want her to tell Mandy there’s no way she’ll ever be a Unicorn. She’s not COOL enough, because she has a sense of humor, her own sense of style, and doesn’t exist for the sole purpose of making others feel inferior to her. Jessica agrees to deliver the news, and she’s dreading it.

Things get worse when Mandy and Jessica are paired together for a social studies project. She finds out later from Elizabeth that Mandy did her a solid by volunteering to be her partner because nobody else wanted to. It seems that Jessica is somewhat of a goof-off in class and has a rep for being irresponsible—case in point, she was late to class and missed the whole choosing partners thing.

The social studies project is also a contest. A museum in Hollywood is putting on a 1920s festival (That sounds awesome) and Mrs. Arnette is going to enter the most interesting projects into the festival’s contest. Mandy has a good idea: she and Jessica should do a vaudeville act. Her grandparents were vaudeville actors and she still has a bunch of their costumes and props. Again, Mandy is awesome. Her family tree is far more interesting that any of the Unicorns’, I’m fairly certain.

That night, Mandy calls Jess to suggest that they meet up at the library the next day to do some research on their project. Jessica is worried about being seen in public with Mandy, especially if she’s “wearing one of her weird outfits.” She offers to lend Mandy her “green striped blouse” and Mandy declines.

“The thing is, Jessica, I’m not the kind of person who likes to pretend to be something that she isn’t. I figured out a long time ago that I could never afford the kind of clothes you and the other Unicorns wear. In fact, I’d feel really stupid if I tried to fake everybody out by being a cheap imitation of a Unicorn. Then you’d never want me in your club.”

Jessica winced. “Listen, Mandy, I—“

“So I decided I’d have my own style,” Mandy went on. “It may be weird. But I don’t want to look like everybody else anyway. I want to look like me. So thanks for your offer but no thanks. Your green striped top is very pretty, but it isn’t me. You know what I’m saying?”

Kind of long-winded and serious for the offer to borrow a top, but I appreciate the sentiment, Mandy. The Unicorns are on Jessica’s ass to tell Mandy that she’s not getting into the club. Jess finally gives her the bad news when Mandy starts to tell her a joke she wrote for their vaudeville act that involves a Unicorn walking down the street wearing purple sneakers.

Mandy is crushed. Jess actually feels really bad, too. She thinks her friends are total snobs for not wanting Mandy.

“I may not have as much money as Lila Fowler, or as many clothes as Janet Howell,” she said through clenched teeth. And I may not be as pretty as you are, or as popular as Ellen Riteman. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough to be a Unicorn!”

Hold up. Is Ellen popular? Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s hilarious. But is popularity really her “thing”? Her own friends don’t seem to like her half the time.

Mandy and Jessica fight and Jessica goes home and cries. But life, and social studies projects, go on. Mrs. Arnette asks everyone to give the class an update on their project progress and Mandy and Jess do a bit of their act, which everyone thinks is hilarious—everyone except Lila and Ellen, that is. It’s clear that Jess and Mandy work well together and actually like each other, and Lila and Ellen find it rather off-putting, because they’re snobs.

Jess goes to Mandy’s house after school because Mandy’s mom was making costumes for them and she wants to see how they fit. The girls have a heart-to-heart during which Mandy says she was angry and Jessica but she’s over it because she is, in fact, an individual, and she doesn’t want to change anything about herself, even if it means she can’t be a Unicorn.

After they eat peanut butter sandwiches, they go back down to the basement to look through the old vaudeville trunk and see if they can find some wigs. They both spot a pink feather boa at the same moment, and each grab an end, arguing over who will get to wear it.

Each girl yanked one end in a silent tug of war. Then, without warning, the feather boa tore and Jessica landed against the basement wall with a thud. Mandy tumbled backward over the trunk, still clutching her half of the pink feather boa.

Jessica straightened up and rubbed the back of her head. She looked around. “Mandy?” she called.

For a moment, there was silence. Then Jessica heard a loud sneeze. “Mandy?” she called again. “Are you all right?”

Mandy appeared from behind the trunk. She laughed and rubbed her right side by her ribs. “Yeah, I’m all right,” she said.

But moments later she notices a lump under her right arm, which is strange because it was her ribs that she bumped while falling.

The girls get back to rehearsing their act and forget about the lump. Jess tells Mandy she wants to do the unicorn in the purple sneakers joke because it’s funny and Lila and Ellen need to get over themselves. I’m telling you, guys, Jessica is like a whole different person in this book!

The day the projects are due, Jess and Mandy perform their act and are a hit. The unicorn joke is a particular success.

“Hey, Jessica,” Mandy said. “Did you see what I just saw?”

“No, what did you just see, Mandy?” Jessica asked.

“I just saw a unicorn walking down the street,” Mandy replied, pretending to be awestruck. “And it was wearing two pairs of purple sneakers!” In the back row, Charlie Cashman guffawed loudly.

Jessica looked blandly at Mandy. “What’s so weird about a unicorn wearing two pairs of purple sneakers?” she asked. “Did you expect it to go barefoot?”

OK, that’s sort of cute.

Anyway, the act was a success but Jessica is bummed because she knows it could have been better. Mandy’s timing was off, and she had forgotten one of her lines, something she had never done before. Afterward, Mandy confesses that she’s been tired lately and that the lump on her arm has been bothering her.

On Monday, Lila and Ellen remark to Jessica that now that the social studies project is over, she doesn’t have to spend so much time with Mandy. This annoys Jess, but she soon had bigger things to worry about—Mandy is mysteriously absent that day. She’s not in school the next day either. That night, Jess calls Mandy to see how she’s doing, and to tell her that the Hairnet wants them to videotape their act for submission into the festival. Mandy sounds terrible. On Wednesday, she’s back in school, but is sent home early after she faints while playing volleyball in gym. That afternoon, Jess skips out on a Unicorn meeting (gasp!) to bring Mandy her homework. Mandy’s mom tells her that Mandy isn’t allowed to have any visitors, and that she went to the hospital that afternoon for some tests. Needless to say, making the video for the festival is out of the question.

With Mandy’s blessing, Elizabeth and Jessica do the act instead because the submissions are due by that weekend. On Monday, Mandy is still absent. Lila guilts Jess into accepting an invitation for dinner at her house, but just as Jess is about to leave, Mandy’s mom calls and she sounds really upset. She asks Jessica to come over because Mandy wants very much to see her. Mandy’s mom also asks to talk to Jessica’s mom. Jessica bails on Lila and heads over to Mandy’s with her mom and Elizabeth. She goes inside while the two of them wait in the car. And here’s where things get very sad, and very weird.

Mandy leaned forward and grinned. I tell you, Jessica. The Unicorns are going to turn absolutely green when they hear what I’ve got. I am going to get so much attention from everybody, they’re going to wish they had let me into their club after all.” Her grin faded a bit. “What I’ve got is cancer.”

Mandy is scheduled for surgery that Friday to see if her cancer has spread. What follows is a lot of teachable convos, talking about cancer appropriately for kids.

As per Mandy’s request, Jessica tells Caroline Pearce about the cancer so that the whole school knows by that afternoon. Jess is astonished and grossed out by the fact that none of the Unicorns mention it to her. Instead they carry on like usual, talking about purple and planning their next party. She bails on another Unicorn meeting and instead asks Elizabeth to go to the park with her so they can talk. Elizabeth is waiting for Julie Porter to bring her a Sixers story, so Jess hangs around. When Julie arrives, she tells Jess that she heard about the flowers and card the Unicorns sent to Mandy. Of course, Jessica doesn’t know anything about it, and she can’t figure out why her friends wouldn’t tell her. Honestly neither can I.

Friday afternoon, Alice tells Jessica that Mandy came through her surgery well and that she has an excellent chance for a full recovery. More good news arrives later: Jess’ social studies project won the festival contest and she and Elizabeth have been invited to perform the skit live at a museum in Hollywood. Jess heads to Mandy’s house after school and is surprised to find the rest of the Unicorns there. Then that loser Janet Howell tells Jessica that they didn’t invite her, or ask her to chip in for the flowers or sign the card, because JESSICA was the one to tell Mandy she couldn’t be a Unicorn. It’s really ridiculous and gross. Then Janet says she wonders if they misjudged Mandy.

UGH.

Anyway, Mandy has to have chemotherapy and all of her hair falls out. Her mom is poor so she buys her a crappy wig that makes her look like Little Orphan Annie and Mandy is mortified. The Unicorns all decide to chip in and buy her a nice wig. Then they ask her to join the club. Mandy says she has to think it over, but then, of course, she accepts.

So that’s that. Sorry if this one was a dud, guys. There just wasn’t much to snark on, what with the whole cancer diagnosis and Jessica having a conscience.

SVT Super Edition #2: Holiday Mischief

OK, guys. It’s that time of year, and so I give you this recap of Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition No. 2, Holiday Mischief. I admit that the holidays don’t really play a huge role, but this is one of my favorite Twins books. I think I like any story set in a big city hotel.

Let’s look at the cover. This scene actually happens in the book, right down to the outfits! There’s Jessica and Anna Barrett a (I’m pretty sure) one-off character. She might get a mention here and there in subsequent books, when Ms. Wyler is taking attendance or something, but she basically disappears after Jessica uses her for an adventure in “international intrigue,” as the back cover says. We’re told that Jess’ dress is red silk and Anna’s is blue taffeta. Stunning.

At the top of chapter 1, principal Mr. Clark makes an exciting announcement: Sweet Valley Middle School has been chosen to participate in the National Middle School Choral Competition in Washington, D.C.

I kind of rolled my eyes at such an idea, so I Googled “national middle school choir competition” to see if that was a real thing. Apparently there is something called a “show choir” which has competitions. Show choirs have choreographed dance routines and creative costumes. I don’t think I knew this existed, and I dare say that hearing Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield belt out baroque Christmas carols in their (for this book anyway) stunning soprano voices kind of pales in comparison to what a show choir competition could offer.

Anyway. The twins are momentarily bummed but then Mr. Clark announces that because the other schools have larger groups, the choir is holding auditions for TEN new members. TEN. That seems a lot, no? How on earth did they qualify in the first place if they have so few members? The twins decide to try out because they want to see D.C.

I won’t keep you in suspense—they make it! And they also help Anna snag a spot even though she can’t sing. Anna, who is adopted, wants to go on the trip because she recently discovered that she has a long-lost sister named Leslie who is headed to Washington D.C. Leslie is 13, and was adopted by some pretty important people. Her dad is an Australian Ambassador and the whole fam will be attending a welcome reception at the Australian Embassy.

Now, how did they all manage to sneak Anna into the group? Apparently, Mr. Stefan and Ms. McDonald decided to audition the kids in groups of 4. I don’t have any singing experience, but this seems like…not a good idea, to me. I get wanting to hear what different voices sound like together, sure, but don’t you also need to hear how each person sings alone? Anyway, Anna, Jessica, Elizabeth, and national treasure Ellen Riteman audition together. Anna mouths the words, and they all get picked. Yahoo!

Anna tells her parents that she made it and they give her permission to go to Washington, D.C., but they don’t say anything about Leslie. Meanwhile, Jessica is fretting that she has no stylish cold-weather clothes so she convinces Alice to take her and Elizabeth shopping.

Jessica found a display of purple sweaters and skirts, and set to work finding her size. Elizabeth discovered a pink and yellow sweater in a soft wool and a matching pink skirt.

Nice choice, as always, Liz.

Alice insists on buying each a girl a pair of cold-weather boots. Jessica laments that they are hideous, and she’s probably right, but a salesperson convinces her otherwise. I find the scene quite charming.

“I know they’re not high fashion, Jessica, but they’ll keep you warm,” said Mrs. Wakefield.

“Actually, they are in fashion,” interrupted a saleswoman. She showed Jessica a picture of the same pair of boots from a popular magazine. “With these bright-colored socks, they look super.”

Jessica’s eyes grew wide with excitement. “Oh, Mom, can we have the socks, too?”

Mrs. Wakefield agreed on the socks and paid for their purchases.

“I love this,” Jessica breathed as they emerged from the store loaded down with packages. “I wish I lived somewhere where the seasons change all the time. Just think of all the clothes we’d have to buy!”

It’s very clear that this book was published in 1988, now, right? What with the socks and the shopping mall and the popular magazine? I always pictured this scene happening at Lord & Taylor. (Tear.)

WHY CAN’T THINGS JUST BE THE WAY THEY WERE???

Anyway. The hallways of SVMS are abuzz with excitement over the competition. And probably the filmstrip about Washington, D.C. that Mr. Stefan rented, if I had to guess.

Anna fakes sick during rehearsal so she doesn’t have to sing solo, and the next day, she’s boarding a plane to the capital. Nice work, kid!

The bus drew up outside the Whitney Hotel, an old-fashioned, elegant building with doormen outside and a red carpet on the sidewalk.

Jessica set down her bags and looked around the luxurious lobby. The dark red carpeting and heavy, gold-trimmed drapes looked very rich against the gold-and-glass chandeliers. There were glass-topped tables and antique brocade couches and chairs against the walls. Beautifully dressed men and women were sitting and talking or making their way toward the elevators.

Sounds like my kind of place. Does not sound like the kind of place a middle school would put up a bunch of kids and staff in.

Jessica remarks that she wants to stay there forever, and Elizabeth gets all butthurt, saying, “But you love Sweet Valley!”

God, lighten up, Liz.

Before they go upstairs, they get their first glimpse of Sherrie Dunston, a gorgeous girl from a competing middle school—she’s their star soprano, in fact. Both twins are intimidated by the mere sight of Sherrie and Dana Larson’s intel that Grant Middle School has won the competition for the past 3 years.

The next day when all the kids are on some sightseeing trip, Sherrie throws a snowball at Anna and points and laughs.

At the Sweet Valley rehearsal that afternoon, Mr. Stefan announces that they’re going to choose their soloists. Anna panics. By the way, the kids are rehearsing in some grand auditorium. There are purple velvet curtains and a carved ceiling dripping with old-fashioned chandeliers. Jessica thinks about how she never saw anything so majestic in Sweet Valley. I guess the Dairi Burger kind of pales in comparison, but surely there must be a room in Lila’s house like this?!

To help Anna get out of rehearsal, Jessica squirts disappearing ink at her. It creates a huge splotch on the front of her white sweater and she has to leave to go change. I never really understood how this plan worked. Jessica says that her pen leaked. All over someone else? Is that possible? I haven’t had enough pen accidents in my life to be sure.

After rehearsal, the group runs into Sherrie again, who continues to taunt Anna. I’m honestly not sure how, but this girl seems to know that Anna can’t sing. It’s kind of a weird plotline. I get that Anna’s afraid of being caught and this is supposed to create tension, but I don’t know how Sherrie would come to this conclusion. The next day/chapter is all about a stupid sledding race between the Grant kids (who are from Ohio, btw) and the Sweet Valley kids. Sherrie runs Jessica off her sled but then Jessica beats her when they race again and Sherrie sulks. Exciting stuff.

Anna and Elizabeth decide that Anna better come down with laryngitis, and Sherrie continues to accuse Anna of not being able to sing. To get back at Sherrie, Jessica and Ellen buy some plastic bugs at a novelty shop and fill a box of lozenges with them. They plan to switch their box with Sherrie’s when she’s not looking.

The next day, Anna and Elizabeth get permission from Mrs. Isaacs, chaperone extraordinaire, to go for a walk. In the city that they have never been to before, unsupervised. And, without cell phones, as it is 1988. They walk by the Australian Embassy in the hopes that Leslie is just hanging around outside. No such luck. But they do learn that the reception welcoming Leslie’s family—the Linwoods—will be that night. Anna decides she simply must sneak out that night to go to the reception. Elizabeth is like, nooooo. Jess decides she would be HAPPY to sneak out with Anna and attend a glamourous soiree. Sometimes I love Jess, guys. Is that bad?

If you’re wondering where Mrs. Isaacs is during all of this, we’re told that she’s getting her hair done. Yup.

That night at dinner, Jessica and Ellen play their trick on Sherrie. During all the commotion, Jessica and Anna sneak out of the dining room, put on their silk and taffeta party dresses respectively, and slink out of the hotel, unseen by any adults. We’re actually told that they nearly come to face to face with that buffoon Mrs. Isaacs, but she’s too busy digging around her purse to look up and see them. Wtf is she looking for? Gum? A condom? Is she hurrying to Mr. Stefan’s room? Just what is going on here?

Of course, SHERRIE sees Jessica and Anna sneak out, and she promptly tells on them. Unfortunately, she rats them out to Mrs. Isaacs. This is basically like telling an 8-month-old.

The Australian Embassy looked dazzling. Jessica thought it looked like a fairy-tale castle decorated for the holiday. Heavy red curtains framed each window. Twinkling party lights were strung around the entrance and on the trees outside, and huge wreaths hung on doors. Even the doormen were dressed in red uniforms. A group of beautifully dressed people stood waiting to get inside.

The girls sneak in by pretending to be the children of a well-to-do couple.

“Look over there, by the tree,” Jessica said. There were kids of all ages milling about near the huge Christmas tree. Presents were piled high under evergreen branches. A handsome teenage boy was helping a little girl fix the sail on a toy boat. But there was no one who looked like she could be Leslie.

Upstairs, they find a game room and then a secret study. While they’re in there, a man sneaks in so they hide behind a screen. They crouch down there all scared while this guy looks through papers on the desk.

Back at the hotel, Elizabeth caves and tells Mrs. Isaacs, Mr. Stefan, and Ms. McDonald that she’s pretty fucking sure Jessica and Anna went to the Australian Embassy to look for Anna’s long-lost relative. Mrs. Isaacs and Mr. Stefan declare that they are going to the embassy to drag the girls back to the hotel. Ms. McDonald is like, “IthigI Ithingwill Ithinghold ithingdown ithingthe ithigfort!”

Behind the screen, the two girls held their breath. The man crossed the floor to the massive antique desk in the center of the room. He was not even five feet away from them! He was so close that Jessica could make out a huge diamond ring on the little finger on his left hand. It flashed as he started going through the drawers, riffling papers.

A diamond pinkie ring? Who is this guy, The Situation?

He stuffs some papers in his pocket, and Jessica mouths to Anna that they have to get the fuck out of there.

Just then, the cute teenage boy that they spotted downstairs appears and shows them a secret way out of the room. The thief chases after them but they get away.

Jessica pulled the panel closed. It was a relief not to hear that heavy breathing behind her. Then she noticed how good-looking the boy really was. He was tall and had curly red hair, blue eyes, and lots of freckles.

HMM. I refer you to the cover image, above.

The thief finds them in a nursey room as they are climbing through an attic door. He actually says, “You can’t get away from me, you rotten kids!”

This is the worst chase scene ever. It’s full of pauses, Idk how this kid knows his way around the embassy so freaking well, it’s just a big clusterfuck.

Jessica and Anna tell the boy that the man stole some papers and he says he’ll tell his father. Somehow they get back down to the party and realize that the boy’s father is Mr. Linwood! They deduce that the boy must be Leslie’s brother. Mr. Linwood, the boy, and Jessica and Anna search the embassy but can’t find the thief. They head into the kitchen as a last resort, where Jessica spots that telltale diamond pinky ring of the hand of a chef taking a turkey out of an oven.

The chef stared at her wide-eyed. Then with one quick movement he threw the tray with the turkey on it toward her. Jessica dodged out of the way. The turkey fell on the floor. Juice and stuffing splashed over everyone—including Jessica. The chef lunged for the swinging kitchen doors.

“I can’t believe you’ve ruined my dress! Jessica cried, gazing down at the splotches of grease.

So, yeah. Jessica saves the day. And she’ll prob get a new dress, too.

Fucking finally, Anna asks the boy about his sister. He’s like ummm my sister is 2 years old, she’s def not your sister.

“A-are you sure there isn’t another Linwood family then? I mean, I know my sister’s part of the Linwood family. Her name is Leslie Linwood, and her father was coming here from Australia.” Suddenly, Anna burst into tears.

“Leslie? The boy asked, looking a little baffled. “I’m Leslie Linwood. Could you be related to me?”

For the first time, Anna notices that she looks exactly like this person. She’s like, “I thought that with a name like Leslie, you’d be a girl.”

That’s hella rude, Anna.

Eventually, everything comes out. Anna explains to Leslie’s parents how she found a letter from them to her parents. Then Mr. Stefan and Mrs. Isaacs show up and she confesses she can’t actually sing.

“You mean you got into the choral group and you can’t sing?” Mrs. Isaacs practically screeched. Her face had turned beet red.

Mrs. Isaacs really needs to take it down a notch. Man.

Everything is forgiven because Jessica and Anna caught the spy. Anna is excused from the competition, no consequences. Her parents come, they all have a sit-down where they explain why they chose to not tell Anna and Leslie about each other (for some reason the twins are invited). Jessica and Anna get their picture in the paper with the headline CHILDREN SOLVE CRIME AT AUSSIE EMBASSY.

Ned and Alice don’t even call, by the way

Finally, it’s competition day. Do I even need to tell you what happens? Sweet Valley wins. Grant Middle School comes in second. Sherrie and Jessica tie for the soprano soloist competition.

The freaking end. Didn’t picture that one being so long, but here we are.

SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian (Part Three)

CHAPTERS 13-20

If you missed Part One of this recap, click here!

If you missed Part Two of this recap, click here!

Sadly, our Hawaiian journey with the most important girls at Sweet Valley Middle School is coming to an end. Sigh. Let’s get on with it.

At the top of chapter 13, the Unicorns (sans Lila) are hiding in Bambi’s room. They snuck in there after she went to get hair done, but she came back early. Mandy and Mary ran out to the balcony while Ellen, Janet, and Jessica were snooping around in the bathroom, admiring Bambi’s eyeshadow collection.

The girls listen while Bambi takes a phone call from someone called Sid, and she talks about how she’s not sure she will make a great wife and mother.

Ellen, Janet, and Jessica hide in the shower and try to stay quiet.

“Here comes the bride,” Bambi sang as she stepped into the bathroom.

The Unicorns are more convinced than ever that Bambi and George are getting married, and I have to admit this is some pretty compelling—if lame—evidence.

The next day, the girls head to the beach (again without Lila—where the fuck is Lila?!) and agonize over how to break the news.

Janet goes to buy some suntan oil and runs into Kenji and Lono. They fawn over “Princess Keiko” and she embellishes the story about the glass-bottom boat tour, saying that the whole boat capsized and she saved everyone by waving down a fishing boat. The boys act impressed and horrified and tell Janet that this incident was a result of the power of Pele, who was warning Keiko that she can never leave the island.

Even though she knows no such boating incident occurred, Janet is super depressed to learn that Pele is threatening her.

Everyone leaves the beach except Jessica. Moments later, Kenji and Lono “accidentally” step on her beach towel and introduce themselves. Seriously, Kenji and Lono are stalkers, guys. I’ve never been to Hawaii but how is it that they keep “running into” Janet and the other Unicorns?

Jessica brags about the contest but omits the part where she thinks she didn’t really win and is there by mistake. Then she tells them about the volcano incident but in her version, it was ACTUALLY ERUPTING and she saved herself by climbing up a tree.

“What a story!” Kenji marveled. “It’s amazing the tree didn’t burn down, isn’t it? I mean, the lava usually destroys everything in its path.”

“Yes, well…” Jessica hesitated. “It was a very strong tree, I guess.”

She then tells them about the glass-bottom boat tour, but in her version, she saves the passengers from a school of piranhas.

Kenji asks Jessica if she’s told a lie since arriving in Hawaii, and suggests that might be the reason for her bad luck.

Back at the hotel a little later that afternoon, the girls decide it’s time to tell Lila that Bambi is about to be her new stepmother.

Lila is understandably upset, and thinks about how none of her friends understand her. She thinks about how she doesn’t want her world to change and that she likes it just the way it is.

I feel ya, Li. But change it did.

Her friends convince her to not say anything to her dad for now (I don’t know why) and then they all go windsurfing with some girl Mary met on the beach. It’s really just a plot device for Lila to run into Kenji. She tells him her luck is getting worse by the minute and she can’t get the ring off her finger. Kenji tells her that in order to get it off, she must visit the tomb of King Kamehameha, alone and in the middle of the night. And that his tomb is located deep within a forest.

This is where I lose my patience with Kenji. Telling a 12-year-old tourist to strike out on her own in the middle of the night? This sounds like the beginning of an episode of Unsolved Mysteries. For shame, Kenji!

A bit later, Janet goes off to find Kenji. She tells him and Lono that she intends to use her round-trip ticket. They beg her to reconsider, citing Goddess Pele’s wrath.

“Isn’t there some way to bribe the Pele goddess? What if I gave her some kind of offering? Like a curling iron or something?”

The boys tell Janet she absolutely cannot leave Hawaii and she turns away from them trying not to cry. I wish there was a scene where she tells her parents she can’t come home because she’s really Princess Keiko and if she leaves, Pele the volcano goddess will cover the island in lava.

Jessica steps on a jellyfish and hobbles over to the little beachside store her friends have been frequenting to get something for the sting. I guess she doesn’t want any of her friends to pee on her. Understandable.

On her way, she runs into Kenji and begs him to help her end her bad luck. Kenji tells her she has to make a special potion at midnight and drink it by candlelight while wearing a ponytail on top of her head. All sounds reasonable to Jess!

That night, the Unicorns go on a dinner cruise with George and Bambi.

Janet pushed back her chair to stand. At the same moment, a waitress walked by behind the chair, carrying a big oval tray piled high with food. Before anyone could warn Janet or the waitress, the tray went flying—and the waitress with it.

After Janet cleans the mashed potatoes off her dress, George notices that Lila isn’t wearing the bracelet Bambi gave her and demands to know where it is. She says she lost it on the volcano. George is hella pissed. I don’t know why, but he is.

“Lila?” Mr. Fowler pressed. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Jessica watched nervously as Lila hesitated. At last Lila opened her mouth to speak, but instead of the angry flurry of words that Jessica had been expecting, out came the loudest, most ear-splitting, window-rattling burp she had ever heard!

The entire room fell absolutely silent. People at other tables twisted in their seats to see who was responsible for such a repulsive sound. One little boy sitting nearby applauded.

That last part always really gets me. Brava, ghostwriter.

After some awkward silence, Jessica tells Bambi she loves her eyeshadow and asks what it is called. Bambi digs it out of her purse and reaches behind Janet to pass it to Jessica so she can take a look.

This is completely stupid. Why wouldn’t she just look herself? But it’s OK, because it gives us this:

Jessica leaned back in her chair to take the eye shadow from Bambi. Just as her hand fastened on the compact, she felt her chair begin to tip backward.

“Oh, no—“ Jessica cried as her chair tipped all the way over and landed with a crash.

(The eyeshadow was Silver Unicorn, in case you were wondering. Props to the ghostwriter because that does sound like an eyeshadow I would want to buy at the drugstore in sixth grade. Except I think now all sixth graders buy their makeup at Sephora and Ulta. Spoiled brats.)

“That was the worst dinner of my life,” Jessica cried as the Unicorns prepared for bed that night.

“Actually, I thought it was pretty entertaining,” Mandy said. “It’s a tough call which part was funniest, though—Janet sitting in a pile of cole slaw, Lila’s mega-burp, or your chair gymnastics.”

“Laugh all you want, Mandy,” Jessica growled, “but I think we’re cursed.”

The only one cursed is George, who probably had to leave a hefty tip after all of that.

After she thinks Ellen and Lila are asleep, Jessica pulls her hair into a ponytail and sneaks into the bathroom to await the stroke of midnight.

Of course, Lila’s not sleeping, but she doesn’t hear Jessica get out of bed. She gets up and starts to get ready to trek to King Kamehameha’s tomb. But first, she decides to go to the bathroom, where she left her makeup bag. Because, you know. Gotta look your best for the dead king. She startles Jessica, they both scream, chaos ensues, all the lights come on, and all the girls end up in one room. And Ellen asks Jessica what she’s done to her hair.

Jessica and Lila come clean with their plans and realize they’ve both been talking to Kenji and Lono and they have been playing them both for fools. Then Janet admits Kenji and Lono are the ones who told her she’s Princess Keiko. In Janet’s defense, “they bowed and everything.” The girls vow to get even.

The next morning, they overhear George and Bambi’s voices in Bambi’s room so they all decide to crowd around the door and eavesdrop. Lila is at the front of the pack with a glass pressed up against the door.

“He said, my daughter means the world to me,” Lila reported.

“Oh,” Ellen said with relief. “I thought he said, ‘My daughter’s beans are curled for free!’”

Again: I love Ellen. Like honestly, where would we be without Ellen, you guys?

The door opens and they’re all caught eavesdropping. Lila screams that she will never call Bambi mom. Then the truth comes out: George and Bambi aren’t engaged. Bambi is auditioning for a soap opera and George was helping her rehearse. Sid, the guy she was talking to on the phone while they were all hiding in the room, is her agent. Of course the agent is named Sid. And of course the soap opera character Bambi is auditioning for is named Flame. And of course Bambi is named Bambi.

I really don’t see George helping anyone run lines, do you guys? I like this side of George.

Finally, Lila softens toward Bambi and the girls ask her to help them get back at Kenji and Lono. She agrees to dress up as volcano goddess Pele. Janet finds them on the beach and tells them she has decided to leave Hawaii after all, since she “checked things out” with Pele and Pele gave her the all-clear. The boys are like WTF, and Janet invites them to follow her so they can see Pele—who can appear as she wills, she says—for themselves. They tag along.

Bambi awaits, covered in fluorescent body paint and standing beneath a hidden blacklight. And since she’s an actress, she scares the living crap out of Kenji and Lono. They beg forgiveness, and then the Unicorns all appear. I guess they were hiding behind a bush, or something.

Everyone has a good laugh over how stupid they all are, and Kenji and Lono invite the Unicorns to a luau on their last night in Hawaii. Bambi, pumped from her performance of Pele, flies out early for her audition. (Spoiler alert: she gets the part.)

The next day, Jessica and Mandy go back to the Pineapple People office so Jessica can confess that she’s not the real contest winner. And not a moment too soon, huh, Jess? Not like you didn’t wait until literally your last day in Hawaii to make your little confession?

As it turns out, there was no need—Jessica was indeed the real winner of the contest. Mr. Hakulani explains that all the entries they received were quite awful, so they decided to award the prize to shittiest recipe, just for kicks. The pineapple upside-down cake was served #becausepineapples.

As a reward for her honesty, Mr. Hakulani promises to send Jessica 200 cans of crushed pineapple.

That night at the luau, the Unicorns reflect on their trip of a lifetime while George does the hula. Yes, I’m serious. That’s what happens. Then, Mandy, Mary, and Jessica ask George for three pennies.

Mandy closed her eyes and tossed the penny into the ocean. “Make a wish,” she instructed. “Here goes mine,” Mary said.

Jessica smiled. She squeezed her eyes shut and threw her coin far out into the waves. Somehow, she was sure they had all wished for the very same thing.

That’s the end. It’s heavily implied that the reader will know what they wished for, but I didn’t know when I first read this book in 1992 and I don’t know now. And I don’t know why it’s Jessica, Mandy, and Mary that do this. What about the other Unicorns? If anything, it should have been Jessica, Janet, and Lila, the three who thought they were cursed the whole time. I mean, Mary? She barely existed the whole book and then she’s in this final, supposedly significant scene? This is my only gripe with this otherwise perfect book. I think I’m gonna have to keep this one within reach for when I need a mindless escape to simpler times.

SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian (Part Two)

CHAPTERS 9 TO 12

If you missed the first part of this recap click here.

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OK, here we go! At the start of chapter 9, the telephone in the hotel room Lila, Jessica, and Ellen are sharing rings early in the morning. IT’S THE PINEAPPLE PEOPLE! And they’re looking for Jessica Wakely. Wait, what? Who? That’s right, they said Jessica Wakely.

The Unicorns are invited to the Pineapple People’s headquarters in Maui for a tour, as part of Jessica’s grand prize. Because what could be more fun while you’re in Hawaii than touring a bunch of office buildings and a pineapple processing plant?! They are also going to have a “tasting” of what Jessica assumes will be her prizewinning green glop.

Pineapple People VP Mr. Hakulani greets the Unicorns (+ Bambi). I wonder if he knows this is the most important group of girls at Sweet Valley Middle School? Jessica half-heartedly tries to correct him when he calls her “Ms. Wakely” but Mr. Hakulani isn’t listening. Crazy to think he doesn’t care what she has to say! There are things to do, you know. Mr. Hakulani has an exciting afternoon planned.

“First, a fascinating movie called Pineapple Panorama. It’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know about pineapple harvesting. It’s in black and white—I’m afraid the movie is a bit old—but you’re going to love it. After the movie, I will personally take you on a tour of our ultra-modern pineapple-processing plant. You’ll see it all—crushed pineapple, sliced pineapple, pineapple chunks. And it you’re really lucky, maybe I’ll give you a glimpse of our pineapple juice operation!”

As a middle-aged person with a pretty standard job, I have this to say about Mr. Hakulani’s excitement: GOOD. FOR. HIM.

After the movie and the tour, it’s time for the tasting. But instead of the green glop, the Unicorns are presented with a beautiful pineapple upside-down cake.

I don’t think I have ever had pineapple upside-down cake, and I would like to. Too bad I don’t have anyone to tell who will care.

Anyway. At this, Jessica quietly freaks. She’s now more convinced than ever that she’s in Hawaii by mistake, and really, Jessica Wakely, pineapple upside-down cake extraordinaire, should be in her place. She confides only in Mandy, who agrees that the Pineapple People have fucked up.

Jessica poked Mandy and pointed to Janet, who had just cornered Mr. Hakulani as he was biting into a piece of cake. “Mr. Hakulooloo?” Janet asked.

“Hakulani,” he corrected.

“Are you a real Hawaiian?”

He nodded. “I was born right here on Maui.”

Janet eased a bit closer, her head tilted awkwardly to one side. “Do I look familiar you to you?” she asked hopefully.

“Familiar?” Mr. Hakulani asked. “Why, no. I’m sure we’ve never met.”

Janet inched closer. How about this?” she demanded, pointing to the tiny mole by her mouth.

Mr. Hakulani looked around helplessly. “This?” he repeated.

“My beauty mark. Doesn’t it remind you of anyone? Anyone special?”

Mr. Hakulani frowned. “Well, my grandmother had a mole like that,” he said at last. “She had it removed, though.”

I nominate Mr. Hakulani for best one-off Sweet Valley Twins character ever.

Later that night (after they have a swim in the indoor pool, which immediately had me longing for the birthday parties people used to have in sixth grade at Embassy Suites), Jessica has a nightmare that she’s drowning in a sea of pineapple. Lila dreams that she is on trial for stealing a valuable artifact. Janet dreams that she is eating an ice cream sundae and lava starts coming out of it.

Safe to say at least half the Unicorns on this trip have lost it.

The next day, the girls, Bambi, and George go on a walking tour of a dormant volcano. Lila notices that the “stupid bracelet” Bambi gave her that her dad is making her wear is gone. “It probably fell off because the clasp on it was so cheap,” she grumbles. Li and Janet break apart from the group to retrace their steps looking for it. Nobody notices. That’s the kind of stellar supervision Ned and Alice wanted to make sure Jessica had.

As they walk, the air gets increasingly hot. When they finally decide to give up and catch back up with their group, they realize…they don’t know where the fuck they are.

Then, they hear rumbling. The ground shakes beneath their feet. Lila and Janet are convinced the volcano is erupting, and they freak.

“Pele!” Janet cried. “It’s me, Princess Keiko! Mellow out, would you?”

Hold on to your rosé, everyone—Janet’s plea does nothing.

Screaming hysterically, the girls try to “outrun the lava” and get off the volcano. Then, on the ground below, they spot the Unicorns and the tour group, laughing hysterically. People are even taking pictures.

Turns out, it was just a nearby bulldozer, hard at work enlarging a parking lot.

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The next day, George and Bambi send the Unicorns on a glass-bottom boat tour so they can go jewelry shopping. They actually say that this is the reason.

On the boat, Jessica notices Janet chatting up some young boys. That sounded terrible. Allow me to explain:

Next to her, Janet was making friends with two young boys, who were taking the tour with their grandmother. “Are you from Hawaii?” she asked the younger boy, who looked to Jessica to be about six years old.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said seriously.

“Do I look familiar to you?” Janet asked.

“Not again, Janet!” Jessica groaned.

“Have you ever seen me before?” Janet continued, smiling regally at the little boy.

“No, ma’am,” he said quietly.

“Well, have you ever seen one of these before?” Janet asked, pointing to her mole.

The little boy’s lips began to quiver, and suddenly he burst into tears.

“Stop poking your mole at people, Janet,” Lila said crossly. “You’re scaring them.”

Hee! A bit later, Jessica stands up, slips, and falls into the water.

Jessica thrashed wildly. Her wet clothes and running shoes were pulling her down like anchors. She flashed back to her horrible nightmare. It was coming true, right before her eyes!

Why isn’t someone trying to save me? Jessica wondered frantically. Could the water be filled with sharks?

Um, maybe nobody is trying to save you because they’re pretty sure that by 16 you’re going to be, at best, a ranging selfish bitch, and at worst, a full-blown psychopath. OR it could be because you’re not drowning.

Jessica finally hears that Lila is calling out to her: “Your feet! Put your feet down! There’s only three feet of water!”

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“It’s a red-faced Jessfish!” Mary exclaims as Jessica is pulled back onto the boat. Oh, Mary. You might be funny if hadn’t been for the whole creepily obsessed with Mrs. Wakefield thing awhile back and the fact that you have no discernable personality. Seriously, why MARY? What about Tamara Chase? Or Betsy Gordon? Or Kimberly Haver? What are the other Unicorns doing while more than half the club is in Hawaii, pretending they don’t exist? Are they still holding meetings? I want answers.

Bambi and George arrive, and Bambi brags about her new pearl ring. Mandy and Mary wonder if it’s an engagement ring. A pearl?! This is George Fowler we’re talking about. If I were to marry George Fowler, I would expect a diamond ring worthy of being showcased in Neil Lane’s sweaty hands on a Bachelor season finale, thankyouverymuch.

Lila gets a coral necklace. She reacts like spoiled little brat. When she hits the beach later, she meets a couple of cute Hawaiian boys. One, of course, is Kenji. The other is Lono, Kenji’s follower BFF who does whatever Kenji says and has the personality of your grandmother’s mop. She complains about her vacation, and the boys tell her the reason she’s having so much bad luck is because of her ring.

“That ring,” Kenji continued,” is no ordinary ring. It’s the sacred burial ring of King Kamehameha!”

“You mean they buried this ring with a dead person?” Lila cried.

The boys freak her out enough to want to take the ring off, but it’s stuck. A fellow tourist suggests her fingers are too fat. Ha!

Back at the hotel, Mandy and Mary gather the rest of the Unicorns to share the big news that they THINK George and Bambi are getting married. Says Mandy: “We think Lila’s about to have a new stepmother.”

Ellen gasped. “Who?!”

For fuck sake.

They decide to sneak into Bambi’s room for clues. Yes, Bambi has her own room. Something tells me she will be choosing to forego this room to stay in the fantasy suite with one George Fowler about every night though.

They find a magazine with a cover advertising a story called “How to Win Your Man!” Seriously, EW. Thank god mags have changed since 1991.

While they’re snooping, Bambi comes back! Mandy and Mary are out on the balcony. Janet, Ellen, and Jessica hide in the bathroom.

If I were Bambi, they would be screwed. There’s absolutely no way I would not need to use the bathroom. Speaking of, I think this is a good place to stop. Stay tuned!

SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian (Part One)

I am going to lead off here with a bold claim: this is the best Sweet Valley Twins book ever. Or, it’s at least top 5. Or, it’s the funniest.(Because I concede that there may be many “bests” for different reasons.) Because of this, I am doing this recap in 2 parts. Maybe 3. There’s just too much great stuff to squeeze into one.

Seriously, who wrote this? I want to know you. Brav-freaking-o.

Let’s start with the cover. Fantastic. Janet Howell (top, center) looks like the girls’ drunk aunt. She might as well be wearing a blazer and holding a near-empty glass of Pinot Grigio. Or a red with ice cubes in it (appalling.) Next to her, on the right: Mandy Miller—in my opinion, the prettiest Unicorn. Don’t know why she’s wearing Hulk Hogan’s shorts. Next to her, in the obligatory purple bikini—Lila Fowler. In the center, of course, is Jessica Wakefield. Kind of annoying, but fine. She is technically the reason they are all there. In the blue one-piece: national treasure Ellen Riteman. And then there’s Mary Robertson-Giacco-Wallace. Whatever.

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Jessica and Mandy are in the Wakefields’ Spanish-style kitchen. They’re supposed to be doing homework, but they wind up entering a contest sponsored by the “Pineapple People” that they see advertised in a magazine instead. They make “Poisonous Potato Salad.” We’re not told what’s in it beyond pineapple, green food coloring, and I assume, potatoes. It is described as “green glop” and “pasty.”

Flash-forward months later: Jessica finds out that she won the contest and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii for her and 2 best friends. Of fucking course she won. She’s Jessica. I’m sure it was in the fine print that if she entered, she would have to win.

Jessica invites Mandy and Mary on the trip with her (the Wakefield fam was set to go skiing with the grandparents during the exact timeframe when Jessica must take her trip). Ned and Alice briefly forbid Jess from going due to the fact that there will be no chaperone, but—tah-dahhhh!-Lila then calls and says her rich dad has business in Hawaii and so she’s going along with him—and he’s offered to pay for Janet and Ellen to come along too. Mighty generous, George!

Now that George Fowler is going, Ned and Alice decide it’s OK for Jessica to go. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t spend any time supervising his daughter in Sweet Valley. And the fact that he’s also bringing his girlfriend, a wannabe actress named Bambi—yes, Bambi. Lila HATES Bambi because 1) she steals her dad’s time away from her and 2) she gave her a cheap bracelet for Christmas.

Upon deplaning at the Maui airport, George calls, “Let’s go, girls!” Which I immediately read in Shania Twain’s voice. The girls are thrilled and impressed by everything they find at the hotel (including the white robes hanging in the closets, which, honestly always makes me happy also.)

George is off to a business meeting ASAP.

“Now, I suppose, as your official chaperone, I should lay down some ground rules.” He tapped his chin with his finger.”Hm,” he murmured, “Ground rules.”

Mr. Fowler sat down on the edge of one of the beds while the group watched him expectantly. His brow was furrowed and he seemed to be concentrating very hard. Suddenly his eyes lit up. “To start with, I don’t want you spending your money on inferior quality merchandise,” he instructed forcefully. “Shop carefully, and avoid tacky souvenir peddlers.” He crossed his arms over his chest, apparently satisfied.

Bambi volunteers to look after the girls, then announces she’s going to go work on her tan. Alone. Seriously my new life goal is to be any adult in Sweet Valley.

The Unicorns decide to split up for the afternoon because they all want to do different things. After “sauntering” (that’s my girl!) down the beach, Lila finds a ring in the sand.

“The ring was made of red stone, carved with what looked like the image of a Hawaiian god.”

Doesn’t sound that great but if Lila likes it, it must be awesome. She decides she must keep it and treasure it forever. (This all sounding a bit familiar but I’ll let it go.)

After shopping for “colorful T-shirts,” Janet is approached by a super cute boy named Kenji on the beach. Except it’s much weirder than it sounds.

“It’s amazing,” he murmured. “A miracle.” He shook his head. “I apologize. “It’s just that for me to be the lucky one to find you –it’s too much to be believed. At last, you have come back, Keiko!”

Janet is all like say what, my name’s Janet. You know, Janet Howell. President of the Unicorn Club and most important girl at Sweet Valley Middle School.

Kenji insists the Janet is the spitting image of Keiko, a beautiful Hawaiian princess who was adored by all the Hawaiian people. She fell in love with a poor fisherman’s son. Her father, the king, forbade her to marry him but she ran off with him anyway in his fishing boat. It’s assumed she drowned. The people all grieved, and Pele the volcano goddess caused volcanoes to erupt in anger.

“Legend has it that one day Keiko will return to her homeland. Once she does, if she ever tries to leave again, Pele will unleash her fury”—Kenji’s eyes grew wide, and his voice rose—consuming the islands in lava and burying all who dwell here.” He paused. “Including Keiko.”

Grim. Rather than be freaked out or amused, or ANYTHING somewhat normal, Janet’s just like, “OH MY GAHH THIS DUDE THINKS I AM BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS!” And she runs off to brag to the Unicorns—not that she LOOKS LIKE Keiko, but that she IS Keiko.

Jessica asks her if that’s spelled “like Cake with an ‘o’ on the end.” Lila tells her she can get the mole Kenji cited as proof that she’s Keiko surgically removed. Mary suggests that she’s spent too much time in the sun. The only one of her friends who seems vaguely interested is Ellen, so Janet relays the whole story to her.

Ellen’s expression clouded. “But the rest of us could leave, right?” she asked at last. “I mean, we could fly away while you stayed behind and got buried in lava, couldn’t we?”

Fuck, I love Ellen.

At this, Janet starts to worry. She hadn’t yet considered the entirety of what Kenji said. Hawaii is nice, but it’s no Sweet Valley. She actually thinks this.

That night, the girls have dinner in the hotel with George and Bambi. Mandy forgets her purse at the table, and when she and Mary go back to get it, they overhear Bambi fretting that she won’t make a good mother. They freak out thinking George and Bambi are getting married, and that Lila is going to go nuclear. They decide to say nothing and do nothing, which is probably the most mature response by anyone to anything in the whole book.

Let’s stop there for now. Look out for Part Two next week!

SVT #23: Claim to Fame

Let me begin by saying: I always liked this book. Reading it again was also a very nice experience. I always kind of find myself longing for a simpler time when I delve back into Sweet Valley, but there is something extra simple and special about No. 23, Claim to Fame, which just had me feeling really mellow and good. Like a Vicodin. But not that good.

OK, let’s take a look at the cover. There’s Elizabeth and Jessica (do I even need to tell you who’s who?) dressed for Sweet Valley Middle School’s 60s dance. The outfits and hairstyles actually match the descriptions in the book!

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We open with the whole school excitedly buzzing because there’s going to be a special assembly. Nobody knows why, but they think it has something to do with the school’s upcoming 25^th anniversary. During a brief interaction with Jessica and Lila, we learn that they know what’s going to be announced and are enjoying keeping it a secret from everyone.

The big announcement is that to celebrate the anniversary, the school is burying a time capsule that will be opened 25 years from now (now, as in, 1988—so the time capsule was scheduled to be opened in 2013, a good year for me, btw). There’s also a contest: students are to work in groups of 4 to collect items for the time capsule. The group with the best collection wins. Their items will go inside, along with PICTURES of the winning team members. Naturally, Jessica and Lila are positively giddy over this. They seem to think having their pictures placed inside a box that stays underground for 25 years will make them famous. Um, OK. Jessica even fantasizes about the students opening the box.

“What a beautiful girl,” says the student who pulls out a photo of Jessica. “She must have been really important to get her picture in the time capsule!”

The items are supposed to represent the 60s, but also Sweet Valley in the 60s. Items from the school are of particular consideration.

Jessica, Lila, Ellen, and Tamara are working as a team. So are Elizabeth, Amy, Julie, and…George Henkel, a shy student we’ve never heard of before and will never hear of again. One of the teachers basically guilts the girls into asking him to join their team. Why? That’s another Sweet Valley mystery none of us will ever be able to explain! George kind of shrugs and accepts the invitation but it seems he would have been perfectly happy not participating. As someone who loathes forced socialization, I always felt for George.

Oh, and they’re also having a 60s-themed dance. Because god forbid a week passes in Sweet Valley without a school dance.

Trying to make conversation, Elizabeth mentions that there’s a Mr. Henkel who lives on her street, and asks if George is of any relation. Mr. Henkel is in a wheelchair and kind of a recluse. Elizabeth, of course, brings him books from the library and helps him with small things around the house. (I really always wanted to be as nice as Elizabeth, but I always felt weird about it.)

George matter-of-factly replies that yeah, Mr. Henkel is his father. The girls are stunned—why doesn’t George live with his father? He tells them that he lives with his aunt and uncle. “What about your mother?” Amy asks, blunt AF. “She died,” says George. Nice going, Sutton. You’re not even a bitch yet!

Much of the rest of the book centers on the two teams and their search for items that will blow the judges away.

Jessica’s team heads to the mall. They wander around aimlessly until Ellen says she wants a new poster for her bedroom. I love Ellen, guys. Also, I miss buying posters for my bedroom. When exactly did it stop being OK for me to have posters on my walls? Is it too late for me to give that another go?

The girls begrudgingly head to the poster shop. Lila, in a burst of brilliance, asks if they have any movie posters from the 60s. The clerk shows them an original movie poster for something called Bikini Beach Party. It hung in the Sweet Valley Cinema when the movie was out. It’s a collector’s item, and expensive. Who knows why he showed it to a group of 12-year-old girls, but luckily for him, one of them has her dad’s black card.

Back at Lila’s house, they dig around in her dad’s study, where they find an old Beatles record. Lila exclaims that it must be an “original” record. I don’t really know what that means. Aren’t all records technically original? I guess it just means it was made in the 60s? Lila decides her dad will never miss it. So the Unicorn team now has two items, the poster and the record,

Elizabeth’s team meets downtown and heads to an antique store, which seems like a far better plan. There, they find an old English textbook with—gasp!—Sweet Valley Junior High (as it was called then) stamped on the inside cover. The store owner lets them have it for $1, and each team member rather sweetly contributes a quarter. Then, they leave, which I never understood. If you find something that good, why not continue to look around?

Later, Julie’s mom lets the team have an autographed picture of JFK for their collection. She comments that she hopes kids 25 years from now know who he was. That’s very admirable of her but I really feel like if eBay was around 1988, she wouldn’t give a crap about the time capsule, or tomorrow’s youth. Anyway, now Elizabeth’s team also has two items. And really, why pretend like anyone else in the school is competing? The Wakefield twins are involved, nobody else has a chance.

Elizabeth decides to do some research at the library to see if she can get more ideas. There’s a delightful scene in which the librarian teaches her about the microfilm machine.

“The newspapers are photographed on these rolls, and you use a microfilm reader to look at them,” says the librarian. Adults are so nice to kids in Sweet Valley, guys. First the poster shop man and now this librarian. Warms my heart.

Our expert reporter makes a major discovery: George Henkel’s father used to be the star quarterback of the Sweet Valley Junior High football team! And he made the winning catch at the championship game the school’s first season. The article mentions that the team carried him off the field and they all signed the football he caught and gave it to him. DO YOU SUPPOSE HE STILL HAS THE BALL?

Elizabeth rushes out of the library—but stops to pick up a few books for Mr. Henkel on her way out—and goes home to call Amy. The girls are ecstatic. They’re sure that Mr. Henkel still has the ball and will give it to George. Amy calls Julie and Elizabeth calls George—and that’s when we learn that not only does George not live with his father, he also doesn’t talk to him…and doesn’t want to. Elizabeth is crushed.

The next day, Elizabeth finds a piece of mail in her mailbox that belongs to Mr. Henkel, so she takes it over to him. She tells him it’s a letter, but it’s just a bill, which makes her sad. “He doesn’t even get any personal letters,” she thinks. Jeez, Elizabeth. Just because this bill wasn’t a personal letter doesn’t mean he doesn’t ever get ANY. Although he prob doesn’t, because as we will soon learn, Mr. Henkel is kind of an asshole.

Lizzie decides to ask Mr. Henkel about the championship game. His “eyes misted over” as he told her about it. The book that was on his lap slid off onto the floor but he didn’t even notice, he was so “caught up in his memories.” It’s actually not as pathetic as it sounds, it was quite sad. Mr. Henkel even shows Elizabeth the football. She takes a deep breath and mentions that it would be perfect for the contest.

Mr. Henkel snatches the ball back and says he can’t part with it. It’s all he’s got. Elizabeth says she understands, and on her way out mentions that she picked up some new books for him at the library, but she forgot them at home and she’ll bring them by on Saturday.

The next day is, I guess, Friday, and the day of the dance. There’s a really cute chapter about the twins getting ready with their mom’s help. Jessica tries to iron her hair on the ironing board (thank goodness there were no flat irons in the 80s, Jessica Wakefield with a flat iron would be an absolute biatch, amiright?) Mrs. Wakefield shows Jessica how to wrap her hair around her head with pins, which, idk, supposedly somehow makes it straight. Then she does Elizabeth’s hair in that flattering bouffant style you see on the cover. So Elizabeth is early 60s, Jessica is late 60s. How fitting, what with Elizabeth being born first and Jessica always being late and everything.

Everyone has fun at the dance, even George, who apparently has a crush on Nora Mercandy—and she likes him, too! Holy shit. Because everyone’s in such a good mood, Elizabeth asks George if he will consider asking his dad for the football—and he agrees! OMG OMG.

The next day, George asks. His dad refuses. Not only that, but he also tells George—HIS SON—that the football is the most important thing in the world to him. Wow, dude. You suck. You don’t even deserve Elizabeth bringing you those books from the library.

Speaking of the books, Elizabeth asks Jessica to bring them over to Mr. Henkel because she’s late for her riding lessons. Jessica begrudgingly agrees. By the time she gets there, Mr. Henkel’s had a change of heart. He wants George to have the ball. So he gives it to Jessica, thinking she’s Elizabeth. And Jessica corrects him and makes him take the ball back. No, just kidding, of course. Jessica lets him believe his mistake and runs home happily with the ball, then brags to all the Unicorns that they are going to win the contest.

The charade doesn’t last long. Since none of the Unicorns can keep their mouths shut, Elizabeth finds out Jessica has the football and makes her hand it over. Then Elizabeth gives it to George—but he throws it back in her face. Not literally. Though that would have been a welcome surprise twist. He says if his dad wants him to have it then he can give it to him himself, otherwise he doesn’t want it. Elizabeth relays this message to Mr. Henkel, who deduces that he has an ungrateful shit of a son and if he doesn’t want the football then that’s just fine with him. Mr. Henkel takes back the football. Elizabeth is upset—not only because of the whole contest thing but because she was hoping the football would reunite George and his father and now they hate each other more than ever and it’s all her fault. It kind of is, though.

The next day is Sunday, time capsule day. Jessica’s team throws a 60s fashion magazine into their collection and hope for the best. Elizabeth’s team hopes that their two items are strong enough to win on their own, but they aren’t super optimistic.

Everyone heads to the school, where there’s an assembly outside. Mr. Clark, the principal, is making a speech when he’s suddenly interrupted—by Mr. Henkel!—and he has the football!

“Will George Henkel please come down here?” Mr. Clark says into the microphone. God how embarrassing, honestly.

Mr. Henkel decides to make a speech. He basically says he’s become a miserable old cow in his, um, middle age, I guess? (#canrelate) and he lost sight of what was truly important to him, like his son, George. Again, very touching, very embarrassing. He then presents George with the football. Everyone applauds, and George places it on the table next to his team’s other items.

And then, of course, George, Elizabeth, Amy, and Julie win the contest. They make a surprisingly sophisticated presentation for sixth graders, explaining the meaning of all of their items and what they represent. The textbook represents education and their belief in their school. The photo represents leadership. And the football represents teamwork. It stands for working together to accomplish a goal, and is a symbol of something passed on from one generation to the next. It stands for their belief in their parents.

I’m not crying, you’re crying!

SVT #80: The Gossip War

I picked up this book just in time—it reminded me that if I can get through being a middle-schooler on any end of a three-way phone call, I can get through anything.

Cover notes: we see Jessica Wakefield, Ellen Riteman, and Lila Fowler. Jessica looks devilish (accurate), Ellen looks shocked (also accurate), and Lila looks like all my life goals (obviously accurate). I’m not sure why they have Ellen at a phone booth since the whole beginning of this book is about how Ellen thinks she’s hot shit now that she has her own phone line. OMG #So90s!

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“Who else had a phone that showed its insides through a clear plastic case?” Ellen thinks. Um, I sure did, and so did almost everyone I know, but hey, whatever makes you feel special, girl. Ellen, the most often-derided member of the Unicorn Club, is gunning to host club president Janet’s birthday, and now that she has her own phone, she has the confidence to go for what she wants—even though Jessica wants it, too.

Unfortunately for Jess, Ellen is beating her to the punch when it comes to getting the other Unicorns to agree with her—mostly because Jess has to share the phone with her whole freaking family. After she sees a commercial for three-way calling, she cooks up a plan to convince her parents to get it.

Jessica and Elizabeth have been assigned a current events project in history class, which serves perfectly as the foundation of Jessica’s plan and also our B-plot. So, while Jessica’s story shows the dangers of gossip, Elizabeth learns about the Cold War through her project (and in turn, young, impressionable readers learn that even a tiny white lie can take on a life of its own and damage reputations).

Elizabeth is assigned to work with Lila (lucky!) and Olivia Davidson, while Jessica is assigned to work with fellow Unicorn (but nice girl) Mandy Miller and Peter DeHaven, a dork whom she hopes will do all the work and probably does. Each group has to come up with a way the Soviet Union impacted American society. Elizabeth’s group chooses McCarthyism. It doesn’t matter, but Jessica’s group chooses the space race, Peter’s suggestion. We learn that he was in the Young Astronauts Club at Sweet Valley Elementary School, and I think, simultaneously, “What a nerd!” and “I hope my son wants to join a club like that.”

(There are really only two ways to impress me. One is to be John Stamos. The other is to be an astronaut.)

Jessica arranges for her group to work at Mandy’s house after school, and, weirdly, she also arranges for Elizabeth’s group to work at Olivia’s. Then she and Elizabeth put their dad through hell as he tries to arrange pickup that evening. It works! I guess it doesn’t take much to frustrate old Ned, but let’s be real, Alice probably isn’t putting out, for fear of having another child like Jessica.

By this time, Ellen’s standing with the Unicorns has risen to new and incredible heights. Janet has even asked Ellen to host and lead the next meeting in her absence, a fact she can’t wait to casually mention to Jessica, while Jessica delights in informing Ellen that she now has three-way calling. Oh, to be 12 again! (No, thank you.)

The meeting is held, and Ellen’s dad embarrasses her by popping in wearing an octopus hat, which he calls “Octavia.” He also asks if the girls are part of the Octopus Club. Then he says he’s on his way to “basketball night” because it’s “the night your mother lets me out on parole.”

Jessica doesn’t make the meeting because Alice is having a new client over for dinner. (This is the wacky C-plot, in which Alice is decorating a restaurant for a woman called Elvira, a crunchy-granola-hippie-dippy-yet-pretentious-asshole type. It’s 1994, so all the Wakefields make fun of Elvira’s organic-only menu.) She later hears from Mandy that the group voted to have Janet’s birthday at Ellen’s house but she wishes it was at Jessica’s house because Mr. Riteman is a crap cook. “He left hot dogs on the grill until they were drier than dust,” she says. “I practically choked.”

The girls then call Ellen so that Jessica can find out what her responsibility is for Janet’s party. Jessica and Ellen bicker, Mandy gets off the phone, and Ellen and Jessica call Lila. Ellen and Jessica continue to bicker and Jessica hangs up on Ellen—or so she thinks. After shouting “Goodbye!” she starts talking shit about Ellen to Lila, which includes the slight exaggeration that Mr. Riteman almost gave Mandy food poisoning. Ellen gasps and suggests Jessica read her instruction manual, which I thought was a pretty good comeback for Ellen.

Lila gets off the phone because she’s way above this drama, and Jessica and Ellen pretty much make up. But as you might have guessed, things don’t stop there.

Here’s where I need to take a deep breath.

On her way to school the next morning, Lila (riding in her father’s limo) sees another Unicorn, Belinda, walking on the sidewalk the way peasants do. She picks her up and tells her about Ellen and Jessica’s fight, and mentions that Mr. Riteman gave Mandy food poisoning. Belinda then tells Grace, who tells Tamara, and adds that Mandy was sick for a whole day. Tamara tells Kimberly, and adds that Mandy was “violently ill” and spent the whole day throwing up. Kimberly shares that her aunt had food poisoning once from chicken fajitas at a street fair and had to go to the hospital. Hundreds of people got sick from these chicken fajitas, she says. And, since her aunt is a nursery school teacher, she couldn’t go back to work for three weeks, until she could prove that all the poison was out of her body. (Huh?) Tamara then remarks that Mr. Riteman must have gotten in a lot of trouble. That’s when Betsy walks in and asks who got poisoned. Betsy then asks Mary if she heard about Mr. Riteman being in trouble with the law for poisoning a teacher. Mary then passes a note to Belinda asking if she’s heard about Mr. Riteman. Belinda says she heard about Mandy and asks if there was someone else, and Mary says yes, a schoolteacher, to which Belinda replies, “That must be why he’s out on parole!”

*headdesk*

The rumor gets out of control and everyone turns on Ellen because her dad is a killer. Eventually Janet (who, by the way, is going through a beatnik phase, which means she’s wearing all black, reading poetry, and drinking “java”) confronts Ellen about the rumors. Not knowing how far things have gone, Ellen says things like “he can’t help it” and “we’ve tried to get him to stop but he won’t.” When she finds out what is actually being said she freaks out and calls her dad at work and says, “Can you please tell my friend Janet you’re not a murderer?” He laughs but obliges.

Eventually, everyone turns on Jessica, who is hunted down the way Communists were if the Cold War took place in a middle school. Awkwardly, the Unicorns had already confirmed that they were moving Janet’s party to Jessica’s house, so Jessica comes up with a plan (with Elizabeth’s help) to show her friends how rumors can spiral quickly (and that what happened wasn’t her fault). Don’t ask me why they didn’t just move the party back to Ellen’s once clearing Mr. Riteman’s name. I guess he’s still a crap cook, so…

Using their three-way calling, the twins purposely plant a seed for a rumor that Johnny Buck (the rockstar that exists only the Sweet Valley universe) is playing in the Wakefield backyard for Janet’s party. Everyone falls right in line, exaggerating it more and more with each telling.

The night of Janet’s party, they’re like “Gotcha, we just meant that we’re playing Johnny Buck music at the party.” And everyone’s like, “Ohhhh.” And then they’re friends again.

I call bullshit on this. That was definitely not the indication given when Elizabeth said, “Can I tell you a secret? Johnny Buck is playing at Janet’s party!” But whatever. It’s Sweet Valley so the Wakefield twins are always right.

One last thing: the reason Ellen and Jessica were fighting over who got to host Janet’s birthday party was that they both wanted Janet’s hostess gift. Since she was in the middle of a beatnik phase, however, she gave Jessica a musty old book of poems, in which she wrote, “Jessica, these are deep. Savor them. –Janet.”

Honestly I really liked this book. Brava, ghost writer!

SVT #14: Tug of War

First, some cover notes: As today’s actual teens say, Elizabeth, what the actual f**k are you wearing? Also, it’s clear the illustrator liked Elizabeth better (even though she’s wearing whatever that is!) because Jessica is holding a sign that literally says, “Jessica Wakefield is no one.” Great campaign, Jess.

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We open with a class party for Linda Lloyd, the sixth-grade president who is moving to Texas. Elizabeth is talking about the cookies she made, which she calls “Wakefield Specials.” I assume Jessica changes the meaning of that phrase once she gets to Sweet Valley High.

Since Linda is leaving Sweet Valley (I’m as shocked as you are that that’s a thing people do!), the sixth grade needs a new president. Everyone’s like, OMGAHHH what will we do?!

Elizabeth looks for Jessica at lunch and sees her eating with the Unicorns. We’re told that her “heart sinks” and I am confused because Jessica eats lunch with the Unicorns EVERY DAY so I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Maybe, like me, Liz is getting her period and everything bothers her.

As she approaches “the Unicorner,” Elizabeth thinks to herself that looking at Jessica is like looking in a mirror. You would think she’d be pretty used to looking like Jessica by now, but whatever.

During lunch, d-bag Jim Sturbridge mockingly asks dorky Randy Mason how he would feel if he were nominated for president. Randy, who is “always more interested in computers than people,” says he’d be pleased and everyone thinks what a loser he is, except for Elizabeth, who feels bad for Randy since he will never know the power of being a Wakefield twin.

At that point, Elizabeth’s friend Julie Porter comes over and says that Mr. Bowman told her he’s decided to let the class president decide what to do with the money the class earns from their upcoming book fair. This seems irresponsible. Also, I don’t understand how the class earns money from a book fair. Isn’t there like, some publisher making money from the sale of these books?

Quick side note: when I was in school, I LOVED the book fair. It is how I first discovered Sweet Valley Twins, in third grade. Loser alert: my picks that year were Twins book #37, The War Between the Twins, and the Student Thesaurus. Anyway.

Jessica says that if she were president, she would use the money to throw “an incredible party,” which I have no doubt would turn out like Fyre Festival. Elizabeth thinks buying a VCR for the school library is a much better idea and actually says so out loud and people still like her. The kids discuss the party, and because they think it should have something to do with books (to honor the…book fair? OK.), Jessica says it will be a costume party and everyone can come dressed as their favorite character from a book. My favorite person Lila Fowler says, “Maybe I can go as one of the Little Women. The pretty one.” Oh, Lila. If I am ever invited to a party like this, I am going to be you.

You can see where this is going. Each of the twins decides to run. Their only opponent winds up being Randy Mason and it’s mentioned, repeatedly, how he has no shot at winning. Thanks for fine-tuning your foreshadowing with a sledgehammer, ghostwriter!

Elizabeth, Julie, and Amy Sutton work on Elizabeth’s platform, which is:

-VCR for the Library

-Best Teacher Award

-Better Cafeteria Food

Lizzie has her first crisis of conscience shortly after, and decides she can’t really promise the cafeteria food thing. Leave it to Michelle Obama, Elizabeth. She’s working on it.

The girls make flyers in the VCR-less school library. There’s a great scene where they all talk about the “ditto master.” When they’re done, they help the librarian unpack new books. While they are oohing and aahing over titles like “Women in Sports,” the flyers go missing. They turn up at the end of the day in the school fountain, at which point I actually said out loud, “the school fountain?!” It’s revealed that Lila and Ellen Riteman destroyed the flyers on Jessica’s behalf, but Jessica didn’t know anything about it. (But of course, Elizabeth doesn’t know that.)

Then we’re treated to Randy Mason’s first effort at campaigning. It is a sign that says:

For maximum efficiency

in advocating rights and issues

pertinent to all sixth-grade students

Vote for Randy Mason

Catchy! Elizabeth gives Randy some advice after he admits that he doesn’t know what his classmates want. He doesn’t say, on account of them having ostracized me from every normal sixth grade activity, but we all know that’s what he’s thinking.

Jessica kicks off her campaign with a pool party at Lila’s mansion. Here, she decides to expand the costume party theme to include movie characters as well. Lila says this makes sense because, “Movies are made from scripts and a script is sort of like a book.” There’s a yearbook quote if I ever heard one. Jess also learns for the first time that the class presidents are expected to attend meetings, and she panics until she decides that as president, she will “do away with meetings.”

When Jessica gets home, she spies on Elizabeth and discovers that she is planning to hold a rally after the upcoming soccer game. Jess calls Lila to conspire, who says, “We don’t have to top it. We have to stop it.”

And indeed they do. Lila has boxes and boxes of Johnny Buck records (this book was published in 1987, btw) delivered to the site of the rally. Her rich father got a bunch of copies of Johnny Buck’s new single, that is not even in stores yet, for free. Jess and Lila spread the word that they will be giving out free records in the parking lot after the game, and everyone bolts. Elizabeth winds up delivering her rally speech to Randy Mason, Amy, Julie, and like seven losers who don’t like Johnny Buck, I guess.

It’s clear that Jessica has better connections. So far her friends have thrown her a party and gotten a ton of free records to use as bribes for votes. Elizabeth’s friends have gotten her 150 wet flyers and a 10-person rally.

At home, older brother Steven tells a depressed Elizabeth that she’s “such a wimp” for allowing Jessica to play dirty and not fighting back. He tips her off that there are some professionally made “Vote for Jessica” posters in the laundry room and eventually Elizabeth goes and draws a mustache on Jessica’s face on every last one. (I was as shocked as you are.)

Randy has a rally and only five people come. God, how pathetic. But, Elizabeth is one of them and she learns that Randy has some really good ideas, including about what to do with the book fair money: he says they can throw Jessica’s party but charge admission, then use that money to buy the VCR. Genius! Elizabeth laments that Randy is really the best candidate but he won’t win because she and Jessica are sooo popular.

The day before Election Day, the twins make up. Elizabeth helps Jessica pick out a “dark pink jersey dress and a purple sash” for the big day. And it’s not a trick.

Jessica makes a ridiculous speech where she basically says she wants to have a party and has no other plans for her presidency, which she hopes won’t take up too much of her time. Then, it’s Elizabeth’s turn. She drops out of the race and asks that everyone vote for Randy. Had to make a scene, didn’t you, Liz?

Randy wins, and he asks Elizabeth if she will be the “special executive assistant to the president” which sounds like something Donald Trump would say, and I’m scared for her. He also asks Jessica to organize the party, presumably because he’s never been to one.

The final chapter is a set-up for the next book, The Older Boy, which I coincidentally (really) just ordered on eBay. So I guess I’ll go ahead and do that one next!

(Click here for a recap of SVT #15: The Older Boy)