(Click here for recap of SVT #3: The Haunted House)

Here it is, the one where Amy wants to be a cheerleader. But she’s a tomboy! She’s not a Unicorn! She’s not even a blonde! Or is she?

Amy’s repeatedly described as having kind of dirty blonde hair in these books but on the covers her hair is always brown, until the middle of the series. This is the least of our concerns, though. Look at this outfit.

A brown blouse, too? And a gigantic one at that. Although, that seems like a rather large baton. Can anyone with twirling experience tell me if this illustration is to scale?

OK let’s get started. We open with Jessica chattering way about cheerleading tryouts while Elizabeth is suckered into doing her chores. Eyeroll.

She’s hell bent on making sure the only cheerleaders—who are called “the Boosters” for some reason—are her friends in the Unicorn Club. She CAN’T BELIEVE some of the “gross girls” who have signed up for the tryouts.

“Girls like Lois Waller, who’s so fat she’s really two people, and Leslie Forsythe—she’s skinny and scrawny and always has a runny nose.”

Wow, thanks for the equal-opportunity body-shaming, there, Jess!

Worst of all is “that icky tomboy Amy Sutton.” Who just happens to be Elizabeth’s best friend.

The tryouts for both cheerleading and the school basketball team are the next day. (In this book, the school only has a boys’ basketball team.) Elizabeth decides to cover both events for the Sixers.

Jessica and Lila are basically running the Boosters tryouts, which is a terrible idea. Their goal is to make the squad Unicorn-exclusive. Where the hell is Ms. Langberg? Coach Cassels is running the basketball tryouts. I guess she doesn’t think of cheerleading as a real sport. MAYBE THIS IS WHERE IT ALL STARTED.

[Lila] casually flipped her luxurious, light-brown hair back over one shoulder and looked several girls over from head to toe and then made some light check marks on her clipboard. Her cold scrutiny obviously did the trick, because several girls meekly stepped away from the line, mumbling excuses and hurrying for the locker room.

Lila really was terrible in the beginning of the series, as much as I don’t like to admit it. I totally would have backed out, too. Actually, I wouldn’t have even had the nerve to try out to begin with, so YOU. GO. GIRLS. At least you tried.

Jessica is to teach the remaining group a cheer.

Elizabeth watched with a fresh feeling of anxiety as her twin stepped forward. Jessica’s attitude and expression made her almost a stranger to Elizabeth.  She couldn’t believe her own twin could act so superior.

I love when Elizabeth is surprised by Jessica being Jessica.

The cheer is the “Tom, Tom, he’s our man” crap. Do people still do that? Oh, 1986. A simpler, and yet in many ways, more problematic, time.

Ellen teaches a baton drill for the girls to practice. Amy is SUPERB at the baton, somehow. Even more puzzling, she doesn’t let the Unicorns see how good she is. Elizabeth thinks this must be because Amy has decided to forget about becoming a Booster and is just going through the motions to make a quiet exit.

That would make a lot more sense than Amy’s actual reasoning, which is…nothing. I don’t know what the fuck she’s doing.

Across the gym, shortest-kid-in-school Ken Matthews is trying out for the basketball team. Coach Cassels coached Ken’s dad, who was a superstar. He goes on and on about how amazing Ken’s dad was. Then he assumes tallest-kid-at-tryout Tim Davis is Ken Matthews, which everyone thinks is hilarious. Bruce Patman informs the coach that Ken is actually “the midget at the end of the line.”

The coach is embarrassed (as well he should be, dumb asshole) but not as embarrassed as Ken. He prolongs Ken’s misery by saying things like, “Well, I bet you inherited your dad’s shooting arm!” And “I bet you inherited your dad’s handwork—here, try to steal the ball from me!” Ken has inherited nothing and can do nothing, and at one point has to chase a basketball halfway across the gym.

It’s the kind of thing he’s going to remember on a random Tuesday night when he’s 40 years old and it’s STILL GOING TO BOTHER HIM. (Even though he does become a hot football star in Sweet Valley High.)

Elizabeth talks Ken in to sticking it out with basketball since that’s what he really wants to do. It’s nice, but totally hypocritical also because she’s trying to convince Amy to bail on cheerleading nearly every chance she gets.

Liz invites Ken home with her so Steven can teach him a few things about basketball. Ken continues to suck. Then Liz remembers that she and Jessica used to play basketball with a tennis ball when they were little, because Steven was always hogging the basketball. Little like who, Elizabeth? You mean when you and Jessica were the same height Ken is now?

Somehow, the tennis ball trick works some magic and Ken’s spirits are renewed. At least until Bruce comes along on his bike and makes fun of Ken for practicing with Elizabeth, a girrrrrl.

I feel like it would be harder to play basketball with a tennis ball? But I was never interested in sports, so who cares what I think?

Later that night, Amy calls Elizabeth and questions her about talking to Ken. It becomes apparent that Amy has a crush on Ken. AW.

Unfortunately for Amy, Bruce is still making fun of Ken and Elizabeth the next day and eventually the whole school is convinced that they’re secretly dating. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to JESSICA, though, because Ken is short and it’s embarrassing. Jessica can be such a turd.

Elizabeth refuses to set the record straight about her and Ken, because she likes the attention feels that doesn’t need to justify her friendship with Ken.

Over the next week or so, Ken practices basketball (with a tennis ball) and Amy practices cheerleading. The two of them sort of bond over their similar situations and Amy’s crush continues to grow. (Ken, unfortunately, does not.)

 Lila and Ellen call Amy to try to convince her to drop the whole Boosters thing but she refuses and tells them off quite well.

Now comes the weird part. The Unicorns decide to write a letter from Ken to Amy, urging her to drop cheerleading. Jessica writes the letter:

Dear Amy,

I watched you at cheerleading practice. I hate to say it, but the other girls are a lot better than you, and I think you should quit. I’m saying this because I really like you and I don’t want you to get hurt. But no way are they going to pick you. When you’re up against competition as awesome as the Unicorns, you shouldn’t even bother. Even Elizabeth agrees with me.

Maybe we could sit together at lunch sometime.

From,
Ken

Then Jessica writes a note from Amy to Ken.

Dearest Ken,

The past week has been terrible. Or do I mean wonderful. Ever since getting to know you, I can’t stop thinking about you. Every time I see you walking down the hall, I wish we were walking together. I even dream about you. It’s wonderful! I don’t care if you’re so much shorter than me. I love you anyway, Ken, I really do.

I talked to Elizabeth about this and she told me I should come right out and tell you. She’s always saying honesty is the best policy and she’s right. But I’m too shy to tell you to your face. So next time you see me, all you have to do is smile and I’ll know you feel the same way too. Oh, Ken! I can’t love another day without knowing if you love me, too.

I love you.

Love and kisses,
Amy

YIKES. Jessica is hoping that between the two letters, Ken and Amy will both stop talking to Elizabeth, and Amy will drop out of the cheerleading tryouts. What a little b.

Amy gets her note, but she suspects the Unicorns wrote it, not Ken. Ken clearly believes Amy wrote the note he got, because the next time he sees Amy he turns red and runs away.

Elizabeth overhears Lila and Ellen talking about what they did and how Jessica wrote the notes. She also hears Lila say she’s got a plan to take Amy down at the audition and it will be humiliating.

Here’s what I don’t understand. Amy hasn’t shown them that she’s good yet. So what are they worried about? If she’s legitimately not good, they can cut her. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?

Elizabeth finds Ken and tells him Amy didn’t write the note, Jessica did. Then she tells Amy all about what the Unicorns did and are planning to do, and tells her she’s got to drop out now. BUT AMY REFUSES. SHE WILL FIGHT TO BECOME A CHEERLEADER, DAMNIT.

The second and final tryouts for both the Boosters and the basketball team are again held in the gym on the same day at the same time.

After a one round of baton-twirling, Amy is the only cheerleading hopeful left who isn’t a Unicorn or a friend of a Unicorn.

Each of the remaining girls has to do the “he’s our man” cheer with the already-established Boosters, and they go one at a time. Each time, they pick a different boys’ name for the cheer.

GUESS WHAT NAME THEY PICK WHEN IT’S AMY’S TURN?!

Ken is across the gym, not sucking as badly at basketball anymore. Coach Cassels separates the boys into group 1 and group 2 for a faux game—Ken is a 1, and Bruce is a 2.

Then, the cheer starts—or at least, Amy starts cheering. ALONE. FOR KEN.

The sight of Amy Sutton, all by herself, kicking and yelling her way through a cheer for that midget, Ken Matthews, was more than Bruce could stand. He stopped in his tracks and started laughing and pointing.

That was all the opportunity Ken needed. He ducked in toward Bruce and grabbed the basketball. He rain madly for the other end of the court. Bruce was left staring at him, with a dumbstruck look on his face.

Weaving and turning, Ken dribbled the basketball with skill and coordination. The other players on his side took a moment to come to their senses. But then they ran with him, and they passed the ball back and forth on the way to the net.

Amy took it all in. Then, with even more energy than before, she started the cheer again. “Ken, Ken, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!”

The crowd quickly realized what was happening at the other end of the gym and started cheering. Ken Matthews was dodging around Bruce Patman, who had finally caught up. Ken’s short stature seemed to help him. He kept ducking and slipping around the other players. It seemed as if every time the oppposite side thought they had the ball, Ken was running with it again. No one could catch him!

Coach Cassels was standing with his mouth open. His clipboard forgotten at his side.

This is quite a display, I must admit. And it gets better. When Amy finishes the cheer, solo, for the second time, she goes into the Boosters baton routine.

The baton flashed and spun as she twirled it over her shoulders and behind her back. It flipped under her legs, and flew higher and higher in the air as Amy spun beneath it. She grabbed the baton with her left hand as she was spinning it with her right, and passed it back. She didn’t break the rhythm once.

The silver wand (UM, IT’S FUCKING BLACK ON THE COVER) became hypnotic in Amy’s hands. It spun faster and faster, and seemed to be everywhere at once.

The crowd goes bonkers over Amy and Ken. When they’re finished proving themselves, Ken calls “We showed them, Amy!” across the gym. Amy responds, “Boy, we sure did!”

Guys, it’s really pretty cute.

They both make their respective teams, and Elizabeth forgets that Jessica is a terrible person, a theme we see again in the next book, Sneaking Out.

(Click here for recap of SVT #8: First Place)

This is one of those books where Elizabeth “rebels” by doing something nice for someone who is in desperate need.

Let’s check out the cover. Elizabeth is doing her signature shoulder-touching move. She’s wearing a shirt that looked like something my dad had in the 80s. Amy is in the pink sweatshirt, gazing with jealousy at Elizabeth’s hand touching someone else’s shoulder. The girl in the middle with the unfortunate hairstyle is Sophia Rizzo, sister of town delinquent Tony, daughter of proud Italian immigrant mom and a douche father who ran off.

It’s the end of the school day, and the twins are heading in different directions: Jessica has cheerleading practice, and Elizabeth has a Sixers meeting. Liz explains that after the meeting, she’s walking home with Sophia. Jess CAN’T BELIEVE Elizabeth is hanging around with Sophia, even though Elizabeth has a reputation for befriending misfits. She says that if Elizabeth keeps hanging out with “strays” she’s going to get bitten. Wtf? That sounds elitist and weird at the same time. Liz remarks that if Sophia bites her, she hopes she catches her way with words. Har har.

Sophia is a new member of the Sixers staff and Liz is impressed with her reporting and writing ability. Jessica doesn’t value literacy as a personal attribute, so she doesn’t care.

Jess splits (dumping her books on Elizabeth) and Sophia, who is described (repeatedly) as “small and dark” appears soon after. Sophia reaches into the pocket of her “faded skirt” and shows Elizabeth a note she received that day from the Unicorns. It says, “We don’t need your kind in Sweet Valley. Get out, and take your brother with you.” That’s actually super fucked up. Elizabeth is embarrassed by her sister’s behavior. Not the first or last time for that, amiright?

The girls run into Mr. Bowman and he has some news about the school play. This year, it will be written by a committee made up of the 2 best English students in each grade—and the sixth grade representatives are none other than Elizabeth and Sophia! I guess Mr. Bowman got called out when he tried to put Elizabeth’s name down twice.

Sophia invites Elizabeth over so she can show her some old plays she wrote when she was younger. Apparently Tony Rizzo was small-time actor before he was small-time criminal! The pair would perform the scenes Sophia wrote.

We’re told that Sophia’s mother also wears clothes that are “faded from countless washings.” Sophia’s bedspread is faded, too. THEY’RE POOR, GET IT?

When Elizabeth gets home, she learns that she and Jessica have been invited for a weekend in LA with one of Mr. Wakefield’s clients. That’s not as shady as it sounds. They have a daughter the twins’ age and want to have someone for her to hang out with. They’re going to see Shout—Jessica’s favorite musical. (Jessica has a favorite musical?)  The twins are all happy and thrilled, until Liz tells Jess the news about their school play.

Jessica is disgusted by the idea of Sophia having anything to do with the writing of the play. Even Steven warns Elizabeth to steer clear of Sophia. “You don’t know Tony Rizzo,” he says. “He doesn’t care how he dresses or what he says.” WELL! IF HE DOESN’T CARE HOW HE DRESSES…

Tony’s stolen VCRs, TVs, and cars, and has been to reform school. He returned unreformed. No word on whether he maintained his stage presence. Maybe Tony’s just a method actor. Ever think of that? I’m shocked Elizabeth doesn’t.

Mr. Wakefield gets home and drops a bomb: only 1 twin is invited for the weekend in LA. Of course, Elizabeth immediately volunteers to stay home but Ned and Alice won’t have it. They insist that the girls “draw straws” which amounts to Steven writing a number down on a piece of paper and having them guess what it is. Elizabeth comes closer. Jessica is devastated, simply devastated. Who can blame her? First, her school play is in the hands of a crime family and now this.

The next day, the school is abuzz with excitement over the news of the play. Bruce Patman tells Elizabeth that his dad is going to videotape the whole show and he can everyone over to watch it. Whoohoo! Just don’t leave your soda unattended with Bruce, Lizzie.

That day, Elizabeth, Amy, Julie Porter, and Brooke Dennis decide to ask Sophia to join them for a future picnic lunch outside. They even write out an invitation and call themselves “the anticafeteria lunch group.” It’s actually pretty cute.

After school, Elizabeth and Sophia go to the first committee meeting. The kids decide to write a play about “real issues” like, um, wanting to stay out late but your parents say no. Elizabeth encourages Sophia to share some of the scenes she’s written about such issues and everyone loves them. Elizabeth is elated.

It doesn’t last long, though. When goes home, she discovers that Steven has a black eye. It seems Tony Rizzo punched him in the face. Apparently, a projector went missing from the high school AV room. A bunch of kids were standing around talking about how Tony probably stole it. Honestly though…he probably did. Anyway, Steven, remembering what Elizabeth said, said they shouldn’t judge Tony without a fair trial, and Tony was walking by, I guess, and punched him. Yeah doesn’t make much sense to me either.

The next day is Elizabeth’s picnic lunch. Sophia mentions that her birthday is coming up and she’s never had a birthday party. I find this hard to believe. NEVER? Your mom never at least got a cake and some balloons from the supermarket? Elizabeth vows to throw Sophia her first-ever birthday party, the Saturday after the play.

Ned and Alice throw a wrench in her plans, though—due to Steven’s black eye, Elizabeth is forbidden to hang out with Sophia outside of school. And that’s not the only problem. Elizabeth learns that the trip to LA is on the Saturday after the play—Sophia’s birthday, and the day of the epic party she’s going to throw. FUCK!

Liz laments her predicament to Steven, but leaves out the part about Sophia’s party. She just says she still feels Jessica should be the one to go to LA. I agree, honestly. Why not send the kid that wants to be there? I may need to have a talk with Ned and Alice.

Steven suggests the twins “pull the old switcheroo” and that’s exactly what they decide to do. It’s the perfect plan. Jess will be gone, Steven has some basketball game or something, and Ned and Alice have a “boat party” to attend (EYEROLL) which means Liz will have the split-level ranch house with its unfaded upholstered furnishings all to herself, and she can throw the party.

The next day at school, Sophia drops her notebook and Lila and Jessica pick up script drafts and begin melodramatically performing in the hallway. It’s really a rather terrible scene. I hate when Lila gives me reasons to not like her.

Sophia cries and Elizabeth becomes more determined than ever to give her the birthday party of her dreams.

Audition day arrives. Jessica, the Unicorns, and I guess some of the other shitbags at school boycott on the grounds of Sophia’s involvement. But, there’s still enough interest to cast the show. Honestly, the show is about one family so I don’t really understand how there are enough parts to go around, especially since it’s decided that Elizabeth and Sophia should play the 2 sisters.

Performance day arrives and the play is a smash hit. Even better, Sophia is lauded for her talents as a writer and an actress and is no longer Sweet Valley Middle School’s resident misfit. Sorry, Lois Waller. Jessica basically says she still thinks Sophia “dressed like a toad” but she supposes she’s an alright person.

Once the coast is clear on Saturday, Elizabeth and her crew start setting up for the party. A bunch of people show up since Sophia is no longer considered a leper and the Wakefield parties have been known to include store-brand Mountain Dew. Everyone hides before Sophia gets there. Then, the door opens and they all jump out and yell “Surprise!” at Elizabeth’s parents, who were deterred from their boat trip because of a surprise storm.

Like Sophia would just let herself into the house? Come on, Elizabeth.

In the few minutes before Sophia arrives, all the kids apologize and explain and Ned and Alice decide to let the party happen as planned. Ned goes and picks up Sophia’s mom so she can join in the fun. And guess what? One look at her cheerful homemade quilts and afghans lands her a freelance design job with Alice. Tony didn’t want to come to the party (shocking) but he stands a chance at normalcy now that Ned has given him the name of a psychologist who helps “confused children.” I’m sure he’ll get right on that.

Jessica returns from her trip “of a lifetime” and shares that been named chairman of the upcoming Mini-Olympics. She forgot to tell Elizabeth before she left. I have a hard time believing Jessica wouldn’t tell everyone she saw immediately after finding out, but OK. With that, we have the setup for the next book, One of the Gang—but not before some Sweet Valley-style fat-shaming! “Blubbery old Lois Waller will be up to her fat ankles in sweat!” says Jessica. It doesn’t say “gleefully” but I think we can all assume.

(Click here for recap of SVT #10: One of the Gang)

Click here for recap of SVT # 7: Three’s a Crowd

This is the first horse book in the Sweet Valley franchise. I was never into horses, but I read it because it promised to heavily feature Lila Fowler. This was my reason last week and as a child. OK, here we go.

That’s Lila on the cover with her horse, Thunder. She looks like a next-level bitch. Idk wtf is up with her outfit. I mean, she’s rich, and she looks like she’s wearing somebody else’s clothes, and that somebody is 2 sizes bigger than she is. Elizabeth is wearing some rather smart riding clothes (which are on loan from Lila) and she’s got a…riding crop? I think that’s what that stick is? She looks like she’s about to clock Lila over the head with it, whatever it is.

So here’s the deal: Lila got a horse, and Elizabeth is jealous. Elizabeth loves horses, you see. She’s even started taking riding classes. Did we know this before now? I’m not sure, but it’s only book #8 in the series, so fine. Also, this little personality trait stays with Elizabeth for the duration of the series. I think it might even be mentioned that she likes horses in Sweet Valley High. So props for continuity, that’s tough to come by in this franchise.

We open with Mr. Nydick’s history class. Elizabeth is drawing horses in her notebook. Eyeroll. Jessica is making ageist jokes about her history teacher, saying that he knows all about ancient Greece because he was there.

Upon leaving class, they find Lila surrounded by sixth-grade girls clamoring for her attention. Elizabeth asks Jessica why Lila is so popular all of a sudden.

Um? Excuse me? All of a sudden? Lila just happens to be one of the most popular girls in school, Elizabeth. Thankyouverymuch.

Jess explains that Lila got a horse and now every girl in school wants to ride it. I guess boys aren’t interested in horses?

When Elizabeth gets home from riding class that afternoon, Steven asks her if she’s “bowlegged” yet. Har har. Elizabeth replies, “No, and I’m not skinheaded either.” Yikes. Wtf? Oh, I see—turns out Steven’s just gotten a bad haircut and it’s 1987. The comment shuts him right up, which I’m sure it would do today as well.

Amy has come over so she and Liz can work on a book report. Just one book report? WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ALL HAD TO DO OUR OWN BOOK REPORTS. Tangent: does anyone else have memories of their elementary school teachers being overly picky about what exactly a book report entailed? I seem to recall getting marked down for sharing my analysis of what happened. Apparently book reports are “just the facts, ma’am.” Well then, read the damn book yourself, Mrs. Whoeveryouarethatsaidthat. I HAVE THOUGHTS. I guess that’s why I’m sitting here 20-something years later writing this recap. Anyway.

Here’s the description of Elizabeth’s bedroom:

Elizabeth’s bedroom was a perfect place to study. She kept it clean and neat, and there were plenty of big pillows to sit on. The cream-colored walls with blue trim made the room feel peaceful and comfortable. On one wall was a small framed picture of the greatest racehorse of all time, Man-of-War. Over her bed was a poster of the wild ponies of Chincoteague running on the beach. By her bed was an open copy of National Velvet.

She likes horses, we get it. PS: of all the unbelievable things that happen in the Sweet Valley Universe (and there are a lot), I think a 12-year-old choosing to paint her bedroom CREAM is up there in the top 3.

The next day, Liz overhears Lila in the lunch line. “No, Mrs. Whitney, take the cream sauce off my chicken cutlet. Do you want me to develop cellulite at my age?” Liz is thus inspired to title a Sixers article “Going Places With Hot Air” and silently thanks Lila. Elizabeth is one of those girls that hates girls who care about what they look like, I guess. Lila’s vain, so she must also be STOOPID.

Lila’s jonesing for Elizabeth to write an article about Thunder in the Sixers, but Elizabeth’s petty jealousy is making her resistant. Listen, Liz. I was a reporter once. It’s really key to be objective.

After Jessica talks Thunder up, Elizabeth finally caves. She goes to Carson Stable with Lila after school to meet Thunder and start gathering material for her story. Confusingly, she remarks that Carson Stable is beautiful and nothing like the place she takes lessons. In all subsequent mentions of stables in Sweet Valley, it’s Carson Stable. Actually, I think it might sometimes be Carson Stables. But anyway.

Here’s the description of Thunder:

His sorrel coat glowed like the embers of a waning fire, and his broad chest heaved evenly with his footsteps. With one glance of steady brown eyes, he seemed to peer into Elizabeth’s soul.

Whoa. That’s quite a description, considering this is just a horse book meant for, what? 8- to 12-year-olds?

Elizabeth takes Thunder for a spin, and decides she must do whatever it takes from now on to have access. Even be friendly to Lila. She pals around with her in school the next day and Jessica starts to get jealous. That afternoon, both twins go to Lila’s house, and—surprise!—she’s had Thunder stop by for a special treat. Lila complains about the fact that Thunder needs grooming and daily workouts, and Elizabeth offers to do everything for her. She’s also essentially letting Lila copy her math homework. Grooming and daily workouts are kind of a drag, honestly. And I don’t even have a horse.

The girls go inside and Elizabeth sneaks back out to take another peek at Thunder. There, she sees a teenage boy untying Thunder from the tree. She screams, “Stop! Thief!” Jessica, Lila, and Ellen (who showed up to copy the math homework) all run outside. Turns out the boy is Ted Rogers, a new stablehand. He and his boss were just coming by to take Thunder back to the stable. After all the confusion is cleared up, he asks the girls if they want to come along.

“No, I must return to my Sexy Stableboy magazine,” Lila said with her nose in the air.

Honestly…that’s funny.

Jessica wants to go because she thinks Ted is cute. At that moment, Mr. Wakefield and Steven arrive “in the Wakefield’s maroon van” and Jessica talks them into driving the twins to the stable. She flirts with Ted in the tack room, and he tells her he thinks Elizabeth is the prettiest girl he’s ever seen.

“We’re identical twins, can’t you tell?”

Good try, Jess.

We’re told that the next few weeks are heaven for Elizabeth. She goes to the stable every day after school to take care of Thunder. Everyone there assumes he’s her horse, and she doesn’t correct them. Why? I don’t know, guys, You have to ask her.

We learn a few things about Ted. He’s poor, he’s got a bad leg from a car accident, and his mom was a horsewoman who died in the accident. He used to have a horse but he sold it to pay medical bills.

Ted encourages Elizabeth to enter the Carson Stable Owners’ Competition. The grand prize is $75. Not that grand, amiright? Like, not even for 1987. Especially when you consider how expensive owning a horse is. (PS I have no idea how expensive it is, I am just assuming it’s expensive. I feel like this is one of those things everyone just somehow knows. But let me know if I am wrong.)

The next morning, Lila calls the Wakefields’ house. Jessica picks up—but Lila’s looking for Elizabeth. This puts Jessica, who has been feeling like both Elizabeth and Lila have been neglecting her, over the edge. She goes into bitch mode all day at school. Until Lila invites her to a sleepover.

Yup. Sounds about being 12.

Ted has started hanging out with Steven, and he’s at the twins’ house when they get home. Jessica spies him in the backyard through a window and immediately runs upstairs to get beautiful before dinner. Steven remarks that she smells like a fruit basket. Unlike Elizabeth, Jessica doesn’t hurl any heavily politicized insults his way.

Jessica tries to act cool and mature through dinner but drops the act when Elizabeth mentions that she’s going to Lila’s slumber party. She storms up to her room, and there’s a rather sweet scene between her and Mrs. Wakefield. The mother-daughter talk does like, no good, of course, but still. Good effort, Alice.

The next night, the twins head to Lila’s “clutching identical duffel bags.” They must be old duffel bags, otherwise I’m sure we would have been told that Jessica’s was purple and covered in sequins and had a unicorn on it while Elizabeth’s was a sensible navy blue.

The slumber party is Elizabeth’s nightmare. The Unicorns are watching music videos and gossiping. How immature. Honestly, who’s the snot, here? Am I supposed to believe it’s the Unicorns? They may not be exemplary humans, OK? But they’re preteen girls and they’re acting like it. I get that being a preteen girl is pretty much the worst thing you can be, but you know, we’ve all gotta just get through it. Elizabeth is the one sticking her nose up at everything, using Lila, and lying to the people at the stable. JUST SAYING.

The Unicorns start making fun of Amy Sutton, Elizabeth’s bestie. They wonder if any guy will ever like her. Well, just wait, Unicorns. In 5 years, every guy in Sweet Valley High is going to be trying to get in her pants. But Elizabeth doesn’t say this. Instead she blows Amy’s secret that Ken Matthews kissed her at Julie Porter’s party last week. AHMYGHAD. She makes the Unicorns swear not tell anyone. Um, OK.

Later in the week, Ted comes to dinner again. He tells everyone he’s trying to convince Elizabeth to sign up for the owners’ competition, and they’re all like, owners’ competition? Say what? Then Jessica declares that Thunder is Lila’s horse. Elizabeth is super embarrassed.

Ted and Elizabeth have a talk at the stable the next day and he says he really doesn’t care that Elizabeth let everyone believe she was Thunder’s owner. AND he convinces her to illegally enter the competition. It’s all like, justified by their mutual love of horses/Thunder, or something. I don’t know. And the fact that Elizabeth decides that if she wins, she’ll give Lila the prize money.

Elizabeth tells Amy about the competition and Amy keeps the secret—until the day of the competition, when the Unicorns decide to harass her about her secret kiss. They make smooching noises and call her “Hot Lips Sutton.” Amy freaks and tells Lila she’s too stupid to know that her own horse is in a competition that’s starting in like 10 minutes.

Amy confronts Elizabeth at the stable, but they work it out. Then Lila and the Unicorns storm the stable and there’s yet another confrontation. Eventually, Lila realizes that if Elizabeth does ride Thunder in the competition, she stands a good chance at winning—and the award would say LILA FOWLER on it, because she’s the owner. So she decides it’s OK for Elizabeth to enter, but Elizabeth refuses because she doesn’t want to be at Lila’s beck and call anymore.

Ted decides that he will enter Thunder in the advanced event. He asks Elizabeth to invite Jessica to come watch. Get it? He liked Jessica the whole time. Honestly, Ted’s a freshman in high school and Elizabeth and Jessica are in sixth grade, so I find either choice rather gross.

There’s fun, quaint mention of Elizabeth running back and forth to the pay phone to call Jessica. She finally gets ahold of her, and Jess makes it to the stable just in time to see Ted and Thunder win the event. I’ll give you a few minutes to recover from your shock.

The last chapter is the setup for the next book, Against the Rules, which I am planning to recap sometime soon, as I want to do recaps for the first 10 Twins books and I have somehow managed to do pretty much every other one (1, 3, 5, 7, 10) and now I’m filling in the gaps.

OK, first…as everyone knows, I love me some Lila Fowler. She didn’t have to be a “California blonde” to feel good about herself and she frequently put Jessica Wakefield in her place. That said, the amount of bullying in this book is pretty atrocious, and Lila is responsible for most of it. It actually kind of gave me anxiety, guys. But it IS almost Halloween, so I give you this recap for Sweet Valley Twins No. 3, The Haunted House. Let’s check out the cover.

This is our first glimpse of Nora Mercandy. I think they were trying to show her as blissfully unaware of what people were saying about her, but the facial expressions of each person here are so different that it’s just weird. Jessica’s whispering something in Elizabeth’s ear, and judging by the look on Elizabeth’s face, it’s, “Psst…Lizzie, you’re wearing that weird orange sweater with the big-ass diamond on it.” I assume the house in the background with the shadowy figure in the upstairs window is supposed to be the Mercandy mansion.

Anyway, we open with the twins riding their bikes home from the library. They decide to ride down Camden Drive, which they usually avoid completely because it’s where the Mercandy mansion is located.

“The Mercandy mansion was old and rundown. It looked like an old haunted house in the movies. Jessica and Elizabeth had heard a lot of rumors about the people who lived there. Most of them involved Mrs. Mercandy. She was said to be a witch who kept her crazy husband locked in the attic. The strange lights and shadows that appeared some nights in the attic windows seemed to prove the stories true.”

We’re told that about a week earlier, the twins saw a dark-haired girl that looked about their age get out of a cab and go into the mansion. We’re also told the girl had a “cardboard suitcase.” What? A cardboard suitcase? Was that a thing in 1986? Isn’t that just…a box? Good thing it never rains in Sweet Valley!

As the twins are cruising by, they see the girl again! They stop and gawk at her for a bit, but she doesn’t notice. Is that what the cover is supposed to be showing us? I don’t think the twins were quite that close to Nora, cover illustrator.

The girls go home and tell their family about what they saw. We’re told Steven “doesn’t get excited easily.” Maybe try bringing Aaron Dallas around! The twins’ parents do pretty much nothing to discourage the idea that Mrs. Mercandy is a witch, then announce they’re going out to dinner with friends and leave. #ParentingGoals

Jessica decides to go swimming while her parents are gone, even though it’s cold out and the Wakefields turned off the pool heater last week.

The next morning, she’s sick and stays home from school. And that’s too bad because that’s the day Nora Mercandy makes her debut. Just hearing the name Mercandy is enough to get everyone nervous and weird, and Elizabeth gets stuck volunteering to show Nora around because it’s just so damn awkward when no one wants to. Nora has a horrible day where she notices everyone whispering around her and gawking at her.

Lizzie finds Nora at lunch. She fills Nora in on the fact that the Unicorns are little bitches, but doesn’t mention that everyone thinks she lives in a haunted house with a witch and a crazy man.

The girls head to gym class. Nora doesn’t have a gym suit and Elizabeth mentions that she and her “sister” have extras and she’ll bring Nora one tomorrow. WTF is a gym suit? It sounds like something the school should be supplying.

Elizabeth finds out that Nora is Mr. and Mrs. Mercandy’s granddaughter. She’s living with them because her father died when she was a baby and her mother died last year. Jesus.

Later, Lila trips Nora. Then she follows Nora on the walk home saying shit loudly about Transylvania and the “weird Mercandys.”

When Elizabeth gets home she fills Jessica in on Nora and tries to convince her that she’s a nice girl and not a witch. She’s unsuccessful.

The next day, Elizabeth is sick and stays home. She makes Jessica promise to give Nora the gym suit. Before gym, however, Nora is totally confused about why Elizabeth is now ignoring her, hanging out with the Unicorns, and acting like a terrible human being. Jessica forgot the gym suit (shocking!) but is still decent enough to explain to Nora. That’s when Nora finds out this is Jessica, Elizabeth’s evil twin.

The gym teacher lets Nora participate because they’re playing tennis and need an even number of students. It turns out Nora is quite good at tennis. Lila challenges her to a game and bets her a cloisonné pen for Nora’s silver-plated compact. Nora wins and reluctantly takes the pen.

The next day, Lila accuses Nora of stealing her pen. She also says, “Anyone can see that Nora Mercandy is too poor to afford a pen that good.” OMG GUYS LILA IS THE WORST IN THIS BOOK.

While the teacher talks to Nora outside, Lila and Ellen turn the whole class against Nora and convince them she’s a witch and that her grandmother killed Janet’s mom’s cat. It doesn’t help when Randy Mason (He’s Randy Masion in this book) says that his uncle works for a mortuary and delivered two coffins to the Mercandy mansion.

Cute seventh-grader Rick Hunter introduces himself to Nora. He’d like to play tennis with her one day and seems to be the only person besides Elizabeth (and Amy) that doesn’t believe the crazy rumors about Nora and her family. Guess who has a crush on Rick Hunter? If you said Lila, it’s almost like you’ve read YA books before.

Later that afternoon in math class, Lila switches her quiz with Nora’s. So, she gets an A and Nora gets a D. Finally, Elizabeth tells Nora what everyone thinks. Nora resolves to change their minds by letting Lila and the Unicorns come over and meet her grandmother.

The next day is Saturday. Elizabeth tells Jessica to get the Unicorns over to the Mercandy mansion, and for some reason, all of the girls agree to go. They run into Bruce Patman and Charlie Cashman on the way there and they tag along. When they get there, Nora. Elizabeth, and Amy are setting up punch and napkins and stuff, which really makes me want to cry. Just as everyone’s about to relax, Nora’s grandfather comes outside and scares the crap out of everyone. He’s saying, “Nor-Nor-Nor…” and walking stiffly. Everyone thinks he’s a zombie. Even Elizabeth and Amy are freaked out (but they don’t think he’s a zombie.)

Things get worse for Nora from there. Lila and the Unicorns decide to make Nora their “slave,” which means they send Nora out for cookies during study hall, but it’s honestly all horrible and disgusting.

Later that week, they decide to pretend to want to be Nora’s friend so they can get her to go to Lila’s Halloween party. They convince her to dress up like a witch and then everyone will…I don’t know, point and laugh, I guess? Nora falls for it and comes up with the most grotesque witch costume anyone has ever seen. And while Nora’s at the party being humiliated, Bruce and Charlie and some other boys will go to the Mercandy mansion to vandalize it.

Halloween arrives. Liz is a clown and Jessica is a hula girl along with Lila and Ellen. The three of them win “prettiest costume.” Barf.

At the party, Lila tries to hit on Rick Hunter and is rebuffed. Ha! Nora overhears some other kids talking about the plan and rightfully loses her shit. She screams that she hates everyone and runs home. Elizabeth follows her, as does Rick, Amy, and Jessica, because she’s afraid what will happen to her sister if she goes into the Mercandy mansion. That’s sweet, but I don’t understand how Liz hasn’t already been inside if she was helping Nora set up the other day. Whatever. Apparently some other kids and Unicorns go, too.

Nora gets there just in time to stop Bruce from doing too much damage. She runs inside the house and eventually everyone follows her.

Inside, we find out the truth: Mrs. Mercandy is a nice old lady and Mr. Mercandy used to be a famous magician, Marvelous Marvin. He suffered a stroke some time ago, which affects his speech. He can’t perform anymore, but he still sometimes does tricks for fun…in the attic. He then puts on a fabulous show for the kids, who are amazed and ashamed. Little jerks.

Lila says, “I, uh…guess you aren’t a witch, after all.” For some reason Nora accepts this “apology.”

OK, big question: if you thought someone you knew was a witch, WHY would you terrorize them? Wouldn’t you want to get on their good side, if anything? Lila is not only mean in this book, she’s stupid. I’d like to pretend this never happened, thank you for your support.

(Click here for recap of SVT #10: One of the Gang)

First, I have a question: why wasn’t Ellen Riteman ever intergrated into the Sweet Valley High series? She’s delightful. Francine, if you’re listening, I’d love to know what happened to Ellen after Sweet Valley Twins.

OK, let’s look at the cover. First, this is a big fail because that definitely looks like Elizabeth and it’s Ellen and Jessica who find the buried treasure. Elizabeth was off being dorky with Amy Sutton at the time. Other than that, this does appear to be an actual scene in the book. So close to being an excellent cover, but nobody noticed that this is the wrong twin!

We open at the Riteman house. Ellen’s little brother, Mark, wants to bury his dead bird in the backyard. Grim. Ellen and Jessica begrudgingly decide to help him. As Mark is digging, he hits something that makes a strange clanging sound. It turns out to be a metal box. I have to admit this would be pretty exciting, even as an adult. I’d probably also be worried that it was a bomb or something, because I am a paranoid freak.

Ellen and Jessica don’t want to share whatever’s in the box with Mark, so Jessica fakes injuring her ankle (she was on crutches in Sweet Valley Twins #10, One of the Gang). They make Mark run down the street to the Wakefields’ to retrieve Jessica’s crutches and while he’s gone, they break open the box.

Inside: some really over-the-top love letters (the girls think they are SOOOO ROMANTIC), two old photographs of a man and a woman and $200 cash. Naturally, Ellen and Jessica don’t want to split the money with Mark so they agree to take $100 each and never tell a soul. When Mark returns with the crutches, they pretend to open the box for the first time and find only letters and photographs. Mark is suspicious, but he’s like, 8, so there’s not a whole lot he can do.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is running for class treasurer. Didn’t she just run for president? How many elections does Sweet Valley Middle School have? Amy is her campaign manager. Amy is also in charge of collecting money the sixth graders make selling candy bars for a class trip. Sounds like a job for the class treasurer, no? Something is amiss if you ask me, but hey, it’s Sweet Valley.

Anyway. The class trip money goes missing (GASP!) JUST AFTER Jessica and Ellen show up with their new things. Jessica bought a Walkman (oh, 1986!) and Ellen bought earrings. Ellen says her aunt sent her the earrings as a gift and Jessica says she found the Walkman on a bench at the Valley Mall. Suspicions rise. Rumors swirl. Elizabeth becomes increasingly fretful when she discovers that Jessica never sold any of her chocolate bars. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything.

Elizabeth confides her fear that Jessica is a thief in Amy, which was a terrible idea. Amy, in effort to get the heat off herself since she was in charge of the money, immediately starts publicly pointing the finger at Jess and Ellen. It’s a glimpse of Amy’s future as a Super Bitch.

During all of this, Peter is trying to repair his image. We’re told he always wears brown shoes and socks. Then one day he gets white shoes but he still wears the brown socks. The Unicorns make fun of him mercilessly. Where are Peter’s parents? Don’t they realize this isn’t a good look?

Eventually, Amy becomes Peter’s campaign manager instead. His new campaign is “Rockin’ Peter.” Ooohhkaay.

Jessica and Ellen become the prime suspects in the case of the missing class trip money and they can’t stand everybody hating them so they decide to come clean, even though that means having to give some money to Mark. Oh, they’re also motivated to tell the truth because Ms. Wyler is bringing her suspicions to their parents, and because this is the 80s, the parents will be alarmed and ask their children to explain rather than be offended and threaten the teacher for even THINKING SUCH THINGS.

While the girls are waiting on Ellen’s front steps, someone starts to walk down the street. A woman. She looks familiar…OMG IT’S THE WOMAN FROM THE PHOTOGRAPH! SHE’S COME TO GET HER MONEY BACK! IT’S A GHOST! (This is the scene you see on the cover.)

Turns out, the woman is the granddaughter of the woman in the photograph. She wanted to come see where her grandmother grew up. Mrs. Wakefield and Mrs. Riteman arrive and Jessica and Ellen spill out the whole story about the backyard and the box and the money. The woman is poring over the letters and tells them that her grandmother didn’t marry the man who wrote them, even though he was her true love. Bummer. The whole thing inspires her to marry the guy she loves though even though her friends and family are against him. Now, it’s none of my business, but if everyone you know isn’t into the guy you’re dating, maybe they have a good reason. The woman lets Jessica and Ellen keep the money as a reward, and Mrs. Riteman makes them give Mark $50.

Then everyone has dinner at the Wakefields’.

I wish someone would give me $50 and dinner at the Wakefields’.

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MONEY?

While they’re working on the Sixers, Mr. Bowman sends Elizabeth and Amy to the supply closet to get some stuff. While they are digging around in there, Mr. Nydick comes and shuts the door and they get locked in. Good job, Mr. Nydick. The girls discover the class trip money underneath a pile of math posters—Ms. Wyler left the money in there by accident and forgot about it. What a dumbass.

Everyone makes up and Elizabeth wins the treasurer election. How could Rockin’ Peter lose?! Just one more Sweet Valley injustice.

(Click here for the recap of SVT #12: Keeping Secrets)

What kind of mood must one be in to think that reading this title would be a fine distraction from life? Let’s look at the cover. There’s Steven, looking like a confused dork, and the not-long-for-this-world Tricia Martin, who looks like she dying in the 1880s rather than the 1980s. Seriously, what is this getup?

We open with Jessica bursting into the Wakefield’s kitchen, asking Steven why he isn’t saying hello to his favorite sister. Um, maybe because Elizabeth isn’t there. Just a wild guess. Steve is glum. He’s down, he’s out, he’s everything in between. His girlfriend, Tricia, who reminds him of a porcelin doll (barf) has been distant, and he doesn’t understand. What could have happened to their love? He’s determined to get to the bottom of things.

Jessica thinks he has no reason to be upset. Good riddance to trash, she says. You see, the Martins live on the “bad” side of Sweet Valley in a dilapidated house. Tricia’s mom is dead. Tricia’s dad is an alcoholic. Tricia’s sister Betsy is a badseed. But Tricia is an angel, and Steven is in love.

He drives to Tricia’s house. We’re told that the street is littered with garbage and the paint on her house is peeling, but sweet Tricia never complains that she lives in such a hellhole. I mean, it’s still rather close to the Valley Mall, isn’t it?

He confronts her in her room and she says pretty much absolutely nothing when he says things like, “You’re tired of me, aren’t you? You’ve found someone else, haven’t you?” He takes her non-responses as confirmation that it’s over and leaves the house in great distress. As soon as he’s gone, she breaks down, thinking it’s better off for Steven if he hates her.

Now we learn that Tricia was recently diagnosed with leukemia and has about six months to live. She thinks her death will be too painful for Steven so she chooses to let him believe she cheated on him. Makes sense. Not like he’ll ever find out she died after the fact?!?!?

Elsewhere, Jessica is delighting in two things: 1, trying to fix Steven up with her BFF (at least until she moves to London and Lila Fowler takes over) Cara Walker and 2, signing up to be a candy striper at the hospital because she heard that local talk show host, Jeremy Frank, is a patient there. Jess considers him a celebrity and knows that if she can get close to him, he’ll make her a star. Oh, to be 16 and devious.

She convinces Elizabeth to be a candy striper with her. Jess is assigned to the maternity ward, where she has no chance of running into Jeremy Frank, while Elizabeth meets him on her first day. The two chat about journalism and he thinks Liz is great. Jess seethes with jealousy. PS: Jeremy has a broken leg.

Jessica convinces Cara to throw an impromptu party at her house with the sole purpose of getting Steven to go. What kind of college freshman wants to go to a high school party with his sister? That would be Steven Wakefield, everyone. Steve goes and reluctantly spends time with Cara, who shamefully tries to sink her claws into him and starts telling him unfounded lies about how she heard Tricia moved on with another guy.  She was seen “hanging all over some guy” at the pharmacy.

Ah yes, the pharmacy! Where romance blooms. (We later find out that this guy was a stranger who happened to be standing there when Tricia collapsed.)

Later that week, Jessica finds her way into Jeremy Frank’s room. She makes a complete ass of herself. Spills water on him, nearly breaks his broken leg again, etc. He screams for a nurse who tells her to get the fuck out.

Elizabeth is enjoying her time volunteering at the hospital and helping the patients (even the ones who aren’t locally famous) except for the fact that there’s a strange orderly, Carl, who is always looking at her and making her uncomfortable. The fact that Liz is too nice and a product of her time means she doesn’t raise the flag about this guy’s creepy behavior to anyone.

One day, Liz runs into Tricia at the hospital. Trish says she’s visiting a friend. Liz is like, “Oh, cool.”

When Liz sees Tricia again at school (Tricia is still going to school?! WHY? She’s going to die soon, is tired AF and apparently doesn’t have any friends because she’s eating lunch alone outside) she asks her about her friend and Tricia says it’s one of those things that isn’t going to get better. It’s really awkward.  She doesn’t say anything about Steven because she respects her brother’s privacy. Then Jessica and Cara come up and start talking about the AMAZING party Cara threw and how much FUN Steven had and how Steven’s taking Cara to a college party next weekend. Jessica and Cara are turds.

Back to the hospital. Jeremy Frank is desperate to get Jessica to leave him alone, so he and Liz come up with a plan. Jeremy is to start acting like he’s so into Jessica that she gets scared off. Ridiculously, he agrees to ASK JESSICA TO MARRY HIM. Jeremy is like, 25 or something, and Jessica is 16. Jeremy could be arrested for being romantically interested in Jessica. Major eyeroll at this subplot.

Initially, the plan works—Jessica is freaked out and takes off. But then she reconsiders, thinking how an engagement would be super fun and bring her lots of attention, and it’s not like she’d actually marry Jeremy, she’d just use him for fame then move on. Eventually, Liz and Jeremy come clean about their plan. It’s all really stupid.

Liz sees Tricia at the hospital again—but this time, she’s clearly a patient. Liz GASPS. Tricia tells her the bad news and refuses to let her tell Steven. Liz promises she won’t but she feels AWFUL just AWFUL.

Steven takes Cara to that college party and Cara makes the mistake of saying something derogatory about Tricia. Steven freaks out and yells at Cara about how he LOVES TRICIA. Then he takes Cara home. Womp womp.

After consulting with Mr. Collins, Liz decides to break her promise to Tricia and tell Steven what’s going on. He heads straight to Tricia’s. She’s pale, gaunt, and dying but still beautiful, obvi.

The two have a tearful reunion and vow to always love each other and stuff and enjoy the time they have left. I guess she doesn’t die until the next book or the one after, I can’t remember.

In closing, we have the setup for No. 13—Carl the orderly rips Liz from her Jeep on the night of the Morrows’ party.

Basically all of this book is setup for the next few books. How did Francine let this happen? And again, what the hell is Tricia wearing?

Hello, friends and Sweet Valley fans!

OK, here’s the thing: I’m going through a rough time in life. This blog isn’t going to be about me, though, so that’s all I am going to say about that. In effort to distract myself, I’m focusing on what I DO have: fantastic family and friends, keen sense of style, and a whole bunch of old Sweet Valley books. That last part is where this blog comes in. If you read Sweet Valley books as a kid, like I did (I devoured them actually), I kindly suggest you follow and take a trip with me down Memory Lane Calico Drive. Here, I’ll be recapping whatever books I can get my hands on. This will include mostly Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley High, although I do have a few Sweet Valley University and Babysitters Club books as well. I THINK I might also have some Goosebumps. Like that unpretentious DJ I encountered during a great evening out in OCMD, I take requests. So if you would love to revisit a specific book, let me know.  I’ll be posting updates to this blog on Instagram (@sassvalley) so give me a follow there as well. I also plan to post some other fun ’80s and ’90s girl stuff.